Dear Amazon Prime: I F*cking Love You So Much

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Dear Amazon Prime,

I am counting down the minutes until I can be alone with you. My longing has turned into a deep desire, and I can’t contain myself. I got a love letter from you earlier, and I came unhinged. Those boots I’ve been coveting are on sale, and you took the time out of your busy schedule to let me know. You are so kind.

It’s almost time for the kids to be tucked in. I could open my computer now and find anything my heart desires through that sexy search bar of yours while they are still running through the hallway and sliding down the banister, but thinking about slithering out of my bra, and letting the girls loose before I pour a glass of my favorite red makes me swoon. I want to give you my full attention.

Amazon Prime, you are my love language. You are the best one-handed entertainment I’ve ever known.

You give me options and show me things I didn’t know I needed. I mean, if other customers bought a matching blender with their new shiny mixer, and all the necessary attachments that will surely turn them into the next Julia Child, then dammit, I must have it all too.

Your one-click option at checkout never ceases to amaze me. Who knew something could happen so fast and meet all of my needs?

Our relationship gives me special benefits, like an invitation to take advantage of your sales (even on Black Friday) earlier then anyone else can get their greasy little fingers on something sure to be sold out in an hour. You make me feel special and tingly in all the right places.

Let’s talk about your free two-day shipping — I mean, you had me at free, but the two-day part gets me slightly aroused. Knowing I only have to wait 48 hours to see that sexy cardboard box waiting on my front stoop is exciting. The fact I can make something happen that fast makes me feel like a dangerous woman. Not to mention your free two-hour delivery with Prime Now on select items like milk and eggs, is too good to be true. Are you for real? You have saved me from having to put on pants and run to the store more times than I can count.

You are always looking out for me and my mom brain. All I have to do is look up my past orders and see what I’ve already purchased just in case I forgot the name brand of my vitamins, the shade of my favorite concealer, or all the Minecraft handbooks my son already has. All I have to do is hit the “buy again” button, and you have instantly saved my sanity.

Your return policy is smoother than a fresh jar of Nutella. I remember the night I decided to order the over-the-knee boots, but when they got here I saw they were more trashy than classy. I just sent them right back after printing out the return label. Really, it was a rash decision, and you never held it against me.

Your streaming game is strong too. Where else can I go for unlimited entertainment like books, music, and videos? If I’m craving a heady read, you can help. If I want to hear a song that takes me back to the days of yesteryear, you don’t disappoint. Before I know it, I am in my kitchen dancing like I did back in my glory days of high school. After that charade, if I’m in the mood to binge-watch old episodes of the Golden Girls — bam — you deliver.

Some evenings, after a long trying day, I crave you, only you, and your hypnotizing ways. You are everything a woman could want: instant gratification, no strings attached, lots of variety, and if things don’t work out, you are so understanding it’s ridiculous. There is no pressure: You don’t care if I go days without reaching out, then devour your entire shoe section in an evening, or if I just want to lie and read with you.

Amazon Prime, you are so loyal and giving, and I love you for it.

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