I’m a pretty relaxed mom. I don’t expect too much from my kids other than the standard mind your manners and be respectful kind of stuff, and I let them do just about anything they want short of bloodshed and amputating each others’ limbs. As any mom knows, if your toddler is happy—you’re happy—but kids don’t seem to understand that the happy road goes both ways. Our days would go a whole lot smoother if they would put forth some effort into making me happy.
I was kind enough to put together a list for them and I don’t think I’m asking too much, am I? 10 ways to make mom happy…
1. Sleep in past 5AM. You kids have no idea how much happier I can be if you let me sleep until at least 6. And much like wine, the later you let me sleep, the better I get. Wine is that bottle you see me eyeballing starting around two in the afternoon.
2. Eat your dinner. Fine, you don’t have to eat it. Just take a bite. ONE BITE. You don’t know if it’s yucky if you haven’t taken at least one bite. Daintily touching your tongue to it or smelling it or poking it with your finger does not count. One bite. Preferably with a fork but I know that’s a lofty goal.
3. Stop eating crayons. And stickers and chalk and Play-Doh and dirt. I know it won’t cause any long-term physical damage to you, but I’ve been scarred for life by changing so many Technicolor diapers.
4. Take a nap without a fight. You don’t even have to sleep. I’ll make you a deal: If you’re just quiet for an hour, I won’t turn on the video monitor to discover you’ve removed your diaper and are now painting your crib with poop.
5. Don’t throw a fit in the grocery store. It’s bad enough that the employees only ever see you in your pajamas regardless of what time it is, and they probably think you don’t own any “real” clothes, so please don’t do anything to draw attention to yourself.
6. Don’t put things up your nose. I know you think it’s funny when you sneeze five million times until the piece of pine cone comes shooting out and hits me in the face, but one of these days I won’t be able to retrieve who knows what from your nostril and we’ll have to go to the ER. Not only will that be embarrassing for me, but it will also cut into the money set aside for your birthday. Think about it.
7. Stop licking people. It’s gross and just plain weird.
8. Be thankful for the cup I gave you. I know you want the blue cup, but whenever I give you the blue cup, you decide you want the red cup that your sister has, and I’m done playing musical sippy cups. It’s a cup—not a life partner.
9. Let me wash your blanket just once. I know it’s your best friend and that it goes everywhere you go, but it’s not meant to be an all-terrain, all-weather soother which doubles as a hat, cape, wings, escape ladder, or torture device. It’s dirty and you’ll survive an hour without it.
10. Give me a hug when I ask for one. You’re growing up way too fast and I want to savor your unyielding affection for as long as I can. You can even have ice cream for breakfast if you throw in a kiss.
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