10 Cards For New Moms

I spent a half hour in the Hallmark store the other day looking for the perfect card to send to a new mommy friend. Much to my dismay, I couldn’t exactly what I was looking for.

In case you’ve ever encountered the same problem, I made a few to share…


Might as well let new moms know what they’re in store for, right?

Well, I certainly think so. 

About the writer

@scarymommy

In addition to being the founder of all things Scary Mommy, Jill is also the New York Times bestselling author of Simon and Schuster’s Confessions of A Scary Mommy and Motherhood Comes Naturally (And Other Vicious Lies)

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Donna Cerca Uomo Roma 2 years ago

Your boobs will never be the same again … I know :((

tyler 3 years ago

pretty sure, “Want good karma? Share this post!” is actually bad karma for you…

tyler 3 years ago

pretty sure that putting, “Want good karma? Share this post!” is actually bad karma for you…

Abbey 3 years ago

These cards are great…. sadly true… but still great!

Katie 3 years ago

Birth shouldn’t really always be celebrated. It is a self-centered choice made by the parents to gamble with a child’s life (they could be born with any sort of mental or physical illness) and is leading to world over-population. I know that AFTER the fact parents are the most selfLESS creatures on the planet, but in lieu of the self-centered initial choice, I prefer to say “I wish you a happy and healthy baby” instead of “congratulations”. I thought these cards were funny.

JJ 3 years ago

Seriously? I don’t know about you, but for me giving birth was a blur of pain, screaming, an idiot nurse who admitted she’d never given birth telling me to calm down, my va-jayjay being stretched to what felt like an impossible size, and a whole lot of gross reddish slime.

someguy 3 years ago

breastfeeding?

Angela 3 years ago

LOVE THEM! I would love to buy a nice boxed set to hand out at Mother’s Day. There’s no point in crushing a new mom’s hope of ever peeing alone again right away, hopefully by the time Mother’s Day rolls around the new mom can laugh at them too.

(Ps. being able to pee alone – albeit holding the bathroom door shut – is the highlight of my day;)

Lauren 4 years ago

I really like them all but there is no card that could justify motherhood and all of the new experiences and surprises. ; )

Ivette Muller 4 years ago

If you ever want to create and send these cards to someone – let me know. I’ll hook you up with a free SendOutCards account so you can put a smile on 10 new mamas faces :)

JG 4 years ago

I love these cards. They are brutal, but honest. They should be given out, somehow, before conception.

Terrilynn 4 years ago

I love these! You had me laughing. My favorite is the peeing alone one. You have no idea how much I miss peeing alone, and my youngest is almost 5… They are all great though.

Katy @ Experiencedbadmom.blogspot.com 4 years ago

Wait…how did you manage the Hallmark store with kids?! Mine chase each other around the aisles and pull out the cards with animals on them and refile them incorrectly. It’s all I can do to grab a card and pay for it while listening to them whine about why I’m not buying them anything.

Lisa Cash Hanson 4 years ago

Ummm these were so ridiculously funny I laughed out loud. Which isn’t a good thing because it’s 12:30 am Vegas time and everyone is sleeping including Matilda thank God-

My Favorite: Your going to look pregnant for two more months enjoy your baby. – Yea no one told me that part LOL

Thanks for the huge laugh
http://www.mompreneurmogul.com

Meredith Bland 4 years ago

Fantastic. I would suggest one like, “Congrats on your new baby. Don’t throw it out the window!” But I am kinda dark like that.

Maggie M. 4 years ago

Love the never peeing alone. Still don’t understand why they close the door for themselves and feel it is time to chat when I am sitting there.

Maggie M. 4 years ago

hahaha- real life is so much better then fiction Allison :)

Elizabeth 4 years ago

Pure genius. I need one of each, please.

Elisa 4 years ago

hahaha! awesome. It’s sad but true, all of it :-)

So… when if you new line of “tell it like it is” greeting cards coming out? 😉

Chris @ CleverFather 4 years ago

I’m going to print a few of these out and hide em in the wife’s hospital bag. Everyone likes cards, right?

Dana R 4 years ago

OMG, you HAVE to make the printables… Can’t stop laughing.

Deb 4 years ago

If only these WERE sold in stores…
Greeting cards are too boring – they need an overhaul like these.
Hilarious!

Elaine 4 years ago

I wish I’d seen these before having babies myself. Although then I might not have had babies. I guess I take that back. ;-P

And the wiping. OMG, the wiping.

Trisha 4 years ago

Love, love, love it!!! If you had only included one that said something along the lines of…”oh what a beautiful little baby girl…call me when she hits puberty..I know a good priest who performs a fantastic exorcism!!!

athena 4 years ago

Awesome! Everyone around me seems to be having babies, I’ll send them to your site for the new cards. Spectacular!

Cassie 4 years ago

Not meant for you Jill! I love everything you write!

Cassie 4 years ago

You are discusting and (obviously) such a sad person that you think that it is the best use of your time insulting others. So sad.

Bernie 4 years ago

Ha ha! That’s hilarious!! I love it!! Baha!! “You’re going to look pregnant for two more months!!” So true! bx

Amy 4 years ago

I have to clarify the shower statement. My youngest would strip off her clothes and come running to the bathroom whenever she would hear the shower running. So I would end up in the shower with a toddler/ preschooler for the longest time I cherish my alone time in the shower.

Crazy Nuts Mom 4 years ago

Actually in the U.S., it is pronounced Rah-Gee-nah, not Rah, Gy-nah. but close enough!

Regina 4 years ago

lol. I wrote that wrong. she said her vagina hurts more after reading the card. but I will have to remind her about reading things with her vagina!

Theremin Nipplecat 4 years ago

It’s a good job you didn’t see these when you had your son then, or he would have gone up for adoption after your death. Possibly being adopted by lesbians. LESBIANS.

Crazy Nuts Mom 4 years ago

I sent one of these to my friend via email, she had a baby on 11/8. She said ‘my vagina hurts more reading your card’
lol. Thanks Scary Mommy!

Mel 4 years ago

Nothing like getting real on ’em!!

SuperPsychicSpyChick 4 years ago

Childfree people (like me) will mistake these cards for advertisements to not have kids. That’s how I got here: I followed the link posted from a childfree group on FB. That’s exactly how they’re interpreting them lol. Personally, I think there’s no better statement about the end result of having kids than “the stork is a bird of war” on youtube.

Crystal 4 years ago

LOL!! I agree. Why lie to them. Being mommy somtimes sucks…it’s not all gumdrops and roses people!! We might as well be honest and stop setting the newbies up for failure and dissapointment :)

Recovering Supermom 4 years ago

Hilarious! I love the irony of the happy pictures and font with the messages.

Natalie @ MamaTrack 4 years ago

Love it. I think you need a c-section one.

“Congratulations! Sorry about that emergency surgery. Don’t worry–the scar fades. Sort of.”

Andrea 4 years ago

It’s called humor…

Ann 4 years ago

These are great!

Scary Mommy 4 years ago

Be my guest!

Marta 4 years ago

I think I need my card to be ammended that a year later uou still look pregnant!

Lucentis 4 years ago

These are priceless. I think the ass wiping one is my favourite too! :)

Natalie 4 years ago

These are fantastic! Would love to get some for my pregnant friends :)

anna ~ random handprints 4 years ago

personally, my favorite is the reminder of the “fourth trimester” still looking pregnant time. one of the most beautiful aspects of motherhoood :)

amy 4 years ago

LOVELOVELOVE. I showed my husband and we had a great laugh. Also once you have a little one, there goes showering alone until they are 6 or 7.

JstChrmn 4 years ago

These are not only amusing, they are REAL. I dont know anyone who lives in the perfect world of “nothing ever was fucked up with MY experience in childbirth or mothering”. These are what REALLY happens and if we DONT laugh about it, we will all go CRAZY! Thanks you scandalous blogging maniac (scary mommy) for making MY day:)

Margaret 4 years ago

I’m a little sad to see how many women find these amusing. Hardly a respectable card to send regarding such a beautiful event.

No Drama Mama 4 years ago

You would make a killing with these. Way more money than blogging!

Carri 4 years ago

My vagina hurts just reading those cards.

Laura 4 years ago

I have never seen better cards. SELL THESE!

Michelle 4 years ago

These are fantastic!!!!!!!!

Marie 4 years ago

This post had me laughing until there were tears streaming down my face. Clever! :)

-MM

Stacey 4 years ago

OMG- I was pee-pee laughing and crying all at the same time!!
Those are exactly what a new mom needs about a month after the big day when you really need a good laugh (and cry) about what you’ve got yourself into!
LOVE THEM- you are too funny!

jill swartz 4 years ago

jill these cards are amazing. I am so proud of you. love and miss you. jill s.

Lora 4 years ago

Hilarious!!

Jo-Anne 4 years ago

OMG!! Love these. You should really at least open a web store so we can buy these. I am sure you can make up some really good cards for the ex! These are cute and hysterical…especially My vagina hurts… still laughing!

Xiomara 4 years ago

These are awesome! I would have died laughing if I got these when I had my son. With how quickly I would cry after giving birth, a good laugh would have been perfect.

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes 4 years ago

Both neighbours are expecting a child! Please tell me I can download these! Or at least order them? They are hilarious!

Alison@Mama Wants This 4 years ago

Hallmark needs these RIGHT NOW. Awesome stuff, Jill!

Nan 4 years ago

Oh my goodness, I am in stitches… Jill, I am SO forwarding this to friends!

Powermommy 4 years ago

I wish they had these in the stores. LOL! So fitting! Thanks for making me laugh!

rach 4 years ago

Hilarious! I would definately buy these! My fav : my vagina hurts thinking oF you! Ahahahaha!

Erin I’m Gonna Kill Him 4 years ago

Christ, boys are disgusting.

Genius, Jill.

Not Winning Mom of the Year 4 years ago

I love “Boys are disgusting”. Cause they really are.

Jessica 4 years ago

I hope you sent these on to Hallmark.

Pam 4 years ago

lol, why do boys do that?

erin@mommyonthespot 4 years ago

Hil-arious! The receiver might not appreciate it right away, but a few months into motherhood, she will grateful for your honesty.

June 4 years ago

Ha, looks great! Mazol on the new add :)

Nina 4 years ago

Ha! All so true! Very timely . . . I’ll take them all.

Regina 4 years ago

This is awesome! My friend just had a baby so I emailed her one. I’m sure she’ll appreciate my sick sense of humor!

Kim 4 years ago

It’s called having a sense of humor. I figure you would have one if you read anything from this site before.

Reading (and chickens) 4 years ago

I wish that last card wasn’t so, so true.

Colleen 4 years ago

Shut the FRONT door. Those are for real the best cards I have seen ever. Too cute and funny! I want one!

Mamamasmelodrama 4 years ago

“You will be forced to use nasty public bathrooms because your newly potty trained child likes to sample strange toilets,”
Because boys are gross.

Bleu 4 years ago

You need to sell these cards to Hallmark or start your own greeting card business. If you haven’t already :)

Julie 4 years ago

Can’t. stop. laughing.

Can I buy these in a set?

Gina 4 years ago

BRILLIANT

Melissa 4 years ago

Ha! I laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

Jennifer 4 years ago

I was actually kind of mad at all of my friends for not telling me about this side of being a mother. I appreciate the honesty.

Jennifer 4 years ago

Or let’s see… 1.. 2… 7. Seven years. Or if you talk to my mother? 40.

Heidi 4 years ago

Oh my gosh! Those are perfect :) Except, 2 months? Hello! My youngest is 7 and I’m still not…. oh well, never mind. I make a good cushion for him 😉

And boys are totally disgusting and girls (teenage!) are a nightmare. Thank goodness for adult beverages.

Aimee 4 years ago

Right on!

Cassie 4 years ago

I LOVE the ‘you’ll never go to the bathroom alone again’ example. It is so true! I think that is why my 19 month old is already trying to use the potty all on his own-he sees mommy do it so much he already knows what to do!

Angry mother 4 years ago

Do we need to be ompletely serious andboring all the time. I wld have laughed hard if given one of these. Know that all my girlfriends wld too.
Love them scary mom, pls approach hallmark right now!!!

Carolyn 4 years ago

Awesome!
I even love your “tag” :)

sweet_archangel 4 years ago

Haha, these are awesome. And all so very true.

Scary Mommy 4 years ago

Yes, absolutely!!

Scary Mommy 4 years ago

I spent WAY too much time making them. :)

Scary Mommy 4 years ago

Ohhhhhh, good one!!!!

Scary Mommy 4 years ago

Um, or four years.

Scary Mommy 4 years ago

As am I. It’s called Ballpark. E-mail me if you want me to send it to you.

Asta Burrows 4 years ago

These are so true – I love them! I do wish it only took 2 months to not look pregnant any more though!

Scary Mommy 4 years ago

Amen.

Scary Mommy 4 years ago

Ohhh, I love that one. I’m on it!

June 4 years ago

How about Congratulations, your boobs will never look the same!

Rebecca 4 years ago

I would send these to every new mother I know.

Hell, I’d send them to strangers!

Mimzy Wimzy 4 years ago

I need these cards! Pronto!!! Awesome!!!!!!

mom taxi julie 4 years ago

LOL I love the “boys are gross” one. Why yes, yes they are!

The Mayor 4 years ago

Kids are a life changer. That is a fact. Pretending it’s all sweet and tidy doesn’t do anyone a favor. Kids, can be so darned horrid at times. And for some inexplicable reason we love them more than life itself.

If we can’t have a sense of humor about it, we’re going to need one of those cadillac insurance policies to pay for all the therapy.

Maissaa 4 years ago

I hear you… I have been a mother 8 years now. No sleep, wiping ass, no peeing alone and not being able to be sick all sound too familiar. Funny cards…

Anne 4 years ago

I remember when my friends in their early 20’s did that! You are so right.

Barbara 4 years ago

Love these! Children are the best thing ever but every woman deserves fair warning. 😉

Stephanie 4 years ago

Love the bathroom card! It is uncanny how the moment I have to use the restroom my kids need me or want to sir on my lap. How could this be?!?

amber 4 years ago

I think some commenters are missing the point entirely. These are hilarious. Should be made into spit up towels, so you can be reminded how lucky you are 456719324 times a day.

Kristin 4 years ago

My births weren’t particularly beautiful, but the kids sure are. This is celebrating them! Just with some silliness and reality and much-needed “Laugh, Mommy!” attitude.

The juxtaposition of the pictures with the words is perfect.

Jamee @ A New Kind of Normal 4 years ago

What I wouldn’t give to be able to pee alone! LOL! Either my kid or my dog opens the door…lol! You should totally market these! Too funny!

Jessica 4 years ago

I can think of some for people who are about my age having babies, too.

I’m 23 and I think some people my age are convinced that they’re already running out of time and must have all the babies they can have STAT.

What about? “Congratulations on giving birth to that thing you thought was going to make you “cool.” The rest of us are going to that party we were telling you about..”

Disclaimer: I’m not hating on young mothers. I respect that some out there are perfectly content given the circumstances. I’m hating on the friends of mine who *literally* thought baby-birthing would make others jealous. 😉

D McP 4 years ago

“congratulations on never peeing alone again” love it so true!

Anne 4 years ago

I love these! I would totally give these to friends, and then remind them that I have no kids, so I’ll be flouncing off to my clean house to enjoy my disposable income. 😉 I mock because I love.

Issa 4 years ago

LMAO. Seriously. I am. The boy one…gah. I never knew they got so gross so young. But yet, they do.

divasmegan 4 years ago

Love it that’s great. My uncle asked me if my dd felt as good coming out as going in!!!

Naps Happen 4 years ago

These are hilarious – the sad secret nobody wants to share with an enthusiastic new parent.

Krista from The Playdate Crashers 4 years ago

Oh YES!

Stephanie 4 years ago

Dude, 5 months. You still look pregnant for about 5 months.

Venus 4 years ago

HAHAHAHAHAH You forgot:

Congratulations on the birth of your child!

Remember that thing you did to get here? You’re never doing it again.

Galit Breen 4 years ago

Ohmygoodness, I so needed that laugh!

Zazie 4 years ago

My brother gave me a card when my daughter was born in Sept that I thought was priceless. It said “Hows your va-jayjay – Enough about you tell me about your beautiful new baby”

amory/irish twins momma 4 years ago

Me too!!!!!!! What about the cards for second time parents?!

Sarah 4 years ago

I saw a great card the other day on someecards.com. Congratulations…you’re 19 kids away from your own reality show!

Jennifer 4 years ago

Boys ARE disgusting. And violent. I’m not sure what is up with that.

SoberJulie 4 years ago

Ok where are these from??? I’d buy them

Rebeccah 4 years ago

Get thee to a cafepress account immediately and make these cards. And then retire on your riches.

Colleen 4 years ago

Love these! I am rather font obsessed. What font did you use on “never peeing alone again”?

Jane 4 years ago

My favorite, too. :)

Jane 4 years ago

Amen, sister!

Pam 4 years ago

My husband would have fits if I gave to MIL. The fact that my SIL was the recipient was a secret until I just blabbed it on here. loll

Laura 4 years ago

I think I would have to think twice about a so-called friend who gave me a card like this. Birth is beautiful and should be celebrated.

S Club Mama 4 years ago

LOL that’s hilarious! You gave it to your SIL. I’d give it to my MIL.

Life with Kaishon 4 years ago

: ) These just about sum it up perfectly, don’t they?
Motherhood bliss!

S Club Mama 4 years ago

LOL can we download these? They are hilarious!! No joke.

Coffee Lovin’ Mom 4 years ago

I am loving the daughter one but I think my favorite is the never peeing alone again…I’m loving that one too..

Pam 4 years ago

Awesome, my favorite is the behind wiping.
Worse mommy moment ever, major ummmmm ‘explosion’ outside a cafe in San Francisco. Ran out of those nifty wipes. Had to use my sweat shirt and the night gown I had packed in my suite case. I still miss that sweat shirt and I washed the night gown and gave it to my sister-in-law because I am just mean that way at times.

Ordinary Sarah 4 years ago

I would 100% honestly buy those. Someone would make a killing on those things.

Angel_DWMW 4 years ago

As a mother of 2 boys, I completely agree with “Boys are disgusting, Best Wishes with Yours!” WHAT is their obsession with bodily noises & functions; creepy critters; and mud puddles. I’m fully convinced those obsessions are part of their Y-Chromosome! (But I wouldn’t trade my demon boys for anything on earth)

Kim 4 years ago

Ha ha … I love every last one of them! Especially “boys are discusting” … so very true.

Allison at Motherhood, WTF? 4 years ago

This is perfect. I’m going to a baby shower this weekend and encountered the same problem in the card aisle. Didn’t help that I was standing there with two cranky, fighting kids.

Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation 4 years ago

Hahahaha! I like the ass wiping one myself.

Shell 4 years ago

Much more realistic. I think from now on though, I’m just skipping the card and sending wine.

Laura C. 4 years ago

You should print these on zazzle. I’d buy them.

Stacie 4 years ago

These are right on. Hallmark does have a card line called Edge of Motherhood that would fall in line with these.

Jess 4 years ago

You are a genius!!!!

Kim 4 years ago

Love this. I’m going to a baby shower this Sunday. I think this might be to realistic for a first time Mom. I will be sharing them with the others. Thanks for a good laugh.