WTF Is Pecapplekin Pie, And Why Is It Trying To Ruin Thanksgiving?

by Maria Guido
Originally Published: 
Image via People

The Pecapplekin Pie is a crime against food

Have you ever sat around a table after consuming Thanksgiving dinner, glanced around at all the desserts your family was about eat and thought, “If only we could jam all of these pies into our faces at once. That would really make this meal special.”

No? Well someone has. Because this atrocity exists:

Pecapplekin Pie. No. Please stop.

PEOPLE asks,”Why choose between pecan pie, apple pie, and pumpkin pie this Thanksgiving when you can have all three in one?” No one is choosing. Everyone takes a small slice of each. That’s how it works.

Yikes. This is the dessert-hack video from hell. It’s like being at a rave with Betty Crocker on acid. Come down, Betty. Drink some water.

Civilized diners take a sliver of each pie after dinner, while exclaiming I’m so full I couldn’t eat another bite! Of course you do eat another bite, you eat all the bites, but society would fall into total anarchy if everyone just mashed all their favorite foods together all the time and shoved them down their gullets. Jesus, PEOPLE, were you raised by a pack of wolves?

For example, taking a giant bowl out the day after Thanksgiving and constructing a hot turkey smoothie is totally normal. You know — mashed potatoes, stuffing, turkey, and gravy all thrown into a bowl and into a microwave — then mixed together with a fork until it becomes a mash of post-Thanksgiving deliciousness. That’s fine. Because you’re alone. But exhibiting this behavior at the Thanksgiving table would not be okay either. Just eat your food like everyone else — nicely sectioned out on your plate.

We don’t need to figure out new and interesting ways to get more varieties of foods into our mouths at the same time. There is nothing like a Thanksgiving dessert spread: pumpkin pie is delicious, apple pie is delicious, and pecan pie filling is delicious. Don’t mess with perfection. Nobody wants your turduckin, and they don’t want your pecapplekin pie, either.

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