True Story: Women Are Putting Ground Wasp Nests In Their Vaginas

I like my vagina just the way she is, I do. I am sure you like yours too.

After all, they allow us to experience things like orgasms and childbirth.

It can increase in size to accommodate many things — lovers, a new very intimidating sex toy, and a human being.

And don’t even get me started on my favorite part, the clitoris. There are over 8,000 nerve endings in that beautiful thing — how lucky are women to have one? We should treat it well by having great sex, caressing it, and buying underwear that make us feel sexy.

You should pamper and spoil your lady bits. Splurge on a Diva cup or organic tampons.

But please, stop putting things in there that don’t actually belong, like ground-up wasp nests.

Yes, you read that right. Apparently, there is a new trend out there which has women of the world putting ground-up wasp nests — or oak gall, a large ball found on oak trees which is created by chemicals injected by the larvae of gall wasp — in their vagina. (Side note here: I am pretty sure my kids play with these regularly when they are outside pretending they have to survive in the wild. I don’t want to think about these in the form of a paste being spread on my vertical smile.)

There have been claims that this new horror can help with odor, a concern for so many women, but I have to say, can we stop the damn madness about vaginal odor? Your vagina is supposed to smell like a vagina, and there is nothing we can or should do about that. If you are going to put roses in there, it is still going to smell like a vagina. The smell will just be laced with roses — kind of like when you stink up the bathroom, then spray the place down with air freshener.

Another reason women feel compelled to try this is that it’s been said to detoxify your lady bits. Can we stop trying to detox everything already? Gynecologist Jen Gunter tells The Sun how dangerous applying ground-up larvae into our vagina is; it’s drying, can lead to abrasions during sex, and gets rid of the good bacteria.

Hard pass. I want to enjoy sex, not be uncomfortable, and I rather like my good bacteria, thank you very much.

Our vaginas are self-cleaning machines, ladies. They don’t need assistance.

One Etsy shop that was selling the vagina paste advertised it as a good way to improve your sex life, stating that it could tighten your special place right up. But the claim has since been taken down, probably because that is a load of horseshit. How about good old-fashioned candles, a sultry massage, and lingerie to improve our sex life?

Women these days feel enough pressure to stay young and taut in all areas, and now we are going so far as grinding up larvae and inserting them into our love canal in hopes of keeping it clean and tight. This is madness, folks.

Newsflash: Your vagina is fine, amazing even. You don’t need wasp nests to make it worthy. Let’s all come together and agree once and for all that these practices of inserting, tightening, exercising, and trying to get our honeypots to smell like, well, honey, is absurd.

Love your vagina for the glorious body part it is, and leave it the hell alone.