$1,700 Diaper Bags And $1,500 Tin Cans Exist, And I Do Not Accept This

There are many things I don’t understand about my fellow humans, and I’m generally okay with that. Everyone has the right to live their lives as they see fit, and 99% of the time I take a “you do you” approach to other people’s choices.

However.

Please look at these sock boots.

Now, it’s not the fact that these fashion horrors exist that irks me. I could see them being sold for $40 in a novelty shop or something, and while I wouldn’t buy them myself, I wouldn’t shake someone silly for doing so.

No, it’s the fact that some snooty designer culture deems it acceptable to put a $1,390 price tag on socks with a cigarette lighter glued to the heel. (And they didn’t even put the igniter part down so you could make sparks when you walk. I mean, they could at least pretend to care about real creativity.)

Who the hell spends $1,390 on socks with a missed-opportunity cigarette lighter glued to it? I really want to know. Who does this? On what planet do ugly ass, impractical, not-possibly-comfortable shoe socks cost $1,000+, and people willingly buy them?

It must be the same planet where people would buy a tin can with a Tiffany blue stripe down the side for $1,000.

Not even joking.

You can upgrade to a slightly larger coffee can for $1,500.

Both cans are a part of the Tiffany “Everyday Objects” collection.

Let’s just pause here for a second to breathe, shall we? (Or am I the only one starting to feeling a bit ragey?)

Can’t you just picture the conversation between Charles Penderwickersham IV and his wife at Tiffany’s?

“Look, Patricia! We simply must buy this $1,500 coffee can. We can use it as a vase for wildflowers, just like the commoners do!”

“How delightfully quaint, Charles! And we don’t even have to go through the hassle of removing a label. The convenience is simply brilliant!”

I want Charles and Patricia’s phone number. I simply must talk to the people responsible for such shenanigans. I need to get inside their heads and see what on earth they are thinking.

And yes, it’s the consumers that are to blame. Designers and manufacturers wouldn’t make this crap if people didn’t buy it. There is a market for a $4,980 jacket with sleeves that don’t allow you do drink or eat or do anything whatsoever, and I want to know who it is.

I know, I know. “If people can afford it, who are you to say how people should spend their money?” It’s true, everyone has different tastes. And it’s also true that there is no exact line for when an item crosses over from pricey to insulting. I fully concede that there’s a wide range of “that’s more than what I’d pay for that item, but to each their own.”

But a $1,500 barely glorified tin can and a $5,000 coat with sleeves that prevent you from living your life are so far beyond the range of “to each their own” that I can’t even see it from here.

I understand spending a little extra to get something you really want or that you believe will last. Quality doesn’t come cheap, and often you do get what you pay for. But there’s a limit to paying for quality. At some point you cross over from paying for quality to paying for status.

For example:

A diaper bag is a bag for carrying diapers. Maybe some bottles and burp cloths and a change of clothes, too, but definitely diapers. Diapers that catch poop.

A diaper bag is a mere one step away from human feces. And you have to know you’re going to put a soiled diaper in a plastic bag inside that diaper bag at least once. You just are. It’s inevitable.

And yet, there is someone who will buy this Gucci diaper bag. For $1,690.

It’s made of canvas. Apparently it’s some kind of super special Gucci environmentally-friendly canvas, but it’s not canvas made out of gold. It’s lined with nylon. I don’t understand.

I really, really, really don’t understand.

Meanwhile, you can buy this cute, classy environmentally-friendly diaper bag on Amazon that has a five-star rating for $25:

Is that Gucci bag better quality than the cheaper one? Undoubtedly. Is it twice or even three times the quality? Perhaps. Is it 66 times better quality? Hell no. Is it 66 times better looking? Nope.

Unless it can change a kid’s diaper for you, there’s no way any diaper bag is worth $1,690.

I mean, yeah, it’s got the “Italian craftsmanship.” Whoop-dee-doo. Folks in Italy may make some nice things, but they are not freaking miracle workers. There’s no way they are that much more talented at gluing and sewing together a nylon-lined canvas bag than anyone else. This must be some hubris leftover from when Rome ruled the world ages ago. That’s all I can figure.

What you’re paying for is the brand name. That’s the case with the effing Tiffany tin cans as well as the Vehement sock boots.

And would you look at this, please? Just look at it.

That is not a “sheer overlay dress.” That is a dry cleaning bag. And it costs $895.

Oh, sorry, it is a sheer overlay dress. And it’s also a dry cleaning bag. And it costs $895.

I can’t decide if someone put way too many resources into this or not nearly enough. But it’s one or the other, and both options are unacceptable to me.

In all seriousness, on a planet where millions don’t even have the bare minimum, how are people okay with the absurdity of the prices of high fashion and “luxury” items? In a world where hundreds of millions of people are undernourished, how can you possibly justify to yourself spending that kind of money on something so utterly ridiculous?

Yeah, I’m going there.

If you spend $1,500 on a coffee can, you need to seriously reconsider your relationship with money and with your fellow human beings. No apologies.

Paying obscene amounts of money for things, just to show people that you have obscene amounts of money, is gross. Nobody cares that you have a $250 crazy straw from Tiffany, except people who have really skewed priorities. That kind of materialism is exactly what is wrong with the world.

You have a boatload of money? Good for you. Use it to see the world and expand your horizons and learn something new. Use it to send some kids to school or build a well for a village with no water. Use it to build a hospital or sponsor volunteers or help someone start a business. Use it to make the world a better place in some way.

But for the love of all that is good and holy, stop throwing it away on useless crap that costs dozens or hundreds of times more than it should—stuff that you know you would never spend a dime on if it didn’t have a fancy brand named slapped on it—just because you can.

And yes, the $250 crazy straw is a real thing. Heaven help us all.