Ask Scary Mommy is Scary Mommy’s advice column, where our team of “experts” answers all the questions you have about life, love, body image, friends, parenting, and anything else that’s confusing you.
This week: What do you do when you’d like your partner to put their finger on the right spot, but they’re (literally) not feeling it? Have your own questions? Email firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Scary Mommy,
So, this is a bit of a different ask, but I know you tackle sex topics on Scary Mommy and I know you’ll be straight up with me. Basically, I’ve discovered through trial and error that I really only have good orgasms when there’s a finger in my butt. My partner has made it abundantly clear that he’s not into butt stuff, so I haven’t had this conversation with him yet. Seeing as how I know that, it doesn’t feel right to just take his finger and shove it in there during the heat of the moment. But like, I really need something in my butt to have a good O, and sex isn’t as great without it. We’ve been together for nearly a year now, and plan on being together long term, so I need him to…put his finger in my butthole. How do I address this?
First, I need to give you a big “hell yeah!” for knowing what you want in the bedroom and not being afraid, or feeling like there’s something wrong with you — there isn’t. We all have preferences when it comes to ice cream flavors, and we all have different tastes in the bedroom.
Having an orgasm and feeling pleasure is a big part of your sex life. There’s no reason why you should be going through the motions and not climaxing. You don’t want that; it’s unfulfilling. And believe you me, your partner doesn’t want that either. It sounds like you are in a healthy, loving relationship with someone who cares about you and he wants you to feel pleasure while he is, ah, trying to pleasure you. After all, that’s a huge reason why we are intimate with our lovers.
Think of it this way: If there was something he really wanted you to do in the bedroom, or in life, to improve your relationship, I guarantee you’d want him to speak up about it. It doesn’t mean you’d have to agree or comply 100%, but you’d at least want to know so you can come to an agreement that would make you both happy, right?
Just because he’s said in the past he’s not into butt stuff, that doesn’t mean he’s not into your butt unless you two got into an in depth conversation about what exactly “butt stuff” means to him. Did he specifically say, “I’ll never go near your butt hole with any part of my body?” Or was it more of a passive, “I’m not into butt stuff?”
While he may not be into having anything in his butt, he may not be opposed to giving your chocolate cheerio a little rub, especially if he knows you need it in order to get off. Remember, he wants to please you.
What I’m saying is, you need to tell him this form of touching is what you need to orgasm and see how open he is. I agree you shouldn’t just lead his finger to your anus while you two are in the middle of the feather bed jig, because that’s not going to go well for anyone.
However, having a talk with him doesn’t have to be scary either. Start by asking him his wildest fantasy, then tell him what yours is. You could also send him an article about different forms of sex and foreplay and tell him you’d like to try more anal play.
It’s important to keep in mind he doesn’t have to touch your anus if he isn’t comfortable. How about a toy especially designed for the anus? (Make sure there is a base at the end, because our bums like to suck things up and you don’t want this to end in the emergency room.)
There are many to choose from and the two of you could pick one out together. That way, he can tantalize your back door without having to touch it, and you can get that amazing orgasm you deserve. And hey, I say it’s pretty hot when a woman takes charge in the bedroom. You could always whip out your anal toy and insert it yourself before oral sex or intercourse and he wouldn’t have to do a damn thing. How’s that for taking care of number one?
Whatever you do, it’s important to communicate with him about what you need in the bedroom. He wants to know, he wants to please you, and he doesn’t want to be left in the dark any more than you want to keep being intimate and not having delicious orgasms. Open your mouth (and your bum hole) and I promise, it will be a win-win for both of you.
This article was originally published on