The world is a wild and wonderful place, isn’t it? We can now buy entire bags of pink Starbursts. No more wasting calories and tastebuds on those nasty yellow ones. There are mermaid mommy-and-me swim classes, yoga with goats, and unicorn everything. What a fucking time to be alive, amirite?!
I’m generally one of those live-and-let-live people, who minds my own business and tries to avoid drama. But sweet baby Jesus in a Bugaboo, there is some maddening shit going on out there. I don’t know about you, but I lately I find myself swearing a hell of lot more often these days because sometimes there are just no other words. Seriously, what the actual fuck is going on?
Here are a few of the things that have me SMDH, saying WTF, screaming FTS, and using a lot of other sweary acronyms these days.
1. Fashion that’s just plain ridiculous.
I’ll admit I’ve never been on the cutting-edge of fashion trends, and I don’t understand anything the haute couture designers showcase on the runway, but lately I’ve been scratching my head more than usual.
And leading the charge in this display of wardrobe nonsense? Nordstrom. What used to be my go-to for a pair of killer shoes or a knockout dress now has me SMDH on the regular. Seriously, what the hell is going on at Nordstrom? First, there were the clear-knee jeans (which is basically a steam bath for your legs), then the $1,200 sock sandals (um…what?!), and now the $425 jeans with fake mud painted on them. Because nothing screams douchebag like a pair of $425 jeans with faux mud. As if this weren’t enough to make us totally disappointed in our favorite department store, there was also that time recently when a Nordstrom employee shamed a mom for breastfeeding in the bathroom. Come on, Nordstrom. You’re better than this!
I love a good home reno show as much as the next person. I mean, who doesn’t love to watch shit get destroyed so that it can be rebuilt bigger and better — with shiplap, of course. But lately, I can’t help but wonder, WTF is happening on HGTV? If it’s not a family of seven looking for a tiny house on wheels, it’s a couple who sells homemade granola and teaches meditation to dogs on the hunt for a house on the beach for $985,000. Even Joanna Gaines, who made her career on shabby chic and upcycling, is hocking $90 throw pillows and rugs that cost a couple thousand dollars. Go home, HGTV. You’re drunk.
3. Bullshit of All Kinds
Hogwash, asshattery, and dumbfuckery abound these days. I generally try to maintain an optimistic attitude about the state of humanity, but holy hell, is that getting hard. I can’t turn on the news without turning into a puddle of tears. Internet comment sections are a cesspool of filth, and social media is filled with #humblebrags, fake news, and MLM groups trying to help me lose weight. In other words, it has become very hard to stay in my Bubble of Bliss and avoid the “people suck” mentality. #hastheworldgonefuckingmad
4. People Who Still Say “All Lives Matter.”
No. Just no. If you’re not sure why this is so wrong, you can read this or this or this. Because until black men, women, and children no longer fear for their lives every time they leave the house — let alone encounter the police, who are supposed to protect us — it’s painfully obvious that some lives matter more than others. That is just plain fucked up, and we need to do better.
5. Racism, Xenophobia, Sexism, and All the –isms.
This is 2017. Let me put it clearly: HELL NO. Don’t even try to defend this BS in the comments, just stop. Right now. Stop.
6. Weird Kid Trends
Bottle flipping. Homemade slime. Fidget spinners. What the what?! I don’t understand any of this, and while it is harmless compared to the more pressing matters at hand, my frazzled nerves can’t take another bottle flip. Or scrape any more homemade goop from household surfaces. (Admittedly, fidget spinners are oddly addictive and Zen-inducing.)
7. Commenters Who Didn’t Read the Article
Look, Sally, if you’re going to start with “I didn’t read the article, but…” because getting on your soapbox with your Judgy McJudgerson opinion, I’m going to respond back with a “I’m sorry, I didn’t read your comment but you’re a dick.” End of story. Chant with me now: “Read then comment. Read then comment. Read then comment.”
8. No. 45
Enough said. Go ahead and let out all the cuss words for this one.
9. Lying Liars Who Lie
My mom used to tell me that I was “honest as the ace of spades” and while I’m still not entirely sure what that means, I will say that I have a pretty low tolerance for liars, folks who stretch the truth, and other fibbers, fraudsters and fakes. (See also hypocrites.) I can sniff out inauthenticity from a mile away, and that’s a stench I don’t want any part of.
10. Pearl Clutchers
I am confounded AF with people who can survive the shitshow that is parenting and the world these days without a string of expletives and eff bombs. Seriously confounded. But that doesn’t mean I go around mocking your proficient use of fudge-nugget and fiddlesticks. You do you. But for the love of all the fuck’s in the fuck basket, please do not tell me to “talk like a lady” or “watch my language.” I’m a motherfucking adult, thankyouverymuch.
Besides how would any of us survive the aforementioned frustrations, without a solid few WHAT THE FUCKs and a solid FUCK THIS SHIT now and then? It is an essential component of stress management at this point.