On any given day you can find me scrambling to meet the ridiculously high standards of my toddler, who works me like a show pony. He wants me to make him breakfast, swaddle his stuffed animal, pick him up, and serve him juice, all at the same time. But before I can even process his whiney demands, he spews out another five. So you know what I do? Miraculously execute them all. Such competence was developed on the job and at this point, my juggling skills could put world renowned circus acts to shame. And they should…but no one knows they exist.
This lack of disclosure is practically a crime against parents everywhere. Mastery should be celebrated! Or in the very least, briefly accounted for on one’s resume along with all their other qualifications…
• Search and Rescue Operations: 99% success rate in recovering lost items, with focus on small toy cars.
• Anger Management Specialist with the ability to derail meltdowns through distraction, negotiation, and various counseling techniques.
• Certified M.O.M. (Master of Multitasking): Innate talent for identifying workload priorities to maximize overall productivity (and peace).
• Professional demeanor with the ability to maintain position of authority in the face of a hilarious and unapologetic colleague.
• Conflict Resolution Whizz: Vast experience in shutting shit down facilitating diplomatic conclusions to often nonsensical conflicts.
• Effective communicator; with emphasis on deciphering incoherent speech and body language translation.
• Enthusiastic Team Player: Possess round-the-clock fervor, even during mundane and repetitive tasks such as reading the same book and/or sitting through the same movie 12 times back to back.
• Possess high tolerance for unruly and often unforeseeable drama without taking misappropriated actions personal.
Though there’s a multitude of additional talents that have not been included in the aforementioned skills, I should note that I’ve intentionally left out a big one: the ability to withstand exposure to bodily fluids and excrements. I mean, a show pony can only put up with so much shit.
Related post: Three Year Olds Are The Same as Asshole Bosses
This article was originally published on