Accidents happen, we all know that. Milk gets spilled, people stub their toe, salads get dumped over at fancy restaurants. Babies’ diapers leak, grown-ups don’t always make it to the bathroom on time, and we all know what can happen to a vagina during a yoga class — they make noise.
And speaking of vaginas, in case you didn’t get the memo, women bleed out of their’s every month, and it’s not a squeaky clean situation, to say the least.
But you know what? It’s not that big of a deal, so get the fuck over it.
Our bodies are beautiful and capable of amazing things, but they are messy. And you don’t need to tell a woman that. After all, we push babies out of our vaginas, get our stomachs cut open so a tiny human can come into this world, have our tubes tied, our insides pulled out, and things inserted up into our cave of wonders to prevent pregnancy.
And men, yeah, they have to slip a rubber tube over their dick. Once a man told me he had to get tested for a yeast infection and have a tube inserted into his penis hole, but I didn’t feel bad for him at all. I mean, the tube was about the same size as his opening, so he has no clue what real pain feels like, am I right?
So there is no possible way for men to understand what’s it’s like to bleed from their special place every single month. My ex-husband said to me once when we were married, after I’d had an accident on the sheets overnight while having my period, “You are 35, and you can’t control that yet?”
Needless to say, that conversation didn’t go well, we aren’t married anymore, and I’ve thought deeply about the different ways in which I could make him bleed out of his dong every month, but I decided to let it go.
I have a life to live and just like all the tampon and sanitary napkin commercials say, life doesn’t stop because you are having your period. Yeah, we wish it did. There would be nothing more satisfying than being able to wrap ourselves in a diaper and eat chocolate balls in front of the television in between soaks in the tub for a few days a month, but we literally can’t put a pause button on our life just because we are menstruating.
So, yes, we are going to have accidents. We are going to leak. We are going to scream if our pad sticks to our pubic hair, and for the love of all things holy, you should keep your mouth shut about it. If we’ve leaked on to our favorite jeans or sexy undies, chances are we’re already fucking pissed, so we don’t need someone to fuel the fire. Also, if you’ve never had to adjust your wings just so in your undies, you need to shut it.
Believe it or not, most women do not get their period like clockwork. Sometimes we are days, or weeks, early. There are months when we bleed for a few days, then it completely stops, only to show up in our panties a few days later again. It’s a jerk off to our lifestyle, but what can we women do?
I’ll tell you what we do: We take care of it. We clean up the mess, and proceed to get shit done. We’ve been doing it since the beginning of time, and if there was an easy way to plug it all up so we didn’t leak, believe you me, someone would have found it by now.
I know women who wear a tampon and two pads, and still leak after an hour. There are times when we’re running errands and our crimson wave appears out of nowhere and we aren’t prepared.
It comes with being a woman. It’s nothing to be ashamed of; accidents happen and we know better than anyone how to clean ourselves up and plow through our day.
And it’s no wonder women were the ones born with this curse — lord knows grown men struggle just to aim their pee into the a huge hole of water. Can you imagine if they were the ones dealing with this every month?