We all know at least one mom who can be counted on to whip a snack out of her purse at a moment’s notice, or who mysteriously manages to fit everything she needs into one of those adorable wristlets the rest of us gave up on when we switched to diaper bags. There are almost as many types of mom purses as there are moms—which type do you carry?
The Medic Bag
This one’s always brimming with hand sanitizer and 87 varieties of character Band Aids. It’s a great choice for mothers of accident-prone children, germaphobes and women who like to offer impromptu playground First Aid as an icebreaker to meet other mothers of accident-prone children.
This mom’s kids are in so many sports, she has to completely cast aside the idea of any normal purse in favor of a sturdy duffel-sized sack. When you’re toting around heavy water bottles and (probably filthy) knee pads, then plunking your stuff down in the muddy grass beside a folding chair every weekend, you can’t afford to be too precious.
The Lost and Found
Mom’s belongings are probably in this bottomless pit of a purse somewhere, but to find her Original ChapStick she has to dig through seven metric tons of the crap her kids got tired of carrying, old toys she finds under the car seats, plus all the trash they’ve handed to her because every child knows their mom is basically just a walking garbage can.
The Snack Bar
Gum, candy, crackers, granola bars, juice boxes—this mom has it all on hand, because she knows hell hath no fury like a hangry child who’s miles from home and hours from lunch time. This is usually all carried in one of those backpack-style bags; Mom needs both hands free to wipe up her kids’ many, many, many snack spills.
The Diva Drawstring
Hearkening back to life when she could practically fit everything she needed for the day into her pocket, this little number has just enough room for a mom’s driver’s license, a lipstick and some pre-moistened makeup removal pads—which actually double nicely for getting dried mac and cheese off her kid’s face these days.
The Junk Drawer
Since a mom’s purse rarely ever gets cleaned out—Who has time for that?—this hobo-style bag is full of broken birthday party favors (which her kids insist she can fix with the tube of Super Glue that’s also in there someplace), keys she hangs onto because she has no idea what they unlock, and a tangled mess of loose paper clips and ponytail holders that she can never find when she needs them.
The Teller Window
Peer into this mom purse and you’ll find receipts, a few important forms she meant to fill out, her checkbook, a couple Dum Dum suckers and a million ballpoint pens—all you need is someone asking if you’d “be interested in hearing about our great loan rates” and it’d be just like standing in line at the bank.
This mom totes around extra clothes for everyone in the family, spare shoes, a toiletries bag, even suntan lotion. Maybe she’s just really well-prepared, maybe she’s planning to run away, but this handbag ensures she’s ready for a last-minute road trip—or at least ready for a post-blowout wardrobe change.
The Toy Chest
For those moms whose blood pressure goes through the roof by the day’s fiftieth “We’re bored,” dragging Toys R Us around by a shoulder strap at all times is essential. An ever-rotating collection of action figures, fast food meal prizes and (for times of extreme desperation) sticky bubble wands are intended to keep the kids occupied—and keep Mom’s sanity intact. Of course, unfortunately, the only toy they’ll really want is mom’s phone.
Because in the end, none of our stuff is really our own, is it? Whatever size, shape or state of cleanliness your purse is in, chances are it’s that way because it’s not really your purse—it’s your Motherhood Survival Kit. So good luck out there, moms; and whatever type of bag you carry, if you’re out at the playground later please come sit next to me. I’ll trade you some fruit snacks if you have a Dora Band Aid for my toddler’s imaginary boo-boo. I’m sure I put some in here somewhere…
Related post: Enough With The Freaking Snack Bags!