I know e-mail is supposed to be a more convenient form of communication than a phone call because I should be able to do it whenever I have the time. The problem? I am constantly under fire by two toddlers who spend every waking moment figuring out how to break me. And every sleeping moment, too, for that matter.
So, believe me, I have tried to reply to your email. I really have. But then all of this happens…
1. If I so much as look at my computer, my kids want to help. They are not helping. They have never helped me write an email a day in their little lives, but they are convinced that practice makes perfect so they keep trying. Thanks, Sesame Street, for teaching them that lesson.
2. My keyboard won’t work. No, it’s not because of a technical error. It’s because there is peanut butter smeared on all over it. At least I think it’s peanut butter. I hope it is. OMG what is that smell? Who put poop on my keyboard?!
3. The laptop screen is too dirty to see. My daughter’s decided to wipe her boogers and other treasures she pulls from her nose onto the screen. She says she’s decorating for Christmas. On the bright side, if she’s sticking them to my laptop it means she’s not eating them.
4. I’m scared to open my email because I’m pretty sure last week when I was inebriated I sent something to my boss I shouldn’t have and I will just die if I see that she’s replied to it. Ignorance is bliss, right?
5. I don’t know how they did it, but after beating on the keyboard for 20 seconds, my kids managed to delete every icon… and now everything is in German.
6. My laptop is buried under piles of laundry, junk mail, naked baby dolls, and nursing pads which is weird because I haven’t been pregnant in over two years.
7. I’d write you back on my phone, but the last time I saw it my daughter was using it to take blurry pictures of her feet, the wall, and a stick which has become her life partner.
8. Every time I try to write you back I just end up staring at the screen because I haven’t slept since the Clinton administration.
9. Any free time I have is being used for “me time” which consists of waxing my mustache, shaving the winter coat that’s formed on my legs, and shoving three-hour old chicken nuggets and stale Goldfosh crackers from my kids’ lunch into my mouth so I can cross “eat dinner” off of my to do list.
10. I even tried to do the text-to-speech thing, but my computer keeps typing duck instead of…
Someday science will figure out how we can talk via telepathy and then I promise I’ll do a better job of keeping in touch. Until then… maybe we can catch up in person in 10 years?
Related post: 10 Things You’d Find If MY Phone Got Hacked
This article was originally published on