10 Ways You Know You're a New Mom

by Deva Dalporto
Originally Published: 

2. You openly talk about your vagina with total strangers at new parent gatherings. How badly it tore during delivery, how many stitches you had, how it’s now totally off limits to your husband forever and ever and ever.

3. You’ve closely examined someone else’s poop exclaiming, “Oh that’s a good one! That totally looks like applesauce.”

4. You’ve gone to the bathroom with someone sucking on your boobs and you’re not a dominatrix.

5. Um… What was I saying? Sorry, haven’t slept in five months.

6. You haven’t changed out of your PJs all day. Even if you had the time/energy to get dressed, nothing in your closet would fit you and you refuse to wear your “due in May” tank top and maternity jeans eight weeks postpartum.

7. You have actually developed a taste for cold, soggy food and have come to enjoy eating standing up with a human being Bjorned between you and your next bite.

8. Um… what was I saying? Sorry, haven’t slept in five months.

9. You finally met someone you’d truly lay your life down for. I know you told your husband that on your wedding day, but you didn’t really mean it.

10. You finally have boobs like Pamela Anderson! Hallelujah!

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