A Letter To My Pregnant, Child-Less Self…

pregnant

Dear Judgey McKnows-It-All,

Right now, your due date is approaching, and you’re hyper focusing on a lot of insignificant stuff. I wish you knew that none of what you are worrying about matters. What you need to do is go to bed now and sleep until the baby comes. It could be your last chance to sleep for a few uninterrupted hours for the rest of your life.

What’s that you say? You’re not sleeping well because the pregnancy is making you so uncomfortable? Think again my friend. Soon you will be lying awake at 3AM in a pool of baby vomit, but you won’t want to move a muscle for fear of waking your precious little bundle of “sleeps when held.”

While we are on the topic of useless shit (pun intended) that you are obsessing over, it seems as though you are sitting around wondering if you’ll poop on the table during delivery. Guess what? When the time actually comes, you won’t care if fecal matter ends up on the ceiling as long as they get that baby the hell out of you faster than a teenage boy gets off on the latest Victoria’s Secret catalog.

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Oh, and that book you’re reading on natural birth? Quit wasting your time with it and pick up a copy of What the Fuck Do I Do with this Baby? because once you’re actually in labor, you’ll tap out at three centimeters and beg for curbside epidural service as you pull into the hospital. Besides, the delivery is only one day, and the baby will be here for a l-i-f-e-t-i-m-e. Your time would be better spent learning something about child rearing rather than practicing breathing techniques that will do nothing for the pain, although, they might come in handy for your first bowel movement post childbirth.

On another note, you seem to have a lot of opinions on parenting right now, but you will quickly realize that you have no idea what you’re doing which reminds me that I should warn you about the bitch that Karma is. For all of the judgments you make now about other people’s parenting techniques, you will be sentenced to a lifetime of mom guilt laden thoughts. So, keep judging your friend who leaves her kids at daycare an extra hour so she can shop or cook by herself. In just a few short months, you will find yourself wishing daycare was open on weekends too. And the woman you saw at the grocery store in the frozen foods aisle whose nipples were pointing in different directions? Nice job criticizing her to your husband. Karma is about to replace your tits with two National Geographic style tube socks each holding a teeny, tiny ping-pong ball.

So, have that extra slice of cheesecake now while you’re still delusional. You think you are all belly, but it’s going straight to your ass. And, by the way, you won’t be one of those lucky women who loses weight from breastfeeding. You will be the mom whose kid shows up everyday for preschool without his folder, mismatching clothes, and maybe even a little bit of food still on his face while you’re wearing a moo moo not fit for your grandmother. Memories of a daily shower will seem as magical as monkeys flying out of your ass and serving you mojitos on the white sands of Maui. Soon, going to the dentist will be the most relaxing thing you have time for. You will see.

After the baby is born, between caring for him, your new found realization of what a dipshit your husband can be, and your post partum hormones, you will be so overwhelmed that you’ll start popping birth control like skittles just to make sure you don’t have a second child. Then, one night over a box of Franzia’s finest, you’ll find yourself just loopy enough to do it again.

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There is only one thing that will get you through the stretch marks, the puke stains, and the depression over your saggy post birth vagina – the love that, right now, you are unaware even exists.

So hold onto your mom jeans and try not to wet your pants while you still have some level of bladder control – this ride is just beginning. Stop being a judgmental bitch and start supporting other moms. You’re going to need them once you realize that you don’t have a fucking clue what you’re doing…

Love, Me

Related post: Birth Plan Gone Bad

About the writer

Kelly is a mom, wife, writer, smart-ass, recovering perfectionist, and blogger extraordinaire at In The Mom Light. She likes long walks at night with her crying baby, a tall bottle of Chardonnay with naptime, and peeing by herself on occasion. You can also find her on Facebook.

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Debra Lee 6 days ago

any woman that has brought a baby into this world can relate…very funny

jodi 5 months ago

Thank you!

jodi 5 months ago

Have not enjoyed reading something so much in a long time. I often think about how awesome it was being that way and I do want to go back and talk to that girl. Honestly laughed out loud…it felt good. Thank you!

Siobhan Scott 6 months ago

I was literally saying to Danny that I wanted the baby out so that I wouldn’t have to deal with heartburn any more! I’m taking it back and going home for a nap!

Shawna 6 months ago

Haha this is hilarious. I am not pregnant but, I recently wrote a letter to my future maybe baby. He/she will be brought up in a very different way. I love that you mentioned shitting during labor ha. That is my biggest fear…shitting on the baby as it pops out. Can you imagine the therapy it would need if it somehow remember that? I plan on hibernating for 9 months and told my husband he can go to Thailand during that time because I will probably be homicidal. I’m a little sad to learn the weight gained is not going to be all baby…I was totally excited to make Cheez-It, bacon, chocolate sandwiches.

Marlies van Bloois 6 months ago

Lmao

Katie De Oliveira Anderson 6 months ago

Soooo true!!! I read this when I was prego and laughed so much lol! Now I send to all m prego friends haha, very much true! Thank god I slept my whole pregnancy!

Tj Hulsey 6 months ago

Ugh, not me! I would rather be woken up every three hours by a hungry newborn and be comfortable for those three hours of sleep.

Stacey Schell 6 months ago

Yeah this post is two-sided for me. Funny? Yes. Bitter much? Um. Definitely.

Lida Sophia Townsley 6 months ago

“Soon, going to the dentist will be the most relaxing thing you have time for.” Yeah, or not. I love going to the dentist. Going with a nearly-four-month old who decides she will only not scream if nursed the whole time, not so nice. And I would have preferred to be able to push the baby out, rather than go through multiple inductions, contractions, and then a necessary if emergency c-section. I find this post extra negative. Not my thing!

Katherine Litos Caramos 6 months ago

You have the WHOLE family excited

Lauren Schenk 6 months ago

I’ve found a lot humor with some of the posts here on Scary Mommy, but this one is just horribly disappointing and unappealing. Why have kids then? I hope these issues the author has don’t get transferred on to her poor child. Sorry Scary Mommy, I’m out.

Kahlin Kelly Grant 6 months ago

Funny! My son is 4 months old and I remember all the last trimester insomnia thinking I can’t wait until he gets here so I can finally sleep! Hahahaha!!

Teresa Howick Wilson 6 months ago

Oh the bliss of being pregnant with #1. Even if I had a tough time sleeping, I could rest allllll day. Omg.

Teresa Howick Wilson 6 months ago

Omg lol!

Tammy Freitas McClune 6 months ago

Hahahahaha. ..I love this

Marissa Anne 6 months ago

This is great!!!

Rebecca Piper 6 months ago

Love this! x

Carmelita Seufert 6 months ago

Yup!

Carolyn Brost Strom 6 months ago

Awesome.

Becky Johnson 6 months ago

Brilliant!

Andrea Murphy 6 months ago
Kristina Reitzel 6 months ago

This is absolutely perfect!!!!!

Julie McJules 6 months ago

I would be cracking up so hard right now if I wasn’t terrified of waking up my wee one!

Stacie Sloan 6 months ago

The breathing techniques really did come in handy for the 1st post baby BM…that was a doozy!

Krista Lynn Teague 6 months ago

This is hilarious!! My ‘second’ pregnancy thoughts will be so much different!!!

TsbX3 6 months ago

With #3 I think I had bought literally one outfit before she was born. Granted she was early, but I was like Meh, she don’t need that much, we’ll get it on the way home.

Nadine Kashlan 6 months ago

Absolutely hilarious and completely on point

TsbX3 6 months ago

We did #3 and I love her so much. But dear god 3 is SO much harder than 2. Maybe it’s because she’s determined, headstrong, feisty, my way or the highway personality. Maybe because during pregnancy she decided I didn’t need cigarettes (I’m glad of now) or Coffee (for god sakes my coffee) or maybe because at 31 weeks and 6 days she decided she was done and coming out whether we wanted her to or not. But after almost a month in the Nicu, and year later I have a beautiful 1 year old baby girl who is the absolute last child that better ever come from my body because I AM DONE. I have met my match (she is it) I have exceeded my patience limit (and she attempts to stretch it further daily) You will absolutely know that you know that you KNOW when you’re done :) She’s not all bad DD4 and DS13 help rain terror as well.

Leslie Skinner Barnard 6 months ago

Loved this! I needed this letter 8 yrs ago

Elyse Fox 6 months ago

This is awesome!!!!! So, so awesome… And true!!!

Emilija Dufresne 6 months ago

Yup.

Hillary Kelln 6 months ago

Also… Rub your belly more. You’re gonna miss the feeling of him kicking and rolling around in there.

As for the article, well…

Abbey Mumma 6 months ago

this is awesome

Jamie Bayles-Pasigos 6 months ago

Love it!

Tiffany Oskins 6 months ago

So funny and so true

Mindy Bock 6 months ago

Me and this lady would get along great! Finally someone who is real!

Lindsey Smith Armstrong 6 months ago

A lot of foul language but a whole lot of truth!!!!!

Cresta Jones 6 months ago

Dear pregnant self,

Be ever thankful for your skinny arms and basketball stomach and fetching red dress…..oh, wait…that’s not at all what you looked like pregnant. Never mind.

Mary Kathryn Edgerly 6 months ago

OMG YES!!

Sue Seccurro 6 months ago

How funny and true!!!!

Caitlin Lawrence 6 months ago

I can relate! I remember thinking in my 9th month of pregnancy… “I wish I would just have this baby so I could get a good night’s sleep”…. Okay for real what was I thinking??

Nicole Sprofera-Stiehl 6 months ago

Love this!!

Katie Degnan 6 months ago

Yes yes yes

Amy Blue 6 months ago

Love this

Pamela Shanahan 6 months ago

Love this!

Nicole Endico-Pulick 6 months ago

Omg
Lmao

Rachel Gay 6 months ago

Yes.

Dane Foy Becker 6 months ago

Oh LOVE!

Nomes Witney 6 months ago

Love it!!

extend xl 6 months ago

I’d like to find out more? I’d want to find out more
details.

My web pabe – extend xl

TheRick65 8 months ago

This post, and all the comments are hilarious! My better half and I have 7, aged 30 to 7, and SSOOOOOO much of this applies to us. But the comments about periods, Target, etc., reminded me of a story I heard (a few times) from my step-mom.
So, my step-mom’s father was a bit “rough around the edges”, and it seems he had a tendency to refer to balogna as “horse cock”. So one time, my step-mom is grocery shopping with my step-sister, who was 2-3 at the time. They pass the case of lunch meats, etc., and my step-sister yells out – loud enough for all around to hear – “Mommy! Can we get some horse-cock?”
LOL!

Alex Foster 8 months ago

I used to shout at people who said get your sleep while you can “you try sleeping at 9 months pregnant”! I now scoff at my pregnant self through bloodshot eyes on 5 hours broken sleep max for 6 months!

Gretchen Lynch 8 months ago

Dying of laughter!

Katherine Hunt Arabis 8 months ago

Score!

Julie Sarian 8 months ago

lol so true ! still craving 3hrs straight sleep for 4 years now!

lauren 8 months ago

Are we not tired of the pseudo-self-deprecating “Nuh-uh girl! You ain’t got no idea what you’re doing either! So stop judging!” bullshit yet? I mean, if you’re really such a horrible parent, please don’t have any more children. I’m long exhausted of the “Whee I have no idea what I’m doing! PASS THE WINE WAHOOO!” blog.

Val Lepage McCann Missaoui 8 months ago

I see a lot of people saying that you can’t bank sleep. True. But maybe one thing that deserves to be said in that regard is that maybe moms-to-be might want to get rid of any sleep deficit they have prior to baby arriving. I don’t know – you’ve had a rough time at work and haven’t slept much during the last months? Maybe you were sleep deprived because you were in school before being pregnant and you’ve never took back that sleep? Now is the time to make sure that you have as little sleep deficit as possible, as the first months will hit you even harder.

Amy Schmidt 8 months ago

This is great

DK Sand 8 months ago

A little extreme but some points are universal… This might apply to the first few weeks mainly…

Don N Tammy Hicks 8 months ago

Yes!

Stacy Siptak Fogle 8 months ago

I had to go back to work after 8 weeks. Then my son reversed his hours on me! He napped all day and was awake all night long! I didn’t sleep more than 2 hours at a time until he was a year old! I look at pictures to remember that first year. I was a zombie. But…I would do all again in a heartbeat! !

Erin Hoagland 8 months ago

Having a baby and recovering from a c-section is the only surgery that you don’t get any recovery time! Baby doesn’t care too much that you’re uncomfortable or tired! Their needs come first!

Laurie Braslins 8 months ago

I wish I could tell my pregnant self not to let my MIL visit for 5 weeks

Megan Novak 8 months ago

Amen! Go out to dinner ALL the time, go to the movies, wander around stores, nap often. Take it ALL in. There is nothing like being pregnant with your first, you are still independent, enjoy the last few moments of just you and your husband. 2 kids later, I can barely have a conversation with my husband and going to target alone is the best treat ever.

Amanda Perry 8 months ago

I love this! Minus the language, I could have written this. I read all the books and worried about labor. I soon realized I was not prepared for my beautiful miracle. The best reward is the unconditional love from my daughter. ❤️ I am just crazy enough to do it one more time. June 2015

Megan R Burgess 8 months ago

Bs! I’ve slept more since my daughter was born then I ever did pregnant.

Jennifer Duffy 8 months ago

It always irked me when people would say ” get your sleep now”. You can’t bank sleep.

Jessica Bennett 8 months ago

This is way over exaggerated. I have a three year old daughter and am 35 weeks pregnant with my son. The statement that you will never get uninterrupted sleep after you have a baby is beyond ridiculous and a lie. Quit scaring new moms. The truth is that the first few months are the most sleepless times, but it gets better as the baby gets older. My daughter is three years old and there are times when I still have to wake up
In the middle of the night with her for some reason, but most nights I get plenty of sleep (more so before I was pregnant). Your statement is not true.

Shana Cantrell Klinefelter 8 months ago

I think it was even harder to sleep when I was pregnant. At least after the baby came It wasn’t painful anymore.

Joycelyn Herndon 8 months ago

Im 29 weeks pregnant with my third im uncomfortable I cannot sleep at all ! I have heartburn that should be illegal ! It’s hard to shower now lol

Jessica Wilharms 8 months ago

Lmbo!!

Maria Zinader 8 months ago

I honestly get more (and better) sleep now with the baby than I did in my last 3 weeks of pregnancy…

Betsy Cutler Obermeyer 8 months ago

Was hoping for something insightful and not another rant. Rant way angry momma. I have nothing in common with you. Please take your uppers before blogging again.

Jennifer Lynn Swenson 8 months ago

I had an emergency c-section. I was totally prepared to have natural childbirth, or so I thought. I begged for the epidural when I was at 9cm and had contractions less than one minute apart. Baby’s hear rate dropped and we were rushed to the OR. I really wish I had spent more time reading up on C-sections, but I was absolutely convinced I wouldn’t have one. Getting sleep the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy was hard, I was so uncomfortable. I managed to lose all the baby weight in about a week. I gained 12 pounds during my pregnancy. I had lost 20 when I went for my one week post op appointment. It was a couple of days shy of 2 weeks post- partum before I was back in my bigger non maternity clothes( you know what I mean, the jeans we keep for when we’re bloated form PMS or we’ve perhaps hit the cheesecake a little too hard). I am slowly getting back into my regular jeans. My son is 7 1/2 weeks old. I am blessed to get to shower each day, most of the time it’s quick hair wash and wash up. My fiance’ and I work together to do ur best to make sure we each have time to take care of ourselves and as a bonus our son gets that one on one time with each of us.

Adrianne Ward Burney 8 months ago

Where was this in ’97 during my first pregnancy? SO very true! Especially that daily shower thing….what a luxury a shower is in the early years!

Kelly Fowler 8 months ago

Pregnant at 8 and 9 months sleeping is WAY worse than sleeping once the baby arrives. At least the little sleep you get is restful rather than the twilight sleep you get while you are super pregnant.

Leigh Kenner 8 months ago

I’ve definitely changed my perspective and priorities with baby #2 on the way than baby #1. Sleep is much more desirable than getting the nursery done

Hannah Horsch 8 months ago

No, getting that kitchen and bathroom deep cleaned like you’ve never done before is important because you WON’T have the energy or the time to clean it again for at least a year. Lol

Norma Brink 8 months ago

At 81 years old and having 4 children I loved this post. My LMAO for the day

Tania Carfa Tarshishi 8 months ago

Just do whatever you love doing now…it will be awhile before you get to enjoy those things again. That’s not a terrible thing, but it’s reality! I miss being able to just go have a pedicure, sit in a Starbucks, go grocery shopping without it being a rushed chore, getting my hair trimmed, etc! Life with a 3 year old and 9 month old is amazing but oh so busy. The days fly by. I wouldn’t trade it, but it’s not the same as it used to be :)

Danica Arnold 8 months ago

Haha this was so me the first time around. I am now 19 weeks along with Baby #2 we’ve done nothing. This baby won’t see the nursery for who knows how long so why break my back trying to get it ready. Yes, we are SO excited for this baby but I know now all that other “stuff” is really all it is….”stuff”. Babies really don’t need a lot.

Mary Anna Grace McMahon 8 months ago

Love this. So very true.

Jennifer Vogt 8 months ago

After having my infant I felt so bad for ever judging how families chose to do things. I definitely learned that you have to do what works for you and forget what anyone else thinks. What I really wish is that I told my pregnant self to take it easy with stuffing her face so that I wouldn’t be struggling to lose so much unnecessary weight!

Naomi Reuven 8 months ago

If only you could bank sleep…. Sleeping as much as you can before baby arrives is silly.

Sara Ashton 8 months ago

I went ten days overdue and I was willing my son out every second. But I also realized that the second I found out I was pregnant I was no longer in control of anything. So I tried to treasure the last few days of single life- shower, going to the bathroom alone and pedicures.

Crystal Fowler 8 months ago

After having two kids I feel like the absolute dumbest advice I ever got was to get all the sleep I could before the baby arrived. Honestly, I wish I had tried to get my body more used to lack of sleep so I wouldn’t have struggled the first couple months. Now that my body has adjusted, the sleep deprivation isn’t nearly as detrimental to my day.

Rozi Corrigan 8 months ago

Classic.

Amy Lynn 8 months ago

Truth!

Samantha Furci Rivera 8 months ago

Haha

Tracy Burnett 8 months ago

Uninterrupted sleep? I don’t know about you but I’m up every hour peeing!

Michael Toledo 8 months ago

THIS IS SOOOOOOO TRUUUUUUUUUUE I wish I could force people to read it lol

Casey Brachulis 8 months ago

Lol this great. And very true.

Dani Graff 8 months ago

Still don’t get the “can’t shower” thing. That’s what dad’s for. To take care of the kids too.

Jessica Richards 8 months ago

It’s true. I recently went to the dentist and it was the only alone time I had had in months!

Lyndsey Pachon 8 months ago

The part about the dentist is my favorite. I literally had a moment at the dentist where I felt like I was on vacation.

Libby Denman 8 months ago

I hear ya… But there’s stuff that needs doing that no one else is gonna do.

Ana Galvano 8 months ago

I effing love this

Nicole Stubinger 8 months ago

Lmao love this

Tina Marie Pfeifer 8 months ago

The “everyday shower” is the biggest thing! Ugh. Nap time means you can eat, nap, or shower….you CANNOT do all three. You may have time to eat and lay down, but no other combination will work in your favor. Especially if you have your heart set on shaving those mammoth legs ;o)

Gabby Mayfield 8 months ago

Hahaha!! True story

Ashley Plaza 8 months ago

2 weeks left til my due date and all I’m doing is trying to get all the sleep I can lmao

Nicole Monahan Parks 8 months ago

I can’t stop laughing!

Danica Diann 8 months ago

Perfect!!! That was all me to T, and I realized all those things and it was hard to swallow at first, but by the second kid, oh shit, they’re alive and so am I. Lol!!

Becki Blaubach 8 months ago

This couldn’t be more true.

Tara Phelan 8 months ago

This is awesome!!!

calisa 9 months ago

This is really nice letter. I read it each and every sentence. It is really very enjoyable. Keep posting. Thanks for this post.

bluevanilla 10 months ago

this was extremely discouraging to read.

Sarah Jane 10 months ago

Oh, how I wish I had taken this advice! As for fears about pooping on the table, I had them as well. But when my nine pound daughter was working her way down my who-ha, I could have cared less if the entire world saw me poop on youtube. I wasn’t even thinking about it. All I kept thinking was, why the hell is the epidural not working fast enough? And even though I ended up delivering naturally, I am proud to admit that I was praying for a c-section around six centimeters dilated. All of my fears about what a scar would look like went out the window.

Blog Plan Cul 11 months ago

Excellent web site. Lots of useful information here.

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The Dragon Lady SA 11 months ago

This has made me laugh over and over and over again!

Eventually I have actually re-blogged this.

Thanks so much for the laugh!

Katherine @ Welcome To The Nursery 11 months ago

Holy crap, that is SPOT ON!!! It feels like every other day I’m “breaking a rule” that I SWORE I’d never break when I made the rule pre-pregnancy. My husband and I laugh about this. Feeding the baby formula was certainly one of those rules!! Oh, how little we knew before baby came along…. The funniest thing is that I too was so obsessed about things that turned out to be completely irrelevant. This should be required reading for all moms-to-be!!!

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Elena 12 months ago

When I was 36 weeks pregnant with my first child, feeling massive, uncomfortable and oh-so-ready to be done with pregnancy, a family friend said, “Don’t rush it. They’re a lot easier to take care of while they’re in than when they’re out.” How right she was. How little I knew.

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It’s wonderful that you are getting ideas from this post as
well as from our discussion made at this time.

Lindie 12 months ago

I went all gender neutral for the baby room…so that baby number 2 can also use it… guess what? Baby 1 is sleeping in our room,getting dressed and nappy changes IN OUR ROOM (please note that the compactum and change mat was perfectly organised before baby came;now I have wetwipes, nappies and bum cream on my bedside table and a bin next to my bed) and he just woke up so cheers1

Inaya is here 1 year ago

This was freakin funny I love u all

Missy 1 year ago

Seriously though, after the dust began to settle with getting our little one home and a routine going, I realized that my husband went from sweet romantic man that I couldn’t stand to be apart from to total blithering idiot! When I’m up with the baby and he’s snoring so obnoxiously loud, it just makes want to put his pillow over his face! It’s like invasion of the body snatchers happened to me and they took my husband and left me with this pod person that I will surely go circus freak crazy on.

jaymay 1 year ago

Your comment reminded me of my own pre-baby judgemental attitude, lol. Right before I was due to be induced, my grandma sat down with and we talked about all kinds of things. One thing she told me was to let the nursery take the baby at night while I was still in the hospital*. In my head I was thinking how horrible that was, I had waited so long for him I wouldn’t let anyone take him! Fast forward to the next baby, and I’m asking the maternity nurse as I’m wheeled up from L&D when they can take him and how long they will keep him :)

*She also told me that when she had her kids in the late 60’s early 70’s hospital stays were four days minimum and the maternity nurses took the babies all night every night. Why did they stop???

Pamela 1 year ago

Kudos to you for not letting him cry! I don’t know why people say babies are “manipulative”. A baby doesn’t even know how to manipulate! All they know is how they feel: they feel hungry, or cold, or uncomfortable, and need to be made comfortable. And they know that that voice and that rythm of walk and that cadence of speech all belongs to mommy; it’s all been there since the womb and is their one connection between the world they know (womb) and the world they’re beginning to know. So just cuddle him as much as you want, i guarantee you can’t “spoil” a baby.

Pamela 1 year ago

I think that is so true, and many moms beat themselves up because they’re not a great mom for toddlers, or for infants, or for teens. But different ages bring different challenges that the parents will be more or less suited to coping with! My dad was a GREAT pre-teen dad, then he was completely unable to connect with his teen daughters, then as adults we all have a great relationship now. So far (my kids are 12 and 8) I found the infancy and toddler years to be easier than the tween years. But they will be my kids until they’re 80, so we have time to reconnect if I turn out to be a horrible mom for teen!

karma 1 year ago

Lol, oh.my.god. I think I just peed my pants!

Heather G-K 1 year ago

Real life is worlds of difference apart from actual and physical life experience. I was and am a dually licensed NY state teacher (unemployed , SAHM at present), and presently chose to raise my only child (medical reasons – a healthy yet 38 year juvenile onset Dianbetes Mellitus Insulin Dependemnt Diabetc/IDDM since age 3). I used to be part ofte ignoramnt but bookwise knowledgeable crowd who didn;t have children, Being a parent from birth on is a lesson that nothing can replace, and that nothing teaches better…. It’s a lesson that is ongoing and that I value all aspects of, including the “hardship” type areas /harder areas of. My life is richer, FAR RICHER for the experience of being a mom. I wouldn’t trade this for anything! Chrsitopher is my greatest treasure and he IS where my HEART is….

Katie 1 year ago

This was a funny (and insightful) read during pregnancy — but now that my daughter is 5 months old I appreciate it so much more. Did most of you moms with 2+ little ones swear that you would stop at 1? I’m scared now!!

Crystal 1 year ago

My son tried cooking popcorn when he was three at 5:30 in the morning. He had it in for something like 40 minutes, he realized about 10 minutes in it was on fire. My three year old took the popcorn out put it in the sink covered it with water then threw it in the trash. He woke me crying telling me his popcorn was on fire…. I was awake and running. Poor kid. When my second was born I was breastfeeding and dozed off to little bear. When I woke a few minutes later I thought my son was playing hide and seek, then I found his tricycle at the end of the hallway. A half hour, a call to the building manager and 911 later he was returned by the police from a building behind mine. He flooded the house three times, stuck a screw driver in a socket (mind you my house was baby proof he was better at working that stuff than I was) blew out all of the lights, threw a moon rock we got at the museum of science at the tv, bye bye plasma screen. I found him pushing the bouncy seat to the floor and letting it bounce back up WITH his newborn sister in it. Though there were funny things he would try to breast feed his sister…. No worries I have pictures! The second one was nothing, and my first one was well behaved. Seriously though they do stuff and you just have to shake your head and laugh, or sit in the middle of your flooded living room and cry. You pick.

Liz 1 year ago

Absolutely bloody hilarious !! God – if only I had read this before having my two kids, I would have been that much wiser !!

sammie 1 year ago

This. is. BRILLIANT. Every single bit of it.

This paragraph though, this paragraph is everything. ————————>

“So, have that extra slice of cheesecake now while you’re still delusional. You think you are all belly, but it’s going straight to your ass. And, by the way, you won’t be one of those lucky women who loses weight from breastfeeding. You will be the mom whose kid shows up everyday for preschool without his folder, mismatching clothes, and maybe even a little bit of food still on his face while you’re wearing a moo moo not fit for your grandmother. Memories of a daily shower will seem as magical as monkeys flying out of your ass and serving you mojitos on the white sands of Maui. Soon, going to the dentist will be the most relaxing thing you have time for. You will see.”

GREAT POST!

Jessica 1 year ago

Haha, my “me time” consists of donating platelets at the local Red Cross. The needles seem like a small price to pay to sit alone with a book for 2 1/2 hours. Plus, adult conversation!

Mommyto7 1 year ago

OMG! Hilarious and spot on! Great post… Obviously! You have some haters, so you’re doing something right!

Peggy 1 year ago

“For all of the judgments you make now about other people’s parenting techniques, you will be sentenced to a lifetime of mom guilt laden thoughts”—-Only someone who has experienced the wrath of God can know&say this. It’s true, God hates hypocrisy, if you’re the type to judge people for something you yourself are guilty of, be afraid, be very afraid. It will not go unpunished, and sometimes the punishment can last a life time, or a few years in the form of an extremely sensitive conscience toward your own sins, which can be hellishly painful, but spiritually healthy and transformative.

Dana 1 year ago

If you are scared by this article alone then don’t have kids, they will scare you even more. Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I’ve gone through many hard times, from abuse to poverty to addiction to illness…motherhood takes the cake. Think long and hard because it’s irreversible.

Kelly 1 year ago

I just don’t see what’s so amazing about having an un-medicated birth. What’s so amazing about torturous pain? The ability to overcome it?

Darla 1 year ago

Anytime people get worked up over these amazingly honest SM articles, I think they are upset at having their denial bubble popped just a little bit. Like come on, nobody is all happy happy happy all the time, it’s the shitiness in life that helps us feel Joy. We can’t have light without darkness and we can’t experience happiness without pain.

Kathy 1 year ago

The way a woman’s body reacts post birth all comes down to genes. You can be fit and in shape before pregnancy and your vag and nipples will still turn brown from pink. You can use all the belly butter in the world but if your genes want stretch marks they will have them. I don’t care how self-assured you are this will affect you in some way, although some women handle it better than others. It helps to focus on the parts of your body you do like, and work on the things you can change. IMO women are more beautiful after giving birth, their bodies have more shape to them and their face takes on more character. Their personalities are more vibrant and strong.

Elizabeth Epling 1 year ago

Amen. My thoughts exactly.

Megan 1 year ago

I nearly peed my pants reading this. I am expecting baby #2 in a few months and WISH I had read this before the first. Everything you wrote is SO true. OMG so funny. This just made my day, thank you!!!

Jerrica 2 years ago

I agree to an extent. Some of this is right on target… but the whole sleep while you can doesn’t apply to everyone. Some babies sleep all night from 3 weeks old. My two did.

Natalia 2 years ago

Couldn’t stop laughing! Brilliant post! And it is true, there’s a lot of stuff that u don’t realise u don’t need (to buy, to read, to worry about!) until after or until your next baby! But well, it’s all a long and constant learning curve.
Loved the sense of humour!

Laura 2 years ago

I was nauseous and sick right up until the day after I gave birth, it was awful and I hated being pregnant. I puked my guts out during and after delivery. But everything tasted wonderful in the morning, I never enjoyed a cup of tea so much in my life. Then I pigged out and took full advantage of breastfeeding!

rose 2 years ago

there is a ”dear disclaimer” on scarymommy ….read it O_o

MrsO 2 years ago

Thanks for this post, I love how honest you are about the reality of being pregnant. I’m expecting my first child as well and it is AWFUL!! I’m so sick 24/7, I can’t even remember the last time I didn’t feel miserable for even 20 minutes. I feel like all of my female friends and family members lied to me when they told how “wonderful being pregnant was, how magical and incredible they felt creating a new life, how they instantly felt bonded to their baby”. All I feel is constant nausea and the knowledge that I’m going to feel the same way tomorrow, and the next day… just makes me want to cry. Everytime someone tells me how much the LOVED being pregnant I just want to punch them in the face. Of course since I’m an adult I just smile politely and nod.

Lynn Gennero 2 years ago

I loved being pregnant!

Jersey 2 years ago

I am alarmed at all the negative comments to this blog. The blog’s name is Scary Mommy. If you didn’t realize it would be funny, satirical, personal and tongue in cheek, what did you think it would be? Seriously…I enjoy every one of the blogs here. And if you don’t, why not unsubscribe instead of judging, fighting and bashing?

Jenn 2 years ago

Wish I hadn’t read that- it will probably be funny afterward, but with baby number 1 on the way, it’s more depressing than anything….

careermum 2 years ago

Love this! Thank you! Such a refreshing change to all the over-sentimentalised and romantisised crap that people seem to be spouting about child rearing. I’m pregnant with my 1st and I’m having a horrid time. Pregnancy isnt easy, or magical…I don’t feel ‘more like a woman than I ever have’ and I don’t expect the birth to be easy. Thanks for telling it how it is. There’s way too many myths about our experience out there. We need more truth telling like this. Oh, and for the people who’ve left negative comments… get yourself a sense of humour and have an honest chat with the many women for whom having kids isnt the high point of their life. We all have different journeys. This is just part of my adventure.

tori 2 years ago

Lighten up people. This letter was written in hindsight to herself. The biggest downfall of mother hood is fucking stuck up judgemental moms who whine about everything. She’s not bashing or telling anyone that natural birth is wrong. She’s saying what she felt. Pop a midol ladies and chill out. This was awesome.

Rachel 2 years ago

what an awesome sense of humor you have! Love your courage, and your blog!

candace 2 years ago

This is so wonderful i love it

Hannah 2 years ago

What a superb piece of writing – I had tears running down my face it was so hilarious. Thank you!

Crystal 2 years ago

OMG! This is so true! I wish I could have read this a year ago when I was stressing about getting the enema because I did not want my husband to witness me “shitting” the bed and when the moment actually came to push I didn’t give a shit what he or anyone around thought! The daycare comment totally hits home because I am now the working mom that gets criticized for taking my child to daycare and not making it work to stay at home! I am for sure going to share this with as many people as I can. Thank you for writing this!

Leslie Sansom 2 years ago

If only I could have read a letter like this before I was pregnant. @ Stephanie Silva,…they are hell,…with little moments of heaven mixed in,…mine are 10 and 6 and I am still trying to decide if the heaven outweighs the hell. lol.

Emily Rosenhan 2 years ago

Of course it seems like bell when she talks like that! I love motherhood! I had a natural birth, take a shower every day and I love my flabby stretch marked belly. Heck it made a human being!!!! And those scares are the proof, I am proud of them! Yes motherhood is messy (btw way when that little babe is sleeping on it chest u'll soon forget all about the throw up) and hectic but it is the best thing you will ever do. My first is only a year and I am already trying to convince my husband to have another. Yay motherhood is THAT good!

Elizabeth Guptill 2 years ago

I felt the same way you did when I was pregnant! Don't despair; the good definitely outweighs the challenges (just like in any job, it's really hard but then you find your rhythm). You probably won't be able to laugh at this for about a year – but also don't get down. A great thing is about to happen to you :)

Elizabeth Guptill 2 years ago

Oh man I loved this! It's just like the brides that obsess over the wedding day and don't put an ounce of thought into their marriages. If I could go back, I would nap even more than I did! And epidurals for EVERYONE – On the house!

Rita 2 years ago

Susan, your comment made me spew coffee on my monitor…our girls are raised and now it’s fun watching my youngest with her 6 month old…

Jen Dennis Goodman 2 years ago

National geographic style…lol! This woman hit it on the head!

Jessica Switz 2 years ago

What is perfection…is this article. I've found a kindred lol

Brielle Byrne 2 years ago

Danielle Scott which is how i felt about the woman whom wrote this article that was my opinion on her opinion is all

Laurie Maskelony 2 years ago

Funny, and mostly cute. I hope that childless/pregnant women read this funny letter with a grain of hyperbolic comedic salt. Motherhood doesn't always suck this badly..
I had two natural childbirths and was really glad that I read a book.
Thanks to reading and preparing for "only one day" (two days, for two kids), I was able to cope with the pain and survive with a vagina that doesn't sag.
:p Maybe she just read the wrong book.

Gale Mercado 2 years ago

Jessica Charlotte Roose you might have missed the part where she says, "the love that, right now, you are unaware even exists." And even if it takes you a month after your child is born to realize that love, when you realize there is such a thing as love that strong, you'll realize why so many women go through it gladly.

Rachel Miller 2 years ago

This humorous article makes you feel not alone in feeling like parenthood isn't always a bed of roses. It's ok to wish daycare was open on weekends and for your body to not be what it was before babies and not necessarily happy about it. Maybe Brielle has never had one of those days where you are so overwhelmed all you can do is cry. Or maybe she is religious and doesn't believe in birth control. IDK, but "broken balls". Come on! Coming from the "perfect mother" you would think you'd have a heart.

Angel L. Mendon 2 years ago

Some Of This Is True. lol But I Think My Outlook Is Different Because We Tried For Over 3 Years Before We Were Blessed With My Son. I Did A Natural Drug Free Birth And I Didn't Even Complain About The Pain Until They Said Oh Honey I Bet It Does Hurt Your About To Push This baby out! And It Hurt, Not Unbearable and All Worth It The Moment They Lay Him On My Belly To Clean Him Off! And It's True It Is A Love You Can't Even Explain Or Imagine No Matter How Many People you Ask Or Books You Read You Are never Really Prepared And Its Hard And Scary Most Everyday But At The Same Time You Get To See A Beautiful Life Grow Everyday In Front Of you. And Now I'm Pregnant With #2 Its Hard Again But I'm So Excited For The Outcome!

Heather Tracy 2 years ago

Brielle Byrne, that was really mean. And Danielle is right, you should mellow out. All of that spiteful anger cannot be healthy. You poor thing, someone must have done a number on you.

Martha V. Phelan 2 years ago

OMG couldn't stop laughing

Patti Christell 2 years ago

Oh I wish I had written this!

Suzanne Johnston 2 years ago

The people who stereotype… are ignorant! So not true.

Sara Price-Arora 2 years ago

You know, I like your feistiness and clearly you're point about whats important and whats not is valuable. But don't court scare tactics or insult women for whom the birth process does actually matter. FYI how birth happens actually has impacts on the child and I really think there has been enough of women making a joke out of those of us who do and will have an unmedicated birth. Your point would be a lot more effective if you weren't condescending and insulting in its delivery.

Sara Price-Arora 2 years ago

You know, I like your feistiness and clearly you're point about whats important and whats not is valuable. But don't court scare tactics or insult women for whom the birth process does actually matter. FYI how birth happens actually has impacts on the child and I really think there has been enough of women making a joke out of those of us who do and will have an unmedicated birth. Your point would be a lot more effective if you weren't condescending and insulting in its delivery.

Veronica Berg 2 years ago

RFLMAO!!! I am so sharing this!!!

Jane Glaser Lellman 2 years ago

Although my "kids" are all over thirty I laughed until I cried. Spot on!!

Stacy Merritt Westmoreland 2 years ago

Brittany Bedingfield My birth was amazing AND it was amazingly painful. It goes hand in hand. I feel like it is a right of passage that we share with women of all cultures. It was utterly life changing… and extremely painful. Not to mention I vaginally delivered twin boys ( I almost passed out after the first just thinking about having to do that again). It''s definitely not sparkles and rainbows. It's bloody, tiring, and sometimes shitty (literally), but that, in part, makes it amazing.

Alyssa Michele Cole-Ballard 2 years ago

Theresa Reilly It gets easier? lol i have a two year old into everything and a ten month old who just started crawling. I now have to decide who i am going to chase first.

Alyssa Michele Cole-Ballard 2 years ago

Sarah Jane Yates labor really wasnt that bad for me and i've had two! my first one i was in labor for 18 hrs and pushed for an hr… my second one i was in labor maybe 6 hours and oushed one time and she was out. labor is what you make out of it. of course things dont always go your way. thankfully i gave birth naturally to two beautiful babies and i cried with each one of them bc i made a little miracle that my life now revolves around. my oldest is 2 and my baby is 10 months.

Tatyana 2 years ago

I had a natural birth with my daughter and am about to do it again with our second daughter so yes it hurts but it’s doable with the proper support and yes research so it’s kind of ridiculous to knock that. I would also much rather go through another 44 hours of labor (including 4 hrs of pushing) than live with the 2 months of constant nausea and exhaustion that plagued me with both pregnancies. Having a child is a constant challenge but pregnancy is no picknick either for some.

Brittany Bedingfield 2 years ago

actually as a doula whos had a natural birth….it hurts like a mother without proper support, but it can be amazing if you are informed about what is happening and you have people there to help you zone out. its not like we just make this shit up because we have nothing better to do.

Theresa Reilly 2 years ago

You're not the only one! The next few months will be different every day. Love your baby, try to get some sleep, remember that it will get a little easier soon!

Talia Llenahs 2 years ago

Thank you! My life postpartum is actually better than when I was pregnant. Plus I have newborn twins & I shower daily lol

But you're right, everyone's different!

Jill Aquilina 2 years ago

Just wait till your nice child turns into a teenager, then you will really need all The help you can get.

Lacey 2 years ago

This was and is the story of my life I have 2 kids and my 2 year old decided that waking up at 530 in the morning every morning is great and I now lose that 2 more hours of sleep or getting up to shower and have a coffee in peace. You have made my day we need more moms like you funny and not afraid to tell it like it is thanks for the giggles.

Marie 2 years ago

Best read regarding pre-baby ever!!!

Amy Baquero 2 years ago

This was pretty funnny!! But I'm on child #3 right now and idk it's not really that bad..lol
I mean I take my shower every day, but hey everyone is different..lol

shower cubicles 2 years ago

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truly helpful & it helped me out much. I am hoping to offer one thing
again and aid others like you aided me.

Rebecca Baller Samara 2 years ago

That's perfect!

Terri Cline 2 years ago

Oh this is hilarious!!! So true…even though my kids are grown ups, you never forget!! Love it!

Natasha Roberts 2 years ago

I love how reading this with my 6 week old sleeping beside me, a video advertizement starts playing and blasting noise and wakes my baby. I was hoping to take a nap…sigh This is all true

Kristi 2 years ago

Kari, I too have been down the dreaded “castor oil” slippery slope. Ewwww. I know right, it does shit for induction. LOL

Kristi 2 years ago

Oh I have a similar story too. My (at the time) 13 month old who wasn’t even walking yet, was in the kitchen playing with an obnoxious toy. I knew he was okay because I heard the toy and could still see him on the floor. I was on the phone with a chatty friend. It was only 30 or 40 seconds when I finally told my friend I “had to go”. I didn’t hear my son’s toy anymore and it was eerily quiet. Just as I ran through the kitchen and turned the corner to the bottom of our steep stairs, my son peered over the edge of the landing from the top of the staircase. I just about died! Two fleeting thoughts occurred, “who the hell put you up there?” & “wow that’s my boy!” but then that dreaded feeling of “what am I going to tell my husband” sank in. LOL Thankfully he wasn’t hurt but I never forget to put the baby gate up now.

Shelby 2 years ago

Im desperate for some advice if anyone has been in my shoes. I had a transvaginal ultrasound today. I measure to be 6 weeks and 3 days. We couldn’t find a heartbeat or baby. We did see yolk sac. I am supposed to go back in a week to try again. If nothing shows up then my doctor wants to schedule a d&c. This is my first pregnancy and I am scared out of my mind.

Predict Baby Gender 2 years ago

Well, People hate being in relationships for long.

But if we get good partner, then being in long term relationship is a treat.

Sarah Jane Yates 2 years ago

I see both sides.. like Stephanie I do not wanna go through all that stuff my dog and video games to seem to be the better way to go but I DO want to have a child and grow my family. It scares the crap out of me thinking about labor. I know lots of ladies that say the same as you Caroline… they say at the end of it its totally worth it. My Sis has 3 that lsat one was her girl.. she was an oops. she says it was meant to be :)

shelbzor 2 years ago

what a ridiculously judge-y comment. I seriously hope you’ve jinxed yourself and go to your baby’s room to find them playing with scissors.

Grace | Yummy Baby Gifts LLC 2 years ago

Wow, this is great! Too funny!!!

Kylie 2 years ago

Yep. And my kid always goes to daycare with food on his face.

Lindsey 2 years ago

I had one of those gotta go momnts when my son was almost 2.5, his grandmother had gotten him 2 puppies for his birthday. I used to keep a sprayer bottle with floor cleaner that was deluded greatly with water in it on the counter behind the water faucet, behind it! Way up there. So i go to the bathroom, less than a minute later the puppies come screaming into the bathroom jumping all over me (while I’m on the toilet) soaking wet, smelling of flowers…… My son had done scaled the counter top by using the doors and draws, grabbed the sprayer from behind the faucet, climbed down, took off the sprayer and dumped it on the dogs….. I asked him why he done it, his response (while holding the bottle) ” I no do it” really? Seriously?!?

Amber Giurintano McCarstle 2 years ago

LOVE this!!!

Amanda Bolender 2 years ago

This is the best thing ever. Seriously.

Tabytha 2 years ago

I remember that time! My son told my daughter (who is only 16 months younger) that he wanted her to look like a boy…. so a quick potty trip for mom to come back and find them under the table cutting off ALL her hair!!!! and let’s not forget a dozen eggs that made their way to the floor!

L.A. Say 2 years ago

I wish i would’ve read this before because i was totally not prepared for what is happening to me now lol

Laura Barlett 2 years ago

Funniest blog ever – loved it! Enough said =). I have kids, love them, adore them, couldn't live w/out them etc… but a lot of this is true which makes it funny.

Natasha Alex 2 years ago

I appreciate all you have done for myself and my family. My name is harry and after contacting so many fake spell casters that only played with my heart you´d got what I wanted: my family back. Your sincere kindness and thoughtfulness inspires me. You have touched my heart deeply and I will forever be grateful that you got rid of all the negative influences that surrounded my wife and I. Now we are back and my son is very happy again, with his parents together… Thanks Ekaka ekakaspelltemple@yahoo.com all my gratefulness.

Dawn Miller 2 years ago

Hi-friggin'-larious! Sharing!

Lise Fox 2 years ago

I wish I could have showed this article to my unwed pregnant daughter, I’m sure it would have made her think twice of being diligent with her birth control.

Talya Nicholson 2 years ago

This is HILARIOUS!

Mel 2 years ago

bahahahah “Tic tac to a whale”! I couldn’t wrap my head around how I was supposed to force a human out of there and then in 6 short weeks have it not be like a hot dog down a hallway after being “cleared for intimacy”!

Caroline Andrus 2 years ago

Jessica Charlotte Graham I always wanted to be a mom, but never wanted to go through the whole birthing process.

Well, had an oops! and all through the labor I told my fiance this was it, no more kids after this one. But as soon as she was in my arms, nothing else mattered. I looked at him and said, "I could do this again."
Until you experience it, you don't know.

Not that I think everyone HAS to have kids. If you don't want kids, power to you! For me, at the end of the day, it was all worth it.

Jessica Charlotte Graham 2 years ago

just love how some of these women out there try to make having babies seem all cutesy, flowery, and all about unicorns and candyland bc they're too goodytooshoes to let anyone know that there's actually pain involved… and this article… genius… absolutely tells the truth…. thank you!

Jessica Charlotte Graham 2 years ago

amen to that, could never understand the positives of childbirth and why so many women get excited myself

Susanne Lopez Donnan 2 years ago

Laurel, I have to say, I just love you.

Laurel Wheeler DuPont 2 years ago

Ok, I sometimes think about the fact of never having children and having to go though life without someone to take care of me when I get older. Facts are that 50% of all marriages end in divorce, your stuck with the kids and being a single parent. Not for me. Instead, Mary the man that had the divorce, was stuck with the 1,000 + child support for two kids even after they turn 21 and the bitchy, nasty, and crazy ex-wife, that made sure he couldn't have kids again. Can, we blame the man. I will say, it's great with just the hubby and me! Oh, a few dogs, cats, and a bird. My children.

mandy 2 years ago

LOL I love this, and I cannot wait for a certain judgy know it all to go through all of this herself one day!

olo101 2 years ago

This nicely sums up many of the reasons I will never, ever have any children.

chatroulette 2 years ago

It

Amanda Amburgey 2 years ago

I wish I would have read this before my daughter's birth, but I like it now 2 weeks postpartum because it makes me think I'm not the only one!

Cyndie Lapke 2 years ago

So true:)

Chrissy 2 years ago

Also, never in my life had I ever found myself saying “Ooh thats right, im due for a cleaning, I can’t wait to make a dentist appointment.”

Until now.

A gym shower and some teeth scraping is going to feel like the ultimate spa vacation. I can’t believe all my mom friends have been keeping this secret from me!!

Chrissy 2 years ago

So funny and true!! Reading the comments was a godsend though.. there are gyms with childcare?? So you mean to tell me I could potentially pay $50 a month to actually be able to shower daily and condition my hair without playing peekaboo or singing disney songs to make the crying and whining stop? You might as well have just told me that Santa Claus IS real, and he’s going to deliver a cooking, cleaning robot to me because I’ve been oh so good this year. I literally bounced in my seat after reading this. I can’t wait for daylight so I can get to the local Y and sign up. Oh happy day!

Lori Claxton Vintilescu 2 years ago

oh hilarious! I actually told my dental hygienist "if I fall asleep while you are cleaning, just let me sleep okay?"

The Next Step 2 years ago

I am still ashamed at some of the thoughts that went through my head when I was a “pre-parent.” Looking with disdain at the choices other parents made for their kids, thinking I had it all worked out because I had read SO many of those books by “experts.”

Ugh – if ever there was a more perfect use of hindsight, this would be it.

WeavingRoses 2 years ago

I loved this post! Thank you for the laughs!

Stephanie Silva 2 years ago

Pregnancy and motherhood sound like hell. I'll take my cats and video games over a baby any day of the week.

Aimee Bergeron 2 years ago

Omg that was hilarious

Hope Barras Daigle 2 years ago

This was hilariousssssssssss, I wanted to dieeeee! hahahaha

borealis 2 years ago

Agreed. As soon as she starting swearing her head off she lost me.

borealis 2 years ago

Gross. keep the TMI to yourself.

Amanda Martin 2 years ago

I thought the letter was brilliant, and then I started reading the comments…. Man, I thought I was cross when my 4yo decorated her doll with pen today. I’m so glad that’s the worst she did. Mind you, they’re still young enough to do some of these things. Note to self to move flour and oil to the top shelf and NOT THINK ‘mine would never do that’. That would be fatal.

S. Scheetz 2 years ago

Oh my, I wish I had read this while I was pregnant with my twins. I stopped reading about the stuff I was going to go through to get them into this world, because I figured they would get here one way or the other. And no amount of reading would prepare me for what to do AFTER they got here. You can read, and read, and read…and all of that information goes out the window once they actually get here. Yup. It does.

Elaine A. 2 years ago

Oh gosh the bit about going to the dentist! LOVE IT! I totally wrote a blog post about that subject alone once. I compared getting my teeth cleaned to a spa trip. Some did not agree. 😉

Funny stuff! Thanks for the laughs! 😀

Kelli 2 years ago

Funniest thing I have read in a long time! Thanks for sharing…after 3 kids I nearly peed myself…literally!

Kayla 2 years ago

Just about died laughing! This was great and exactly what I needed this morning! Many Thanks!

Donna 2 years ago

And you will love every minute of it. Enjoy these times, it goes by so fast and then they are grown and on their own. Believe me, enjoy every blessed second of it. You will miss it someday

Kat 2 years ago

Thanks for the laughs (I just read it again months later). I am sending this to my pregnant friends.
The honesty is SO refreshing. The second any one of starts to think we’re a “super mom”, you know they’ve “missed the boat.” Parenting is the hardest and most rewarding job in the world, whether you’re a stay at home or “working” parent (in quotations because all parents are constantly working, outside the home or not). I’ve done both, and I must stay working full time and making time for kids is the juggling act of the century (hugs to all parents doing it now!). If parenting is easy, then you’re not doing it right!

Kyri 2 years ago

LOL! This made my day instantly! You are so right about thinking you know everything about parenting before you have your baby! I thought that after reading hundreds of books and talking to my mother and grandmother that I was so well educated in the line of parenting, that I could do it with my eyes closed! Boy, was I wrong. Especially being a young mother at the age of 18. My boyfriend and I have been in the constant battle of keeping our daughter in bed at night and keeping things that shouldn’t be in her mouth, out of her mouth! Our little girl just started walking and is getting into literally everything she can possibly reach! She also finds enjoyment in terrorizing my poor cat. Fortunately, my cat tolerates her fur and tail pulling! And after reading some of the comments about their children spilling things on the floor…Boy I have a fun story. My daughter, Talia, and I were on our way to my Aunt’s house to visit the farm and see all the horses. The minute Talia set foot on her property she got all excited and started into a fit of giggles and smiles. We entered the barn where all the horses were at and she just glowed. I set her down so she could walk around (all the stall doors were closed so she couldn’t get in with the horses). I turn my back for one second and I hear an “ooops”. I turn around and find Talia covered in water with oats and hay… She managed to tip over a bucket of water that used to be in one of the horses stalls, so it had left over oats and hay in it. She was soaked and smelled, but she was giggling about the whole thing! After that I had her give her Aunt a big ole’ smelly hug!

Anne Hockley 2 years ago

I had a horrid cold one day and took a Benadryl. Fell asleep on the couch. I woke up to my daughter with no hair. She had cut it all off, and I mean off. It was, of course, school picture day. We called her Spike for months.

Adrienne 2 years ago

My 2nd is 4 weeks old, and we rented 2 movies from Redbox to watch on our 2nd night in the hospital. Damn DVD player broke and maintenance came to fix it. I felt a *teeny* bit embarrassed that here we were with a brand new baby…but seriously, we really wanted to watch Argo and the 3-year-old is such a PIA at the moment, we figured what the hell.

Ruth Aviles 2 years ago

Oh that was me, every last word. I only have one little angel though-_- How the hell did my mom do it with 6!?! Yup I was NEVER going to put my child in front of the television (so that i can finish cooking dinner without him chucking his Legos in my soup) , oh and i was NEVER EVER going to allow him to scream bloody murder (just because) in the checkout line while everyone looked at me in disbelief as i firmly clamped my hand over his mouth until i finished paying (with my awesome one handed mom skills) and calmly left the store.

sarah 2 years ago

Are you not letting your child learn to cut with scissors? I think you are crazy to NOT be giving your child scissors. Their preschool teacher would be happy if they had more children start school with scissor skills. See, the mommy judgement works both ways… Most parents have a story about one of their children cutting their hair, or their siblings hair. It’s normal.

Peggy 2 years ago

Love the story! I have no children and am happy I made the decision not too. You’re a girl after my own heart with your story-telling style.

Daniela 2 years ago

I can’t have pregnancies neither (I have severe osteopenia). I’m 27 years old, I found out a year ago and it breaks my heart every. single. day. Knowing that my husband will never leave early to come and put his ear in my stomach is the WORST feeling ever.

And you know what? I laugh my ass off reading this post.

The fact that you can’t have childrens doesn’t allow you to tell other people what they can or what they can’t say! How rude of you to come here and lecture the OWNER of the house! Missy, go buy a bag of sense of humor.

Nicole 2 years ago

I don’t have children yet but my best friend is pregnant and reading this letter and the many comments below it just gave me a night full of laughter. I have wondered what some of my mother friends were doing with their children but after reading this I will certainly no longer guess or worry about what they do. I look forward to my own stories of wild and crazy children.

Milissa 2 years ago

Breathing really does help with labor. A doula really really helps!!! I got to 8 cm with no epidural before they performed a c-section and I don’t remember it being agony. This time I am trying for a VBAC and no epidural again.

Luckily I never worried about pooping during delivery. I guess I don’t have a lot of modesty.

Char 2 years ago

Send this ASAP to Kim Kardashian. That would be reality.

Lisa @ The Meaning of Me 2 years ago

I could not possibly have laughed harder. All true. Love your honesty. :)

southernbelle 2 years ago

This is the most refreshing thing I have laughed over in a long time. Thank you for sharing your honesty! I have 4 beautifully frustrating children. My oldest will be 20 this year. I remember being pregnant the first time and just knowing that I knew everything…I didn’t…still don’t…never will. Karma is a bitch. I learned my lesson and how to be humble and when to shut the hell up with my unwanted advice. One thing I will share is that my mother was right. She told me “this is the easy part” everytime I called her crying over baby vomit or sleepless nights. I can still hear her laughing when I called to tell her she was right and that I was so sorry for all the grief I caused her as a teenager. That call came after the first night my precious son decided marijuana was his new best friend. Ahhh… teenagers. Anyway, best of luck to you and please keep writing and sharing because you are very good at it!

Camille 2 years ago

I’m not a mother yet but this made me laugh out loud and also made me a little fearful for when i do have kids. I am 23 now and the story of when I was three gets told all the time, I ran away into some woods where homeless men were known to camp out while my older brothers were supposed to be watching me. I was supposedly looking for our dog. I ended up standing in a busy parking lot in a shopping center, a woman picked me up and held me until my mother, after a search party was made, found me. Oh goodness I hope karma does not come back for me.

Christina 2 years ago

You should try having 6!!!

Debra 2 years ago

It is all true…. My dentist went to lunch after he finished with me so they let me take a hour nap. Bess them! When I finally fit into my pre preg jeans my daughter procedided to projectile vomit on them all I could do was sit and laugh!

Leigh 2 years ago

Wow, motherhood sounds awesome. I’m so jealous I don’t have a kid!

Gary Gordon 2 years ago

I enjoyed the letter except for the foul language, surely someone with that amount of talent doesn`t have to lean on the shock factor of foul language.

Michelle 2 years ago

I’m a mom and I loved this! Seriously wondering about the sanity of Rachel Gram though and why in the world she was reading this if she isn’t a mother…..bahahahaha!!
Don’t let any of the negative people make you stop doing anything you want. You can’t please all the people all the time.

Miranda 2 years ago

You are my hero! I was not a “pregnancy is so beautiful” person. I hated nearly every moment of my pregnancy and couldn’t wait for it all to be over. I had no idea what was on store! I recently had a friend-20 weeks pregnant- say that she has not enjoyed being pregnant and “can’t wait for things to go back to normal.” I had to stop myself from laughing in her face and said, “there will be no normal ever again. Not like you want.” Who run the world? Girls!!!

Jodi 2 years ago

This had to be the funniest thing I have ever read about having children! Believe me I have 5 kids and everything you say is so true! Pinning this so I can give it to my daughter when she is pregnant.

Mary 2 years ago

Don’t judge about the scissors! My little guy could probably figure out how to make his own pair of scissors out of a bobby pin and a piece of lint! I hope these skills serve him well in the future, if he lives that long.

Mary 2 years ago

OMG! Teen brain is the worst! My daughter had the most severe case known to mankind. I think it is designed this way so we aren’t sad to see them leave after high school!

Kristie 2 years ago

Love this 😉 wish I had time to read ALL the comments, too! Thanks so much!

Alisha 2 years ago

OMFG!! I think I peed myself, more than once! I knew beforehand that kids could be tough. But I never thought mine would be that awful. I love to fondly call him my “Devil Spawn”.

Pregnancy was AWESOME. Easy. Even my back problems I had disappeared. Childbirth was natural (asides from the laughing gas), labour was 5 hours and pushing done and over in 16 minutes.

I thought he was so perfect when I first held him, I failed to notice he was smurf blue in the face. He had the cord wrapped around his neck 3, yup you read that right, 3 times.

He’s awful, but I love him. Dreadful, doesn’t listen no matter what suggestions, doctor approved, study researched proven options I try. But we are still trying to have more. He’ll be 5 this year.

Because no matter how awful he is, dangerous, heart attack inducing trouble he gets into, there is no other love like it. And you get to realize that, while watching them sleep. Cause usually it’s the only quite time you might get.

Leena Pendharkar 2 years ago

Hilarious. Laughing out loud.

Morgan 2 years ago

BRILLIANT!!!!

Christy 2 years ago

This letter is adorable! Even to me, the woman who was born to be a mother but can’t be. I’ve longed for a child for years, and I would gladly accept any part of your letter, to be a part of my life if it meant I could have a baby to hold, a child to love and nurture. A child to raise, instil values, beliefs. A child to support, to cheer for, and to cry with when life is hard. Potty training, spills, poop and puke, give it to me. Super hero capes, fairy tales, first words and funny moments…. I’ll take it! I love all of you moms and realize what you have gone through and had to sacrifice. But I also envy you and all of the moments you have with your child. God bless!

N.L. 3 years ago

This is kind of like a game show. I think I can top yours, lol.
My son was a nightmare, but to look at him, big eyes long curly hair, he was beautiful. But to live with him was another story. My favorite was when he was 2 yrs old he dumped a large box of Tide and proceeded to open Coke cans and pour the Coke on the Tide, luckily it was in the basement by the drain near the washer, but it still hours to get rid of the sticky hideous looking foam. We had to move everything higher than 5 ft. in a room or else he would try to take it apart. Our cushions were never on the furniture because he thought it was fun to push them off with his head and then leave to create havoc somewhere else. When he was quiet we knew there was going to be a problem. Or if if you heard a “uh oooh” you’d better run. He constantly threw his socks, bottles and other objects in the trash, yes he figured out how to open a child-proof lock. And my family could never figure out why we were always late to family functions. Until they had to watch him for a week, all they did was apoligize for being so bitchy about us being late.

Kelly 3 years ago

My youngest (at 2 years old) loudly proclaimed to all Target shoppers where in the body tampons went after she saw me put a box in the cart.

Kelly 3 years ago

My son’s 5th grade teacher (in a gifted and talented program) told me that she dreaded spring every year because these wonderfully intelligent boys would, without fail, lose every bit of common sense roughly around the time they turned 11. He will be 14 this spring and I’m still waiting for the brain cells to creep back in through his ears, which is how I imagine they slipped out to begin with.

Heather 3 years ago

Hilarious but I have to disagree on sleeping better when pregnant! I’d take c-section recovery/ newborn any day over pregnancy, especially the last 8 weeks when I thought reflux would burn a hole through my chest and my pelvis shifted horribly out of place with every movement…oh and the horrible burning itch of PUPPPs… eesh I shudder at doing that again!

Krati 3 years ago

I’m right there with ya Christy! (32 having my first child)
PREACH!

Jessica 3 years ago

I love your sense of humor. I appreciate your honesty…and I thank you for making me realize that every single thing I have felt and experienced with my two children is normal. I feel like going to a big box baby store, ripping out all the pages to “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and replacing them with your letter.

Cmk 3 years ago

My hubby can bribe me with coffee too, wish I didn’t react like I do (coming out of hiding), but it usually makes me put my game face on and get back into my life with my 3 boys.

Chilly Z 3 years ago

Too funny, love it! Thank you!
I thought I had it all planned out and then reality hit. I spent the next year angry at all my friends for not telling me the truth. I still tell any prego I see the “dark side” and there is always a group of girls who try to make it sound so much better…to calm her down.

Been There 3 years ago

Motherhood is over rated. That is the truth. I have three children and I love them more than anything in the world. But I would not do it again. Way too much heartbreak.

Jessica 3 years ago

This is HILARIOUS!! I always thought…..Oh I’ll get married and have two children……dont know about that anymore. I also thought, I worked at a daycare and I babysat for people. I know what to expect when I have a baby and will know what to do…..BOY was I wrong! Love this!

Krista 3 years ago

And then you have to start taking your kids to the dentist with you, and even that small sanctuary is gone. Ah well, we can always buy ourselves gift certificates for massages and pretend our husband remembered our anniversary.

Dana 3 years ago

I actually got him tested today for PPCD class recommendations. ECI refers them straight to a selected Sp. Ed. department to get them enrolled. I must say, there were a few things that I didn’t think he could do and completely blew me out of the water! I’m never underestimating my son again!

Though I have learned while reading for him that I may very well have it from traits that relate to me. I’ve taken AQ tests and scored pretty high. It would explain why I’m so… well, weird, haha. I plan to get a diagnosis soon.

I learned pretty quickly what was or wasn’t socially acceptable (and still learning…) and made it just fine through mainstream school, but I know there are those subjects and “wtf?!” moments while I was growing, and him learning about his condition instead of discovering it (like me) he can understand what he’s feeling and going through a lot better.

Sorry for any horrendous mistakes. I’m typing away with no contacts in!

Jenine 3 years ago

My firstborn is on the autism spectrum (PDD-NOS) and I just wanted to let you know I’ve been where you’re at. Our road with him has been long, slow, sometimes discouraging, but also joyous and fulfilling. He’s 18 now, a jr. in high school, an honor roll student, has a drivers’ license AND a job at the movie theater. He’s quiet, introverted, but also amazingly self-reliant and responsible. One of the best things we did for him (not that we did it just for him of course) was to give him siblings. They were his first friends and have continued to “force” him out of his shell over the years. And I know that someday when my husband and I are gone, even though he will probably live fine on his own, he will not be alone and will always have his brother and sisters (who adore him) to lean on for support. Do you live in the US? I don’t want to be a know-it-all, but if you haven’t started making plans to do it already, contact your local school as soon as he turns 3 to see if he can qualify for services through the school system. Most school districts have programs for kids like ours. It was a blessing for us.

Jenine 3 years ago

HA! Having fun reading about all the “terrible two” stories. It got me to reminiscing. When my #1 child was 2, he “painted” the entire living room carpet with his poo. I have no idea what he’d eaten but even the steamcleaner couldn’t get those stains out. Gross, gross, gross. And yet we still decided to have #2 child, who at 2 stripped herself naked in the backyard while I was sitting inside at the window nursing #3 child. She scaled the 4′ wood fence (remember, she was naked…ouch) and a neighbor found her 6 houses away down the block. Thankfully, #3 child was a perfect angel at 2 (after most of the first year was spent trying to ease his colic) so, what did we do? Decided to have #4 child who I can honestly say is #1,#2, and #3 child to the 3rd power. Her toddlerhood had the poo of #1, the exhibitionist of #2, and the charm of #3 (thankfully she skipped the colic), with a whole lot of her own eccentric flair thrown in. My “babies” are now 18, 13, 11, and 8 and all I can say is that we have survived. Now the teenager years? Well, I’ll take poo, nakey babies, and colic over hormones and mood swings any day. But in the end they’re all the things that add color, flair, humor and memories that we’ll enjoy looking back on when we’re sitting in our nice, clean, childless houses waiting for the grandkids to come mess it up a little. :o)

Joanne 3 years ago

I decided that boys/men were stupid and girls were devious when my three year daughter cut my two year old daughter’s hair in the space of three minutes whilst I changed my baby’s nappy before we left the house to meet my husband’s new boss to introduce our families. I couldn’t understand where she had found the sissors as my locked box on the top shelf was intact. Later my husband informed me that he had the nail sissors in the top drawer of his bedside table because as he put it “they were nail sissors, I didn’t think they would cut hair with them.”! I will never forget the look on his boss’s face when we walked in.

Nancy Radford 3 years ago

TOO FUNNY!

Caitlin 3 years ago

This seriously had me cracking up! I have a 3 year old GIRL who up until recently insisted that she could fly. She was so sure she could fly that she jumped off of my moms deck and cut up her nose. In the last year (she’ll be 4 in June), she escaped from the house luckily just running up to my boyfriend’s grandmothers who lives right around the corner (she cut through the yards and avoided the road lol) AND cut her hair. Sometimes I find myself calling up my dad or my mom and pleading with them to take her for the night. I always wanted a girl but some of the shit she does I can’t help but think “Really?” She acts like a little boy and still prances around in her dresses and pigtails. And what is with drawing on themselves (or the dog… or a family friends dog…) with PERMANENT marker? Both her and 2 dogs were covered in red and black permanent marker for a week and a half. I still don’t understand how little kids can get into so much trouble even if their parents watch them like a hawk! Like the hair cutting… I turned for maybe 30 seconds to get her a cup and she had found the scissors and took them to her hair. Gotta love kids though! Never a dull moment around here.

Samantha 3 years ago

I laughed and cried!!!!

jenn bowcutt 3 years ago

When my son was 3 i was hosting my very first family get together for my fiances family, it was fathers day. We had about 6 people show up and i was busying myself in the kitchen preparing dinner. Levi my son was on the back porch playing with another one of the kids where i could see him through my kitchen window, that and my mother in law was on the back porch as well. I ASSUMED all was well but when i noticed i didnt hear him anymore i instantly panicked. We lived on a golf course at the time that had railroad tracks only two driveways down so the whole area was connected by the course that was right off our back yard. My son just so happened to be OBSESSED with trains. I bolted for them knowing thats where he was and when i got to him some lady had stopped her car cuz she saw him and had him in her arms. He wondered right out of my back yard and when this woman drove by she said she saw him running down the track.He literally took off and was gone in a couple minutes time. I was so sick with the thought of what if a train had come we began house searching to move the very next day. We now own a home with a fully fenced yard and not a railroad track for miles.

Jenn 3 years ago

I think this is sooooo funny and true and the people who are making rude comments are taking it WAYYYYYY too seriously. Parenting is by FAR the hardest thing I have ever done and it is comforting to know I’m not alone with these struggles. There are good days and bad days. Sometimes its rainbows and unicorns and other times I think that it would be less painful to rip my hair out. I love my son more than anything in the universe and would go to the ends of the earth for him, but we are all human and we all have limits and children test them regularly. Its true no matter what type of parent you are or what type of personality your kids have.

Kay M. 3 years ago

Amazing. Amazing that no matter how many articles like this they read, young adult first pregnancy moms still have no clue what they are in for. They remain the judgemental teen brained females they are until that magical child-being has latched onto their hearts and lives. We learn from our children. Sometimes we learn without realizing we are learning. This was a brilliant post. I loved it!

Kelly 3 years ago

Oh.My.Gosh. I’m pretty sure you’re my new hero!

Sara 3 years ago

I went baahaaing….LOL!

Sara 3 years ago

I have to agree Rigina :) I was a great Mom (even in my own mind LOL!)…but both my kids cut their (or some other childs) hair and visa versa! or cut something else they weren’t supposed to! I kept my scissors on top of the refridgerator. Seems to me, everything I’ve ever tried to keep something away from my children, it always seem to find them somehow. Thats why our jobs are to keep the children safe…because they ALWAYS found unsafe things to do or play with.
Both of my kids made it to adulthood…but I have no idea how they did it! WOW! It’s a miracle! LOL!

angie 3 years ago

My step daughter and my son are 6 months apart. I figured they were playing upstairs in one of their rooms when they were about 3 while I was folding laundry until I heard NOTHING. So I go upstairs and find them in the bathroom covered in Vaseline. They were covered and the bathroom was covered. I mean – vanity, shower door, window, doorknob, EVERYTHING! Nothing like cleaning up Vaseline. I haven’t had it in my house since.

Shannon 3 years ago

That’s terrifying! Did you just want to leash him after that?!? 😀

Anne 3 years ago

When my son was 6 or 7 I had Glandular Fever except we didn’t know it and the fact I had trouble waking up every morning seemed to me to just be excessive tiredness. Well, my boy would rise around 5am and always wanted to eat fairly soon after that. This particular morning there wasn’t any milk and he kept coming to wake me up and ask me to go and get some. I simply couldn’t wake up so he helped himself to some money and walked to the local shop which was a good 20-30 min walk away, bought the milk and walked home again! I woke up before he arrived home and had just started to panic when he arrived home! He is now an adult and still as stubborn and independent! It’s one of those classic childhood stories now but oh my goodness.

Anne 3 years ago

When my son was in high school one of the administrators commented to me once that “we should leave them alone to sleep from 14 -17 and then start to educate them when they wake up!” I am now the mother of a 19 year old delight so yes, they improve!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog 3 years ago

Thanks Lei!

Jenn 3 years ago

Funniest thing I’ve read in a long time….So true about the dentist….I look forward to the gas

Janec 3 years ago

My 3yr old just coughed til she puked in her sleep. Darn thing was all smiles and giggles while I changed her sheets!

Holly 3 years ago

Thank you for sharing, this is so true and made me laugh at every turn. I’m pregnant with my second right now and remember having all those thoughts with my first!

Mary Ann Nicosia 3 years ago

I’m a Nana now, but I remember a time when I had the Cinderella syndrome -the time before kids when you believe you’ll get married ,have perfect babies and you’ll clean your perfect house in a evening gown. Then comes the babies that projectile vomit on your velvet xmas dress, toddlers the pee in any open container in the bathroom (in addition to the heat vent) and little genius scientists that try to build electric chairs on daddy’s workbench using wire and electric bulbs. I wouldn’t trade one second! I earned every gray root! (I say root because you’ll never see this Nana with a whole head of grays unless my caregiver of the future slacks off on my dye jobs.) oh well sidetracked again-anyway Hang on to every second-play with your kids-the dishes can wait! go to the park – outside still gives everyone fresh air, wonderment and vitamin D when the sunshines. It goes by way too fast and you’ll regret the times you say I’ll be there in a minute or Mommy is so busy…..You can never get that time back! And her’s the biggie- NEVER say my kids will never do that or we always do……. Those statements will come back to bite you!

BN 3 years ago

This was great! I’m 20 weeks pregnant with my first and I freely admit I know nothing. I do remember many of the things my brother (who is 2 years younger than me) and I did, so although I may not be judgmental, karma will be coming for me! BTW, after reading this and all the comments, I promptly took a LOOOOOOONNNNGGGG shower!

REEM 3 years ago

HAHAHAHAHAHA — SO FRIKKEN TRUE and thats what makes it hilarious!
p.s I had to google Firenzas finest….

Brooke 3 years ago

I finally just had 2.5 seconds to myself so I read this outloud to Jon and I was crying from laughing so hard! Hilarious!!!

Rigina S 3 years ago

My son escaped when he was about 2. It was very early am and I wasn’t awake yet and didnt realize he was either. He had on his cowboy boots, cowboy hat, gun belt and NOTHING else. When i startled awake because the house felt open, I found him a block down and across the street riding his tricycle. He is grown (21) now and it’s a funny story i tell, but it scared the crap out of me, and I had to install deadbolts that locked up into the top of all the door frames because he became a professional escape artist. I’m surprised he is alive today!

Rigina S 3 years ago

You just jinxed yourself with the “scissors” comment. Don’t be the parent who says “I ALWAYS keep the scissors, (knives, medicine, dog treats, razorblades, etc..) out of reach. Children have an amazing uncanny ability to climb, scale, gather stools, pots, whatever to get to what you think is in a SAFE place!!! Just wait. When my son was 3ish he got the scissors from on top of the refridgerator (???) and cut the cord to a plugged in fan and melted the scissor blades..I found them in the floor later that evening and about had a heart attack. He was fine and I guess the rubber handles saved him from being electrocuted! Just wait,,something metal will meet something electric by the time they are 10!!!

Elaine 3 years ago

Love this: you’re a funny writer, too, Kiran!

kam 3 years ago

Ah, I went to the toilet for like three minutes. It was one of those emergency, “I gotta go NOW” situations. My kids were 2 and 3. I came back and into the kitchen. I had wondered why they didn’t follow me…and they were so…quiet…
Peanut butter from counter to counter, floor to ceiling.
My then 3 year old saw my face and said “Uh oh…Mommy’s going to kick a butt.”
A perceptive child, even then.

Dana 3 years ago

I love this! I’m currently pregnant with my second one and have a near three year old son with a high possibility of Asperger’s. So far I have been a jungle gym, a climbing post, a chair, a toy, a punching bag, a cradle, and so many other things to name… I’m only four months, but I’m already worn out! Need another doorknob thingy to keep him from getting into his sibling’s room… Little stink knows how to open locked doors so I don’t have a “peaceful” nap. It’s always that sucky half sleep where-you-can-hear-everything-but-you’re-still-asleep sleep.

keri 3 years ago

Ahhhhh the pregnant ass hole!!! I was one too, my kid was only going to eat organic home made food, i would only use cloth diapers, classical music would be piped through the house , and god forbid if my kid was one of those picky eaters… Yup NONE of that happened, he ate gerber baby food, raps baby got back, i never even looked at the cloth diapers, and the only thing that has passed my kids lips in the past 9 months is chicken fucking nuggets…

Em 3 years ago

Thank you so much for writing this! You have taken the words right out of my mouth! I have a friend who’s going to be a new mother and she thinks she knows it all. And after 9 months of her being a bitch and her snide remarks I’m so ready for her to get the reality slap in the face. She’s been a total jerk because my daughter puts EVERYTHING in her mouth. EVERYTHING. But what kid doesn’t right? She’s like,”Oh that’s gross you just let her chew on that..” I’m like honey, you pick your battles, shoe vs power cord. I’d rather tell her no to the power cord than the shoe.

Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog 3 years ago

I did deliver baby #2 without an epidural. I just don’t know what the hell all of the breathing techniques were for because apparently I’m wayyyyy too anxious of a person to be calmed without something like a tranquilizer during the whole crowning thing.

Melissa 3 years ago

I’m not one for sharing things but after I read this, I had to. I was the pregnant woman judging… I would never do this, I would never do that and you know what every single one of them of them I do. I am one mess away from a complete melt down. My daughter is the one at daycare, where, if I even get her out of her pajamas, she is mismatched, hair sticking everywhere. I look at these moms with more than one child and honestly think they are super woman. Please just let me get one more hour of sleep, not even so much an hour but 15 minutes would work. I used to love sleep… My husband literally lost his mind after my daughter was born.. Oh, I’m not paying enough attention to you, huh? I just pushed a 9 pound baby out and if I’m not changing diapers, pumping, feeding, laundry, the list goes on and on. But if given the choice I would do it all over again every single time. Every time my daughter smiles at me, I am ready to take on anything!

Lost My Mind 3 years ago

Most of them get their smarts (AKA common sense) back by the time they are 30, or have their 2nd kid. I know you feel like they don’t hear a word you say, and they don’t, but somehow their pea sized brains absorb your words and come back at the strangest times. Take comfort in the fact that they will one day shock the #$%^ out of themselves. They will open their mouths, intending to say the words in their heads, but what comes out will be YOUR WORDS!!! My kids are now 32, 30 & 25. We also adopted out grandaughter, who is now 10. We have been her parents since she was 4. About that one child who didn’t quite get all the smarts back, there is hope. I used to tell my friends that 2 out of 3 wasn’t bad, but my odds got better since we have the 10 yr old. Now it’s 3 out of 4, and #4 is getting better. You will survive this.

KC 3 years ago

Extreme,but definitely funny. I’m just glad I didn’t have EVERY one of those things described. Not sure if I would have survived! The love thing, though…totally.

Grandma C. 3 years ago

Alex, If everything on this site bothers you, why are you here?

pixie 3 years ago

Normally I like this site, but this was weak.

….also, do you think no women ever deliver without epidurals or something? Because I don’t know what to say to that.

Elisabeth 3 years ago

Well, since my mother never went through natural childbirth, never breastfed a child and pawned me off on the neighbors to raise, I think the wonderful women who helped teach me the things I needed to know were a huge asset to my life.

And as someone who now TEACHES childbirth, parenting and breastfeeding classes, I would like to point out that there are precious few young women who can just turn to an all knowing, experienced, loving and supportive mom for every single answer. Some young ladies had their mom die before they gave birth. Others didn’t have a good relationship with them. Some have wonderfully supportive mothers who simply don’t have experience with breastfeeding or other issues important to the new mom.

Classes are also a place where young moms can connect with each other and form a supportive community of women their own age going through the same experiences.

Elisabeth 3 years ago

I agree with Jennifer. Granted, I was a babysitter and a nanny before I had children and became a nurse working pediatrics and L&D/newborn nursery after having a couple… so I know that had a lot to do with my expectations being a LOT more realistic than most new moms. I do giggle a lot at some of the expectations.

But… a positive attitude does help even when baby isn’t the easiest (and with seven kids, one with autistic spectrum disorder, one with ADHD, one who had massive colic… yeah, I know raising a baby isn’t the easiest thing in the world)…. I think Jennifer has the right attitude. Granted… it’s the ones who DON’T have realistic expectations that this post was designed for… and boy, are there are lot of those moms out there!

Katie 3 years ago

I’ve been trying to download this letter for the past week posted by one of my besties with the subject ” awesome!! You have to read this.” Everytime I opened it my daughters mouth opened first, “mom, can I have a drink of water, snack, can I play my game on your phone?” Needless to say I closed out my awesome e-mail to short order cook and play hungry fucking hippo for the 11th millionth time on MY phone. Not today! I told my daughter I was laying down for a minute to rest, told her there was water on the table, handed her a delicious cheese stick, hugged her, and departed to read with out another word as not to remind her I was going to relax for a second, for fear she may attack during my moment of peace! Well worth the time! I haven’t taken a bath, shit, or watched an adult television show alone in four years! The other day some ladies kid laid down in the middle of check out line and squirmed like a reptile. His mom reprimanded, completly flushed, overwhelmed, imbarrest and justified the behavior. I smiled, there is no justification nessesary, having a child is like having a caged monkey, they make no sense, they want out of there cages so they can eat, drink, shit, reick havock on their owners just to see how far they can push and still be cared for! The funny thing is as mothers we are pushed to the brink of insanity most days, and not only do we continue to care for our children but we unconditionally love and cherish our monkeys! Pregnancy for me was horrible, but it’s true, no one has a clue what is going on when that huge baby comes out of you like a national geographic episode! Props to the mothers who say they don’t struggle, even though we know you do, and cheers to the pregnant woman with their parenting guides and judgments, it’s your time to shine!!! Just make sure to get all your shinning in while you still have time to wash your hair!

Chris 3 years ago

Ali, I bet you look great and your man thinks you do too.

Chris 3 years ago

Ok so pissed myself laughing but as a first time dad to be im now crapping myself. The flowers and butterfly stories were scary enough now you drop this bombshell!

Ryan 3 years ago

We stopped doing our sons laundry when he turned 14. For the first little bit he complained, then he “punished” us by wearing dirty clothes all the time. Then he realized that girls exist, and appreciate guys that don’t smell like a locker room. Was never a problem after that.

Ryan 3 years ago

Reminds me of the time my wife’s $300 Mary Kay order came. She put the box in our room. Normally it goes up on the top shelf, but I wasn’t home, so she put it in our room, so I could take care of it when I got home. She put the kids down for a nap in their room, and then started doing housework. At some point they snuck from their room to our room and found the box. When my wife went into the room to clean it, she found 2 kids covered in makeup, along with the floor, the walls, the bed, the night stands, the clothes hamper, the clothes in the hamper. We are talking lipsticks, eye liners, fine powders, lotions, every container in the $300 order was empty and spread around the room.

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Thanks Meg. You bring up an excellent point. No one knows what other people have been through…. if I hadn’t been through some crazy shit in my life, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I do still struggle with anxiety, but I wouldn’t change it. Healthy or not, humor is my biggest coping mechanism 😉

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

I’m scared shitless of teenagers!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Thanks :-)

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Don’t worry! Don’t cry! You may feel worse when you first have the baby because of all of your hormones and the sleep deprivation, but I promise that you won’t be and your body will start to take shape again.

Don’t let that man make you feel like “he’s sick of you.” He’s probably damn lucky to have you!

trista 3 years ago

Parenthood is amazing. Everyone’s experience is different, I have a 15 month old boy and he’s wonderful. Sometimes I get frustrated, sometimes overwhelmed, but I am thankful for him every single day. Maybe having kids isn’t for you, that’s your decision, but don’t let some moms getting together to vent sway your mind.

Meg 3 years ago

I appreciate the kind words. Thank you.

As for some of the commenters on here, you seem like you have a thick skin, but all the same, don’t sweat ’em. Yes, it’s too bad some people can’t have children and yes, it’s too bad some of us have disabled children, but that doesn’t mean the world should have to walk on eggshells all the time or feel like they have to cater to our pain. Nor does it mean other people don’t have problems just because they have the things or life we wanted for ourselves. Life’s too short to be that angry. So, keep up the great work with writing and parenting!

Ali 3 years ago

Honestly, this blog just made me cry. I don’t want a saggy vagina or to not take a shower because my man will get sick of me.. Maybe. Idk. I still have 2 weeks of pregnancy left and honestly as true as this is, I think about it in a completely different way and I already hate how I look and feel, I don’t want to be worse when I’m not pregnant anymore..

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Oh geez – unsolicited advice is the worst to receive, but so easy to give. Congratulations to you, and I agree – the older they get, the more nervous I become!

Stephanie 3 years ago

Priceless! I love the canter nature of this post. I’m getting ready to have my first in a few weeks and being at my age (mid 30’s) I will embrace all the vomit, poopiness that childhood brings. But I could do without the frantic advice my friends are giving me right now. Babies are the easy part, when they talk back or throw tantrums or even crawl out of the window to see their 18 year old boyfriend when they are 13 those are the moments that are the tough part. But this post was priceless :)

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Little dudes are the best 😉

Don’t blame you for not wanting another after that 14.5 inch head though!!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Hahahahahahhahahahhaha, yes I agree!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Interesting… on one hand, I feel sad if the kids are distant from their parents. On the other hand, I feel happy that they have a loving caregiver like you!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

You have experienced the ultimate in unexpected parenting… I’m sorry about your son :-(

I agree – I def love them more than I knew I could.

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

I’m so sorry to hear about your fertility struggles. I have friends who went through that; in their lives, when times got tough with their kids, they felt like they weren’t allowed to think it was hard because they had wanted it for SO long and tried SO SO hard.

I just hope that, if you do encounter times that are tough to handle, you don’t feel guilty for feeling normal mom feelings just because of how hard you worked to put yourself in that situation… best of luck to you.

Amanda 3 years ago

I am 4 1/2 months pregnant and eternally grateful I found you! Not only are you of the wiser, you’re frickn’ hysterical. I haven’t belly laughed this hard in a long time, not just at this post, but pretty much ALL of them-
Keep it coming!
Amanda

Meg 3 years ago

It is very much both. Imagine the most difficult job in the world paired with the most rewarding job in the world. There you have it!

Meg 3 years ago

I’m sorry, but you don’t really know what to expect. You have an idea of what to expect. That is all. “Sleep well?” Try “sleep at all.” Trust me, a lot of what I “expected” when I was pregnant either didn’t happen at all, or if it did, it wasn’t in the way I thought it should have. I had a lot of goals and dreams for my child that I was expecting, too. But I admit I WAS naive to think everything was going to happen in the way I planned while pregnant; see my comment below for reference. Oh, but thank goodness you aren’t naive and already know everything to expect.

I do wish you best of luck, but keep in mind, you’re at the beginning of a life-long journey yourself and the only thing that’s going to remain constant is that it’s going to keep changing. I’m a single mom myself, and NONE of it is easy. I didn’t know what I was doing back then, and almost four years later, I’m not ashamed to admit sometimes I still don’t.

Meg 3 years ago

I liked this a lot, and chuckled because it was funny. But in a way, it also made me feel a little sad because you were nail-on-the-head, dead-on CORRECT. I had a normal pregnancy, and during delivery, my son suffered a very severe brain injury. The completely unexpected happened. During pregnancy, I was so focused on how things were absolutely going to be and how I was absolutely going to parent my son, I never bothered to stop and realize I didn’t control everything. I didn’t know what I was doing when I was pregnant, and frankly, most of the time, I don’t now. I am not at all the parent I ever imagined I would be, except for one thing: I still love my kiddo as much as I knew I always would. Hell, maybe even more.

Bonnie Riche’ 3 years ago

I came home from the store we lived in a cul de sack to find my 2yr old in a pair of panties and some plastic high heels and a purse walking down the street without a care in the world. I got her in the car drove home to find my husband and 3 yr old son sound asleep,she had pulled a chair over and unlocked the deadbolt and went for a stroll….

Bonnie Riche’ 3 years ago

Oh, I had forgotten when I was still pregnant I saw my Mother in Law fill my neices bottle with Coke. I told my Husband if I ever caught her doing that to our children I would never let her watch our kids …..well after 2 babies in 2 years I wouldn’t of cared if she gave them a drag off her Camel unfiltereds…..

Bonnie Riche’ 3 years ago

The first time I knew I had lost myself and was forever a Mommy was when I was looking at frozen hamburger meat and was rocking the buggy back and forth to sooth a baby that was at home with Daddy. Just for good measure I had a burp cloth over my shoulder…I was allowed to leave the house like that..

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

This is a great analogy. I don’t want the letter to deter people from having kids. I intended it to be funny for people who are in the midst of this stage of life who could relate.

I don’t need to get to the end of the “marathon” to see how much happier I am now. I look back on my pre-kids life and can’t believe how shallow of a person I was. I think all the time about what an empty life I had. I partied and drank and focused way too much on what I looked like, and I don’t miss that person at all.

Sarah W 3 years ago

That is exactly what I was thinking too!

Katrina 3 years ago

Ohhhh how I love this!!!! I know before I became a mama I was all like I will do this and that and not this or that.. its crazy how things change.. In reality your going to do what you can do to get through what it is you need to get through. I love my son with all my heart.. I cant believe how awesome yet challenging motherhood can be. And he is only 2. I do try hard to just enjoy the little silly thigns he does as long as he is not hurting himself. I know it wont be long and I will miss the heck out of these times.. DJB <3 my life!

Bella 3 years ago

I am 35 and had my daughter at 22, son at 26. The first of my friends to have a child was about 4 years ago and it is so funny, now that mine are older and I can actually do things again, watching them run around after their kids. 10 years ago it was always: ring ring “Hey lets go out tonight; come to the beach, meet you there in 20mins; lets get a coffee….” Only now do they understand just HOW MUCH preparation it takes to do something when you have children. I would need at least a week notice to find a babysitter and at least 2 hours to get the kids fed, sunscreened, dressed, packed for the beach etc but they just never got it. KARMA.

No idea what the Hell I’m in for… 3 years ago

I laughed my ass off at the article, and then cried a little when I realized that in about 6 months or less, I’m fucked. I knew that I didn’t know anything about anything pregnancy or baby-related, but now, I really KNOW.

I chuckled at some of the comments, cried a little more when people made it even more clear how truly fucked I am.

And then I get to this gem, and I sob, and I sob, because it made me realize how much of a dipshit my hubby is, and how fucked he is too. I only hope that my hubby comes to this kind of clarity after our baby has been here a while, but I’m not holding out much hope. Especially as he pouts beside me because I wouldn’t cook him chicken for supper as the smell of it sends my pregnant ass to the toilet for a good ol’ puke. For shame, the dipshit should be happy that I even bothered cooking after that nonsense, too damn spoiled. Like I said before, fucked, and he doesn’t even know it yet.

Honestly, I am trying not to complain about pregnancy thus far, as I’m truly blessed to even BE pregnant after battling infertility for 2 years. Yes I puked, yes I was nauseous and tired and I felt like my tits were going to explode if anything brushed up against them, but so many have it so much worse. I know it is going to get worse after this little slice of heaven called second trimester, so I’m saving the small amount of bitching that is acceptable from a pregnant woman for when I really need it. Yes, I will absolutely refuse to cook something that I have an aversion to, because why the fuck am I cooking food that a) is going to make me throw up b) I will not eat, and c) is going to turn me off to food for the rest of the night as the smell lingers in the air meanwhile, my belly aches with hunger. None of that makes me a whiny pregnant lady, does it? Lol, lady. Apparently with a sailor’s mouth that I’m going to have to learn to keep zipped once this little creature is born. Otherwise I will be the talk of daycare with my toddler’s “colourful language”, ha! 😉

Love, love, love the article. Also love the daddy version!! *tear* So sweet!

Tiphanie 3 years ago

Lol,,,the.pregnancy/newborn stuff sooo relatable!! Thankfully I have a helpful husband and a 2 and a 1/2 yr old daughter whose biggest mess was coloring on her walls with a washable crayon and who will sit and “read ” books for 20 min straight lol

Susan Nichelson 3 years ago

Wetting my pants as I read this and laughing! God Bless the weak bladder and old age inflicted on me!!!

Susan Nichelson 3 years ago

wetting my pants as I sit here laughing at all that is true!!!! God bless old age and a tired bladder with a mind of its own!!!!!

John B 3 years ago

Funny! As a guy, I was all set to laugh freely – none of it applies to me! oh wait, the child rearing does, as I well remember – but I would happily do that all over again (would need to be a few decades younger, of course…)

Couple of glitches – I think it’s a “mu-mu” not a “moo moo” however bovine the new mom may feel! And I don’t think it’s “tots” that karma is going to replace….

But HAH!

Julie Ghrist 3 years ago

Oh my… I LOVE this… thanks for the laugh. So funny b/c it is sooooo true :)

Amber 3 years ago

I feel exactly the same way. I was scared shitless of becoming a mom. My son’s sperm donor has never been in his life but I am now married to the greatest man that loves him like he is his own.
Anyway….The love you have for your children is indiscribible (sp?). It really does make up for all the sleepless nights, the times you have been pissed on, puked on, snotted on, and shit on. When your child climbs up in your lap and says “Mommy, I love you”, you will melt. I cannot imagine my life without his rotten ass. He makes my life worth something.

zoe 3 years ago

can i ask what your 2 1/2 was doing with access to scissors?? I may not be mum of the year but i make sure that stuff that can cause my child harm (ie scissors, knives, razorblades etc…) are completely out of reach.

Kerrie B 3 years ago

I am a grandmother of 2 (5 & 10)and 1 on the way and the mother of three, 34, 30 and 23…..I started early so I didn’t really have any expectations or ideas on how to parent just had what I saw and lived with my parents (and they were great parents)…… I have experienced most of what you all have. Yes there are fears, exhaustion & tears but above all I had the laughter and the love I wasn’t always the best mother but I gave it my best and that is all any of us can do in the end….parenting is the hardest job in the world and it’s also and more importantly the BEST job in the world. I wouldn’t change a thing even my mistakes because that’s how you learn!! Oh and the grandchildren, they are my life now but yes I do love the fact that I can send them home!!!

Chrys 3 years ago

“poison ivy, the state highway, and the power tools really don’t produce anything positive other than keeping our local ER in business.”

OMG, OMG… You are sooooo right!! Hahaha

Nancy 3 years ago

That was supposed to be in reply to Grandma. This blog made me laugh, and my oldest is 18, youngest is 10 with two in between.

Kathy 3 years ago

I have three boys under the age of 9, and I can say from LOTS of experience that boys are stupid. They may learn how to read, even becomes doctors, theologians, etc, but they are still just plain old stupid. They will do ANYTHING, things that my estrogen-soaked brain could never conceive on its own. I am constantly dumbfounded by their terrible judgment, and men keep telling me they never really get over their stupidity. They just change focus (slightly) from being stupid about their physical safety and the safety of others to being stupid about girls. I don’t know how boys survive childhood. It is simply and truly amazing to me that none of my children have died yet. A friend tells me that it’s good that boys are stupid because we need men to be able to storm castles, beaches, and other dangerous places. They need to be able to face danger and act anyway. I just wish that they would realize that storming the poison ivy, the state highway, and the power tools really don’t produce anything positive other than keeping our local ER in business.

Nancy 3 years ago

I will explain why I tended to shrug off my mom’s advice and seek out classes on stuff like breastfeeding. Love mom dearly, but she was born in the 20’s and her advice was very old fashioned. Here are a few of the more notable “parenting suggestions” I received:

“Don’t breastfeed. I couldn’t so you probably can’t either.”

“Don’t waste money on formula. We made our own with evaporated milk and corn syrup and your siblings turned out fine”.

“Why is that baby still being breastfed? You were on skim milk at 3 months old”

“Now that she is a year old, start potty training. She should be fully trained by 15 months. You were.

“Paper diapers (disposable) are for lazy mom’s”.

“Don’t use separate detergent. His skin will get used to Tide” (this child has food allergies and still at 16 horrible eczema that is made worse by detergent that is too harsh, he is probably the only one at high school whose mom still washes his “delicates” in Ivory Snow–just don’t tell anyone……….;)

I am glad I didn’t listen to my mom for help, but her child rearing ideas were just too different from mine.

Rachel Retro 3 years ago

I just love the parents that say ‘my child won’t have tantrums, etc’. Yep, good luck with that 😉

Alison Fisher 3 years ago

I’ve never had any children of my own- atleast not yet. But, I’ve been a surrogate mother/nanny for years. YES, there are women out there with the means who literally drop off their newborn with a paid professional. Shocking right? I’ve raised many children for the first two or three years of their lives. I arrive when they wake and leave when they drift off to sleep. Its been an amazing experience I would never trade for anything. I’ve seen my fair share of first steps and awe inspiring first words. There are many caregivers out there who aren’t birth parents and never recieve any of the credit but do everything and more than you’ve described in your endearing article. Just thought I’d bring that to light.

StaceyFacey 3 years ago

Oh my GAWD!!!
The first one had me in tears laughing- This one just brought on the waterworks.

Blissful *KISS* Youre amazing

StaceyFacey 3 years ago

GO GIRL!!!

Im High-fiving you!! Youre amazing and keep on keeping on!!

StaceyFacey 3 years ago

Kelly- Youre amazing..

It’s so true though. Its like the most fucked up beautiful blessing EVER.

Give it a shot and don’t say we didn’t warn you…

StaceyFacey 3 years ago

Thank you N.S.S.M..
I divulge-
I am a single mom of little dude age 2 and little chick age 3. Im single because my ‘hunny’ (I just puked a little in my mouth) wouldnt put his weed and video games down and commit to me and my kids.
I work 40+ hours a week and make enough to support us without their dad’s help. I have done everything for my little hooligans and will continue to do so while never striving for perfection.Sometimes, I forget to pack someones shoes when they go to daycare. The other day, I left little dude’s coat at home. I still love them enough to show them that I am strong enough to handle all their needs and mine- alone and happy.
When I started living with a little bit of grace toward myself, I learned that we can be so much happier because we have the life we create.
Good fricking luck with your ‘hunny’ and your fancy wedding. I hope all your dreams come true. Maybe you should read and see, my friend, that Karma is indeed The bitchiest of all bitches.

StaceyFacey 3 years ago

Jules, TRAVEL!!
Go drink fancy stuff somewhere- Traveling with kids is likely to make you want to jump off something really high onto something really solid…

Took my 1 and 3 year olds to San Fran and Salt Lake last year- they still hate me and I didnt get to do what a non-mom could.. just go..

Sarah 3 years ago

Absolutely hilarious!!

cherish 3 years ago

My son is six and a half, and I still can’t jump rope for fear of wetting myself! His 14 and a half inch head scared me away from having another child. So far anyway! He’s an awesome little dude though, so I forgive him lol

Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog 3 years ago

This is a letter to myself, so I was speaking for myself.

I did actually have a natural birth the second time, and I did do the “stereotypical” thing and screamed like a fucking nut. I guess I don’t have a high pain tolerance.

Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog 3 years ago

I used to work full time when my first was a baby and hated it. Now, I only have to work part time, and my mental status has definitely improved now that I get more time with my children; however, I have to say that my hat goes off to SAHM’s because it’s SO hard to be home all day and all night every day with no break.

Tara Forrester 3 years ago

I LOVE THIS!!!!!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog 3 years ago

Thanks for your comments. It does go so fast, and I was aware of it from the moment my first was born because everyone warned me. I tried to slow down time, but then when #2 came, it’s like 5 years passed in just half a year!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog 3 years ago

Laughter is the best medicine. I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. Glad I could help with a small bright spot.

Libby 3 years ago

Jamie and Shannon, you just made me tear up from laughing so hard. My twins are 6 mths old and I am terrified of what is to come. One just started crawling tonight in fact…time to batten down the hatches!

Also, Shannon, one thing to be happy about: at least he got all his snowstuff on and didn’t go outside with his pj’s on :)

Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog 3 years ago

OMG, never crossed my legs so much!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog 3 years ago

Lol, that might require me actually having figured out what I’m doing 😉

meg 3 years ago

hahahahaha at Kari

Meghan Dwyer 3 years ago

Oh my God… If I didn’t know for sure, I would have thought I’d writtent this. I love to write this way and may start thanks to you. People have told me I need to tone it down at bit, but really where’s the truth in that! This was so true and as a mother of 4, I can validate every little detail! I’m sure you’re a fantastic mom! Congrats. :) I look forward to reading more and sharing this.

Clip Snark 3 years ago

I second that!

Sharyn 3 years ago

Well said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stacy 3 years ago

Some people are just too serious – that being said, I loved this. As a mom with a 2nd child on the way, I can totally relate. I remember when I was pregnant with my 1st I picked up “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and was so freaked out by chapter 3 I never picked it up again. For all those who are going on about how SAHM’s have it easy – you have no idea. I’m only online because my daughter is napping and I’m sick with the flu. If I were feeling well dinner would be on the table, my house would be clean and I would have my daughter up and getting ready for bed. But, I’m human and can’t do it all. I admit I’m far from perfect. And I need my down time as much as anyone. For all those who feel judged, it’s just not worth letting others opinions get you down. For those of you who are judging, it’s your opinion and you’re entitled. That being said, there’s really no reason to get nasty on the comments section of a blog just meant to be lighthearted and amusing.

Barb bell 3 years ago

I am almost 60 years old…Three adult children and 10 grandchildren…I was a stay-at-home mom for 25 years and have been taking care of my grandchildren for 6 years as they come and my children head back to jobs…I laughed so hard I couldn’t read thru the tears…Well done…

Momma Brain 3 years ago

Everyday I spend with my baby I learn I was wrong about something else that I judged other mothers for. Turns out I’m not an all knowing mom guru. Who Knew. Awesome post

Diana 3 years ago

My reply appeared in the wrong place, inexplicably. SO….
“MEL” – to reiterate -WOW! AND you find time to share your amazing wonderfulness with all the less fortunate moms whose HUNNIES aren’t so fabulously terrific! You’re my new HEROine!!!

Diana 3 years ago

And you’re able to find time to share your amazing wonderfulness, with all of the less fortunate moms, whose hunnies AREN’T as fabulously terrific!! You’re my new HEROine.

Sharyn 3 years ago

I find the negative posts about this blog so disturbing. I found it funny and honest. I have 2 kids that are my life. Yes I am on the Internet instead of having a “teaching moment” or some other “quality” time. One kid is away at college and when she called my day got better. My other one is relaxing since finals are over and doing laundry (and that’s my 15 year old son). Even parents need some time to blog or Facebook and “decompress”. As for those of you who desperately want children and are having difficulty, I do know how you feel. I was there. I went through a total of 10 years of fertility before having the family that I have. Pregnancy was scary for me. Was this one going to last past the first 5 or 6 weeks? Then finally giving birth (21 hour labor and emergency c section) I had what I always dreamt about. A beautiful baby. Then what? No books, no articles, nothing could prepare me for what was ahead. My mom and mother in law were there. Not with a ton of advice tho. But there. My friends had all had kids since we started to try first but were the last to actually be successful. Still when it’s you and that baby it’s all gut instinct. This post did not sound miserable to me at all! Having a baby is not easy. Not on the body and on a marriage and not on your mind. I question myself wondering all the time if I did the right thing with regard to my kids. They are amazing people to be around. I love them so completely and with every ounce of my being. I didn’t sleep for years, had a reflux kid who spewed like a fountain and who is also on the mild end of the autism spectrum-he’s the one doing laundry right now. As parents we have been through a lot and yet until I am named mother of the year I will not tell someone how to parent their child. Being a parent is the best thing I have ever done but as parents do get sleep deprived and we do get upset having to clean up the play doh from the carpet or the nail polish or the poopy, pee pee, vomit off wherever the hell it ends up. But just cuz we r tired and sometimes want to cry doesn’t mean that it is not worth it. Would I go back and do it all over. Hell yes! After 21 years I have only one major complaint and no one can help me with it. How can I slow time down! It’s going too fast! This Has been the greatest whirlwind ride ever! My kids didn’t ruin my life any more than the author of this blogs’ children ruined hers. Trolls go away. You clearly are not parents or are so unhappy in your own life that you want to spread your misery to everyone else. Now, shoo, before someone drops a house on you!!!

Diana 3 years ago

I LOVE you.

Bee 3 years ago

I actually was one of those women that had to worry not only that my baby would survive, but that I would too. I had 3 months in the hospital to think about it everyday before giving birth to a preemie. I didn’t get to worry about “petty” things but I still found this humourous

louise 3 years ago

Baby years are the easy part, i now live with two teenagers. Now i am at the part where i am treated like an A.T.M. banking machine, i see rolled eyes to heaven every time i give an opinion, my fridge is always empty two days after doing a big food shop, i only get to see the back of their heads while they look into the fridge. They enter the house now, not with Hello, their first comment is usually “i m starving”. To get them to study is a nightmare, and i find myself saying things like “when i was your age” you start to feel old when you relize you do not know any of todays music, and when their friends look at you like your an ol one. The baby years, i d have them back in the blink of an eye. GOD help you all when they turn into teens. Good luck.

Diana 3 years ago

Tears streaming down face from laughing – WHAT a great site. Got to yours and am smiling ear to ear, and nodding KNOWINGLY!! LOL

Natalie 3 years ago

Bad. Ass. Totally true, every bit.

Kelly 3 years ago

He gets it! BEAUTIFUL and THANKS!

Kelly 3 years ago

My experience is that having one small child is like having one small child. Having two small children is like having ten. Mine are mostly grown and we feel the deep bonding of having been through hell and back together… (learning to cope with bullies at school, not getting the part in the play, broken hearts) it’s the best roller-coaster ride you’ll never recover from. Thanks for the walk down memory lane.

Kelly 3 years ago

You are brave to share that one! And very much appreciated!

Patricia 3 years ago

OMG! Thank you so fucking much for the laughs! In the midst of my divorce to a dipshit I still love dearly I cry everyday-until I read this! I don’t remember laughing this hard,and yes I did pee myself. Not ashamed to admit it.

Melissa 3 years ago

Love it! Especially the part about trying not to pee your pants…story of my life. When did sneezing become terrifying?

John Harlow 3 years ago

You left the fact that you’ll believe that you are really the first person to ever raise an infant, that your pediatrician will always be right (even when he/she says teething babies don’t run fevers) and that your relatives and parents (who by definition have raised at least one infant successfully) don’t know anything.

Terra 3 years ago

You poor momma’s, lol. I was one of the lucky ones whose baby always slept throught the night and didn’t cry (that came later like around 3 or so), but the most awful story came from my mother-in-law about my husband. She worked 12 hour nights for 20 years + and one morning while she was napping waiting for him to get up and start the day (he was about 2 or so), she says she must have fell actually asleep, what woke her up was little giggles coming from the kitchen and the odd sound of his little motorcycle big-wheel riding toy (!!!). Now up to that point he was notorious for the kitchen supplies dumping game, flour, sugar, ketchup so mom-in-law was on her feet only to be stopped dead in her tracks in the kitchen doorway. Already a rough and tumble boy, he had taken off his poopy diaper and had laid it open next to their round kitchen table, there he made his very own circular dirt track for his “bike”, lol. She said she was so disgusted but laughed so hard that she cried.

Not-so-super-mom 3 years ago

Ugh. Grammar/spelling mistakes and it won’t let me go back and edit. I’m not an idiot, I swear! LOL

Not-so-super-mom 3 years ago

Hear hear! My fiance (because that’s what grown women call the man they are engaged to be married to) and we also have 5 kids between us. Although we plan to get married eventually we couldn’t give less of a crap about how much the wedding will cost, other than it being as cheap as possible. We don’t even really see the need for a wedding, since we already own a house and kids together. He’s been married before, and I haven’t, so while I would like *something*, I don’t care about being a GD princess for a day anymore (I’m also pushing 40, and I think a middle-aged woman in a princess gown pretending to be fancy for 3 hours is a bit much anyway). What matters is our relationship, our commitment to each other and to the kids.

And I’m sorry, but if you stay home with your kids all day, then STFU and stop judging other moms who may NOT have it as together as you do. I’m lucky because I can do my job from home, and my kids are either grown up and out of the house, or they’re in school all day. But guess what? Sometimes laundry isn’t done, I don’t always have supper cooked because I’m working on a deadline, and sometimes my kid goes to school with a dirty face. Honey, if you had a job outside the house and had to get those kids ready AND get yourself ready for an office job and looking professional, on a tight schedule, you wouldn’t be so smug about being a “supermom”, trust us.

Lisa 3 years ago

Please, for the love of all that is good in the world, write a book titled “What the Fuck Do I Do with this Baby?” Dead serious. An advice book written in the amazing tone and humor you have… I would read the hell out of that book.

Kylie 3 years ago

This letter was fantastically entertaining! The comments that followed, however, made me wonder why such hostility toward first-time pregnant ladies… I mean, sure it’s “cute” that we have no idea what we’re doing yet, but it seems like everyone’s looking forward to seeing us fall flat on our faces. Can’t we get a little positive encouragement? I swear we’re not all uppity assbags…

Frida 3 years ago

LOVE LOVE your post! So funny and it brought me some comfort :)

Danielle 3 years ago

O I completely agree with you Kelly! With my first, I had to have the complete crib set, with the pajamas that matched the sheets and a hat that matched every outfit. Everything just had to be absolutely perfect! There are also well over 5 dozen pictures of our stay in the hospital (4 dozen still undevelped). Skip now to our 4th child who sleeps in her packing play because we just haven’t gotten a crib yet, has hand -me – downs from her 2 older sisters (well that is even if we got out, otherwise…. diapers anyone!?) and we only have a few pictures of her on our phone… It tooks me less than 3 weeks to get realistic that not only could our son (our first) even SEE how amazing his name brand clothing was, and his picture perfect nursery… that even if he could, he wouldn’t give a crap judging by the spit-up stained clothing and blow-outs on his sheets. Take a lesson new expectant mothers (although though it is fun preparing and getting things ready I admit) save your money! My son’s bedding was $400!!!!!! While I had a $20 comforter from walmart which I still use, and my son stopped using his bedding when he was 4… got $35 for it at a garage sale…. O… and don’t get me started on buying super nice couches or dishes… *sigh… I had nice things once…..

Candace Scott 3 years ago

I think I must have been the only person in existence that when people asked me “Oh I bet you just can’t wait to get that baby out of there!” I replied with a “No, she is MUCH easier to take care of while she’s in there!” Pregnancy was wonderful, uncomfortable, exciting, scary. Giving birth was much the same. But nothing had me quaking in my shoes so much as the idea of being “Mommy”. When she was 1, people warned me about the “terrible twos”, my response, “Terrible twos is not my fear, I’m still BIGGER than she is at two. It’s her TEENS that strike fear in my heart!” But for now she is nine, I’m still (barely) bigger than she is, and she lights up my world. If anything, I judge myself harder now than I ever did when I was pregnant. But only because she instills in me the desire to be the best I can be. Worrying about the little things during pregnancy and surviving them is just one more stripe you earn in the path of parenthood. To look back on yourself with derision, to mock those fears and worries, is unfair. Accept the experience, the feelings that went with them, stand up and be proud of your growth. :-)

Ericka 3 years ago

Use your imaginations everyone, I have 5 :) Two boys and three girls :)

AnnieG 3 years ago

This is great stuff! I have an eleven week old baby girl and I can honestly say I did stress about stupid stuff when I was pregnant. No one can prepare you for what happens after birth. Sleep while you can!

Amanda 3 years ago

Mb. Where are these studies you speak of? I have a 4 month old daughter and while yes I may be covered in spit up and only have had 3 good nights of sleep in those 4 months but I love every minute with my daughter. Some days are hard and yes I may get annoyed with my husband but that’s called marriage. And while we may be having less “couple time” than before and most of our conversations are about the baby, we are happier than ever because when my heart grew to totally encompass my daughter my love also grew for my husband. I would never say I am miserable and I don’t know any who are due to their children. But if you decide not to have kids that is your decision I just hope you don’t regret it when you are older.

Amy L 3 years ago

My son is three and knows what a period is. Because I had little to no bathroom breaks in those three years. Comes in handy though, I have a tampon-giver if I forget to bring one from under the sink to the toilet HA.

Charity Deleon 3 years ago

This post ROCKS!! I was laughing while shaking my head in agreement, as a mom of 7 I know this all too well.

connie 3 years ago

So my children were all little angels …not,from a very young age consisting of cereal spills, burns,climbing falls,biking accidents,then they started getting older and reallly lost their brain cells.Jumping off school roofs breaking bones hospitaal visits ..it goes on and on and my so called children are all grown up some with kids of thier own and I nstill get calls from the hosp.Good luck

Sandra 3 years ago

Oh soooo true! Thanks for looking inside my head an writing it down. Brings to mind a favourite song of mine “if I could turn back time” lol Great post xo

Candie 3 years ago

I laughed my head off when reading this…I am a mother of twins.. They are five now…I thought six months of bed rest was difficult…I might give a limb to be able to sit, eat and watch just about anything on tv..I was so concerned about baby announcements, room set up and believe me I had my opinions about parenting…as a teacher in my previous life, I have actually apologized to parents of previous students in the grocery store for knowing NOTHING about parenting!

meleah 3 years ago

Note to self: Never have kids. Problem solved!

Niamh 3 years ago

Oh this made me laugh – currently pregnant on my 3rd and one of my friends on her first. She wants to go to the beautician and have herself waxed, manicured and pedicured for birth. I pissed myself laughing and told her about the time on my second I had a bowel movement on the table and that the midwifes dont really care about her vags hairstyle. This is so true….she cried 3 weeks ago because she got a stretch mark – hello my belly is like a map to Mordor!!!!

Deborah 3 years ago

I never thought I would have a baby… I have lupus, rheumatoid arthritis and colitis and I am 44 and guess what I had on September 2nd?? My little girl… She is the best thing I have ever done in my life… Yes I am tired and I get cranky at times, I am also doing it on my own but you know it’s all worth it… When she smiles or laughs or just reaches or me my heart melts ( and people who know me know I’m not mushy or very lovey dovey but she brings out in me) I don’t think I have ever loved anybody the same or more then I love her … I have had days that I am so tired that I want to gouge my own eyes out but she is almost 5 months old and watching accomplish new things almost everyday and her sleeping more and longer even eating more at each sitting but each sitting is farther apart I can’t imagine ever not having her… I will be honest I didn’t enjoy being pregnant all that much… I found it stressful cuz I was always worried if she was moving enough etc… And then I was almost 2 weeks over due and had to be induced which started Saturday around noon and to make a long story short I had her Sunday at 6:44 pm so this last approx year has been quite the ride but the best ride I have ever been on :):)

Amanda 3 years ago

If I could I would go back and slap myself. Before I became pregnant I remember having conversations about bf and saying how anyone who doesnt or quits is “lazy”. I have a nutrition degree and thought I knew everything. I was only able to bf for 9 weeks. I had major problems from the getgo and after seeing 7 different lactation consultants then finding out my daughter has a milk allergy i had to stop.
Besides that I don’t think I was that judgemental. But I loved your post. Though I have found the people who are most judgmental are the ones who have no kids and are not yet pregnant, or the grandmas. I have been criticized many times by grandmas while at the store. I can’t wait for my sister in law to have kids, it’s going to be hilarious :)

Lottie 3 years ago

“I will never buy my child a Bratz Doll.” “My child will NEVER watch televison” “I will read diligently to my child every night.” My child won’t taste a drop of pop until they are 12.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I have done every single one of those things and now she’s ten and with my pre-parent judgment I would have thought she’d be in juvie by now. But no, in the big picture, they don’t mean a thing. She doesn’t dress like a hooker, spend hours in front of a TV, is not illiterate, and actually does make healthy food choices.

Alex 3 years ago

Actually, teens and preteens go through a process called synaptic pruning; the effects make it seem like they have lost common sense but it is a natural part of the developing brain.

This looks like a good paper about it : http://ai.stanford.edu/~gal/Papers/chechik_delsyn.pdf

Kari 3 years ago

I took castor oil to try and induce labor! I wasted some of my last days of freedom with horrible castor oil induced diarrhea which did nothing to induce labor anyway. Lol.

susan 3 years ago

I had a routine. I got my son up, fed him, put him in the playpen so I could get dressed for work. Then I would change him, dress him and leave for day care. I put him in the play pen. I got dressed for work. I came back to find that he had smeared poop over every square inch he could reach – inside and outside of the playpen and himself from head to toe. Did I mention that it was one of the mesh sided play pens?
I cried. I called into work. I changed him. I put the playpen in the shower because I couldn’t afford to buy another one and because I was afraid that the garbage men would not take it away if I tried to throw it away….

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

I commend you Katrina for taking classes and loving and caring about your children so much that you seek additional info. It shows dedication, not weakness. I only wish they had classes where I live in the boonies!

sue 3 years ago

omg i did look forward to going to the dentist. i just had to lie down and open my mouth and i had silence for almost a whole hour.

Tracy Myers 3 years ago

I am still laughing so hard, two of my children are grown and I look at the “new” mommies and think Oh boy you have a long road ahead! You have a fabulous sense of humor!! Thank you for the laugh keep letting all of us live through you.

Jen 3 years ago

So true!

shirley 3 years ago

my son just turned 2.5 and i could pull my hair out some days.
after i had his baby sister he decided one day to go outside without me .. i found the house to quite and wondered where he had went..well i look at my back door and its open….i panic and think he went further then he really did..after having a new born and a two yr old.. thats the day i went and bought the child safety door locks. but they only seemed to help for a little while…
then when his little sister was maybe 3months old he bolted out into the road while i put his sister in the car and almost got hit i caught him just in time.

Michele 3 years ago

wow! lol funniest thing I have read lately.. thank you. good stuff : ) I cant imagine a mom who wont appreciate that.

momof2 3 years ago

Awesome writing! Unlike many others, I found most friends & family un-judgy (or maybe kept their mouths shut). It was me with no idea.

I borrowed a library book when pregnant called ‘confident parenting’ but never read it cos I was so cocksure I’d be one. Baaaahaha! Should put down the preg books for 5 minutes & actually read the one about parenting, could sure use some tips!!

brandy 3 years ago

Oh my goodness I needed this today…I haven’t laughed this much since, well, since I was single and childless! Even the comments are funny (except for the haters, but whatcha gonna do?) I do love my boys, but I’ve often thought about taking them to North Africa to trade them for donkeys (my wonderful roommates arranged a trade for ME while we were travelling in college…I’m hoping little boys fetch the same going rate as college coeds, lol.) And I’m joking people. Mostly. 😉

Emma 3 years ago

That’s what you got out of this article? Seriously?
Look around. You’re clearly in the minority.

Manon 3 years ago

…and so much for keeping it light! :)

Emma 3 years ago

Wow, Manon. That wasn’t judgmental at all!

carla 3 years ago

I have 3 boys, 9, 12 and sixteen. All insane and wide opening. I’m NEVER amazed at what they do. I started out as the “perfect” preggo mom to be and then the perfect one child judgemental mom. Boy did karma get me! I will never forget the Xmas eve when the oldest (6 at the time) came into our bedroom at 230 in the morning hysterical that Santa was never coming back because of his 2 year old brother. We went to the living room to find that our little one had eaten santas cookies and them pooped on the floor next to the tree. It’s funny now but that night was a long bad night! However my oldest loves sharing that with all the 12 year old girls that like his brother!

Ray 3 years ago

I’ve locked myself in a closet on more then one occasion. My husband is a saint though…..I hear a “Honey, there’s a coffee out here for you when your ready”

Vanessa 3 years ago

SO GREAT!!! I wish I knew you in person!!!!!

Alicia Dupuis 3 years ago

Yes!! Seriously, that’s what my Y membership is for. I get to shower (for an hour) and then I take a nap on their couch (for another hour). It’s seriously worth every dime.

Alicia Dupuis 3 years ago

Oh, man! I have a friend who says that staying at home with babies and toddlers is really just being on suicide watch. Kiddos just have no idea!

Ray 3 years ago

Oh my goodness, what a good read, it’s nice real honest moms exist. I have 5. The oldest is 28 and the youngest is 13. Girl, boy, girl, boy, girl…..

My oldest was an avid painter…..and any of you who has/had a painter knows what I mean. Oh and get into stuff…..It didn’t matter what time you got up, she was up a half hour earlier…I suppose I could have opted not to sleep, but I didn’t think of that….. >_<

I can't tell you how many time I sat on the floor crying as I was scrubbing up the messes she made. Her diaper, her brothers diaper, flour, rice, sugar, any open able container, bag, and could she climb anything, only canned food was safe.

But she lived and so did I. I also never cursed my children (I was tempted) you know the mothers curse? My mom cursed me LOL I didn't have the heart to do it to them. My middle daughter was quite critical of my parenting, I enjoy it now though….she has two little boys hehehehehe She is a pretty good sport about it though and we both have a good laugh about their antics :)

Jessica Cobb (@DomesticPirate) 3 years ago

Oh, I was so the ‘We will never have a dvd player in the car’ mom, until I had more than 1 kid. When we bought our new car to accommodate baby #3 however, it was all I could do not to scream ‘shut up and take my money’ to the salesman when he started his upsale shpeal.

And I now take advantage of the childcare and showers at our local parks and rec facility. Oldest is in ballet, middle is playing in germland, youngest is napping at home with the husband and I get a sweet, solitary 5 minutes of mildly warm water.

Jennifer 3 years ago

Wow, your life sounds like shit.

Michelle W 3 years ago

yeah, in the hospital after the birth of my second child, all I really had on my mind was that sitz bath and would it be okay if I just sat there all day and night.

Michelle 3 years ago

My kids have actually been surprisingly well-behaved, not too much drama, until their teenage years.
My friend’s teenager had been acting out and I would say to myself, “thank goodness my kids aren’t that way, if they ever talked to me that way, I’d…wait, they would never talk like that.” Haha the joke is on me, they just weren’t at that stage yet, i would take the terrible twos over this anyday.

Cheri 3 years ago

My best friend is a 48 yr old man and he keeps telling me that it doesn’t ever end…they just stop letting Mom find out about the crazy things they do…

Val 3 years ago

I get one “day off”per year. I ask for it as a birthday present. It’s three months away, and I am fantasizing about it everyday. Incidentally, if you hear a story on the evening news about a woman by herself turning cartwheels down the aisle of the shopping mall on or around 4/17, that would be me.

Cheri 3 years ago

Just as horrifying…A Halloween that I was gawd-awful sick and still took my (then) 3 1/2 yr old and 1 1/2 yr old sons out with my husband and I to a friend’s wedding (the boys were the “ring-ghouls”) we left asap and my husband took the older boy and put him to bed and then started playing video games leaving me and younger one sleeping in the chair…I woke up to little hands on my knees and open my eyes to find that he had found the BLACK, GREASE lipstick in my coat pocket and had proceeded to color all over himself and the brand new beige Berber carpeting…

Annie 3 years ago

LOL Very funny and mostly true!
You have no idea what’s coming until the baby is really there. The only part I didn’t agree with, was the part about the book about natural birth. I had two kids with no epidural, it didn’t kill me :-) But yes, if you can find the manual for Baby that never sleeps or Baby that cries all the times, OMG, read it now!!!!! LOL

KKB 3 years ago

<3. Patrick, this Veteran Mom thanks the cosmos for dads like you. On behalf of wives and mothers everywhere, thank you for the kindness and understanding.

Faith 3 years ago

Omg, this was a riot! I was reading this and some of the other comments remembering the time my son, at 2 1/2, “painted” my daughter, then about 16 months, … with butt cream! That’s what I get for thinking they are playing nicely in one of the bedrooms. :)

KKB 3 years ago

Other studies show that while parents self-report less happiness *while* they are parenting, they look back on their 20s, 30s, and 40s with more satisfaction, and generally report feeling more “fulfilled”. Coming home from work to carpet shampoo maple syrup out of the stairs is far less fun than coming home from work to change clothes before your massage. Absolutely. But some pretty well-executed studies have demonstrated that in real time, people don’t always recognize what makes for long-term happiness. Think of it this way: Mile 21 of a marathon isn’t any runner’s most joyful moment. It sucks. You hurt. You’re tired. You smell bad. But it’s necessary in order to acquire the sense of accomplishment (and the accompanying joy) that you’ll be able to hold dear for years to come. Parenting’s like that. 2 A.M. with a sick, screaming toddler isn’t anyone’s idea of fun. It sucks. It hurts. You’re tired. Maybe you smell bad. But it’s part of the greater accomplishment of learning the art of real, true, unconditional love, and the joy that goes with it.

Knea 3 years ago

Yes, their common sense returns in their 20’s. I will never forget the first time my son said “mom, you were right”. It was one week after his son was born. ha ha ha

LBen 3 years ago

It’s meant to be funny. It is funny. But do you want parents to ignore the shit, throw-up, not sleeping, and everything else and tell you it’s going to be pure bliss? Would you rather not know? But if you’re going to be so cynical, do us all a favor and don’t have kids if you don’t want them. But please oh please get off the backs of everyone who does decide that kids are for them. I think we all deserve to express how we feel. And after you’ve been crapped upon several times that day, parenting probably does seem a little tiring. Lighten up.

Melie 3 years ago

I have 6 (all girls) my eldest is 15.5 then 13 yr old twins, 5.5, 4 and 1.5.. the eldest helps with the laundry and general house work and without her I’d be mental I am sure of it lol. I’m not the perfect mum but they are all alive and healthy so I am doing something right!

Melie 3 years ago

The beauty with the grandkids phase is you can give them back lol that was my mother’s fav saying. Enjoy them all, beautiful little treasures.

Melie 3 years ago

Oh that is so spot on.

Melie 3 years ago

Might I add for all those missunderstanding the humor and choose no to having kids… you are going to miss out on the amazing journey of a lifetime! I love all 6 of my little girls and would never change a thing.. except maybe… nah cant think of anything :)

jenn 3 years ago

That is hilarious, since mine (2 and 5) still go to the bathroom with me each time, mostly while fighting with each other up the stairs. I suppose that it is good that I have already explained what a period is, why they get it, when they will get it, and to enjoy life now without it. I get no privacy. If I ever do go by myself, the minute I sit down, the younger one starts screaming bloody murder while my older one shushes her. Two is plenty enough for me!

Melie 3 years ago

Oh what a hoot! I was a young mum also. My first girl was an angel, slept through the night from 5 weeks, walked n talked early, never had a bad moment really… then when she was 2.5 I had identical twins girls.. and lets just say O M G! They made up for any misconceptions having an angel first gave me on how “other” parents should do things.. they were hell on legs, had to padlock the fridge all cupboards, dead bolt front and backdoors at all times and sleep with one eye open.. When they were 7 we were surprised with news of our 4th daughter on the way, when she was 14 months daughter number 5 made like twins all over again.. then last shot at a boy gave us our 6th beautiful baby girl and thankfully another angel like the first. I miss full nights sleep, house staying clean n tidy for more than 5 secs and having a quiet convo without having any of the middle 4 come in screaming about something oh and baths without having at least one kid find the need to chat at that exact moment.. With 3 teens and 3 under 6 I believe I’ve mastered the art of multitasking.. not just actions, I can even hold 4 conversations simultaneously lol. After my 4th daughter sanity left a sad farewell note and loopy gave a warm welcome to the family. :)

Britney 3 years ago

You and me both Noelle!

Noelle 3 years ago

Thank you for scaring me into the best idea ive ever had. I just decided I will be childless for life. Thanks again!

Tamara 3 years ago

Wait until you have a full grown teenager that thinks you”re an idiot that’s never been in their shoes before. That you know nothing about being a teenager or life itself. So much fun! Even though you want to strangle what sense they do have out, you will love them through it.

Nadalie 3 years ago

best thing I’ve read in forever!!! LOVE IT! And oh so true! Will be sharing this one for sure!

Danielle 3 years ago

One of the best things I’ve ever read.

Lulu 3 years ago

Wicked funny! Although an epi-dural-free childbirth was never even discussed in my “birthing plan”. (Ha! “birthing plan” what a joke!!) As far as I know, no one gets a medal or trophy for childbirth without drugs. And for those of you without children questioning this blog asking, “Why would anyone want children? You make it sound frustrating, exhausting, and so complicated…blah blah blah” . Well, it’s because it is!! Duh!! And it’s the best thing you’ll ever do in your life. Worth every bit of puke, stress, worry etc. when look into your little ones eyes and they hug and kiss you and say “I love you Mommy”. It’s the best thing I could ever do and I wouldn’t change a thing. Have a kid if you’re ready and able. You’ll learn pretty quick. Don’t be so damn judgmental!

Anon 3 years ago

and once you have your baby, cherish it. Don’t throw it down your friends throats who may not have a baby yet, remember listen to everyone’s advice and pick and choose what you want to do with it.
You’re not a better human because you’re a mother, you’re a mother, congratulations.

jessie 3 years ago

I have to agree that they are made to harm themselves. I think i read or heard somewhere that the first five years you are just trying to keep them alive… i have one more year to go before my youngest is 5.

Andrea 3 years ago

Wow lighten up people it was meant to be FUNNY and that’s what it was, HILARIOUS. I have had FIVE natural births one at home with NO ONE ELSE present and for me it was the only way to birth. Each to their own but that’s not the point she was making IT’S FUNNY. Some people really need to work on their sense of humor!

Barbara 3 years ago

One of my daughter’s friends posted this on facebook and I had my morning smile.

The worst is young mothers who pass judgment on mothers of teenagers. “Oh, I’d never let my child do that”. So easy to say when you are effectively in control of your child’s every movement.

Just wait … just wait! Strap your seatbelts on ladies, the ride is about to get rough.

Cathy 3 years ago

These stories are amazing!

I have a 21-year old daughter and 19-year old son and have been a single parent for 19 years.

The disappearance of common sense with pubescent boys that does not return anytime soon is completely evident with my son. He has moments of ‘awareness’, but generally I just shake my head.

My late Mom had 13 children of which I’m the 12th. She raised 8 as a single Mom, working the nightshift and then taking evening classes for 3 years to get her Health Care Aide Diploma.

So, our beloved Nanny is my baseline when I feel overwhelmed, cuz I have only ever had 2 kids to handle!

This was a fun way to start my day in chilly Ottawa, Ontario Canada. Thanks for the stories and smiles.

Cathy!

Joanne 3 years ago

Beautiful, Patrick!

HR 3 years ago

Having read through most of the replies, I wanted to leave a comment to tell you how brilliant this is. Some people just don’t seem to get the light-heartedness of your post – I guess you either get the humour or you don’t. *shrug*
As someone that works extensively with 1-7 yr olds and their parents every day and as a thinking-about-it-soon-but-as-yet-not-a-mum, I think you’re all goddamn saints. Seriously. A bit mad, but still saints.

Ericka 3 years ago

And it only gets better when they become teenagers! But you are right – the love you feel makes it all worth it…

Patrick 3 years ago

Dear Expectant, Childless Father;
You think you’re tired now, dipshit? ha ha. HA HA HA HA HA.

You think you hate your job now? Wait until you’re the firewall between where you live now and your wife and child sleeping under a bridge somewhere, or worse, at your parents’ house. You’re going to hate that job that you drag your sleepless ass to like a junkie hates the needle, and you’re going to love it exactly as much.

Do you like your haircut? Enjoy it. You may never get another haircut you care about. You’re going to get haircuts the way college kids buy tires- When it’s impossible to move forward without one.

Like those jeans and those shoes? Fall in love with them. You won’t be buying clothes in double-digit sizes for about five years, except when you notice they’re selling bales of t-shirts for less than a box of babywipes at Wal-Mart, where you’ll be at 2am buying… babywipes.

You’re a guy, you lived in a dorm. You committed all kinds of crimes against your gut when you discovered ramen noodles and Milwaukee’s Best and pizza-cheaper-than-grass-clippings-night at Papa John’s. You think you know poop smell. You do not know poop smell. Oh, the symphony of poop smell in your future. You will become a connaisseur
of poop bouquet, texture and color. Astonishingly, you won’t mind.

Your “Buds,” your “Bros,” “The Guys”- go have one more late night with them. By late, I mean 9:30. Your wife is home pregnant, dipshit. You’re going to start worrying about her at 7:30, you’ll call her at 7:35, try to press on like a party warrior into the night, and then call her again at 8:00. Did I say 9:30? You’ll be home by 8:30 and you’ll feel sad and confused and NOT EVEN KNOW YOURSELF ANYMORE, MAN parking outside the house, then you’ll find her eating frozen cheesecake and dabbing away tears watching “Sixteen Candles” on NetFlix and you’ll press your ear against her belly and think “How did I get to be so lucky?”

And, about that: get used to this question: How did I get to be so lucky? You will look backwards down the Barton Fink-ish hallway (Oh, say goodbye to the Coen brothers. For that matter, forget movies without cartoon dogs or elephants in them even exist. Just let it go.) of your life and think “What did I do to deserve this amazing thing?”

Your new life is in there, rolling over, head-butting mommy’s bladder, resting up to pop out and Change Everything. You think you know what “Change Everything” means. You don’t. You are strapped to the front of a speeding locomotive called “50,000 of Human Evolution.” Brace yourself. You will laugh and cry more in the next year than you have in your entire life combined. You will see things on the news that confuse, astonish and anger you where you used to just see one or two people talking into a camera. You will notice other people’s children and find them beautiful, but trust me, you have never seen anyone so beautiful as mommy’s little backache sleeping in there.

Kiss mommy gently as she sleeps. You’re both going to be covered in poop, snot, vomit and piss soon enough, so enjoy each other, even if you’re not feeling particularly sexy.

Hold mommy’s hand as she’s falling asleep. She’ll tell you in a couple of years that she wondered those last few weeks if she might die in childbirth, but she didn’t tell you because she was worried she’d frighten you, too. DON’T BRING THIS UP NOW- if she thinks you’re thinking about it, then that’ll give those fears even more power in her mind. Just hold her hand. Even if you’re just looking at facebook on your laptop or watching Letterman- reach over and hold her hand. She’s got Big Fear she’s not talking about.

Did I already say to kiss her gently as she sleeps? Do it again. Maybe once more after that.

She’s about to give you so much.

Joanne 3 years ago

This is so damn true! Everyone has all the answers… until they’ve been there.
I would add to your list/advice: So you’re worried about privacy and being naked at the birth, with interns and assorted other personnel catching a glimpse of your ying-yang? Don’t worry – you won’t have a bath, shower, pee or poop for the next year without an infant audience. Instead of worrying, spend the time and energy practising how to “go” or shower with one leg extended to keep the baby seat rocking (*).

Also, read! Read like the wind Tonto! It may be two years before you have the time and energy to read more than the month’s summary paragraph from “What to expect now you’ve spawned” without falling asleep with your face in your spaghetti or blimp-sized boobs (*).

Also, forget your idea that things (non-sleeping infants, leaking orifices, hormones, your weight) sort themselves out by six weeks. For example, it may be three years before your kid sleeps through the night (*). And this might happen again with the second (*).

Great article – should be mandatory reading for moms-to-be!
(*) examples taken from actual, personal experience.

gin 3 years ago

All I can say now that my kids are grown is that god has rewarded me beyond belief with 5 grandkids that are amazing and if I’d known how fun they were I’d had them first LOL!

Lei 3 years ago

You hit the nail on the head LBen. …..And you too Kelli. Altho’ we’ve gotten into other subject matter here The bottom line in this whole message(blog/responses), is that you have no idea what is going on in one’s life. There are so many extenuating(sp?) circumstances at ANY given moment in an individual’s lifetime, any one ‘thing’, or experience can have SOME sort of impact on shaping a child’s behavior.(or a pregnant woman too for that matter) so kelli– I am caught up in skimming over this ‘happened-upon’ blog and I need to say–it is the fucking funniest shit I have read in awhile! I love a laugh out loud kinda read and this did it for me! I am an L/D nurse and work triage–and do you know how bad I want to make a copy to hang in each of our triage rooms! Even tho’ my first pregnancy to current parenting situtation(3 girls age 11, 10, 5) match almost nothing of how you felt/feel/describe—it remains some of the funniest shit (and truthful for many)! a good read! It’s F-ing hilarious people! and maybe alot of it has to do with my job and what I get to experience with SO MANY different women, that I can see how this story probably duplicates itself 1000 times over!!! Thanks Kelli for the laugh! Jesus!

Popsi 3 years ago

Remember nuns? This is why.

mb 3 years ago

you make me not want to have kids, i mean i want to in many ways, but i hear stuff like this all the time and it makes me feel like we are these animals that force ourselves to have kids without any clarity of thinking because it’s evolutionary instinct and we know no better but that in fact, it makes our lives so much more miserable. so many studies show how miserable parents become with the first child and then even more miserable with every succeeding child – i guess i try to be like everyone else and ignore it and believe that the love and moments of joy are worth all the sacrifice, but then i read something like this?

Lisa 3 years ago

At least you only had one that slipped out……I had twin 3 year olds that decided to get up in the middle of the night and go visit with the neighbours! That is when the eyehook was put on the inside of the screen door! They were affectionately known as the twins from hell! lol

maria 3 years ago

People tend to treat us like we are crazy but we are expecting our 3rd to arrive shortly after our first turns 3 and before our second turns 2. Being a mom is all of these hilarious things and so much more! I am so full of shortcomings but I think judging myself is what makes us good moms. I had 40 hrs of tortuous labor with baby 1 yet was surprised with an awesome delivery of baby 2 less than 18 months later. Both my babies cried non stop for months (4 & 6 month respectively). My kids are NOT perfect and we are NOT perfect parents, but it is by far the best job in the world. Each stage has so many challenges yet so many rewards (thus far anyway). I have a crazy messy house, I consider peeing alone a treat, if boots are on the right feet we are doing well, I figure if I can’t remember the last time I washed my hair its probably worth risking a 5 min shower, I live this everday yet love it. I know so many people who want children yet can’t have their own. We are so blessed to encounter all this crap, it means we are parents!

EmClementine 3 years ago

I think I feel more positive now with two, even though the second has been my more difficult child (boys, 3 and 15moths). However, I know that pretty much every ounce of my energy and positivity is from a prednisone boost I’m tapering off of. I asked my doctor if I could stay on 30mg every day for the rest of my life! I feel like superwoman!!
I go off the drugs in three days. Wish me and the kids luck, they’ll be the ones crying for a home cooked meal.

Tammy 3 years ago

It will all turn out well. ADD or ADHD, give them the love and support and they will find their way. Before the label, kids grew up and found their way. My ADHD daughter is doing amazingly well at 26 years, I’m so proud of her. P.S. It wasn’t easy for me OR HER!

Aimee 3 years ago

My theory is anything you said you’d “never” do, you are doing within the first two weeks.

Parenthood isn’t pretty, people.

ShannonVR 3 years ago

hahahaha, ahhh too funny! I was crying laughing, the best was “When the time actually comes, you won’t care if fecal matter ends up on the ceiling as long as they get that baby the hell out of you”. This was good!

Ammers 3 years ago

Omg I’m dying here laughing cause I did the same thing

Debbie 3 years ago

I tell everyone that “I knew EVERYTHING about being a parent……until I had my own kids” ha ha ha. Days are long and years are short :)

Jennifer Sassaman 3 years ago

omg.
you are from the lord!
I was trying not to wake the baby sleeping on my chest while I convulsed w/ silent laughter. especially about the dentist which really was a spa vacation for me (they kept asking if I wanted a magazine and i was like “just let me sit here and enjoy the silence please”) and the dipshit husband (well, boyfriend, and i will say he’s trying).
thank.you!

Jenn 3 years ago

The ONE thing I say when people tell me they’re pregnant–side note, when men say “WE’RE pregnant!” harf harf– is that I will never ever give them parenting advice unless they explicitly ask me. I tell them, this is YOUR baby, growing inside YOU. You already know more about this child (especially their sleep habits) than I will ever know. Go with your instinct, and tell all those so-called helpful friends that you will take their sage wisdom “under advisement”. I also mention that yes, their vagina will tighten up and it won’t be like feeding a tic tac to a whale when you’re getting busy. Because, you know, that fucking terrified me, and no one said anything.

JustMe 3 years ago

I have to admit I was one of those judgemental bitches telling my sisters what they were doing wrong what was the right/better thing do was. But I wasn’t even a mom myself. I know look back and regret every one of those things I said because now I’m the one having a baby and have no friends with babies and well no family left. Sometimes in life things are just better well… Kept to yourself and I realized that a little to late.

Lea 3 years ago

While I didn’t go through childbirth, I can totally tell you that this is so right. Sleep, what is that?

tracy 3 years ago

When I was pregnant with my first, my (male) friend said, “You’re not a parent until you have two. And two is not just double the work, it is exponential.” I don’t know much about exponents, but he was right!

Manon 3 years ago

I’m happy for you that the first went well, get back to us after your next one!!

Manon 3 years ago

I have 5 – the 2 youngest are still at home, 17 and 18 – all I can say is – good luck with that!! :)

JJ 3 years ago

When you know better, you do better. Isn’t that what they say? Be kind to your pre-baby self.
xxoo

Beth M 3 years ago

Thanks for the laughs! I am sorry to see that some didn’t quite grasp the light-heartedness with which this was intended. Obviously we all love our children…but do we want to throw ourselves a pity party sometimes? Absolutely. Do I wish that I did not have dried banana on my sweater right now? Of course. Is my house immaculate? Hell no. I have my supermom moments and I have giant failure moments. They fluctuate more than my bank account. But hey, at the end of the day, I scrape the spaghetti off of the couch and give thanks for the little munchkin as the best blessing in my life.

Andrea 3 years ago

This is funny; you either get it or you don’t.
Thanks for the laugh

Bren 3 years ago

Jules, did anyone warn you that 2 is exactly double what one is? I thought, oh one more, how hard can it be? It. is. exactly. double. the. work. Ha. Consider yourself informed. And good luck with baby #2 – it is twice the smiles, also.
P.S. Kristen: I can’t wait for my sister to have a baby if she ever falls into that trap. I will sit in the corner and sip my wine and try not to laugh out loud. I may burst into flames just thinking about that.

Katrina 3 years ago

Wow, that’s pretty mean. My mom is a great source of support and I don’t consider it against the law to listen to her. She stayed with me for two weeks after each of my kids was born and having her help was amazing. Unfortunately, she lives 8 hours away, and I don’t think it’s out of line to look for additional help and support in that situation. I think a lot of women today are in that situation.

Grandma C. 3 years ago

Parenting,nursing class?? Maybe if it weren’t against the LAW to listen to people who have actually DONE this hard stuff, like your PARENTS, you might have a clue or even some help!

Shawna 3 years ago

Wow,

nothing more true than this article at the moment trying to stay put and let my 2 1/2 mth old baby boy cry…which has got to be the hardest thing in the world but as many moms have told me he needs to cry i will now be following your blog because a laugh a day may keep me sane thank you for this and yes screw the breathing tips and natural birth books, i had no choice to go natural as happened so quick but knowing what to do when your baby cant poop or pukes excesivly,,,reflux baby i have been blessed with would be more helpful then breathing through labour!

thanks for some laughs…
and here i caave and cuddle my crying baby lol
how do i just let him cry???

just me 3 years ago

The only thing worse than a sanctimonious non-parent is a “sancti-mommy” and their “yooooooou’ll seeeeeeeeeee!”. If you want to encourage parents to support each other, how about start by not bashing dads and parents-to-be? Take your own advice.

Melanie 3 years ago

I would like to say that I didn’t act like that when I was pregnant with my first. I was enjoying my pregnancy so much that I have no idea if any of it applies to me. We all have these ideals about how perfect our children are going to be. Hearing my pregnant sister-in-law say that her kids will not have sugary drinks, or juice even, is laughable. At some point she will give her kid anything it wants just to shut it’s mouth for 5 minutes. I also have twins. I know these things. I enjoy your writing, keep it up.

Nova Scotian Mommy 3 years ago

(((STANDS UP AND APPLAUDS VERY, VERY LOUDLY))) This was BRILLIANT!!! :)

Stacey Butler 3 years ago

I don’t know how judgmental I was–probably WAY too much so but I refused to let having my first two kids slow me down. You want to talk about Karma? Try SPONTANEOUS (as in no fertility drugs) TRIPLETS. Says God Almighty, “There, that’ll settle her down”.

Stacey- mom of six with a smile of insanity that is frequently mistaken for contentment

Britney 3 years ago

This was funny but the more blog posts like this I read the more I have to think long and hard as to why I would want to have a child?
There seems to be this consistent undercurrent of frustration, exhaustion, envy of former without-kids life, strain on marriage, etc from new mom’s…at least from all the blogs I come across. Perhaps I have it wrong but I have to be honest that it definitely makes you debate the choice to dive into motherhood!

julie 3 years ago

oh wow that wad too funny! if only we had some sort of clue back then! loved the mention of breathing exercises after birth! I was glad I was crossing my legs while I read this!

Jen 3 years ago

Love this! I have a two year old ‘spirited’ little girl and am going to have another little girl (please dear god slightly more mellow) in a couple of months. Nothing can prepare you for actually being a parent. I was one of those ones who focused on ‘researching’ the pregnancy and labour so much that when they actually handed me my daughter I was like ‘wait a minute, what?’. Perhaps not that bad but still had no idea what I was in for.

And no matter how good your husband is you will still think they’re an asshole sometimes because you’re the one who just pushed (or had c-sectioned) out a baby and probably did a bit of damage to your lady bits and hasn’t slept in months and sleep isn’t on the table in the near future either. Plus you have crazy hormones and even if you lose all the weight (I did within a couple of months) your body will still never look the same. All the weight that was on my ass migrated to my hips lol. Anyway long story short I love my daughter more than anything in the world but I learned that judging when you have no frame of reference is moronic.

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Thanks for the compliment.

I know I will work out some day, but it’s not in the cards right now with my level of sleep deprivation. I am actually eating healthier than I ever have in my life and that helps.

Speaking of sleep deprivation… I need to quit the Internet and go to bed!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

:-( I’m sorry….

marlene 3 years ago

I had to work out and eat good along with it.yes some moms have to wean to lose the rest but I’m sure you look fabulous! your a good writer also! You gave me a good laugh!

The unlucky 3 years ago

You had the fortune and blessing to be able to carry a child. None of the rest matters.

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

I didn’t mean for the post to come off as kids are little life ruiners. They’re life changers for sure though, and like I said, it’s the love that balances it all out.

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

I’m SO jealous of your pregnancies! We want one more child, but I did struggle with the pregnancies. Maybe it’s because I’m so damn short and also short waisted and my first was 8lbs and my back couldn’t take it. You’re one of the legendary moms who actually loses weight while breastfeeding! I, for some reason, only could once I was done. We’ll see what happens this time because I’m still bf-ing….

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Lol, you probably really could write a book! I’m glad you found comfort in my spastic ways 😉

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

I suppose I was unique because I was born to college kids who worked it out and got married, but always, always made it clear how hard parenting was, so I was scared shitless.. apparently not during delivery though 😉

marlene 3 years ago

although it is well written I disagree! I thought pregnancy was a wonderful time and giving birth was amazing! I couldn’t wait to get pregnant again and its so not true that your body stays messed up! it took me about six months of eating right and working out and breastfeeding to lose the weight. every second was worth it! breastfeeding was also a wonderful experience after the first few months!

Katrina 3 years ago

Thanks for the honest response :)
I hear you on the folks who spend more time on labor prep than prepping to take care of a newborn. I may have fallen in that category myself 😉 I distinctly remember realizing during my ninth month that, although I planned to breastfeed, I had no idea how to actually do that. Thank goodness I found a class! And that the class was provided by a Breastfeeding Center that provided great support and parenting advice after my little one was born. I wonder if part of the reason we don’t prep to take care of our babies is that there’s this unreasonable expectation that every woman should just naturally know how to be a good mother. Maybe that’s why there seems to be this weird stigma around parenting classes too. Like you’re a bad parent if you take one.

Kate 3 years ago

This is absoloutley hilarious! And any mom can’t help but think mhmm, to each and every paragraph! Well done!! Great for a much needed laugh in the months following the arrival of the little people!! :)

Lips Mcgillicutty 3 years ago

I wonder if you’re referring to Jeni Decker. She’s amazing! This blog really reminds me of her candor and blatant reality. Love it! As for Super-mom…congratulations on being better than everyone else…or at least your hunny’s ex. *eye roll*

BB 3 years ago

I’m thinking troll. I’m also thinking, STFU.

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

I had my second at a birth center, and honestly am sometimes afraid to tell people because I’m judged that it’s not safe. My parenting confidence is a work in progress… There are a lot of circumstances that surrounded my choice, and in my situation, I actually felt it was safer to do the birth center versus hospital.

Comedy is a coping mechanism for me and many other people, so I’m sorry you feel that what I said is hurtful, but I love candid humor. I do truly believe, though, that many people I know spend more time & energy on labor prep than actually learning about taking care of their newborn.

Audry 3 years ago

Yup… Times like this I’m glad I can’t have kids. Little life ruiners that they are.

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

The truth is that it’s fucking nuts! For me, it’s been the craziest experience ever, like nothing you can describe. Like you love them more than you can describe or imagine, yet that doesn’t mean there aren’t times where you literally think you’re certifiable because they’ll push you to the brink. It’s like in a perfect world, our job would be to take care of our kids, and someone would take care of us, but that’s not life. We have bills, jobs, stress, and kids just add a whole new level to that. Luckily they’re so damn cute!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

I was insecure about having a natural birth, but I did it with my second child. I went to a birth center, and it was great. Still wanted to kill myself because of the pain, but once the baby’s there, the focus is on them and you quickly (kind of) forget.

Katrina Wilson 3 years ago

Thanks for this response to the previous poster. I appreciate that it was a letter to yourself, about judging people when preggo, but it’s also a letter you published now, and some of what you said about natural birth prep seemed really judgmental and hurtful.

I’m a mother of two, induced, epidural-ed the first, had my second at home. Natural birth was a fully informed choice and one I would make again. I do not consider the time I spent preparing for a natural birth a “waste.” I don’t judge women who make the choice to have their baby in the hospital and choose to have an epidural – seriously – I get it and I support that choice. I hear so many comments about natural birth vs. epidural that make me feel like a fool and a freak for my choices. I wish we could stop attacking each other over this.

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

So glad it’s not just me. I had #2 and was like, “wait!!! what do I do with him???” Well, I guess I had some knowledge of things and was more laid back but still, you forget a lot!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

haha, if only we appreciated it when we had it!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Oh I am way too much of a basket case to have a deployed husband. More power to you! I did, by the way, have a natural birth with #2 and it was barbaric lol!! Also, you just made me think, “ummm I haven’t taught my now 3 year old 911 – oops, should I? yikes!!”

Kat 3 years ago

This was brilliant, thank you for the laughs!! X

Ted 3 years ago

Bitch.

Erin 3 years ago

Wow, you paint such a lovely picture of parenting; why would anyone want kids?? All everyone does is complain about being parents and say how tired, stressed and busy they are with kids! But then you call them out on it and ask then why did you have them, then they turn to mush and say parenting is amazing….make up your minds and tell us the real truth!
Love,
childless

Kim Foster 3 years ago

I laughed so hard that my eyes were tearing…..my son is 21 years old, but I remember all of it like it was yesterday. The part about the breathing technique, I still tell people how it didn’t help at all…I begged for a c-section, which incidentally I got(not because I begged)!! The fecal matter on the table…by the time I was 14 hours into my pitocin induced labor, I couldn’t have cared if 50 people went marching through the delivery room door!! Thank you for writing this…..

Sarah 3 years ago

Well put! I couldnt agree with you more to be frank, every child is different and if you can pull your head out of your ass and see that people are trying…. get bent!

Sarah 3 years ago

I am sitting at work during a quiet day and was just about on the floor I was laughing so hard. It is so damn true! I have a precious 3 year old little girl and wouldn’t trade her for the world. But the judgements from people were astounding! I hear people complain on a regular basis how hard pregnacy is and they are first time parents with no way to imagine how difficult it is now. Well written and thanks!

Sydney Maher 3 years ago

It’s always interesting to see what buttons are pushed when reading through the “sarcasm.” Parenting isn’t as dire as all of this. Natural birth is absolutely possible. Mocking and derision tend to expose our insecurities more than they expose anything close to truth.

meghan 3 years ago

An uninterupted shower is the best part of the gym! I have been known to stay as long in the locker room as I did in the gym….best $40 per month one can spend :)

RG 3 years ago

Great article. While it all rings true, the thing is, I still didn’t learn. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation talking but when my first daughter was turning two I was thinking “Well at least now I know exactly what to do wth the second one.” Then my second daughter was born and I was all, “WTF??!? How can they be TOTALLY different? NOTHING that worked for the first one works on this one. That’s not fair!!!”

Lucy Smith 3 years ago

This has been a joy to read, especially other parents comments. I have laughed until tears were streaming down my face. So good for the soul. Could relate to all the flour, oil, eggs and the obligatory toilet paper – plumbers must love kids and throw in some pyromania. My daughter made Houdini look like an amateur and my son had a penchant for just creating havoc.

Mine are thankfully grown up now and we all survived the experience. Now it is their turn!! What I would like to know is why are they vile teenagers and as soon as they move out, they become human again?!

I had this fantasy when they were teenagers. One day I would go to their lovely homes. Revenge would be sweet. Open all windows / doors and make sure the air con / heater is on full blast, leave soggy wet towels under the bed together some lovely plates/bowls with leftovers to fester. Put empty milk cartons back in the fridge…. Oh the list goes on!

Thank you for making me laugh so much!

Julie 3 years ago

You have FIVE CHILDREN between the two of you and you’re saving money to get married? A marriage license is not that expensive, and I’m sorry. . .but if you’re saving for a big wedding with that many kids, it’s tacky as all hell.

I’m glad that you can “Do it all” and that you’re so much better than your “hunny’s” ex – but wow, you sound like a judgmental witch.

Bonnie 3 years ago

HA! I totally just peed myself with my sad little lack of bladder control! I LOvE my daughter. But my husband & I muddle through this adventure everyday. I will seriously burn any “how to rear a child ” books if anyone gives them to me. Because they are all total crap! Plus, I look at pictures. I used to be totally hot! LOL!

Jen 3 years ago

I have a 7 year old with high functioning autism and a 2 year old and holy cow!!! When my mother in law comes to visit. I freaking sleep. Its all I want to do. Haha but my hubby is deployed.

Having a child with special needs has taught me not to judge. I don’t know their story, their situation. I live my leashes. I have a monkey and a lion. But my girls love them, thank god. I also never was going to be that parent. Haha

So funny we cared about poop during delivery. I could’ve cared less during the actual delivery.

My hubby wants a boy, so a third. I told him no, not even if he can go thru the pg because Im the one raising them and dealing with police coming to my house because daughter called 911, now twice. Why do we teach this to our kids?

Oh and the stroller i bought is a keekaroo because it has a 75 lb limit. Haha

I actually laugh at my sisters (with no kids) that telling me that telling my child isnt good. Umm, ok. I was on that boat with my first

Im going to see if u have any more on your blog. You are awesome.

And to the people saying. Judging goes both ways. Yea, true but im to the point. I dont care. Not only do i not judge, i dont care if someone judges me or not.

If someone wants to go natural during whole labor than be my guest and Im just going to laugh my ass off while reading your status updates.

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Oh no! Sorry about that!

shasha 3 years ago

This is the best comment on this blog.
I support that being a parent is tough anf you have to pick your battles. However, I say that if you are at Walmart and your kid wants a toy and is mad you won’t get it for him and he spits in your face and you do nothing, YOU are the problem.
Period.

LeeAnne 3 years ago

It’s actually been proven that the portion of the brain that is “common sense” not only STOPS developing at the onset of puberty, but actually regresses.

Lori 3 years ago

Common sense leaves boys at puberty, as my mother so gleefully explained to me when I called in exasperation over my own son. He is now 24 and, on my mother`s schedule, is returning to normal brain function. Good luck!

Bri 3 years ago

I woke my baby that “sleeps when held” up from laughing so loud at the poop part!

Lisa Hollohan 3 years ago

I laughed and cried at how true this all is! So well said!!!!!!

Jamie 3 years ago

Yuck, oil and flour had to be awful to clean up. I’ve come close to crying too. It seems like the messes were always right when we were suppose to be heading to bed when I was completely exhausted. The last thing I wanted to do was clean them up.

Sarah K – Mom of 7 from PEI, Canada 3 years ago

HA. HA. HA! I loved this. Seriously, it made my entire year (and it’s only January). I have 4 biological children, and 3 step children. All full time, with neither of the “other parents” being involved. I thought I had gone through some crazy shit with my own kids, ie. vegetable oil on hardwood, soot from a cold fireplace all over my livingroom, 11kg bag of flour, 6 whole rolls of TP in the toilet, tub of vaseline all over my couch, all when they were 3 and under. THEN… my hubby and I moved in together, and I learned that my demon children who had had a revelation and turned into humans, could indeed have a reverse revelation when influenced by current demon step siblings. So, being as strict a parent as I am, it has improved incredibly, as his kids were lacking any and all forms of discipline in their lives. BUT – these are their ages and genders – boy(11), girl(6), girl(6), girl(5), girl(5), boy(4), and boy(2). That’s right… six between the ages of 2 and 6. I had an INSANELY EASY firstborn, at age 16. Now, at age 27, I’m mom to seven kids, and I have to set alarms to remind myself to put deodorant on, or to brush my teeth, or to remind myself to remind myself to remind myself that I have an appointment that I keep forgetting to remind myself about. LOL. I am in no way a “know-it-all” mom with advice for others… but I can definitely relate to this post, knowing that I was a “know-it-all” mom at age 16. I wish I could have given myself a heads up on the tiny little truth that all children are NOT the same. Easy first child DOES NOT mean easy second, or third, or seventh. We have three children (one mine, two his) who have behavioral and/or learning disorders… mine has ADHD and ODD(Oppositional Defiant Disorder) as well. We are in the process of assessment for his, but one big possibility is auditory processing disorder. So in other words, my “problem child” does shit that’s wrong, on purpose, and has no remorse… gets angry when punished, etc. These problems, if not addressed correctly, could easily lead to a life of drugs, crime, etc. His “problem children” are basically in a permanent “DUHHHH” state of mind. Lacking all forms of common sense. They don’t understand simple directions (“go put your coat and boots on please.” – “what?” – “coat and boots. On. Please.” – (blank stare)”coat and boots?” – “yes. Put them on please.” – (blank stare)”put them on?” – “yes.” – “oh.”

Anyways, when the 4 older kids started a new school this year, and the younger 3 kids started a new daycare as well, I forewarned all instructors/teachers/caregivers. I told them that we are a blended family with a lot of young children very close in age. If we missed a night(or three) of homework, forgot to sign forms, forgot a spoon in their lunchcans, missed a kid during hair brushing/styling routines, forgot to wash a face(or seven), that we were learning. I’m lucky to have a man in my life who is just as involved with our entire life as I am, who knows I’m a control freak who needs things done a certain way, so he does his best to make sure I’m happy while I am busy taking care of everyone else. Either way, as much as I miss lonely bathroom visits, I know that in a few years, I’m going to have two 15yr old girls and two 16yr old girls, all at the same time, and by then I plan on being rich enough (pffffttt) to have my own bathroom hideaway in a secret wall that no one knows about, so I don’t have to fight for the bathroom with any menstruating, makeup crazy, hormonal females (I had brothers).

Anyways, since I wrote a novel within the comments, I will finish with – This is an awesome piece of writing. I laughed out loud, and I found joy(sorry) in knowing that I’m not a spaz, that there are other mothers (obviously by reading comments!) who go through some pretty insane things, and still agree that it’s totally worth the “mommy brain” side effect. I love my children in ways I could never imagine describing… even if I have fleeting mental images of locking myself(or them) in a closet sometimes! Haha thanks for the read!!

Sharon 3 years ago

That is TOO funny !!!! Thanks for the laughs…oh ya and it’s all true!!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Yes, yes everyone’s time will come!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Sounds like you’re a laid back person, which might just be the most awesome way to parent. You could surprise yourself.

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

My husband does too. That doesn’t mean that when I’m sleep deprived, overworked, and anxious that I don’t think he’s a dip shit even if he isn’t being one… but sometimes he is being one and sometimes I am too. We’re only human :-)

Kylie 3 years ago

mmm, I think there is one thing worse than first time, know-it-all-parents…. parents who discount positivity with an ‘easy baby’

Shannon 3 years ago

Oh yeah… my oldest has ADD and I remember wondering what people were doing wrong that their kids wouldn’t listen. Um. Yeah. Now I have to actively make sure that my kid is tuned into me or he literally does not hear me! I also remember talking about how parents needed to accept a kid’s limits and not expect more than the kid could deliver in school — “some kids are just stupid!” (Yep, I’m heinous…) — and now I have an incredibly bright child who can’t learn the way most children do, because he can’t memorize.

Shannon 3 years ago

Search for gyms in your area and start calling around. The bigger the gym, the more likely they have childcare and that they take infants. The YMCA often does:)

I have gone and worked out for 30 minutes and then spent 90 in the locker room so I could shower, blow dry my hair smooth, do my make-up…

Shannon 3 years ago

OMG! At least mine put on his boots and coat first.

Donna 3 years ago

My son and daughter are grown now, each with a son and a daughter themselves. God Bless them and their spouses, I still remember how hard it was to have two kids 20 months apart. I remember the phone thing especially b/c it seemed like when I was on the phone it was *the only time* they desperately wanted to speak to me. “Mom, mom, mom, MOM, mom, MOM, MMMOOOMMM!”

mommynxtdoor 3 years ago

N StReMminG, your comment worries me, I have 2 boys (7 and 5) and 2 girls (3 and 6m) and was really hoping that things would get easier as they get older! I have this dream that my kids will be doing their own laundry in the next 5 years and cleaning their rooms without me having to scream at them. You just took away all my hope. Please pass that wine. 😉

Jen 3 years ago

I am pregnant with my first, and this is hilarious. I know I’m fucked. I am fully prepared to be one of the worst organized moms in history, due to the fact that I have never even changed a diaper in my life, my house has always looked like a bomb went off even when it was just me and my partner, and I can’t even read more than a chapter of any of the dozen baby books that people have given me before I want to watch reruns of Xfiles in Netflix, but some of my friends are pregnant right now, too, and they think they have all the answers, and it’s just precious.

Chrys 3 years ago

This is a really amazing post. Thanks for the laugh. 3 kids of my own now and tons of pregnant friends and family. Everyone’s so judge judge. I’m fat, my house is a mess, and my 6 year old daughter thinks when I potty is social time while she sits on the edge of the tub.
All I can say is I love my friends and family but they will gets theirs. Lol. Oh yes they will.

Chrys 3 years ago

Pfft!!!

My first pregnancy, I was all about how names were so important and can speak to a babies personality and such metaphysical babble and I’m not saying its not true. Buuuuttt, I wanted a balanced kid so I named after a demon and an angel. Yeah, I named him Damien micheal. (Spelling changed to protect mr not so innocent.) I was 18. My advice? Name your kid John. Lol

Millie 3 years ago

When my son was 2 1/2 we were in the middle of a ND winter with 6ft of snow on the ground. I thought it was safe to take a shower. As I was wrapping the towel around my body I hear the front door close. Well I knew it wasn’t his daddy home from work. I never got dry and dressed so fast in my life!!!!!! His idea of being ready to play in 6ft of snow when the temp read -16 was his diaper and snow boots!

Chrys 3 years ago

Where is this heaven? I mean, gym.

Chrys 3 years ago

Six or seven!?!?

I have a just 14 and a just 13 year old boy. These kids must get stupider as they get older. (Not to be mean, but…common sense has left our house and we are looking for sanity on a highway to he double hockey sticks.) they have intelligence so their standardized tests and grades say. But, seriously, who jumps off the roof???
Lol
Do they get their smarts all back at once when they hit adult? Or do they have them hidden under their beds or something?

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Geez, that’s annoying about the diapers! good tip though :-)

Amy 3 years ago

Haha this is great. Though I also agree with judgements from older people can be just as bad. I had a tired son one day while waiting for my mum to finish shopping. I’d been staying with her as my sciatica was pretty bad and I was nearing d day with number 2 and this old bat made comment about my son crying and screaming as he was strapped in the stroller. I ended up having a big argument with her.

Tash 3 years ago

Wish you wrote one to those who have gone through motherhood, Its amazing how much judgemental flack I copped from aunts and grandparents who had gone before me but I will agree what you said is soo spot on. :)

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Hell, even after having the one, I can’t say I knew what I was in for with 2!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Great tips! The cold hard truth is hard to hear, but sometimes, it’s exactly what we need.

SL 3 years ago

Every word of it true, lol! Thanks for the laughs!!

Liz 3 years ago

It sounds like you had more realistic expectations than most, which is good. But I also think it’s likely you have a relatively easy-going child. My first child was nightmarishly difficult, but if I had had my second first I would have felt the way you describe. Kids vary A LOT in how difficult they are.

Amy 3 years ago

Omg, you are explaining my son! My worst was a brand new bottle of Vegetable oil then a bag of flour dumped on top……on my 2 month old hard wood floors. He pushed a chair over to the pantry while I was caring for his younger sister. My only reaction at that point was to cry for he had already dumped everything else he could put his hands on for the day. I no longer stop any of my kids from transferring their drinks from one cup to the other needless to say……

Hilda Burke 3 years ago

Finally some truth! I hope they pay attention…no one really knows what they’re in for do they?
😉

jenn 3 years ago

I sent this to my girlfriends after having my first son –
The cold hard truth!
So there are a few thing I wished I known about giving birth and the afterwards. Thought I’d pass on the wisdom.

1 – Check your dignity at the door. Over the span of 5.5hrs I had 4 different people’s fingers inside me and was fully fisted by a triage nurse.

2 – After giving birth, you have little to no bladder control. The first pee is a little scary because you don’t know what to expect but it’s the best pee you’ll ever feel in your life. After that, don’t get all cocky thinking you can pee anytime you want! If you get up for some reason, pee! Even if you don’t think you have to, pee anyway. The next time, you might have to pee really badly and you might not make it! You can’t hold it in like you used to be able to! Wear throw away flip flops not your slippers like they tell you to!

3 – For home, make sure you have epsom salts (helps to heal stiches), ice packs (for stiches), lots of pads, LOTS of toilet paper, and most importantly vitamin D drops for the baby (if you are are soley nursing, they need them – ask the pharmacist)

4 – They will give you this squeeze bottle to help you clean your perinuem area (eek!) if you have stiches. Take it home with you! It will become your best friend.

5 – You’ll consider ‘accidentally’ slipping your foot out of the restraints and kicking your nurses in the face. I thought about it. They are helping though! Believe it or not. The bitchiest one will be the one who gets you through!

Lastly – 6 – PUSHING HURTS LIKE NOTHING YOU HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED BEFORE!!! But it’s totally worth it! When you see him come out and get to hold him for the first time, the pushing seems so long ago and you totally forget about the pain.

Try to stay at home as long as you can through your contractions. The hospital is very boring.

Shannon 3 years ago

YES! Find one your kids like the child care area, and you will still hate working out but LOVE the gym. Make sure you check the child care policies before you sign up, though — we had one that would page us to come do diaper changes because they weren’t allowed to. Doesn’t sound like a big deal until you have two in diapers and you’re getting pulled out of a pool to run out and change your baby!

Larks 3 years ago

Amen! Very true. And very funny. Looking back on pregnancy I wonder why I thought I knew so much better than everyone else. I mean, yeah, there are clearly a few train wreck parents running around in the world *cough, TLC shows, cough* but it’s not like anyone I’m actually friends with calls Mountain Dew “Go-go juice.” I should have been more humble and paid attention.

Azara 3 years ago

I LOVED this! So perfect!! I have no time or patience at all with judgmental people now. My son is a much easier baby than my daughter was, but I’m the same person, so it’s not because of anything I’m doing. If you think being a parent of small children is “just not that hard,” you are a fucking moron and should keep that thought to yourself. You don’t know what type of child someone else is dealing with, the state of their marriage, their finances, their own mental health, etc. Unless your name is spelled “God,” fuck off.

I also think people are more or less suited to parenting different ages. I knew I was going to have more trouble dealing with the challenges of small children than older ages going in, because of specific things I have trouble handling that are unique to a young child. Not enjoying the suffocation years doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. It’s for a lifetime, not just until school starts.

Shanan 3 years ago

My stepson slipped out of the house during the opening ceremony for Football season when he was 2. He was playing on his toy piano. I went to put some spaghetti noodles in the pot, turned around, and he was gone. I barely had time to say “Where’s Joseph?” when the doorbell rang. Our neighbors from across the street were there, holding Joseph. He had made it through the “baby-safe” door to the garage, the big garage door had been left open, and he bolted straight into the street. Fortunately, our neighbors were out front. They saw him, and they also saw the truck that was barreling around the corner, and one of our neighbors jumped out in the street and stopped him inches before Joseph was hit. That happened in way less time than it took me to write it all out here. They are desiged to try an kill themselves, and our sole purpose until they are about 6 or 7 is to keep them alive!!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Awesome perspective from a guy! Thanks for sharing!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Sweetheart – it was a letter to myself. I researched the HELL out of medication free births with my first child only to get an epidural. Then, with my second child, I said fuck the research and “labor prep”, and I did it without an epidural or any pain meds. Ironic…. also, the letter is about the fact that I was judging people when preggo, and karma has taught me some SERIOUS lessons. I try hard not to judge now, but I’m only human and sometimes we all fall victim to idiocracy…

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

L.O.L. sorry if I jinxed you!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

I’m so jealous that you never have to do it again! My husband wants 3. We are still in negotiations…

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Funny, I was just thinking about this today and wondering if I should join a gym for that reason!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

OH, my GOODNESS – so scary! My 2.5 year old also escaped once when I just had baby #2. He let himself out, but luckily I found him within 2 minutes of going out because I knew the house was too quiet… my heart has never dropped so far!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

I agree – brilliant 😉

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

OMG, I have SO many Franzia stories… why do the best stories come out over the cheapest alcohol. I suppose it’s a reflection of the state of my life at the time…

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Now I’m picturing a bunch of preggos with their jaws on the floor 😉

nothingbythebook 3 years ago

Brilliant. Really, nothing else can be said.

Meredith 3 years ago

Awesome! Getting loopy over a “box of Franzia’s finest”? You are comedic genius. Where were you during my last pregnancy when this letter was so, so needed for a few of my “friends”? Love it.

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms 3 years ago

There are not enough adjectives to describe this post, but here are a few – hilarious, truthful, fantastic! The irony is that the women who really need this information are still sitting in disbelief with their mouths hanging open. :) I am happy to spread this post! Ellen

Jason 3 years ago

I laughed I cried I wish every woman would read this. I pray that girls realize that their sweetheart has no clue about any thing she is going thru! I have an unusual view of the world for a man. My wife and I run a daycare and we were married 10 years before we had children. After 3 kids of our own and time on the frontline with other people’s kids I can say OMG! I didn’t know shit! I am so proud of my sister and many of the women I thought I could judge. Putting up with the bullshit of others while raising a child and babysitting their husband….. Wow how sad everyone can’t see wha a great person you are!

Laurel 3 years ago

Anyone find it hypocritical to bash those who research med free births, but the next sentence is telling you to not judge other moms? The judging needs to stop pre baby, not just after baby arrives. If I want to prepare myself for a med free delivery, that’s my perogative. If you want any and all meds as soon as you get out of triage, that’s yours! No biggie.

LBen 3 years ago

I haven’t had my first yet (just a handful of weeks along), but I’m so glad I saw this! I strive not to take myself too seriously, but I’m sure I have plenty of hard lessons to learn both during pregnancy and when Baby gets here! I do agree with another commenter- it’s about expectations and being realistic. I really enjoyed this, and am certainly passing it along to a friend or two.

LBen 3 years ago

I follow a blog of a mom who has autistic kids- and this is so true. There are tons of things that can cause a meltdown or tantrum in a kid. You never truly know why unless that child is yours. I don’t even have a child yet, and I can show parents that courtesy.

Shannon 3 years ago

My first decided to skip his nap (the one day in 5 years he decided he could do without it and not resort to spin his head 360 degrees while plotting the destruction of all mankind) one winter day. But rather than making noise like most, he just laid quietly for an hour, leading me to think it was safe to take a nap since his baby sister had kept me up all night teething. “Oh, I have a monitor, and they’re both sleeping…”

Yeah, I woke up to a knocking on the door by a neighbor from our apartment who found my 2 1/2 year old out playing in the snow by himself — he had gotten up, gotten dressed in his snow stuff, unlocked the back door, and slipped outside… 10 ft from our busy parking lot.

That was 7 years ago, and I don’t think I’ve actually SLEPT since.

Shannon 3 years ago

Oh, see I stick to the “make sure you work out.” thing. BECAUSE THE GYM HAS CHILDCARE FOR WHILE YOU SHOWER!!! I don’t have to wash my hair at 2 am, and I get time to condition it, too!

Laura J. 3 years ago

Just had my 1st child two and a half months ago. Wish I could’ve seen this before hand. Awesome!!!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog 3 years ago

I sincerely mean this… My hat goes off to anyone with twins or anyone with 4 kids or anyone with kids really close in age. You have all 3 plus 2 sets of twins???? You are my hero!

Andria S 3 years ago

Great post!! Now just imagine 2 sets of twins under the age of 2…. attempting to go to the bathroom in peace will eventually be possible right? whoever thought going to the store without 4 kids would be a mini vacation?? Thanks for the laugh.

Jules 3 years ago

Good one.

Jules 3 years ago

Except that those of us who are childless don’t all think that way. We enjoy our childless lives for what they are knowing that if we want kids, they’ll change. I just got married and am going to start trying soon and believe me, I’m going to enjoy the freedom while I can before my life changes exponentially.

Kelly 3 years ago

Good advice regarding the expectations. Although, I too felt much more positive when I had an 18 month old only child. I love my kids to death which is why parenting is so stressful because I put so much pressure on myself to be like super mom for them. I’m not super mom, but they know I love them. Hopefully the rest can be fixed with good therapy.

Jennifer 3 years ago

I guess this is funny in some ways, but I found it kind of sad too. We have an 18 month old and have really enjoyed parenting. I can’t complain about when we’ve had a sleepless night because I know someone once did it for me too. I didn’t go blind into parenthood, I knew there would be all sorts of stages, sleepless nights, tantrums and other things were all the things I was signing up for when I decided to be a parent in the first place, (maybe I had realistic expectations, I had myself prepared for everything being way harder than it has turned out to be.) At times I feel like we wish so badly for stages to pass that we end up missing out on parts of parenthood, and it goes so quickly. My biggest advise to new parents is just be realistic in what your expectations are and be prepared to roll with what comes your way.

Aileen 3 years ago

My 3 month old just puked on me as I was reading this.

N StReMmInG 3 years ago

That is stinking hilarious. I have 4 “precious” children, 2 girls (18 and 15) and 2 boys ( 13 and10) and as you can see am completely delusional. Wine is my neatest friend cause I really don’t have time for real people . Most of the time I feel like a bus driver the rest an ATM oh and a laundry mat .. Can’t remember the last time I saw the floor in the laundry room beginning to think there isn’t one . It’s just a bottomless out if dirty clothes! I say cherish those pukey sleepless nights at least at that age you can snuggle with them and they don’t make you want to throttle them cause they just don’t know when to shut the hell up! Ill take enfant over teen any day ! As for the boys .. Well I’m sure they are determined to do themselves in. My advice to any mum of boys .. Keep plenty of crazy glue on hand .. It will save you many a trip to emergency!!! New pregnant mums are hilarious … I snicker and say oh you are so cute you just have no idea do you. !!!! Amazed I have any tongue left when childless people or new mums give me rearing advise .. Pass the wine and lock the door!!! Cheers that was amazing writing thanks for saying what we all are thinking!!!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Good luck with #3!! I am still wondering “when” the baby will sleep so I can too…..

dad 3 years ago

women…

Lindsay 3 years ago

I remember with my first one thinking how awesome we were going to be and how helpful my husband was going to be because he came from SUCH a large family (there were 9) and how we had SOOOOOO many neices and nephews and he’d been changing diapers since he was 15. *Hangs head in shame* After about 3 weeks of getting up with the baby at night by myself and having no help from him after 10pm, I left. I took the baby and went to my parents house so that I could get some sleep. After one night he came up with the every other night rule where we each got one full night’s sleep.

Anyone who says “sleep when baby sleeps” clearly doesn’t understand the concept of “There are no clean clothes for ANY of us anymore” and “I can have a shower!!!!”

After baby number 2 came 20 months later, I was exhausted. But i wouldn’t trade the love i have for them for anything in the world. Even when they team up and act like tornados and hurricanes running through my house, climbing the entertainment centre and jumping off of things onto other things.

Baby number 3 is on the way and I am sitting here going “What the hell was I thinking? Oh that’s right NOTHING!!!” I try not to judge but it’s not always easy with ungrateful kids. That is my downfall. I was raised to say please and thank you and it irks me the kids that I know that just grab things from you and don’t say it knowing their parents were raised the same way and there is nothing wrong with them to not say it.

I am still learning as you can see lol

Venassa 3 years ago

I am dying laughing here. This is all so true. I look forward to my Monday dentist appointment because I think I might be able to doze off a little and get some rest. I wish I was kidding.

Jessica 3 years ago

If you end up having a c-section you will be praying for poop for weeks!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Mel – I’m not in the business of trying to change opinionated people’s minds, but I saw this article and thought it was appropriate to pass along. When I see a child “out of control,” I don’t know who to feel more sorry for the parent or the child because neither are in a good place in that moment. As this article points out, we also don’t know what is going on behind the scenes…

http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/10/24/be-careful-when-judging/

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Don’t forget about the part that gets you through it all – the love that you really can’t even fathom until you have it. It’s crazy… and amazing and totally worth it!

Kristen Brakeman 3 years ago

Fantastic post! Really funny and accurate. I remember looking back fondly at the 2 nights in the hospital when the nurses took the baby (2nd child) and took care of her while I slept or read magazines. It was like a hotel compared to home later. So many things I thought I’d never do I ended up doing/eating my words. My poor third child would be better off raised by gypsies she’s so neglected.

Janey M 3 years ago

Okay so this kind of makes me terrified to have children. Sounds like my body will be a wasteland. Yikes!

Margie 3 years ago

This made me laugh out loud! You have no idea about what you don’t know until you have a child. Only then do you realize you no absolutely nothing and just do the best you can everyday to raise a happy, healthy person whose love you can’t imagine not having in your life!!

Michelle 3 years ago

Ok then, let me be more clear. I found your original comment to be rude, judgmental and, frankly, a little dumb. I’m sure you’ll disregard this comment though, and continue giving yoursel the Mommy of the Year Award.

Mel 3 years ago

That’s because we aren’t married yet. We are in the process of saving for that but money’s tight. Yet another thing I’ve sacraficed for our kids. We give them what they need. When the times right and we have the money we will get married but until then it’s just a piece of paper. Our focus is on our kids first. I find it even more funny that out of all I said that is what you take outta my post. If you have kids you have to be committed to take care of them no matter what and teach them instead of having them run a muck. I am in the process now of teaching my daughter words, sounds, letters, etc and she’s a sponge. The more you focus on them the better and easier it will be. You can’t let your child run your life. You are the parent.

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Lol, I look back at how I had to have everything a certain way when #1 arrived, and here I am with an almost 5 month old baby #2 who still doesn’t have a room yet – so different!

Michelle 3 years ago

I tend to discount the opinion of someone who only refers to her husband as “hunny.”

mel 3 years ago

I find all this hilarious. I have two beautiful children and 3 step children. When I met my hunny I only had my son and he was 7. My hunny had 3 girls, 10, 6, and 3. We had another baby last year and had lots of complications during my pregnancy and I have even more after I had her but I look at my hunnys ex and she doesn’t compare to me. I am a supermom and I pride myself that way. I don’t work so I stay home with the kids but I can get everyone bathed and in matching clothes, out the door and still have a clean house. It’s not that hard and I can do it with 5 kids. I have my issues and everyone who knows me says they give me credit bc I do it all. My hunny is appreciative of everything I do which makes it easier to do. And I barely ask him for help with anything unless I can’t physically move. So being a parent is not that hard. It all depends on ur priorities. And mine are the kids come first and I come last. But my hunny always knows when to tel me to take a break. Everyone needs it sometimes. I do judge other moms especially when their kids are old enough to know better but that’s bc I pride myself in being a mom.

Barbara 3 years ago

Hilarious! You nailed it. Every women needs to read this before having their first kid. HA!

Melissa 3 years ago

Holy shit, LMAO, AMEN!

Sarah @ Activityhero 3 years ago

Amazing. I remember spending most of my first pregnancy making sure every onesie was founded just so and yelling at my husband for goodness knows what because he wasn’t ready for the baby. Well shit, neither one of us was. And all that effort I put into my three page typed birth plan was laughable at best. Thanks for sharing.

Pam 3 years ago

Hahaha! So true. I think the last time I thought I knew anything about parenting was definitely while I was pregnant!

Mary 3 years ago

Ha, I remember thinking the same about my visits to the dentist when my son was tiny and my daughter was 2 – so funny to think of it as quality Me time!!

Heidi Bryan 3 years ago

So true…I am an L&D Nurse on the weekends and a SAHM during the week. I have given many a patient the very same “pep talk.”

IMightBeTheProblem 3 years ago

I have a radical suggestion. Hear me out. It’s like Strangers on a Train but nobody dies. So here’s the thing…let’s all make a list of our friends who really really need to read this. The ones who are planning to have kids, but not yet. The same ones who talk about how we’ve changed and don’t want to go shopping for six hours on Saturdays anymore and then spend the night dancing. Those friends. And then we can all send the email addresses of these friends to one another, and everyone emails this link to someone else’s friend. Then all of our “Oh, I’ll never be THAT kind of mom” friends will get the information they need without ever needing know who really sent it. I believe this is what’s called a win-win. Needless to say, I know some people who NEED to read this.

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

I’m quite a hermit now that I have 2 little ones so I could use some more friends 😉

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Agreed Tracey. I have been judged a lot in my life, which has presented challenges at different times. Although it sucked at the time, it has allowed me the awareness to be more in tune when I start doing the same thing to people.

Amanda H 3 years ago

I absolutely love this post! I’m saving it for every person I know who announces a pregnancy. It all rings true – I was nodding with every sentence. Great writing, Kelly!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

My sister is a “parenting” expert by degree, but doesn’t have kids yet. I’m just happy that she’s been open minded enough to realize that real life is different than life inside a research study…

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

I know what you mean! BTW – I’ve suddenly come down with something today and am finding myself wishing tv was acceptable or effective for a 4 month old…… lol

Jules 3 years ago

LOL, Kristin!! That is so true!! I’m 9 mos pregnant with my second and didn’t realize how spoiled I was with my first! It’s not a handicap!

Mich_Bich 3 years ago

This was LOL funny.. I unfortunately had a great pregnancy but bad news from twelve weeks until thrity eight weeks.. So, uncertain of having a “normal” child or one with developmental delays kept me high stress the whole time pretty much. I gave birth via c-section much to my dismay after close-mindedly only wanting everything natural and picturing the perfect six hours of labor and three pushes later.. YEAH RIGHT!!! Three and a half days of being induced, fifteen hours of labor, an epidural at five cm later.. at 11:52 pm two weeks late.. Our monster arrived into this crazy world!! Wouldn’t trade her for a second, but holy cow.. NOTHING prepares you for the first year.. We’re on month sixteen and it gets a bit easier with time, but I can’t wait to NEVER do it again!!!

Mich_Bich 3 years ago

I was also the first out of my friends and the youngest.. So, of course I had no clue what I was doing.. I was young and dumb according to them.. And bx they all have nieces and nephews they all just knew everything. Yeah freakin right. Now two more of them have kids and guess who gets to say I told you so!!! I SOOOOO needed this right after I spawned my demon.. I love her to pieces, but what I wouldn’t give to have a couple do-overs!!!

Brandy 3 years ago

This had me laughing out loud. I used to judge mothers whose children were acting wild in public. Not my kids! Then I gave birth to a monkey that has just escaped from the zoo. My 2 year old will stay right by me, but no, my TEN YEAR OLD is the one who needs the baby leash. Thanks for showing the REAL picture of motherhood!

Lolthlorien 3 years ago

Wow this is so true I totally sent it to a friend of mine who is pregnant! LOL

Melissa 3 years ago

So perfectly written & so perfectly explained. Thank you thank you…THANK YOU for the laugh. Love it. Time to spread the word!

Lorraine 3 years ago

Wow! Our baby is about to be one on Sunday and I’ve been thinking about all the stuff I wanted to do the first year and didn’t realize I won’t have time to do until our beautiful, strong willed girl is away at college.
I wish I would have known how crazy it would be, but you are right, I never, EVER in my wildest dreams could imagine feeling love like this.
Our daughter has never used the nursery we so lovingly spent over a thousand dollars on, she sleeps between us.
This was perfect!
Thanks for sharing.

Ali 3 years ago

HOLY FREAKIN CRAP KELLY!!!!! I don’t know you, but I love you. I almost peed my pants laughing! You are a flippin literary genius. I just want to be your friend after reading this.

Kristen Mae 3 years ago

Karma is a BITCH, especially when it comes to child-rearing!! I used to be VERY irritated with people who ‘couldn’t control’ their kids. Now I have a little boy with a very frustrating case of ADHD. (As if ADHD is ever NOT frustrating.)

Okay, God. I got it. Don’t judge. Loud and clear. Thanks a ton.

tracey 3 years ago

Judging others in general is just something I try reallllly hard not to do anymore. Whether it be a mom of 20 years or a first time mom to be. I don’t know what they’re dealing with and I can’t spend the time to judge. I have my own issues to deal with!

itsme 3 years ago

Holy jesus. My sister is pregnant now and…she needs to read this.

J.M. 3 years ago

I laughed so hard the entire time I read this. I was the first to have a baby out of all my friends and the family members in my “age group”. I now have 4 kids. So when another parent says something to me about what I am doing or how they are acting I get frustrated. All my friends and some family are starting to catch up, finally. I have one friend who is on her very first baby, only about 14 wks into pregnancy and I swear she complains everyday. I want to bitch her out, instead I hold my tongue and just laugh, because I know she just doesnt have any idea whats to come.

Jamie 3 years ago

I don’t like to use the T.V., but sometimes it is needed. This particular time he seemed so entranced I thought I had nothing to worry about. It was like he was waiting for me to leave the room. I was very happy he didn’t hurt himself. I was beginning to wonder if I would have to start dragging him to the bathroom with me everytime.

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

haha, yes, I love when people tell me that the reason I don’t work out is because I haven’t made it a priority. I’m like, yea, you’re right, it’s not a priority – I’m just trying not to let the house catch on fire!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

oh man! I suppose you’re lucky that’s all that happened, and I’m lucky too because my 2 year old likes to do dangerous things when I go to put the baby down for a nap. I have needed the TV many times, but it doesn’t always work….

Kiran@Masalachica.com 3 years ago

I swear to God, I would go back and bitch slap the old me who ever thought I could judge a mom. I used to tell my mommy friends condescending things like

– “hey, make sure you workout! It will make you feel better! Oh, you don’t have time? Well wake up at 5 AM – before the kids do!”

When i saw kids acting up, I would just look at my husband and smile, knowing how lucky we would be with the angels we brought into the world. That we would just BE better parents.

And then my daughter came. Who I might as well have named Damien. And then my son came. And I should have just kept it easy and named his Damien 2.

Love this post!

Soni 3 years ago

Laughing my ass off – so thanks for that! I tried hard not to be a judgmental non-mom, but I can remember being irritated when I’d call my sister and my nephews would be hollering in the background, or asking her for something and I’d be all “shut those chickens up!!”. Karma is a bitch – I still can’t have a phone conversation without interruption and my kids are teenagers!! Well done.

Kate@ zMOMbie.com 3 years ago

The dentist part is so true! I find it so relaxing now. Although, I was never warned about increased likelihood of cavities when pregnant…as if things aren’t rough enough!

Jeni Kramer 3 years ago

Had I only known…
I would have been savoring those last few days instead of speed-waddling around the mall, stuffying my bloated face with spicy food, and (gah!) trying to have sex when I posess the agility of a manatee on Xanax, in an attempt to induce labor. I mean, good god, we went to a MOVIE in a THEATER the day before my due date! Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been to a movie? Seriously, do you? Because I can’t remember.

Jamie 3 years ago

Last winter my son went through a stage where everytime I turned around he was dumping something new on the floor. From what I remember we did cooking oil twice, nutmeg, and powder sugar. There may have been more. With the powder sugar I had left him for 2 minutes to go to the bathroom. He was watching T.V. and eating a cookie. He looked very content. I thought he would be fine. I came back and he had dumped one full bag of powder sugar on the floor and just started cutting open the second bag with a pair of scissors. He was only 2 1/2. Oh yeah, our vacuum cleaner bag was full and we didn’t have more.

Nikki 3 years ago

Kelly!! So excited to see your writing in the SM Society!!!!! Great post, loved it! :)

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

haha, we all do it! It burns me now when my friends who havent hit certain stages yet judge my frustration at those times…

Sarah 3 years ago

Oh YES. I feel a lot of guilt over the Judgy McJudgerson I once was towards other moms. Thought I was All That when my 8-month old was perfect and gave advice to everyone freely about ‘how kids are’ and how to parent. I hang my head in shame. Getting my kids out the door at all is a feat — and yes, they probably have food on their faces, mismatches clothes, missing items. I try not to judge any mom now (except maybe Octomom because, I mean, REALLY).

Kristin 3 years ago

My sisters are both pregnant with their first right now, my older sisters favorite thing to say when you ask her to do ANYTHING is to say she is busy…growing a baby. I *might* have told her to learn how to fucking multitask because this is the easiest pregnancy she will ever have.

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

hahaha! now that I have kids and have seen the light, I try SO hard not to judge older kids behavior because I now know that I’m just not at that stage yet!

lesbomom 3 years ago

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I love it. That was hilarious and one of the funniest things I have read in such a long time!!!!

Chrissy 3 years ago

omg!!! I almost died laughing! So very true! I have sat and watched while people made all these judgements on me while I was preggo- with all 3 of my wonderful… oh hell who am I kidding, all of my hellions. I sat back and laughed at my sister when she became pregnant, crying and moaning about how awful pregnancy was. All I said was “Just wait, you think it’s bad now..” The other day he go ahold of the flour… all over her kitchen, living room, and hallway… She sent me a picture, he was making snow angels in it, covered from head to toe. I still cant stop laughing.. paybacks a bitch!