William & Harry Won't Walk Next To Each Other At Prince Philip's Funeral

by Erica Gerald Mason
Max Mumby/Indigo/Getty

Prince Philip’s funeral will likely mark the first time the princes have seen each other since Meghan and Harry gave their explosive Oprah interview

In the traditions of estranged relatives everywhere, Prince William and Prince Harry are forced to breathe the same air during the funeral of their grandfather, Prince Philip. Harper’s Bazaar reports Buckingham Palace released a statement saying that the brothers will be separated by their cousin Peter, who is Princess Anne’s son.

Was Prince William’s Black friend not available to act as a buffer?

Palace sources insist the arrangement has nothing to do with the falling out between the brothers, stressing that the arrangements were made by the Queen herself. To which the entire galaxy rolls its eyes in disbelief.

Even William’s bestie Dan Wooten seems shooketh by the choice.

Every family drama consists of 3 things: diversion, distance, and disdain. To keep an uneasy peace, distance is absolutely necessary in the mix – without it, the situation can devolve into a mess of ‘why are you hitting yourself’ sibling behavior that is entertaining to watch, but not as much fun to experience.

The buffer, while strange, means that lip readers and body language experts will be on high alert during the televised aspects of the funeral.

I imagine the following interpretation of Harry and William’s posture and facial expression throughout the event: This effing guy.

Look, we’ve all been there, some of us on many occasions. The family function where your archenemy walks in and you smile so hard that your cheeks ache and you can feel your lips sliding over your teeth as you keep your expression neutral, while silently contemplating their super-public demise. So you do what a person with a plane ticket does – murmur something intelligible about needing more ice in your drink or complain about gastrointestinal distress. Then you dash to the bathroom, where you spend the next 15-minutes trash-talking your nemesis to your bestie over text messages.

The best kind of revenge is the kind where you appear unbothered. Something about the two princes, though, makes me believe Prince William would be the one to say “It doesn’t bother me at all that he’s here. It really doesn’t.” Only he would say it loudly and every 10 minutes and after the fourth go-around one of the royals (I’m picturing Edward here, don’t ask me why) would say, “Are you sure about that, mate?” And then William would enter into a cold war with yet another family member.

In the middle of all of this, one can imagine the most clueless royal would slide next to Harry and say, “So what’s Oprah really like? Think I should do an interview with her?” No matter what the scenario or setting, that royal would most likely be Andrew. Or maybe Princess Michael of Kent, if she can stop wearing racists brooches long enough to attend the services.

Somewhere in California, though, Meghan is sleeping like a baby. And so, so glad to be away from the royal circus.