What I Don't Want To See In Your Babysitting Profile

I get how it works. You need a job, you say what you have to say to sound excited and enthused about a position you don’t really care about but will take. ​​After all, a person is more likely to hire you if you tell them you enjoy being around kids. As opposed to honestly telling them you think kids are really loud and kind of sticky. ​

​Still, as a parent, I need to know who I’m hiring. I don’t want to play cloak and dagger with what kind of a sitter you really are. ​​I don’t want to think I’m hiring Mary Poppins and realize I’m dealing with​​ a cast member from Dazed and Confused. ​​So, let’s cut to the chase. This is what I don’t want you to tell me and why:​

I love to bake.

You’ve been watching my kids for eight weeks and the only thing I’ve seen in my house that was baked was a pile of petrified Play-Doh that was sitting on the window sill.

I love crafts.

Letting my kids put stickers all over their faces and in the baby’s hair isn’t a craft.

I love outdoor adventures.

Is a backyard that’s equipped with only an old sandbox, a defunct hose, and a crappy swing set no one plays on, really capable of offering any kind of adventure?

I’ll prepare healthy meals for your child.

No you won’t. You’re going to use whatever I have in my house. So, maybe you’ll be looking for tofu and quinoa but you won’t find it hiding among the mountains of boxes of processed food and leftovers that belong in a hazmat facility.

I love kids.

And really, who doesn’t when it’s only 4 to 8 hours a day?

I’ve got ten years of experience.

No, you don’t, you’re 14.

Children are the future, and they should be loved, adored and nurtured.

But not for under 15 to 20 bucks an hour.

I am passionate about caring for children.

I’m passionate about pie, but it doesn’t mean I’m any good at making it.

I was raised around kids.

Weren’t we all? Just because you’ve seen a picture of a space shuttle doesn’t make you an aeronautical engineer.

I enjoy the excitement and joy kids get out of life.

Because there’s nothing more exciting and joyful than having a child throw a four-alarm tantrum before throwing a giant plastic ​horse at your face.

​So, let’s agree that the above list is enough fluff to create an eye roll so hard it’ll disrupt the tectonic plates we’re all standing on. Let’s just be honest and say you need money and a job, and you may not be in love with my kids, but you can keep them safe and alive.

If you do feel a need to try and pull at my heartstrings or impress me, tell me you’re a survival skills expert. Then I know you’ll do just fine when the water and electricity go out, and every pet we have in the house has somehow escaped from its cage. Including reptiles. At least then I know you can survive loud and sticky. Even if you don’t like it.