A Plea To My Post-Pregnant Self: 4 Reasons You're Done Having Babies

I know why you’re reading this. You’re thinking about having another baby, aren’t you? Damn it, girl. Have you learned nothing from the last two little munchkins who resided in your belly for extended stays, and ultimately exited in the most profound, dramatic way possible?

Because it wasn’t all flurries and hiccups, remember? Pregnancy is intense. So I’m writing you this handy little letter to remind you what pregnancy really feels like (eight months pregnant and 30 pounds in). Because knowing you, you’ve forgotten the juicy tidbits and are just feeling nostalgic. I can fix that.

1. ‘Remember the Alamo’

Okay, my history is fuzzy and all I remember is that this famous folk song was a plea not to forget a bloody, harrowing battle. But our song should be “Remember the First Trimester!” because those weeks were brutal—the morning sickness, the fatigue. Trying to get up every morning was hard enough, and making it through the day was a major accomplishment. Have you forgotten all the tears? Falling asleep on the bathroom floor? That time you threw up in the car and didn’t have any wet wipes? Oh baby.

The morning sickness passed, thank God. Soon, food and water weren’t the enemy anymore, and the smell of coffee didn’t make your stomach turn. Before long, you could put the bedside saltines away and eat more than just dry sesame bagels. The memories of the morning sickness began to fade, but do not forget them! You fought that battle and won, but oh, those days were tough.

2. Flurries and Hiccups and Kicks, Oh My!

So here’s where your nostalgia is setting in. You remember those beautiful first stomach flutters and little popcorn kicks when the baby was still the size of a squash? Oh, those were the best, I admit. But don’t forget when the baby grew to the size of a pineapple and started poking you in the ribs and kicking you in the spine, always just as you were about to fall asleep, too.

And more importantly, remember the extended periods where you felt no fetal movement. Remember the worry and terror that ensued when hours would pass without kicks or jiggles, and you feared the worst and wondered if you should call the doctor or if you were just being paranoid. These moments were not uncommon, my friend, and they were far from fleeting. Eventually, you’d feel a little pop or jolt, and everyone was back in business. But pregnancy wasn’t all smiles and belly rubs; there were scary times as well.

3. Delivery Woes

And then there’s the birthing process. I know you haven’t forgotten that part. Remember the pain? Remember the screams? Remember threatening your husband, crying for your mom, and cursing your doctor? You weren’t being dramatic. That shit sucked.

Don’t put your vagina through that again. It’s been so good to you. Give it a break, and let it retire with some dignity.

4. Think of the Children

Okay, let’s step away from memory lane and think practically now. I know babies are the cutest, and you’re probably missing holding those little love bugs in your arms and feeling like your heart is exploding. But think of your children (the current ones). Think about the teenage years, when they’re making fun of you to their friends and when they’re starting to drive (gulp). Think about college tuition (double gulp). You want to retire eventually, right?

I know you miss pregnancy. It’s one of the most fulfilling, beautiful periods in life. As much as I wish I could downplay it, I can’t. At eight months pregnant, I’m writing you this letter already knowing how much I’m going to miss this. But you and your husband decided on two kids. You made a promise. So read this letter the next time you want to start tracking your period. Pop a few ginger gummies the next time you downplay the first trimester in your head.

Your pregnancy experiences are all but memories. But you made them yours, and you rocked them both. The proof? Those two beautiful babies that popped out of your vaginal canal. You’ve done your part. You gave your parents the grandbabies they begged for. You created a family, and it’s beautiful, and it’s perfect. And it’s complete now. Seriously, it’s done. Now tell your husband to schedule that vasectomy, stat.