Your Spouse Sh*ts, and Other Facts You Learn to Live With

Before you’re married, your significant other can do no wrong. Their appearance is charming. Their quirky habits are endearing. And their natural bodily functions are … wait, what bodily functions?!

At least this is the naively blissful way new love should seem. Because, let’s be brutally honest, if your relationship sucks before the I dos, it’s certainly not going to get any better after the fancy cake is smashed, all the booze is drunk, and your expensive white dress looks like a dry cleaner’s nightmare.

Eventually, a few years, life’s highs and lows, and possibly a couple of kids dull the shine off of your relationship; people get comfortable and reveal their more natural selves.

Here are some spousal facts I have learned to accept or ignore, due either to a fear of life in prison or of being thrown back into the dating pool in my mid-thirties. Oh, and of course being in love for better or for worse and all that good stuff …

1. Hair grows everywhere except where it’s supposed to be. One day I looked at my spouse and thought: How is thick black hair growing in there (looking in his ears) and in there (now glaring up into his nose), but not on the top of your head?

2. Video games. I can not understand their appeal. When we were first married, my husband played loud video games all evening. Alone.

3. The sound of his chewing makes me want to lose my shit. Before our days of wedded hit and miss, I never noticed my man chews like a disgusting animal. And my sensitivity to eating sounds only amplifies his every slurp and chomp to my extreme irritation.

4. Baby deafness escalates at night. My husband had an uncanny ability to completely block out the baby’s cries all night long. On the other hand, my baby-senses were enhanced when my milk came in.

5. The amount of time it takes him to poop is ridiculous. Now, brace yourself for this revelation: everyone shits. Some people crap multiple times a day. And then there are other people, like my husband, who have a daily ritual. They take up residency in the bathroom each morning, often with their phone, for what feels like an eternity to take a dump.

6. A toilet issue. Many women complain about guys leaving the seat up. This isn’t our problem. Years ago, I watched a news segment that made quite the fecal particle impression on me. Now, I constantly remind my family to put the lid down before flushing with this question, “Do you like to eat shit?”

7. An early riser in every way possible. You can set my husband’s horny status by cock-crow. “Cock” being the operative word. My man cuddles up bright and early every morning with a not-so-subtle poke to my backside. When the sun comes up, so does my man’s cock-a-doodle-I-wanna-do-ya.

8. Passing gas in bed. This one is all me. The digestive process wreaks havoc on my intestinal tract. My bowels are a toxic waste site, and occasionally there’s a hazardous leak at the factory, often during nighttime operations. When this happens, I pray my sweetie is asleep. He usually appeases me with a little snore. I’m certain he’s faking; however, this is one instance when faking something in bed is highly encouraged and appreciated.

There you have some truth about long-term love. You eventually learn no one is perfect. And you must live with or ignore some things for the sake of love, avoiding prison, or the midlife dating scene. Well worth the extra effort because prison and dating are too damn scary.

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