What Sleep Deprived Mothers Are Really Thinking When You Tell Us Your Children Sleep

by Quin Kelley
Originally Published: 

I’m just going to lay this out there on the table and get this off my chest right now and tell you that I am sleep deprived. And speaking of tables and chests, I wish I could take a nap on either of the aforementioned NOW.

Oh, that’s right. I can’t. Because I have not one, not two, but THREE sleep suckers children who are missing the sleep gene.

Would you like to know why? Well, get in line, sister, because I’ve been standing in this line for years, and I still have no answers. All I can tell you is this: In our house, we have a love/hate relationship with sleep.

Meaning I desperately love it, but do not remember what it actually is. Just a faint memory from my college days. When I *think* you could lay your head down and actually sleep for 8 hours?! Maybe?!

And my children. Well, they desperately hate it. In the most exaggerated of ways. Like you know the way most kids feel about eating veggies? Well, it’s like someone told them that sleep means getting sauerkraut shoved down their throats all night.

And sleep issues? Oh, we’ve got ‘em. We’ve got more of those suckers than the Duggers have children.

Night terrors? Check.

Bedwetting? Check.

Addiction to nursing past socially acceptable times?! CHECK to the YES!

And the sleep methods we’ve tried?

Attachment parenting? FAIL.

Cry it out? FAIL.

Essential oils, let them stay up late, let them go to bed early? Fail. Fail. And FAIL.

So sadly, in this battle of “Please, please for the love of my ever expanding wrinkles….SLEEP!” they are WINNING. And have been for the last six years.

Like if there was an election for the miniature INSOMNIACS OF THE UNITED STATES my kids would be the freaking PRESIDENTS. And I am the pathetic loser of the election that fell asleep at the podium while giving her speech.

So today, from my most sleep deprived state ever, I want to send a huge shout out to all the all SD mothers out there and give all my friends who have kids that sleep a little window into our crazy souls when you’re telling us how well your kids sleep.

Here goes, the Internal Conversation of a Sleep Deprived Mother with a Mother Who Gets Sleep…

Me: Hey, girl. Good to see you. I’m dragging this morning. The kids had me up all night.

You: Oh, really. Mine slept pretty well.

My Head: I’m sure she doesn’t mean every night.

Me: Oh, I’m glad they slept well last night. It’s good to get a few nights a month in where they do.

You: Oh, actually they do every night. They’re all really good sleepers.

My Head: Do not walk away. Just keep talking. She’s just lying to you.

Me: Really. That’s…that’s….

My Head: Just say awesome. Don’t say annoying.

Me: Awesome.

You: Yeah. It’s nice. I can’t imagine what I’d be like with no sleep.

My Head: Me! You’d look and act like me! Crazy! Do you think I used to wear clothes like this and sport greasy hair pre-sleep deprivation?

Me: But your 5-week-old, he’s not sleeping through the night yet?

You: Yeah. Crazy thing. He started sleeping 12 hours at night from six days old.

My Head: She is a liar. Just get up and leave. Oh, but she’s so nice. I can’t break up with her!

Me: So when did your others start sleeping through the night. Way later than that?!

You: Yeah. It took them FOREVER to do it, but FINALLY around six weeks.

My Head: Did she just say finally about six weeks old? I’m lucky if we can do it by 6 years old!

Me: So you must go through a really hard crying it out period to get them to go to sleep so nicely?

You: No, not really. Actually, I’ve never had to let any of them cry it out. They just like sleep.

My Head: Don’t feel bad. She’s just got the best luck of anyone in the world. If I gambled, she’d be the girl to take.

Me: Do you gamble?

You: Excuse me?

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. I meant, I’m in shambles today. Shambles.

My Head: Which clearly you’re not. Look at how pretty those nails look!

Me: I love your nails by the way.

You: Oh, I did them last night when I put the kids to bed.

My Head: Is she trying to rub this in my face? The fact that she has free time at night? Oh, wait. That’s right. That’s what you can do when your kids don’t wake up crying every 15 minutes. Someday, your day will come where you can lay your head down on a pillow and fall asleep…

Me: So, this may sound funny. But it’s been so long. I just can’t remember. So when you go to sleep. Tell me how that works.

You: Well, I just lay my head down on the pillow. And sometimes it takes about 10 minutes, but after while, I just….um, hey, are you awake?

Me: Snore.

Your Head: I’ll just let her sleep and watch her kids. Cause wowza. That girl is looking rough.

My Head: I’m a genius!!!! Maybe I should make more friends with rested mothers?

Related post: I Am So Tired

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