10 Things I Said My Children Would Never Do

The people who can raise a perfectly well behaved child are those people who don’t have any children. You know who these people are because they don’t have dried pudding on their jeans. There wasn’t a toddler close enough to quietly put a booger in their hair while they struggled to adjust the cart seat strap.

The people who can raise a perfectly well behaved child are those people who don’t have any children. You know who these people are because they don’t have dried pudding on their jeans. There wasn’t a toddler close enough to quietly put a booger in their hair while they struggled to adjust the cart seat strap.

Before I had kids, I was also an expert on raising children. Here are some of my “expert declarations” and a brief rundown of my “actual” findings…

1. My kids will never behave that way in public. By “behave,” I meant they’d never throw tantrums in the store. Those hysterical fits that sound like they’re being chased down the cereal aisle by an actual shark. When tantrums actually happen in public, I react the way anyone in my situation would. I ask random people if these are their kids. Or, I’ll whisper to the people next to me: “I’m the nanny.” Occasionally I compliment my children on their form as they thrash and contort their body in ways that defy both human biology and physics.

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2. I will never leave the house looking like that. Oh, but I do. It’s not that I don’t care about how I look. I mean, mostly I don’t really care how I look, but a lot of times I actually forget to do things like brush my hair or put on makeup or brush my teeth. I have, however, never forgotten pants. You’re welcome.

3. My kids will not eat crappy food. My toddlers are picky. So, getting them to eat anything that isn’t a sticker or a crayon is a small victory. If they pass on green beans and carrots and choose to inhale chicken nuggets or pepperoni, it’s an amen-arm raising-hallelujah-kind of moment. I always toss in a gummy vitamin twice a day, this is how I live without guilt.

4. My house will never look like that. My house looks like a Build-A-Bear Workshop exploded in it. There are stuffed animals, clothes and toy parts scattered everywhere. I’ve learned that cleaning up after kids while they’re awake is like trying to clean up splattered food from an open blender, that’s still running. It’s exhausting. The only way my house will ever be clean is if it spontaneously combusts.

5. I will never be late anywhere. The slowest my children ever move is when we have to go anywhere that has a start time. On any given day, my kids burn around the house like their pants are on fire. They move with the energy of 80 toddlers, breaking the sound barrier as they circle the dining room table for the billionth time. The second I have to be anywhere, time goes backwards. It turns into negative time. That’s how long it takes them to get to me. -15 minutes. Don’t get me started on putting coats and shoes on. Let’s just say that no one can put their arm through the coat holes when they’re too busy trying to put their shoes on their ears.

6. I will never negotiate with my children. Negotiation is a powerful tool. It gives my children the chance to exercise decision making. Thus pushing them towards successful independence. Just kidding. It gives me my way. For example, if little Susie wants ice cream, she has to eat three more chicken nuggets. If she doesn’t eat them, everyone else at the table gets ice cream. Raising a child is like a business. It’s all about incentives. Okay, maybe it sounds more like bribing. To-may-toe. To-mah-toe.

7. I will not allow my children to watch TV. During winters such as these, when your family is one snowflake away from mumbling themselves into full-fledged cabin fever, TV is a sanctuary. A magical box that emits irresistible sounds and colors that buy me at least 15 minutes of motionless activity. Where I can resume banging my head against the wall without interruption.

8. I will never get annoyed by my children. Sometimes I initiate a game of hide and seek that I don’t tell anyone else about. Then, I’ll hide in places where a 3-year old would never think to look, like inside the dryer. And I eat candy.

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9. I won’t let my kids stop me from traveling. Taking a trip to Target requires more items than settlers needed for the westward expansion. If our forefathers had mostly toddlers in tow, they’d have made it as far as Ohio before one of them realized they left a toy behind. After the meltdown was over, everyone would mutually agree that Ohio was “west” enough. We do travel now that we have kids, but I’m not up for discussing our experiences. I’m still trying to sort it all out in therapy.

10. My kids will listen to me. I honestly believe that early childhood development doesn’t include the ability to listen. Hear, yes. Listen, no. For whatever reason, no one hears me until I’m in full blown auctioneer mode, rattling words off at 115 decibels. By the time anyone in my house responds, I’ve sold a sheep and four tractors at a farm auction six counties away.

There’s nothing more humbling than becoming a parent. There’s no experience in life that challenges your character, patience and endurance like raising children. Well, maybe surviving the Alaskan wilderness in the winter after being chased by a pack of ravenous wolves is more challenging. Hopefully those wolves were chasing you at -40 miles per hour and mostly kept their boogers to themselves.

Related: The Top 10 Things Moms Do At Target

About the writer

Christina lives with her husband, three kids, and two cats who still haven't caught the red dot. When she’s not neglecting laundry, or avoiding the grocery store, she’s writing and making mediocre meals for her family. You can find her hiding in the closet, eating candy at: christinaantus. You can also follow her on Facebook for dinner recipes and house cleaning tips. Just kidding. It's mostly a lot of nonsense and nothing useful.

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alli 4 months ago

I love this! I am karma pay back by definition and it’s so sweet and laughable when their Dad is paid back in kind as well! Poor soul makes plans and he still hasn’t “gotten” it yet when those plans don’t work the way he wants it to! :-)

Debbie Butters 4 months ago

SO funny! Love the part about trying to get out of the house…SO true!!

Kat 4 months ago

My mom taught us to behave when it came to public places. She has 5 of us, it’s not that hard. We started acting the fool, she took us out and sat until we stopped acting up.
Mom and dad always negotiated, because they believe on being fair
and taking trips, see first comment

Heather 4 months ago

So much YES to this whole article! I completely knew how to parent when I had no children. Now I’m a clueless mess making stuff up as I go. Totally made my day.

Sioned 4 months ago

I am the single Mum of one adorable, brilliant, stubborn, exhausting, compassionate, girl. She is one child, but it sometimes feels as though I have ten 😉 She is all I could ask for, and is a a handful at the best of times, and I NEVER judge other parent have they one or ten kids. We are all parents, doing our best, and I know when I see a child blowing a gasket in public, I make eye contact with the parent, give them a smile and a sympathetic nod, because I have been there. We have all had juice in our purses, pen marks on the wall, a moldy piece of fruit hidden in the couch, or the horror of milk exploding in a diaper bag, left overnight in a hot garage. We have all wondered “why is she so quiet?1” only to find her covered in hand-cream, happily spreading he remainder of it into the carpet… Having kids is an amazing, wonderful, stress inducing journey, and I applaud each and every one of you for being on that journey :) Love and stainfree shirt wishes to you all <3

Ashley 4 months ago

Really? The “people who have kids just shouldn’t fly” argument? Do you have a teleport machine to get them where they need to go? Or does your world involve a situation in which it’s perfectly easy to take an extra week off to drive so that you aren’t irritated that parents with kids would date to try to go places?

Ashley 4 months ago

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. It’s rough when you can feel things headed in that direction. I hope you are able to carve out some peace for yourself and get back to the woman you really are.

Also, I’m sure you’re doing a better job than you think.

Nicole Sloan 6 months ago

More power to the parent who thinks their child will never watch tv lol. Even before kids I never said that.

Lourdes Lecour 6 months ago

All of thee above!!! Ha! LMAO!! Auctioneer!!

Melissa Lambertsen Stoltz 6 months ago

#3! Every. Freaking. Day.

Laura Mailman Cabrera 6 months ago

Choices worked for my son until he turned 3 and then he say “I don’t want any of them!”

Laura Mailman Cabrera 6 months ago

Not brushing teeth? Ewww, never forgotten to do that…

Jessica Sadler 6 months ago

I love you very much but I had to tag you in this Jessica Sadler Smith!!!

Jessica Kamstra 6 months ago

Loved this. So true.

Beth 6 months ago

Loved this! I have 3 girls and 1 on the way which im praying is a boy! Its so easy to sit and judge and say yeah I understand but until you have been thru it or doing it those words are meaningless!

Amy Snowden 6 months ago

Remember Prince Harry stickinng his tongue out in the back of a car with Princess Diana right next to him? I thought that was how the British cleaned their wondows.

Rebecca Stockwell 6 months ago

Hilarious!

Kyla Renee 6 months ago

I said these things too while pregnant and married…. and then I ended up a single mom of two children with ADHD (1 year apart)… plan demolished :(. Lol

Jenna Rose 6 months ago

: LOL. :)

Trey 6 months ago

Educators have a legal responsibility to IDENTIFY students with disabilities, however hey can not DIAGNOSE. Hence her suggestion your child be diagnosed properly. Her suggesting you have your child tested for an emotional/behavioral disorder that you willingly disregarded, was not something to be defensive about, and most certainly not a conversation often initiated in a cavalier manner. In my experience, identifying students such as yours is fairly simple if you love your students unconditionally and have strong relationships with them (as most overworked – underpaid teachers do.) If you’re skeptical as a parent, perhaps you should observe your child at the school setting during an unexpected visit where you do not interact, but observe. Or you could ask yourself why you’re offended that the people around your child through her trying times of cognitive dissonance, are making helpful relevant suggestions to holistically aid your daughter? Educators often compile evidence and staff psychologist and/or administrative support that they cannot legally share with you the parent.

What’s the worst that could happen? Either you’re proven right or your child gets the support they deserve. Win/win.

Trey 6 months ago

Actually, eucators have a legal obligation to identify children who might have emotional/behavioral/cognitive disabilities, and it’s certainly not a conversation that is initiated without evidence, communication and typically administrative support. Teachers cannot diagnose, but they should always address concerns with a child that clearly behaves outside of the norm (which is refer to specific details in classrooms that led to their I hope despite what you feel is absurd, you consider having your son tested.
In terms of legality,

Rachel Schubich 6 months ago

Super guilty of #7 now that my second boy is here and it’s mid winter!

Jade Ford 6 months ago

I’m pretty sure that I always said I don’t like kids not that mine would be well behaved!

Libby Denman 6 months ago
Megan Higginson 6 months ago

My mom used to say that to me! So funny to me now that I have a kid. I remember being young and saying “mom, mom, mom, mom..” And her saying, “oh, sorry, that’s not my name anymore. I changed it..” And I was like, huh?

Patrice NJim Wilson 6 months ago

;-D I was AWESOME back then!

Paola Weston-Capuano 6 months ago

#2…..and the crazy thing is when I really look like crap some lovely mom in the school yard tells me how stylish I am in my sweat pants being I an italian trend setter…. love them!

Ashley Mead 6 months ago

I said mine would never eat fast food. Thank you Chick Fila for grilled nuggets and a fast lunch.

Anna Spinato 6 months ago

#9!! Haha

Jennifer Wilson 6 months ago

Hilarious

Bec Harlow 6 months ago

Definitely see myself here!!

Marie Clara MacKenzie Kiraly 6 months ago

EXCACTLY!!

Vsmom 6 months ago

Sarah, will you be my BFF? I need more mommy friends like you!!!

Ana Hughes 6 months ago

Omg #10. I truly believed it. Now? Notsomuch

Jessye Hartman 6 months ago

Yes, just yes….to all of these. Ugh.

Kay Mahoney 6 months ago

I used to tell my 4 kids that I wasn’t Mom anymore; I had changed my name and I would not answer until they guessed what my new name was! Total lie! Just needed some peace!

Jennifer Lynn Baker 6 months ago

Seriously hilarious! I’m so glad I’m not alone!!!!

April Nieto 6 months ago

So… Is it weird that I said those things and followed through?? I have 3 kids about 3 yrs apart and they weren’t allowed to act like that. I always showered, combed my hair, did makeup etc and my babies were always clean and well dressed. I had a strict upbringing and I’m thankful for it. I was also taught that it takes just as much time to look sloppy as it does to be put together.

Adrianne Ward Burney 6 months ago

I was a perfect parent before 1998 (when my daughter was born)!

Stephanie 6 months ago

So spot on it’s scary. I mean every single one of them!

Shannon Lee 6 months ago

The only one I even came to close to managing is the no tantrums in the store. Took two or three times leaving without buying anything, but after that my son behaved in public. We’ll see how well my daughter does in a few years, lol.

A’Leigh Hamner 6 months ago

I am the mom that has broken every last one and I am currently praying a survive the toddler years. My 3 yo daughter is giving me a run for my money.

Jennifer Jones Rombardo 6 months ago

So so true!!! Before kids I had it all figured out. Ha!

Amy Therrien 6 months ago

I love this!

Mel Issa 6 months ago

So funny when non parents say this stuff….

Vsmom 6 months ago

I am the married parent of one child. I suffer from depression and anxiety and am taking 4 medications to treat it. My child has ODD (oppositional defiance disorder), which means she is 100% more difficult to “control” than a child with no form of conduct disorder. My husband is pretty much a single parent 75% of the time. When we do go places as a family, my husband and I are (perhaps) overly-mortified when our daughter does something that seems more fit for a 3 year old than a 6 year old. We don’t want to be judged as bad parents, so we helicopter around her to see what issues we can prevent.

If you judge me for having trouble with only one child, you’re more than welcome to borrow her for a day. I guarantee you you will be out of energy and highly annoyed after 3 hours. You will happily take your 20 children back in order to a break from mine.

Katie De Oliveira Anderson 6 months ago

Before I said my kid would never watch TV, I feel so stupid now lol

Kendra Whittier 6 months ago

That is thee only way I can get my 2 year old to sit in the cart and behave. Thank you walmart for popcorn chicken!

Lynn Marie 6 months ago

Lately I have been looking around my house and laughing at my pre-kid self for thinking I would never have a house covered in toys. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Mel Wat Son 6 months ago

Haha non-parents make the BEST parents. Maybe I should ask them for some tips? Pmsl
PS I have totally said ‘just wait until I tell your mother when we get home’

Furie Chatham 6 months ago

“I’m the nanny”

Nichole Manor 6 months ago

Nice to know I’m not the only rule breaker lol I have broken all of these rules

Micki Horn Gutman 6 months ago

I love this. I remember sitting in a restaurant with my mom and grandma as a teen, watching a toddler have a tantrum while I proceed to tell my family “no child of mine will EVER behave that way” HUGE HUGE mistake. I learned after having my own kids never to open my mouth again. 😉

Lisa Jennette 6 months ago

I actually asked my husband yesterday while we were in Walmart, when did we become those parents, as we let our 3yo eat chicken poppers and chips as we went through the store.

Amanda Porterfield 6 months ago

I’ve said each and every one of these, and broken them all. But on the flip side, I’m a lot less judgey of little kids and parents. Having kids is hard. If I manage to get them to eat and wear a mostly clean shirt, I figure we’re doing okay.

Kaitlin Charles 6 months ago

Yes! And I Also think there is a difference between a messy house and a dirty one.

Gemma Cross 6 months ago

Love this!!!! Although I am an OCD tidier and I do tidy up around/after them constantly!!!!

Tiffany Lynn 6 months ago

Thank you for the laugh. Ive said all 10 of them and failed at everyone of them at times

Brandon AndLou Sanguine 6 months ago

My favorite is my toddler wont say No cause I will give them choices …….lol

Mary Waldron 6 months ago

Thanks we all have those lists. I remember thinking my child will never leave in any out of season inappropriate outfit. Who lets their toddler wear snow boots in July or the Halloween costume in April. That would be me.it made leaving possible. Keep blogging. Peace

Julie Kasik 6 months ago

I think some of the stuff people put to much drama on… Like I still manage to always put my makeup on and brush my teeth but it’s all in how you handle things. I know my House is a mess, but not because I don’t have the time to clean it, but simply just because I don’t care lol. Different strokes for different folks

Mary Earley 6 months ago

I was such a GREAT mom, before I had kids…
Now I’m just hoping I’m an okish one.

KC Pronto 6 months ago

My Mum worked as a nutritionist but we did sometimes get McDonalds and Wendys. I think as long as kids eat it’s a win. Looking back I have zero advice for my parents we were little terrors God bless them!

Alexa Nernberg 6 months ago

Thanks for the chuckles. I will confess, when my children did these things, I was not always chuckling. There were many times, I could have pulled out my hair. There were also times, that I found myself sitting in the attached garage on the step almost in tears. Motherhood is not for the weak!
]

BalesOfHails 7 months ago

SOMETIMES. Sometimes. Other times they want little kids to sit and be quiet. Dealing with it right now with our 6yo. Her teacher was aghast that she would rather draw pictures of unicorns and ponies than practice her letters, and doesn’t like to stop playing. Yeah, that’s annoying, but it’s not really a problem, lol.

BalesOfHails 7 months ago

I wouldn’t take it too personally. My lady bits won’t hold another baby either. It’s all in good fun. I don’t think anyone was seriously saying anything mean.

BalesOfHails 7 months ago

I wouldn’t take it too personally. My lady bits won’t hold another baby either. It’s all in good fun.

BalesOfHails 7 months ago

Hahaha, as a parent of one I sometimes judge parents of 2+. You could have stopped! You got greedy! LoL, no, all in good fun. I’d have more, but my lady junk doesn’t work anymore. I just take in respites and play mommy to more for the weekends ^_^

Atthasanto 8 months ago

Actually children will disobey if we didn’t tell them correctly. Also, children will imitate what the parent did, not what the parent said. So if we only keep telling them but never give them example how to do it, they will not do it.

Btw, I have a parenting blog. If you like to visit, please open it here:

http://parentingthumb.com

Thank you :)

Jenna 8 months ago

Why is that “yikes?” Another jerky judgmental mommy comment. How sad.

Jenna 8 months ago

I don’t think it’s fair to tell people to just “relax” when these comments are clearly coming from a nasty place.

Jenna 8 months ago

It’s jealousy. Obviously she’s not comfortable with her choice to have three kids so she has to judge others. Pathetic.

Jenna 8 months ago

Well, it’s not their responsibility to work around your schedule since you’ve decided to become the mother to three kids that take up all your time. And it sounds like you have the same respect for other’s time that you do for all the people stuck on a plane with your bratty kids because you insist on flying.

Jeffrey Pillow @ Wannabe Novelist, Actual Dad 8 months ago

So long as my daughter doesn’t turn out to be an illiterate, meth addicted stripper, I’ll consider my parenting tactics a success.

Your list hits the nail on the head. Nothing is more humbling than becoming the parent of a small caveman.

Nicole 8 months ago

Don’t forget the clothes part. “My child will never wear dollar store, Walmart clothes, always wear shoes, never go out in pajamas” or mismatched clothes. Easier said than done!

kaleah 8 months ago

Wow seriously? There is a possibility those people with one kid still put in the same amount of time and energy. Maybe even more. Who is to say you don’t have 2 in school and one in daycare half the day or something. Maybe you have support from family or friends that single mothers with one kid and no family or close friends does not have. Don’t judge anyone. I hope you’re not teaching them to think the way you do, no matter how “great” you are for birthing three kids.

L Davis 8 months ago

“you’re a man so you have no clue.”
“I never judge…” One of these statements is a lie.

Michelle 8 months ago

um, I’ve lived in Alaska all my life, ravenous wolves and all, TODDLERS ARE WORSE!!!!!
Somehow we thought since we were ‘old’ (33) when our first child was born, and we had several friends struggling to get pregnant, we shouldn’t waste time. He was 7 months old and I was pregnant again. Two toddlers nearly killed me – now I do not judge any parent, frankly I carry candy and freely offer it to other parents to bribe their kids out of tantrums at the store!

MKM 8 months ago

@Mary I don’t know if your child is at a public or private school, but I just want to point out that it is illegal for a public school teacher to recommend any diagnosis, testing, or treatment. I minored in education as an undergraduate and took a course on special education in which we were told this in no uncertain terms.

Arrabiata 8 months ago

Remember, mommies, when your kid throws a tantrum in public, leave with the child. Take that horrible shrieking noise where it belongs, your ears and your ears only. Your kid, your problem.

Julie 8 months ago

I hear ya sister! The book, “I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids,” came out when my oldest was a little over 2 & it helped me to feel better about how I was doing as a mom. It’s so easy to judge others until you have kids of your own, and if you have a special needs kid on top of it, as I do, all the crap you read and kindly “advice” you get goes out the window very quickly.

Beesy24 8 months ago

Thank you for this comment, I agree. I am not a fan of seeing “now I judge parents with one child.” We also only have one and that is because my husband became paralyzed from the waist down just after our first child was born. I would have loved to have had more, but no luck due to his paralysis and related diagnosis, even with medical assistance.

New aunt 8 months ago

While setting up sister in law’s baby shower my brother cut his eyes several times at my 11 year old son as he was being his usual rambunctious but relatively well behaved self (i.e. he didn’t break anything or trash the place). I told him–in front of other people no less– that his time is coming. I don’t think he believes me though as he came home from a party the other day and basically said he had a terrible time because the children there were obnoxious (he said they were running around all over the place–typical pre K behavior). I cannot wait until he realizes #1 will not be avoided.

Marita 8 months ago

Amen to that!

Marita 8 months ago

Angel*

Marita 8 months ago

Granny, feel free to babysit my ONE kid anytime! Lol! I honestly didn’t want any kids, God blessed me with my terror, oops I mean angle. My son’s father is an addict (I found out after I was already pregnant) and so he’s no longer in the picture at all. I could sit here and judge 2 parent families, or say how much harder I have it than others. But instead I realize that it’s hard for everyone! Having (a) child(ren) is a huge responsibility and giant sacrifices, but it’s worth it. Instead of judging everyone else, how about we encourage other parents when we see them struggling with their ONE child in the grocery store. Or their 6 children at the park. That’s why our society has been sliding on the downward slope so fast. Instead of helping each other people are quicker to judge, therefore making the other moms (or non parents) feel more like a failure than they already do (mom guilt is natural).

Kim 8 months ago

OMG…. Laughing at your reply! I thought about testing my 4 year old for ODD. Everything is “no”, “yuck”… Even now at 5.5! I was also very judgy and uppity about kids before I had my two, hyper, crazy kids. It’s probably karma;). I got what I deserved. Oh, and I was a teacher too who couldn’t relate well to the hyper ones or ones who failed spelling tests. Well, now my first grader fails spelling tests even if she gets 100 at home…..it’s much harder than I ever imagined!

Krysta Manning 8 months ago

This is wonderful! I empathize with so many of these. I used to wonder how someone could possibly forget to brush their teeth. Now, I do it about three times a week. Did I mention I’m a dentist?

checkedout 8 months ago

And in this house she is a horrible, awful, angry, lazy, selfish, resentful screaming witch who cusses like a sailor and is becoming a worse excuse for a human being by the moment. Shine bright? Yeah, like a nuclear waste pile. I want my damn veneers back.

Lula 8 months ago

Cake is perfectly fine 😉 grew up in Italy and my breakfast consisted of milk with biscuits (pan di stelle by Mulino Bianco,yum)sometimes we would have brioche or jam tarts :-)

Amy 8 months ago

Oh DutchMommy, I spend a week with a dutch family and their daily breakfast was bread with butter and sprinkles (SUGARY sprinkles). Not much better than a donut. So, let’s be real here.

Amy 8 months ago

I had 2 in quick succession (irish twins!) and I TOTALLY understand the appeal of a one child family :)

Dutchmommy 8 months ago

Here in the Netherlands we never give kids cake for breakfast. My DD just gets porridge or á slide of toast and jam.

Serena 10 months ago

This is so funny. I’m reading Supernanny. It’s a good book, but I felt so inadequate as a parent after reading her advice. I thought, how will I ever memorize this? Especially the part about not bargaining with kids. Because for me sometimes it’s the only thing that works. It’s so nice to see I’m not alone.

Tabitha 11 months ago

I love this, so true and funny! And thank you for being real and honest, as it’s so easy to feel alone when you have a houseful of crazy kids!! Mine drive me nuts!!! Love them though, of course x

sunshine 11 months ago

Yep, my grandmother had 6 and she always told me “It’s as easy to do for two as one”. She didn’t want my daughter to be an only child (I am an only child myself and I understand why she feels that way). So now I’m about to have the 3rd one. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, miserable, etc., I think of my grandmother. 6 kids in rural Appalachia, with no money, no help, no indoor plumbing, and my life seems like paradise compared to that. It also helps me keep it real. Like, do I need a baby wipe warmer? Did my grandmother need such a thing? And so on. Won’t work for everyone but it does for me! Just gotta keep it in perspective.

Brittany 12 months ago

I’m sorry but I have 2 kids and always watch my niece and nephews and this does not apply. If your child is acting like that you need to whoop their butt because they have no respect for you. How can you enjoy your child when you are always fighting with them? When they respect you…you can take them places, have fun with them, have FUN family vacations. And not to mention…not raise a brat. The younger generation has no respect for anyone..and it’s because everyone is so against spanking…guess what…life has consequences… if you steal because you feel entitled to something…you will get in trouble…if you punch someone because they made you mad..you will get in trouble. Yes your kids are going to act out and it is YOUR place to teach them what not to do. Give them a verbal warning. Tell them it’s not okay that you did that, if you do that again I will have to spank you…then if they do it again. SPANK THEM!! Because if you don’t…they will know next time you aren’t serious. Teach them to respect you…teach them to respect others…teach them to respect themselves.

DigDug2k 12 months ago

And some of them do by choice. And they relish that once a week they can sleep in till 8 because they have a nice wife/husband who gets up early that day, or maybe their kid comes into bed and cuddles for awhile, or maybe their parents babysit on Saturday morning. But whatever it is, they aren’t going to give that up to come to your 10am meeting. And if you don’t like that because you have three kids and sleeping in isn’t possible, they apparently don’t care. Its just another, “Deal with it” moment of parenthood. Same as the kid who, after you’ve tried 30 different toys and 20 different snacks is still squirming and screaming on a plane. I really am sorry that you have to listen to it, but not I don’t ever feel bad enough that I’m not going to take the flight. :)

Jaime Gonek 12 months ago

Never say never is one of those rules to be broken!

Kim Goodhue 12 months ago

My kids eat great. That’s the only rule not broken.
My favourite is when my 5 year old hides in the clothing racks, and jumps out scaring people. It’s our new game now. We try and see how many people he can scare…..
Hey, if it gives me 5 minutes of shopping time….!

Amanda 12 months ago

I still like to read this. We did a trip with our littles this summer. And a camping trip. I might need to have therapy now too.
Last year we went to the ocean. My toddler almost down in the ocean, in the tide pool, in the hotel pool all in the first day. But after that we actually had a nice time. Youngest was only able to sit where sat. That helped. : )

Amanda Macrorie 12 months ago

Love #8 lol

Lisa Marie Maresch 12 months ago

Good one

Nex Arcla 12 months ago

I didn’t have a specific list like this, but I have managed to stick to MOST of mine. However, I work retail. My list was influenced by the kids from hell–sorry, the PARENTS from hell and the consequences of their neglect.

Rhiannan Green Caraway 12 months ago

It’s not that hard to makes your kids mind and to have a happy and enjoyable life. I stick to my “my kids will never” list pretty good 😀

Rebecca Soloniuk 12 months ago

Sooooooooo true!!

Gabriella Vandemmeltraadt-Dunn 12 months ago

Lolol love this

Kelly Connolly 12 months ago

Haha

Mike Green 12 months ago

Tongue untied.

Annie Boudreau 12 months ago

Love. This.

Amanda Sheren 12 months ago

Not even by 1%

Judith Garcia Rubin 12 months ago

Nope ! I stick to the “that definitely was my child” list ! Let’s face it all children are different , but all will have similar outburst , tantrums, curiosities, playfulness, sleeplessness and happiness no matter how big or small . Now us as parents on the other hand … Hmmm after becoming parents , we have only one list … Help me get through this day sanely please “!!

Layla Neumann 12 months ago

Every single one of these is true for me!

Elizabeth Stesen 12 months ago

SURE

Laura Sauer 12 months ago

My kids follow every single rule I set for them before I even had them, and because I stuck to my convictions instead of folding and giving in to mediocrity, they are perfect little angels at all times. JUST KIDDING. Bahahahahagsgju! I just wanted to see what it felt like to be one of those sanctimonious commenters with the perfect children and the contempt for the author’s message. My kids are animals.

Michelle Barnes Meczywor 12 months ago

Nope! My kid has way more stuffed animals than I ever imagined :/

Veronique Labranche 12 months ago

Hahahahahahaha.. I didn’t have but my friend who did, got a rude awakening.. LMAO

Rebecca Fisk 12 months ago

My kids have done things I still won’t admit! But kids can and will be assholes….even your own! Lol

Bridgett Sztanyo 12 months ago

Good luck with all that. Haha

Shivi Kour 12 months ago

Yes, I’m that mom too! Had a good laugh, thanks for sharing!

jessica 12 months ago

All these and more. There is ONE thing I have still not given into. My mother used to lick her thumb and wipe stuff off of our faces when we were away from the house. I SWORE I would NEVER do that. I have come close. As close as licking my thumb (we were having family portraits made) but my brain intervened at the last second lol. I stand by my teenage proclamation. I will NEVER clean my children’s faces with spit.

Carrieann 12 months ago

Luckily I live in Europe so it’s fine to give my kids cake for breakfast, well…. I live in England, not Europe, but I’m close to Europe, and in Europe they give there kids cake for breakfast, I’m sure of it, I’ve seen it. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it :) x

Kirstie Jezequel-Goodwin 12 months ago

I stuck to one rule only and that was never give in to a tantrum. That alone eventually meant my kids are easy in public snd ask nicely for anything and can accept the word no.

Tansy Rocco 12 months ago

I never had a list. I knew it was tempting fate.

Jennifer Haverty Ahn 12 months ago

O.M.G. All of this is so true! I have to share.

Kimberly Pidgeon 12 months ago

Omg. Those were my 10. All blown out of the water.

So far I’m sticking to the “no tattoo” rule. They absolutely must wait until they are 10.

Facetiousness 😉

Sarah Shugarts 12 months ago

Although my daughter is just turning 4.. So far I’ve stuck too not letting her get her ears pierced till she’s 13! I think they are a privilege and something she should be responsible for, if she decides she would like them. 😉

Nina McCord 12 months ago

Yes I was guilty of this pre- children but now that I have three children, I just have to say if you don’t have children… Shhhhhhhhh

Melissa 12 months ago

Mine now expect candy every time they get in their jammies without a fight. Or even with a fight… Once they are in jammies they ask for a treat.

Lisa Self Modling 12 months ago

I never thought I would still have to tell my 11 year old son to stop licking me (or the dog or anything else for that matter), but when autism is involved there is always something!

Ashley Sandoval 12 months ago

I said I would never let my kids eat in the car. Now my car looks like the place gold fish crackers and cereal go to die .

Debbie Sainsbury 12 months ago

I was the most judgemental person before kids…”why doesn’t the mother do something about that out of control child”, etc etc – my sister used to tell me, as payback, that she hoped I was “blessed” with triplets! Guess what – first pregnancy….I had triplets!! I will NEVER again judge another person for anything…karma is a biatch!! My list evaporated day 1!

Amanda Nelson 12 months ago

I will never let the kids eat in the car…. Child #2 made me break that, now I buy things to “stock” up the car like our pantry. It’s how I get them into the car most days… uhhhgg pick your battles

Joeyandkatie Graham 12 months ago

The only rule we’ve stuck to is not giving our kids sweet tea in a sippee cup.

Chrissy Vasquez 12 months ago

One of the few rules that I haven’t broken is being the type that counts to 3 like three hundred times in a store all sweetly while little Susie or Johnny destroy the store. I’ve punished in the store a handful of times and now my oldest doesn’t mess with
mom in the store. She’s not perfect by any means, she still has her moments in public but she knows I’m not full of hot air and empty threats. I just hope my infant will follow suit and not be more defiant.

Michelle Blood 12 months ago

Hahaha!

Sue Silverman 12 months ago

Nope! Not me!

Michaela Biancardi 12 months ago

I tell my friends without kids the mommy gods are horrible beings, never say “I’ll never” cause each one has bitten me.

Michelle Fischer 12 months ago

Sometimes, at the end of the day, if you haven’t lost or injured anyone, that’s a win 😉

Ayla Ervin 12 months ago

I like it that she has complimented the tiny contortionist. That makes me smile big. I don’t let my kid drink soda. I taught her it is gross. She can eat candy though. I prepared myself for constant public humiliation or maybe my mom did by being constantly publicly humiliating. We’re good there. She can pee on me at Wal-Mart. We’ll be okay.

Veronica Munoz Herrera 12 months ago

My kids will never leave the house without shoes….im lucky if they make it out the door with socks….

Aerin Freno 12 months ago

Rofl, #1 all the way!!! Sometimes no matter what ya do, kids will be kids.. In the past I would be in a store shopping, kid screaming in the near distance, I would tell myself, not my kid, never! My 3rd child, she has totally proved me wrong, I do all I can to teach this gorgeous 2 yr old good behavior, but when it comes down to it, and she is lacking a nap, or just in a bad mood I am rushing through the store to get out before she drives everyone around us crazyyy with her loud, obnoxious screams 😛 my older 2 never did this, ever!! So, lol, it happens

Niurka Hex Diaz 12 months ago

i’ve stuck to all but #2 it’s so heard to ALWAYS! look good lol

Donna Fellows 12 months ago

I have a much smaller list of the “Things my KID DO”. I think there’s about 10 items in it! lol

Genesis Blue Davies 12 months ago

“My kids will not play with toy guns.” My oldest was maaaaybe 18 months old when he bit some toast into a pistol shape and started shooting egg monsters. I gave up shortly after that.

Jagdeep Basi 12 months ago

I love the hiding in dryer… Maybe ill give it a try :)

Kimberly Mix 12 months ago

Love it!!

Reina C Dowdrick 12 months ago

I will never let my child run around in just a diaper… oh, fuck it, he isn’t going to sit still any longer

Marcie Adams Nolan 12 months ago

Turns out our babies have minds of their own!

Christina M 12 months ago

Thank you for the valuable reminder that this is reality and not a personal hell of failure. It sometimes strikes me as eerie when one of these articles hits exactly on my current day’s adventures… and doubly so when the author shares my name. It’s almost like I DID write this one. :-)

Robin Geier 12 months ago

NO!!

Angie Ricci Layne 12 months ago

Fellow mamma’s… Cheers to the days that end with everyone still in one piece!

Tracy Reali 12 months ago

Number Two. NUMBER TWO!!!!!

Sara Petrick 12 months ago

Nope! My first I broke was “never use a pacifier.” I made it almost 24 hours. Lol

Melanie Kathryn Hemingway 12 months ago

With the first one, I stuck to EVERYTHING. But by the time I had our second, I had also been taking care of my gramma for a very long time and I was done. Now I just stick to the really top important ones, like behaving in public. Most of the others have flown out the window.

Emily Strange 12 months ago

#9

Caroline Novak 12 months ago

Hilarious….and frighteningly accurate!!

Sarah OnFire 12 months ago

Not even one…oh wait. ..I mean every last one. I was an amazing mom until I had kids. Now I’m just a human one.

Jennifer Jones Rombardo 12 months ago

Haha I said all of these (before kids)!!! My BFF tells me all the time now I told you!!

Valerie Ann 12 months ago

Yeah – I’m that mom too…but I gotta say that 15 months in my lil man still doesn’t watch tv (accept some football with daddy)

H Annie Hutchinson 12 months ago

I’ve stuck to it pretty well. My two year old has used an iPad about 4 times and had mcdonalds once when we were traveling. I do everything I can to make sure I never become a lazy parent. He is my world.

Reham Ekkawi 12 months ago

this made my day I havent laughed this much in a long time THANK YOU… and NO I havent stuck to anything on any of the lists hahaha I wish I could though

Helen Russo 12 months ago

oh hell no!

Donna Allen 12 months ago

Things haven’t changed — I said the same thing when my boys were little. NEVER say NEVER

Stephanie Acocella Marrone 12 months ago

Anyone that says their kid will “never” do any specific thing should wake up now. It’s called life and the real world. Make all the lists you want, if you have kids things just don’t always work out the way you planned.

Amy Snipes Jennings 12 months ago

I loved the part about negative time, lol. My four year old’s newest stalling tactic is to “forget” how to put on his underwear and clothes and “forget” where we keep his backpack and shoes. Drives me up the wall!

Tara Kass 12 months ago

‘My kid will never take a sh*t in the yard’ … said I 5 years ago. And then it happened…

Monica Jo Ptacek 12 months ago

Saw way too many of the “my kid would nevers” when I was growing up to think that. Pretty much presume they will do any manner of terrible things and pray to be pleasantly surprised that something I try to teach them actually sinks in without them having to make the mistake…

Liz Squires 12 months ago

Of course I haven’t stuck to my list. Because I live in a place called Reality where my kids couldn’t care less about how I think things should go 😉 haha

Jennifer Shalen Callahan 12 months ago

The only “my kids will NEVER do that” list I had was things like “my kids will never ride in a car without an appropriate restraint.” I was the last of my family and friends to have kids, so I had advance warning. 😉

Jennifer Alban Stoney 12 months ago

I love this

Maria Bullis 12 months ago

That was super funny! I have broken all those. I remember telling my mom, when I have kids, they will sleep in on Sat or learn to let me sleep in. They will play quietly in their room till I’m ready to get up. Yeah, my 6 1/2 year old was up at 6:30 this morning asking me to play with her. :-)

Aviva Comet Hoback 12 months ago

Never had that list. Had a list if what I won’t “let go”, stuck to it.

Kelly Tucker 12 months ago

No, I follow the rules “if my kid does that, I can promise you he/she will never do that again!”
And
“My kid better fear death if they did that.”

Richa Wilson 12 months ago

No, child won on the fist night home, screamed for 3 hours straight . I’m still trying to sort that one out 16 years later.

Cassandra Huber 12 months ago

That list went out the window looooong ago.

Nicholle Dye 12 months ago

Heck no I didn’t

Brenda Adler 12 months ago

“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
― Bill Cosby

Savannah Gross 12 months ago

I never made a “my children will never…” list, but instead made a “my child will never be allowed to get away with…” list. I can’t control what my child chooses to do, but I can certainly control how I react to it.

Lindsy Pfaff 12 months ago

I failed at everything except not allowing mcdonalds… I’ve NEVER let her have mcdonalds… But her grandmother has and we had a little chat about it

Brenda Adler 12 months ago

My favourite was “If *my* kid has a tantrum we’ll leave the store”. Yeah, no. My child would throw a tantrum because he didn’t want to be in the store, then if you leave it reinforces it, woo-fucking-who. So, that was me holding a tantruming toddler with holding a wad of napkins to my nose because he head butted me (accidentally, I think). Parenting-win, don’tcha think

Yana Viteri 12 months ago

I just tell them police will come and take them to jail…it works sometimes…

Alicia Mullin 12 months ago

My son has never done ANY of these things!!!!, lol. Yeah right!!!

Julie DeFrancesco Fletcher 12 months ago

Oh man I was the BEST mother!!!!! Before I had kids! I’m hoping the third one will thank the other two eventually, as my standards have gotten a little lower with each one…and more as time passes. Survival, that’s what it’s all about!!

Nikki LaCour 12 months ago

I negotiate and allow junk food. Occasionally. Usually when I’m tired or wanting to sleep in!

Kelly Probst 12 months ago

The van!!! My friends vans were nasty!!!! Yup, I’ve apologized to them all:)

Amy San 12 months ago

Ha nope

Roury Collins Mosby 12 months ago

LMFAO

Michael Mara Strauss 12 months ago

Too realistic to think they would not succumb at some time.

Amy Rueter 12 months ago

I did fairly well–can’t remember any tantrums, and my kids listen quite well :) and my great in-laws made it possible for us to travel (we never did in our 20’s) but guilty of everything else!

Kylie Russell 12 months ago

I fail at every one except being late…I can’t handle being late lol

Frederick Schroeder 12 months ago

Failing miserably

Carrie Hart 12 months ago

Yup and I failed at a few.

Bobbie Lawhorn Kirk 12 months ago

Yep I said my kid would never be an asshole. He proved me wrong.

Amorette Young 12 months ago

I never anticipated having kids, therefore there was no list.

Treyci Jones 12 months ago

…I guess I’m a “mean” mom lol. My list isn’t long and some of the things on this list I never even thought of adding, but my list of “my kid will never” has been very well upheld :/

Lauryn Johndro Darner 12 months ago

I’m sorry, this was hilarious! My son is only 6 months old so I’m seeing I have a good bit of excitement to look forward to!

Lisa Jamison 12 months ago

So true. Good read. Thanks

Yvethe Tyszka 12 months ago

Nope… I laugh at it now

Yamell Galarza 12 months ago

I’m sure we were all better parents before we had kids.

Melody Grace Greer 12 months ago

I totally said everyone of these. Now I have 2 kids under 2 and I’ve found myself in public in my house slippers because I forgot to put on decent shoes. Getting the kids in the car seemed like my only goal at the time.

Megan Dutto 12 months ago

About 50/50

Lynn V Mc 12 months ago

I am proud to say…I have never been a “not my kid” kind of Mom. I took care of kids before I had any – saw foot in mouth repeatedly!! Kids are capable of anything!! Lol

Robbie Nehring 12 months ago

I told friends ” Never say never because given the right set of circumstances as a parent you just might do anything”.

William Belzil 12 months ago

Nope. I stuck to my never having kid way of thinking. :o)

Hayley Durgan 12 months ago

They started getting broken an hour after he was born. Lol. But he’s happy, healthy, and growing that’s all I care.

Beth Steffen 12 months ago

I used to always say “my kid will never go without shoes in public” it used to irk my nerves to see kids in shopping carts shoe-less. Until I had a toddler. It’s much easier (aka not impossible) to do groceries with his shoes and socks safely tucked into my bag. Otherwise, I spend my entire time at the store apologizing to the people who got a shoe/sock to the face and chasing around tiny shoes. Plus, then I don’t lose his stuff AND I get everything on my list while he eats snacks, or holds the random box of crap he gets if he behaves. Lol

Alisha Brokaw 12 months ago

This gave me a good laugh. Thanks for
Sharing

Beatrice Leavens Brown 12 months ago

Mine did most of them.

Sandra Mood 12 months ago

I remember saying i would never let them watch sponge bob, then i watched an episode and it was over. It became a regular family event! I think my kids threw one tantrum each in the store when they were about two or three. My son wanted something and I told him no. He started screaming I told him to knock it off or I would spank him. He said matter of fact “you can’t spank me in Walmart” I said “you wanna bet, I can spank you as much as I want to so long as I don’t leave a mark that last longer than 24 hours.” I knew this because I had a friend who worked as the director of the states victims advocacy for children department. Anyways his eyes went wide and he stopped. I have never had another issue in public with him since and he’s 14 now. My daughter was very different. The threat of span kings meant nothing. She threw a fit and I laughed at her which made it worse and then she heard a stranger start laughing too and she stopped. She was so embarrassed by a strangers attention she never did it again as well.

Heather Whitaker Ward 12 months ago

Mine too. We actually were asked to leave a public area today.

Alexandria Cruikshank 12 months ago

I know some of these people had kids. Like why stare at me lol

Stacey Endsley Thompson 12 months ago

You are not alone! My 2 year old is the same way.

Cara Beaty Coffey 12 months ago

LOL yes, oohhh yes.

Mary L Smith 12 months ago

Yes. I said my kids would never doubt how much I love them. They know. I said my kids would never be punching bags, their dad tried it. He is now an ex with supervised visitation.

Yana Viteri 12 months ago

It’s true that being a parent is indeed the most humbling experience. You realize that you cannot judge other people after you have kids…

Cheryl Stevens 12 months ago

Eh… Mostly I haven’t stuck to it. Said if I really wanted to I could keep my social life and exercise daily… My kids 4 and I have yet to get the balance down. Lol. I did vow that my child will never be a bully or be mean to others, and that most certainly has been and will be stuck to.

Gina Perkins 12 months ago

The things my kids will never do and the list of things that i said I would never do are both out the window. The list of how I will torment them when they have kids is growing though :)

Karen McGrane Cleary 12 months ago

Basically yes

Sarah Corbett 12 months ago

Broke every single one multiple times. My children (23 & 16) both survived and surprisingly enough … So did I although I’m not sure where all this grey hair came from.

Kali Lyles Morgan 12 months ago

Yes, yes and yes! All of the above!

Megan Lambusta 12 months ago

Love

Melissa Griffith Scott 12 months ago

I have been able to stick to my list…..the best though is that my children have never thrown a fit in a restaurant!

Alexandria Cruikshank 12 months ago

I was hoping they wouldn’t scream in the stores. Ohhhh I was wrong… I’m the parent people stare at with their noses turned up. When my 2 year old gets tired of their store she let’s you know..

Melissa Colella 12 months ago

Ahh the list lol I remember being a new smug mom judging all the moms already playing the game. Lmao I’ve broken all those then added some.

Heather Whitaker Ward 12 months ago

My kids do almost all of the things I said they’d never do. I wish I knew as much about kids now as I did before I had some

Tracy Hohler 12 months ago

I’ve broken every rule and then some. My kid is fed, bathed and clothed and happy. That’s all that matters at this point in time. Haha!

Katy Cardoza 12 months ago

Absolutely. I have even added some.

Amanda Roach 12 months ago

I have said everything on that list before I had a child! Everything on that has happened since having a child.

Chelsea Schoaff 12 months ago

Yeah… My little one ate an ice cube off the floor of a Subway yesterday. That list is long loooong gone.

Chelsea Schoaff 12 months ago

Yeah… My little one ate an ice cube off the floor of a Subway yesterday. That list is long loooong gone.

Stacy Hebein 12 months ago

Yes, I have. I don’t have a long list, but it is set in stone and my boys know it. LoL I’m a “mean mom” 😉

Vicki Vincent Bokhari 12 months ago

I said I would never buy my daughter anything from the clothing store Justice. I broke down and she got an outfit. ((Store still makes me cringe))

Stefanie Dean 1 year ago

I have rationalized cheesecake AND pumpkin pie (pumpkin is healthy, right?…c’mon..it’s a vegetable!!).

Vixentexas 1 year ago

Thank you Granny, I feel better – wowza – to be honest with you never heard a parent being so judgemental towards another. I cannot have any more because I had some complications after my first and I’m just blessed to have had one healthy one in my 40s – so what if she’s everything in the world to me?

Vixentexas 1 year ago

“now I just judge parents with one child” – wow, was that line necessary? and the comments above? we shouldn’t judge if you have 1 or 5 kids – sometimes is not by choice, sometimes it is, and so what? we are all equally parents who go through same struggles. Please be careful with that…very hurtful to be honest.

Jessica McFarland 1 year ago

ROFLMAO at this

Jessica McFarland 1 year ago

My son has Autism. Luckily the school he attends is awesome with working with us, but before he was in actual school, the day care workers were like the teacher your son had as was the manager and finally we had to pull him and his brother out (they’re triplets) and find a different one, thank GOD we went through it then, b/c if it had been at his actual school I would have been a HELLA lot meaner then I was, as it was it was all I could do not to beat that thing who calls herself a woman down!!

Cindy 1 year ago

I love this! Today my mother, sister, my 3 year old and myself were checking out the community yard sales. Naturally my 3 year throws a tantrum like full blown screaming in the middle of town….that being said there is a new mom holding her new born glaring at me as if my child was bothering her! So I looked at her and all I could say was “ohh you just wait until he is 3” ! Turned and left. Why do moms think their baby will be perfect and never throw a fit for an ice cream cone or toy?? Because it will happen!

Shauna 1 year ago

I have one kid. That’s all I can ever have cause I got sick when she was 2 and my reproductive system is all messed up now, cant get pregnant. Maybe those of you who are judging me for having 1 kid should know the whole story before you judge me.

Sheila 1 year ago

Love it! #10 is spot on.

Linda Battershall 1 year ago

A good book is “Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting”.

Linda Battershall 1 year ago

Y’all just wait till they’re teenagers.

Linda Battershall 1 year ago

Well, honey you’re a man so you have no clue. I had six and raised them pretty much on my own. Two loser husbands. My ex, father of my two youngest, still in high school, checked out 12 years ago and for the past 6 years has only seen them a couple of times a year. I never judge, I know how hard it is. One is hard.

mom of 6 1 year ago

Oh my yes! We have 6 as well. My husband works offshore so he’s gone for over half of the year, that leaves me tending to all of them by myself. Our youngest are another set of twins and they’re 2. I’ll never understand how both parents can’t control or tend to their only one child and here I am juggling 6.
My favorite comment in stores are… are they all yours? Glad you and not me. Ummm… maybe that’s why we were blessed with them and not you.

Emily 1 year ago

“My children will eat what I put in front of them, because they’ll know there are no other options. If they’re hungry enough, they’ll eat,” my childless self once said.

Now I am the mother of the pickiest two-year-old on the planet, who would sooner starve to death than eat a vegetable. I bargain (“If you have a bite of broccoli, you can have more mac and cheese!”), threaten (“Eat that broccoli or just be hungry”), and plead (“Honestly, PLEASE JUST EAT ANY FOOD”), and she will shake her head and say in that tiny two-year-old voice, “No, I too [don’t] like it.” Meanwhile, her best friend happily eats basically everything as soon as her parents gently suggest she might like it. When we go out together, BFF is chowing down on green beans and pork tenderloin, while my daughter eats three bites of a french fry. BFF’s parents are close friends of ours and just smile sympathetically, but I’d be willing to bet they go home and wonder to each other why we don’t make our daughter eat better.

Apparently I was the same way as a child. When I tell my mom about our dinnertime adventures, she tries to be sympathetic, but often just cackles gleefully. I totally get it – more than once, I’ve found myself staring at my daughter over an uneaten plate of food and thinking, “Someday this will happen to you, and I just hope I’m at your house to witness it firsthand.”

Karen 1 year ago

Aw, I am sorry momma. I would have offered you a hand. I have done it before.

Karen 1 year ago

Oh my goodness, yes!!! I am a terrific cook. Friends beg for dinner invites. Yes, I grow all those veggies and herbs in the back. My daughter will eat dirt, a crayon, and stickers before she will eat most of the food I cook. Thankfully, I just don’t take it personally and tell her that crayons are not in the budget for snacks.

Karen 1 year ago

I was such an expert on children before I, you know, had children.

Kelli 1 year ago

I guess I can count myself lucky that my son has never (and I do mean never in his 9 years of being on this earth) thrown a tantrum in the store and he actually does listen to me (he wont listen to anyone else but he does listen to me)!

Robin 1 year ago

It sounds like some people should change their panties for ones that don’t easily get in a wad. 😉

I think the point of the article was that parenting is different than one expects. Many things in life are. A little humor helps us get through life I think.

Brandi 1 year ago

I was thinking the same thing. Not everyone plans on having only one child. Sometimes they are lucky to have that one child at all. I was raised with 3 siblings, I never wanted an only child, but that is what I have. And I love him, except maybe when he acts like an only child, then I wonder why I had a child at all. ;-D

Rachel 1 year ago

My biggest about-face? Before kids, I’d see parents with toddlers on little leashes/harnesses at the mall, and think to myself “Never!” Now that I have my own brood, I’m open to leashes and muzzles for the little darlings!

lesbomom 1 year ago

I knew that my daughter wouldn’t throw those kinds of epic tantrums at the grocery store, either. Until she did. And it was so bad that I left everything on the conveyor belt, apologized to the cashier and the customers around me, and walked out of the store with child in tow.

TwinsMa 1 year ago

As a parent who started out with twins, I never got to enjoy life with just one child. I imagine it had to be simpler just because you would have a free hand occasionally.

Anywho, I can totally relate to this because I turned into my mother who sometimes sounds like my father who does things that I rolled my eyes at people in the mall for doing with their kids. *sigh*

Oh, and I had one more to go with my twins because they started walking and I thought things seemed easier and I thought “I can do this. Let’s have another one.” And that other one was my fabulous baby who turned into a holy terror after she turned 2. (She’s five and hasn’t slowed down on that at all.)

And I still sound like my mother most days…

Hbombmom 1 year ago

Thank you

Hbombmom 1 year ago

Haha! So funny. I search out Astronaut Barbie if I’m ever requested to give Ms. B as a gift. :) Barbie doesn’t bug me anywhere near as much as Bratz dolls do though.

MY3sons 1 year ago

My DS9 has had a similar ride in public school. I have been vigilant about getting him evaluated and whatever ‘services’ he would benefit from. He’s very smart and does well academically. Socially, not so much. He’s working on it, but he is still singled out all the time at school. If something happens, HE must have been in the wrong. Being objective is something teachers lose, especially as the school year wears on. I’ve also noticed that some of his problems are rooted in the fact that he is a BOY in a female teacher’s class, and that more than once, he’s been placed with a teacher that obviously should have retired already. My son will never conform, I have raised all of my kids to be individuals who think for themselves.
His ADHD and Bipolar Disorder are bad enough that he genuinely CAN’T help certain behaviors. His teacher last year had the gall to call my son to the front of class each morning and ask if he had taken his meds. She even accused me of not giving him his medicine. Totally illegal and none of their damn business were my exact words to the principal during my unannounced visit to her office the following week.
I know he isn’t the only kid in class, but a little flexibility would go a long way with my son. I find it very interesting that immediately following my meeting and request for a 504 plan (denied) that he was quite suddenly not such a problem after all. His behaviors are difficult for me too, but I have to find ways to get around them (easier said than done)—so should the school. I will not squash my child’s personality so that they have an easier job. His report card proves that we shouldn’t have to. All children are individuals first, students second.
This summer, I will once again grit my teeth, cross my fingers and pray the he gets a teacher who will understand him and not one that will persecute him. I thought teachers were trained to teach all kids, not just the ones that will sit and be drones.

Granny 1 year ago

Where is the law that says you have to have more than one or any? I don’t understand the judgement against people who only have one child – or even worse against those who decide not to have any.
In the old days farmers had ten to help with the farm. Those days are gone.
My daughter has one. She is happy. Her husband is happy. I am happy. Some of my other kids have decided not to have any. It is up to them. As long as you are good with one or ten – as long as you can handle it (responsibility-wise and financially) – then good for you! I personally have had nine – four of my own and five adopted kids. They have made their own way in life and made their own decisions. How many kids or none at all is very personal and this Granny refuses to get involved (except babysitting – lots of that please!).

Donna 1 year ago

Try Fiber One brownies. My kid adores them and they are delicious!

Donna 1 year ago

My advice to you is to request a neuropsychological evaluation referral from the pediatrician. That can rule anything out even something as simple as dyslexia. Not that I am making assumptions. It is just a suggestion. My child was diagnosed with ADD at 7 and is 11 now. I have been through the process. Luckily she is dominantly attention deficit and not hyperactive.The school is 100% out of line in attempting to diagnose your son. They are not doctors. To address Scott’s statement about teachers wanting children DRUGGED UP to not deal with them…that is extremely ignorant.My child does take medication and unless I told you you would never know it. She is not a “zombie” who is drugged up. Nor is her teacher’s job easier. In fact, we talk MORE frequently. meet more frequently and she tutors my child on her own free time once a week without pay because it is not in the school’s budget and she wants my child to do well.

Donna 1 year ago

I have 1 child. I use birth control. There IS a reason for it. Judge away.

ScattyCat 1 year ago

re child causing a scene in public – I find a loud “What would your mother say?” works well :)

ScattyCat 1 year ago

Ah Hide and Seek, I had a variation on yours where I would “count” while my son went and hid. He was (initially) amazed at his extraordinary hiding abilities, then slightly disgusted by my crap seeking abilities. Was a while before he cottoned on to my little peaceful breaks on the sofa. I think about 12 minutes was our record

Carla Barnes 1 year ago

I had my boys helping with setting up my sister in law’s baby shower (their first) My brother kept giving my 11 year old sideways looks when he would get a little rambunctious. I kept thinking just wait dear brother, just wait..your time is coming…

Michelle 1 year ago

Hahaha, I say all the time that a cupcake without the frosting is just a glorified muffin and therefore perfectly acceptable to feed children for breakfast! (Should point out that these are made from scratch, from test batches for my business, and only rare occasions. Plus, have you read the nutritional labels for an Otis Spunkmyer muffin? Holy crap! Lol)

Cynthia Negron 1 year ago

hahaha…. yeah. I know that one. My daughter turned out to be such a light sleeper…

Momof5inoregon 1 year ago

Hahahah! I have 5 children ages 22 – 11 and this brings back such memories!! Now when I hear a screaming child in a store, all I can say is thank goodness that is not my child! Now I just have teenagers that argue with each other! Things don’t necessarily get better the problems just change and the older you get the more you let things slide!

sankoji 1 year ago

Hehehe! I thought I’d serve my kids all-natural, organic foods until reality set in. I’m exhausted all of the time and my toddler son is hovering at the lowest end of the growth curve. Oreos? You got it. I console myself with his food options by saying that at least I buy the Trader Joe’s (all-natural) version…

JennFantastic! 2 years ago

Oh mah lawd, that is just too much perfect! hahaha I mean, here I was just trying to nurse my 20mo son & start bubbling over with outbursts of laughter, until he finally looks up, like, “MOM! What?! I am trying to EAT . . stop wiggling!” haha And I was only on #4. The entire thing was terrific! Even the bio had me giggling out loud. :)

Lyla Cass Slade 2 years ago

Thank you for this hilarious article that lets me know we are not alone on this journey called parenthood!

mamarye2 2 years ago

The article didn’t say anything about parents of one child. There are several people who are bashing them in the comments. That’s what people are upset about.

Jennifer 2 years ago

See I totally get what you mean. I have 4. My 10 and 6 year old are my extra eyes and ears on my almost 2 year old twins. They definitely offer up their own complications but happily occupy, play, soothe, teach, snuggle and love our twins. If only that would change diapers.

Sheri 2 years ago

along with #3 I can add that I’ve also never forgotten one of my children. . .now that it’s been said outloud, I’ll probably forget someone the next time we’re out;-)~

Jaimie 2 years ago

This is a great post.. Plain and simple humor where a majority of us are able to laugh out loud and think of the moments where we can relate to the key points.. I enjoy a good laugh and the awareness that I am not alone here is priceless!!

Mary Jones 2 years ago

You have given a good training to your kids which will help them in future. i will surly apply it on my kids, hope they will be good.

k 2 years ago

so true! and that pointing finger came out of nowhere and i just couldn’t control it! that pointing finger that i swore looked so ridiculous and archaic before i had kids…now has a mind of its own. lol

k 2 years ago

so true about over diagnosing from people who are not doctors. (and even many doctors). my son struggles too, similar description. also a joke on me, a long time nanny who really didn’t understand until i had my own. i think my daughter then came along as a consolation prize because i kept feeling so blamed for my son’s behavior. my daughter came into this world a perfect little peach and has not stopped making me look good ever since. thank you god. lol
if you haven’t read it yet, try reading “the way of boys”, by anthony rao. it is such a great book for moms like us of high energy (insert various labels here) boys. helped me so much to lessen losing my temper over his behavior.

k 2 years ago

i laughed about your tongue in cheek comment. i knew if you were in a room of my girlfriends, including only child moms and others, we all would have been laughing. we all try not to judge and we all make some mistakes along the way. i totally heard your humor and sympathy to the moms of one who are being judged. too bad the others here are offended and can’t see you were actually giving sympathy for those who get judged. brits must have a superior sense of humor (lets see how bashed i get for that one. lol)

k 2 years ago

well said!!!

Gina 2 years ago

Melancholy, So funny! Glad to know I’m not the only evil whispered.

chris 2 years ago

Thank you thank you. Dad’s who work a 9-5 don’t get this. I do. I’m work on weekends and do music prep work for shows like ‘Am Idol’ and “Dancing w/ Stars” but all from home. This doesn’t impress anyone of course, and I am the one pretty much taking the kids out, feeding them, cleaning after them, shopping, cooking, etc. This is all so true. My wife did some nannying before we had 3 kids and we had all the answers. Not anymore. I’m the one with the disgusting car with zombie handprints on the windows and science experiments growing on the seats. I’m the one with the house that smells vaguely of cheese and diapers. I’m the one who you can’t talk to on the phone because i’m constantly telling a child to stop kicking me in the shins while “daddy’s on the phone.” I’m the one making backroom deals with 5 year olds to buy a window of peace so i can get some work done to prevent getting evicted. I’m the one arriving dead last to ballet because their shoes vanished into thin air before we had to leave. And my issue is that everyone looks at me and assumes it’s because i’m a clueless man, and I’m just filling in for the day. NO. I’ve been at this for 13 years, and it only gets worse, because even though you get more experienced, you also get older and more exhausted.

Jessica 2 years ago

So, it’s clear that David probably didn’t even read the article. Bad form Dave. Are you kidding? This article made me laugh my face off! Christina nailed it! All of these things were certainly on my “my kid will never…” list. Except, I don’t eat candy while hiding in the dryer. I eat cake while sitting on top of the counter. Because I can still see the little darlings looking for me, I have eyes right on them, but the cuties never think to look up. So I have time to take a swig of milk, swallow my cake, and surprise them.
Christina, good job! You are as clever and classy mama! Don’t listen to people with no sense of humor.

Jamie 2 years ago

I LOVE this! Seriously, to the people that are so perfect and that their kids have never done anything on this list – amazing….but I guarantee that you are not any better of a parent than I am! I am willing to admit that I am not perfect…I can fully admit that my kids have done every single one of those things (except for a tantrum in a store…I leave if I feel like they are escalating). These are the types of articles that we need to be reading! There is so much pressure to be perfect, “pinterest” moms (and I will fully admit that I am a “pinterest” mom for sure, but far from perfect!) For me it is refreshing and comforting to know that I am not the only one who feels this way sometimes! Thanks to you for writing it – I thought it was hilarious and completely spot on! To those who are being super critical or judgemental – that’s fine. You are clearly way better than I am….and I am ok with that!

Kellie 2 years ago

I struggled the very most with my first. Everthing is new! Honestly my third was the easiest (keep in mind relative to #1). He’s such a chill kid, I feel so lucky. I know 3 moms who have 8,10, and 11. They have strengths that I don’t have, but I have my strengths too! Stop the Mommy Wars! We’re all different. Cheers.

Christina 2 years ago

This article is for fun. It’s not a 101 study on how to raise your children. It’s for moms who need a smile and reassurance that they aren’t going through things alone. This site is a Mom Confessional. Where raw feelings and emotions are welcome. It doesn’t mean we don’t love our children. It doesn’t make us bad parents. I guarantee you that not a single mother reading this article, and site, is not grateful or thankful for having her child/children.

If you can’t find humor in parenting, weather it’s making fun of yourself or situations you find yourself in, then I’m sorry but you lead a life more seriously than I would ever want to.

Regarding the one child issue. A commenter posted very early on about how having one child doesn’t count. This was not part of this piece. This piece was about what I said before I had kids. Incidentally I believe that it doesn’t matter how many children you have. All parents go through struggles, trials, joys and triumphs regardless of how many kids they have. In my mind if you have kids (yes, even just one) it’s a level playing field.

Thanks again to everyone for sharing their thoughts. It was really great to read them all. Oh, and for a commenter way up top – I let my kids have cupcakes for breakfast once too.

Sylvia Garcia 2 years ago

Amen! I only have one…and she constantly demands MY attention. Each of my 5 siblings say its just as draining, if not more with only one. I’m the only one with an only child. Siblings do entertain and perhaps aggravate each other. However, much of what one child needs, can be done at the same time for more than one…like baths, meals, and stories.

Laura 2 years ago

Don’t judge parents of just one child too harshly! I only have one child, I am a single mum – its harder than it looks to be both parents but I manage and have a pretty awesome and well behaved little girl too!

Maria Trader 2 years ago

Exactly….

Laura 2 years ago

I had 2 wildlings one is 31 and still wild but legally so and a winter sports addict, then teres my wonderful girl who said she would never have kids, or never let them act that way. She’s now an attorney, with 3 under 4 years. I used to tease her and say I hope they give you a hard time ! Her first spent her first month of life in the hospital having open heart. My daughter and husband handled it with grace. Then twin girls appeared, they still handle it lovely. But every wild thing that kids do they do, the noise is incredible . I don’t tease her anymore just love them all and wish I could of been as good a mother as her here’s to you Katie lee

Mary 2 years ago

Aw thanks. There were plenty of days I wasn’t “graceful”. lol

Yes, ADD meds CAN be extremely helpful for the few who actually have ADD. There are new studies out in which docs are discovering ways to get a physical diagnosis, which will (hopefully) reduce the number of kids who are on meds who shouldn’t be.

In my son’s case, the meds made him worse because he didn’t have it- thus the expulsion.

Teaching is like any profession. Some idiots, some jerks, and some pretty awesome people. We’ve run into a pretty broad spectrum. He has two teachers this year who are just phenomenal, and no trouble really with any of the teachers for him. This year, it’s my daughter’s turn- she has one who’s just unreasonable… but at 17, she’s much better able to handle it, and it’s a good life-lesson in diplomacy.

Teachers do go to school and learn to do what they do, and I appreciate, so much, the hard work they put in. After 3 years of homeschooling, nobody understands how hard they work like I do. It’s when they start thinking they know more about the individual kids than the parents (a very pervasive attitude in this district), or start taking it upon themselves to give out medical advice, like diagnosing kids with ODD and ADD, that the problems come in. A degree in education =/= a medical or psychiatric degree. Pointing out issues is one thing, but mentioning specific disorders and pushing parents to medicate their kids is not ok.

I’ve spent almost 4 years learning about the legalities of the education system, and about the Big Pharma influences- which are both more and less pervasive than you might think- Big Pharma has a lot of weight, but it depends on the doc. Some are very medication-happy while others are far less so.

The 4th grade teacher, not the one who said “ODD”, told me all I had to go was to go to our pediatrician “and she’ll just write you a prescription”.

How about no? How about I go to a PSYCHIATRIST, who has actual training in this stuff, and have him TESTED first? THEN we’ll talk about prescriptions… Yet I’ve talked to other parents who did just that- went to their ped and got handed a prescript. THAT scares and sickens me, especially considering the potential side effects…

But that’s a whole other conversation. Bottom line, every kid is different. Some need meds, some don’t. It’s up to the parents to have them tested, to champion their kids, and to make these tough decisions. We all just do the best we can.

Layla 2 years ago

Maybe its a us/uk thing but that comment in parentheses was totally tongue in cheek. I generally try not to judge any person. If anything, I am a little wistful for the days when I only had one. Each to his own.

Daniel 2 years ago

Amen to that. Thoughtful comment. Let’s have a little more respect, all around.

Julia 2 years ago

Too funny!

Melinda 2 years ago

Haha This is me everyday with only with just one. I am late everywhere and forget half the things I need. UGH!!! I will not be having another one til this little guy is in school!!! Mommies, come and judge me!!! haha I just stare in awe at all you mothers of more than one kid under the age 5. I swear you girls have some sort of secret magic to manage the kiddos!! LET ME HAVE SOME, TOOO!!!!!! haha

Jessica 2 years ago

Thank-you! People are so easily offended these days….

Jessica 2 years ago

HAHAHA!!!

Heidi 2 years ago

Love this!

Shame on those of you arguing about ridiculous crap. Doesn’t matter if you have one kid or twenty. A parent is a parent. Period. Sadly parenthood makes some people know it alls, one uppers and “my life is harder/better than yours because a, b and c.” What to the ever. Love my boys and am so grateful to be their mom…now if I only I could get out the darn door is less than an hour and be on time for anything ever.

Kayla 2 years ago

I love this… I have 4 and went threw the tantrum stage many times! My worst… i was 8 1/2 months pregnant with my 3rd child I had a cart packed full of food around my sleeping 1 year old and my 2 year old decides to throw a fit over not being able to run the cart into the Isle so the food falls everywhere which he thought was hillariouse. So I was stuck in the middle of the store for 1 1/2 hours till he finally fell asleep. I couldn’t leave because my cart was full of groceries and a sleeping kid, i couldnt put my 2 year old down or he would start screaming bloody mary and I couldn’t physically carry both my kids to the car because I was so pregnant… it was so embarrassing but what can u do! I can still remember all the dirty looks it’s funny how judgemental people can be!

Joy 2 years ago

I certainly don’t see any comparisons in her article between parents who have only one child versus multiple children. Truth is, that right now if I would possess five children with the temperaments of my second and third children–I would find parenthood far more simpler than life is with only my oldest son–who has Aspergers. The point of the article is simply that the author has had to “eat her words” when it came to parenting, period–number of children aside.

I’ve had to eat my own words too. I used to think, as the oldest of seven (mostly strong-willed) children–that I had “seen it all.” I would be able to raise my own children much better than my mother did, because now I could learn from her mistakes. I had it all figured out!

Guess what? I still think I’m correct when it comes to a lot of my theories about “what needs to be done” when it comes to parenting. The only problem is that before I had children of my own, I wasn’t factoring in reality. In other words, theories are great–but how am I going to pull off all of my good intentions when I’m sick, sleep deprived, physically and mentally run-down, and financially depleted? What then?

And you know what? All of these things can happen to you, whether you are the parent of one child, three–or ten. It really doesn’t matter. When the rubber hits the road our good intentions so often “go down the drain,” because we’re just trying to survive–to “pull it all off.” If you HAVEN’T yet experienced motherhood in a state where you are sick, sleep deprived, physically and mentally run-down and/or financially depleted–then count yourself as being very blessed. And don’t allow yourself to be affected by the judgments of others. But just remember, in return–not to judge those who are.

And remember too–that not all children are the same. Some children really are more challenging than others. And sometimes parent/child conflicts can be personality related, so it’s definitely not fair to “make comparisons.” The way that some children act poorly in public really may not be a indicator that their mothers are worse at parenting than those who have model children.

And if someone has time and money on the side to enjoy life a little, and to have hobbies–it may or may not be due to the number of children a person possesses. It might just have to do with whether or not that person has a job that pays extra well–or whether that person was able to find a job at all. I have three young children at home, and my husband has brought in similar income for every year of our first seven years of marriage. Our ability to afford hobbies and vacations was no different on day one of marriage (pre-children) than it now is, after seven years–and three children later. So definitely, not having children is no guarantee of ease and prosperity.

All of that being said, I wish everyone the best of success with raising your children. And believe me when I say that I no longer distainfully watch other poor mothers struggle with their children in the grocery isle. I’ve definitely had to eat “humble pie” on that one!

Adriane 2 years ago

Best comment of the post!!! LOL I’m dying here

Marisa 2 years ago

I could have written this WORD FOR WORD.

heartsleeve 2 years ago

Yikes.

heartsleeve 2 years ago

My kid will literally eat dirt from our garden before she eats anything that grows in it.

Dee 2 years ago

My goodness people need to just stop judging everyone! I’m a single parent of one awesome little man, but I would never think my self better then anyone else on a situation I know nothing about. Chill out folks this was one persons take on what it was like before and after kids. Sure raising more then one child takes more out of you then raising one, but it seems to me that all these parents of multiple children have forgotten that it still takes time and patience to raise just one child since that one child is also the first. Even one child likes to move like molasses when its crunch time, one child still has a hard time listening and doing what they are told, and one child can kick up one heck of a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store (trust me I know lol), So lets all just get along and agree that raising kids (one or more) is a tough job!

Bhig Bhad Wolf 2 years ago

I have a pretty perfectly behaved child. The secret is to not have unreasonable… or down right STUPID expectations, don’t assault your kid as a form of “punishment” and don’t treat your child like it’s supposed to be a carbon-copy of you, or your stupid expectations. Treat them like people, not a little creature you own and control 24/7. I also have ONE, meaning I have all the time in the world for him, and I also have time for myself. If I was going to have another it would be now, while he is a teen, and more self-reliant…. but I’ve decided my peace, quiet, money, and mental well-being mean more than reproduction.

Emma Tustian 2 years ago

Oh god, loved this. It’s so so true. I thought I’d be really strict and what I would say goes, turns out I’m fairly relaxed and ‘child led’ because to be honest as long as it’s not dangerous, hurting anyone, or criminal, how many problems is it really going to cause with a 3 year old making a choice himself from the options I provide. Turns out my OH’s the strict one – or just with even less patience than I thought I would have!

Chanel 2 years ago

Oh goodness. To those parents that only have one child getting offended. Calm down. People are making comments on the majority not the minority. The majority can do more with one kid then I can with three kids. That’s common sense. If you have a special needs child then that’s a whole different ball game. Something totally different. I have 3 teenage daughters and a son in Heaven. When my son was born he was an only child and a great one at that. Well behaved..ok so I thought because he was my first. What we think is well behaved with one is actually not really well behaved. lol. He died and is now in Heaven. A few years later I had my daughter. Going back to the past I remembered that my son was not well behaved and neither is most children. It’s just easier to handle one child misbehaving then two. I had 2 two daughters born in the same year. So yes having more then one child is a lot harder then having just the one. I experienced both. On my third daughter I was exhausted. I did all these things that are bad… cake for breakfast, yelling at them, hiding from them. Everything. That does not make for a bad parent. I now have a 15yo, 19yo and 20yo. No drugs, no alcohol, no partying, no sluttiness, no pregnancy, no disrespect and they help those that need it. Even kids that are being bullied. My children will stand up for them. I am a proud mom who kept the line of communication open at ALL times, I am a proud mom who screwed up a lot of the times. Enjoy your children…..sometimes we have so little time.

Susan A Davis 2 years ago

I agree on most of these , but the my kid will not throw a tantrum in public .. I had five and they did not throw a tantrum in public. They were taught from day 1 there would be conciquences if they did . And they were taught to respect us as parents. As for the other stuff i can agree to most. Every one thought i had the best kids in the town .. But when we got home tey would loosen up.

cfg 2 years ago

I don’t understand the judgeyness towards mothers of one. Just because you had well-behaved, healthy children doesn’t mean that other people do. Also, different people have different tolerance levels, finances, etc. etc. Parenting their one kid might be harder than your three.

Tami Terry Martin 2 years ago

I just laughed and laughed! I was that person, before I had kids, who thought much of these. Now that the youngest is 20, I have time to take a breath. I can’t believe I survived!

Jenn 2 years ago

Please be careful with posts like this. I get it all the time at school. I have an only child and your know “he behaves like an only child.” I have a good kid, not a perfect kid. But what gets me is not everyone has “one” child by choice. Sometimes that “one” child is a blessing that someone wished and waited for and when she got it was told there would be no more. Don’t judge. I don’t judge you and think you are crazy for your 3 (its tough raising a child to an adult) so don’t judge me not knowing my battles.

Scott Thompson 2 years ago

And I judge people with only 3. Cry me a river. I have six. OR how about we realize that all parents are now actually dealing with the reality of raising an actual child rather than offering their theories on what it would be like. Judging indeed…

Marnie 2 years ago

Surprisingly, I admit that I’m doing fairly well with this list.
#1 – It has not happened at that magnitude. However, anytime my kid starts to get fussy we leave. We don’t play that.
#2 – My kid is a picky eater but she doesn’t eat fast food. She does like french fries when we go out to eat, but it’s not bad. Just testing out food, trying to expand her pallet. But I find it’s mostly us, if we eat good, she wants to try our food, so it starts with the parent first.
#3 – Never, my hair is always combed and so is my kids.
#4 – Definitely has happened and that’s okay, as long as we clean up.
#5 – Have to pay myself on the back, I’m still not late.
#6 – I don’t.
#7 – This was a stupid rule, never followed up. Parents need a break sometimes.
#8 – What kind of rule is this? LOL!
#9 – Definitely has not happened. My kid has been to Hawaii twice. Last year, my husband and I went to our neices wedding in the Bahamas while our little one stayed with my sister. We’re off for some adult time to Mexico in a couple of months, and I’m off to Europe for a mother/daughter trip with my mom in September. We were big travelers, so some of it has slowed down but we still go. We just applied for Global Entry. :)
#10 – At a certain age, yes. My kid is learning the fed up mommy voice and stare. She’s catching on.

Hania Whitfield 2 years ago

FABULOUS POST! Thanks for the memories!

ALR 2 years ago

I’m afraid I’m heading in your direction with a defiant 5 year old. I read “Have a New Kid by Friday” by Kevin Leman and it helped change my attitude a little bit. No, she wasn’t transformed in a week and I need to reread the book (again), but it gave me hope. The book is full of fun little mind games to play on kids like say it once, then walk away…b doesn’t come before a, etc. I see this tantrum in my future and I’m trying to find anything and everything I can to avoid it. Good luck and I hope you had a good neck massage and tall glass of wine at the end of your day.

faifai 2 years ago

Wow! Sounds like you’ve been through a lot, but you’ve handled it with grace. I don’t know you, but I’m proud of you for being so strong. Keep up the good work, and remember: those days when you think everything’s so veryvery bad that it has never been so bad before and you don’t know if you’re going to make it, remember that your track record for getting through bad days is 100% so far, and that’s pretty good.

Naomi 2 years ago

I don’t have any kids yet, but I’m an aunt to 37 nieces & nephews and I find this to be an eye opening and hilarious admission on the part of the author. I’ve said all these things and more…I see what I’m in for :) well written!!

Kelly’s Reality 2 years ago

Ha being a nanny I can totally relate to these and I’ll be the same way when I have my own. Love your writing style!

http://www.kellysreality.com

Mary 2 years ago

Oh dude… Trust and believe you do NOT want to go there.

Yes. We had him tested. They came back with NO learning/emotional problems. And the SCHOOL did the testing. The principal continued to insist he be treated for “ADHD”, in spite of the tests, a counselor AND a psychiatrist all coming together to say he did NOT have it.

Actually, since you sound like a teacher, I’ll mention that it is ILLEGAL for teachers to say things like that. They can mention specific concerns, absolutely, and recommend testing, but to offer a diagnosis is stepping way outside their boundaries- they do not have medical training and have no business “diagnosing” kids. Unfortunately, it’s a very common thing because teachers, because they are around these kids, start to think they know what disorders look like, when in fact, many disorders are way over-treated without proper diagnostic testing being carried out. When 70% of elementary-aged boys are on some kind of behavior altering medication, that points to a problem in the system, not in the kids.

Long story short, my son had some behavioral issues related to anxiety, which was exacerbated by the bs from the principal. When he was expelled, we were advised by both his psychiatrist and an educational advocate to sue the school. We declined on the basis that putting him back into a shitty situation would not improve his outcome, and homeschooled for 3 years.

He’s back in public school now, and struggling but succeeding. It hasn’t been an easy road, but we’re getting there.

School personnel can be a great resource and team when they work WITH parents and counselors. Or they can be a complete disaster when they start getting arrogant and figuring they know more about our kids than we do, nevermind that the parents are the ones who’ve been raising them and having them one-on-one for years, while the teacher sees them in a group of 30 kids, for one school year at a time.

We were unfortunate to run into the disastrous sort in elementary school, but so far at the middle school level, with a whole new set of teachers and a new-to-this-district principal, the cooperation, communication and teamwork are much better. It’d be easy for me to be bitter and lump all teachers together into the “these people suck” pile, but it’s not the case. They’re just people, and everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

It just sucks that my son has had to suffer as much as he has because he ran into some who don’t understand the meaning of professionalism.

Molly 2 years ago

So did you get him tested? Teachers actually know what they’re talking about.

Sara610 2 years ago

Me too. I think it’s different when you have to take them home with you at the end of the day. :)

Heather 2 years ago

Guilty. Kinder Egg bribe to get us out the door in time for my eldest to get to school.

Bev 2 years ago

This list and all of your comments has just made me like all is well with my world and I and family are all Normal! :)
Thank You

Twilla 2 years ago

this post was amazing! I have kids — a 3 yr old boy and a 2 yr old girl… and I honestly believe that both of them are in their “Terrible…” stages… and all of the things stated in this article are absolutely true!!!

DJ 2 years ago

Me too! I couldn’t agree more! My 2nd continues reminding me of how much I don’t know every day…..

Stacy 2 years ago

I couldn’t have read this at a better time; I just finished dealing with the “tantrum to end all tantrums” from my 7 yr old (my kids will NOT have tantrums) that lasted 1.5 hours. During the tantrum my son 1. Had to be dragged to his room ( my kids will listen to me) 2. Screamed obscenities at me ( no way my kids will talk back) 3. Tried to throw a plastic golf club at me (wtf?). I bribed the little sister with candy to just go away (couldn’t deal with both of them), played tug-of-war with the bedroom door, and said a bunch of stuff like “wait til your dad gets home!” And “youre loosing ALL your toys for a YEAR!” Needed a good laugh; thank you so much!!!!

Ashley 2 years ago

OMG this is SOOOO me! Especially the part about time moving backward! I swear my 4 year old moves thinks talks at a mile a second….. until i utter those 2 awful words…. “hurry up” and its all down hill from there… he suddenly “forgets” how to put on shoes… his coat is on up-side-down…. and he has one speed walking to the car…. slow. lol. I’m glad i am not the only person whose house… appearance…. and general demeanor are that of a person that just barely survived a hurricane. lol. And i’m not going to lie… i get a little judgy and upety towards mothers of only one child as well… I remember being them…. with my one year old… and my “i got this” thinking… I thought i was the parenting queen…. he was so well behaved…. then along came my second son… and then my THIRD son… and i have come to accept that i am outnumbered and sometimes… sadly… outsmarted. lol Mothers of one are the ones on pinterest making their homemade playdough and redecorating their house and kudos to you! nothing wrong with that… but im more like… i managed to brush half of my teeth.,.. and all three of my kids left the house with matching shoes… id call that a successful day! LOL

Randi Skaggs 2 years ago

I was a teacher before I had kids, so I figured with all my *experience*, of course I’d have it all figured out. Boy, life had some fun teaching me my lesson.

kristi 2 years ago

Love this and the entire time you say things your mom said to you that you swore you would NEVER say!

rose 2 years ago

(((hugs)))

rose 2 years ago

lol!

Layla Oates 2 years ago

:-) I was running a toddler group with kids 2&3 in tow and doing the school run every morning with my eldest, and this woman helper with 1 toddler told me she couldn’t commit to being there at 10am. Grit. Teeth. Just. Say. Alright.

Layla Oates 2 years ago

Exactly, we got ours an astronaut suit so now everyone is satisfied

Lynne Childress 2 years ago

THIS.

Kristen Hanssen Goodell 2 years ago

How about “My kids will just learn to sleep wherever. I’ll bring them places, and they’ll just have to be flexible”……HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Or maybe sleep will be such a disaster that I’ll have a 10-year old still crawling into bed next to me.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons 2 years ago

Love this!! So true. I remember walking around the mall before I had kids and thinking the people who are carrying the baby and using the stroller for all their packages were just dumb. Now, I’m done that so many time I couldn’t even count them. Becoming a parent is humbling for sure!

Sarah 2 years ago

We bribed them once using mini-candy bars to get in the car so they could go to daycare. Now it’s a requirement. And I just realized that I sound like a pedophile. I bribe children to get in my car using candy. Great.

Mama Needs A Coffee! 2 years ago

Popsicle for breakfast? Are you going to stop yelling at me? Here ya go, kid! Just.stop.crying!

The best thing that ever happened ever was Greek yogurt popsicles. I feel like I win the whole week when I can say “Cheetos for breakfast again? Maybe something different today. How about a pink popsicle?”

MommyColeman 2 years ago

Oh my gosh these are all me! I also thought my kid will never be into all the commercial toys like Dora, Sophia the First, Mickey Mouse. There’s no way I’m going to be buying her all that kind of stuff. There’s a Dora sticker on her wall (surrounded by Dora toys and furniture) and every day that b*tch gets the stare down… you HAD to get in her head Dora…

Jen 2 years ago

hahaha, I totally judge parents of 1 now!! Like when two parents are all over their ONE child at a birthday party, and I am ONE parent juggling two little ones.

Autumn 2 years ago

This made me laugh out loud, partly because it’s funny, and partly because it’s all true. Every last word. Especially the part about negative time. I didn’t know it was physically possible to move as slowly as my daughter moves when it’s below freezing and I’ve got my arms full of 30 pounds worth of work and day care stuff, just trying to make it into our house so I can start dinner. She’s goes so slowly it’s like she is walking backwards. Aghh!

Melancholy 2 years ago

Yes. <3 <3 ! I also swore I'd always be the volunteer mom. But the truth is, I can barely stand the two of them together at one time some days, and you want to stick me in a room with 20 of them? 19 of which aren't intimidated by the evil whisper that hisses "This is the very last time I'm going to say this, STOP it right now!"

Aimee 2 years ago

I swore I’d never let kids eat in the car. I was pretty judgey about people with kids and their messy cars. Now 2 kids later, I have a messy car, and my kids eat in the car.

Gretchen 2 years ago

Thank you, thank you:) My ds3 kept asking me what was funny! I love playing hide and seek, especially when my 4 sons don’t know we’re playing. I have found my youngest in the dryer though, so that spot is out. My OCD tendencies keep my house neat, but I have often looked in the rear view mirror and been appalled that NOONE said anything about the crazy hair, my own boogers, etc!!

Tracey 2 years ago

I’m glad I’m not alone, this sounds like my house with the minefield of toys, laundry, and snack food crumbs. I’m working on living with the chaos and not stressing over the disaster zone caused by our mini-me’s.

MommiFried 2 years ago

Love this!!!

Gingersnap 2 years ago

Mmm! This crow tastes delicious. LOL Much of the above, and then some more.

jen 2 years ago

I have given the kids cupcakes for breakfast. They are kinda like donuts and those are ok, so its fine lol

Sarah 2 years ago

My list would include giving your kids candy for breakfast. Yes. I do that, regularly.

Mary 2 years ago

Omg yes!! LOL I hated Barbie too…
So of course my mil insisted upon buying them for my then-2-year-old. Many of them.

We’ve reached a sort of truce, Barbie and me. We’ll never be friends, but it’s pretty tough to hate on a gal when the mental image of a happy, sleepy 2yo, clinging tight to her favorite doll as she falls asleep, is embedded so deep in my mommy-brain.

Mary 2 years ago

AMEN Sister!! lol I loved this. And yes, I was one of those who “knew how to raise kids” before I had my own. Seven years of daycare, baby, I had this kid-handling thing DOWN.

And then I had my own.
And she’s a strong-willed child. And a second, also a swc. To the point that a teacher actually recommended having him tested for ODD. Oppositional Defiance Disorder.

A teacher. Said my kid. Had a freaking DISORDER.

I think that my kids are God’s little joke on me, for being so uppity about all I thought I knew about parenting.
Luckily, I can laugh about it. It’s the only thing keeping me sane.

Layla Oates 2 years ago

I love this. I was so judgey before I had three children (now I just judge parents with one child) and so militant about stuff. This year I actually allowed Barbie in our house. And you know what? It’s OK.
Thanks for this post. X

Stephanie Bernaba 2 years ago

Oh, traveling. *sniff* I have a tab open *right now* for the Cars Suite at the Art of Animation hotel. Waaaaaahhhh!!!

Lisa 2 years ago

“There’s nothing more humbling than becoming a parent. There’s no experience in life that challenges your character, patience and endurance like raising children.” Aint that the truth! The REAL you will shine bright after having kids, not who you thought you were or wanted to be.