Comedy legends like Joan Rivers, Wanda Sykes, Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, and so many others figured out a secret a long time ago: The great equalizer in comedy is to find the humor in the mundane and everyday shared experiences. That’s when comedy becomes a universal language. Activities like going to the dentist, doing your taxes, and watching your plumber (and their plumber’s crack) in action are comedy gold. Hey, we’ve all been there — that’s why it’s funny.
Another such example of a tedious and soul-sucking activity is going to the bank. The long lines, the outdated technology, the chain-anchored pens perpetually missing ink…it’s a journey. This is why bank jokes and puns are so darn enjoyable and silly. Sure, accountant jokes and money puns can scratch the itch sometimes, but there’s something about a good loanshark quip that hits the spot just right. So with that in mind, we rounded up the corniest, most ridiculous bank jokes even your teller would giggle at.
- Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.
- What did the football coach say when he went to the bank?
“I want my quarterback!”
- Why did the teller lose his job at the bank?
An old lady asked him to check her balance so he tipped her over.
- Why did the skeleton not rob the bank?
He did not have the guts.
- If you have no interest in banking
You are not a loan.
- Why was the woodchopper arrested at the bank?
He walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling, and shouted, “This is a stickup!”
- If money talks, why do we need bank tellers?
- When does it rain money?
When there is a “change” in the weather.
- What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?
This is a stand-up.
- A naked man robbed a bank.
Nobody could remember his face.
- A basketball player and a horse jockey just robbed the bank.
Police are looking high and low for the culprits.
- Why did the bank owner buy cows?
To beef up security.
- What do you call a man with a head full of change?
- Where do fish keep their money?
In the riverbank.
- People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
- What did the recluse say to the bank teller when he needed money?
“Leave me a loan.”
- Why are Irish bankers so successful?
Because their capital’s always Dublin.
- Why is a river rich?
Because it has two banks.
- Why do goalkeepers have so much money in the bank?
They’re really good at saving.
- My dad always said to me, “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number” so I did.
Account balance: $9.11.
- I used to have an account with a bank at the North Pole.
They froze all my assets.
- What did the nut say when it held up the bank?
“Give me all the cashew have!”
- What do you call when you cross a banker and a fish?
A loan shark.
- Why did the old man take raisins to the bank?
He wanted to set up a current account.
- If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
- A criminal robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors.
But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.
Luckily the judge was lenient, as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.
- My uncle always told me he had a fortune in a safe deposit box.
He left me the key in his will.
I went to the bank, trembling with anticipation, got access to the box, took it into the private viewing room.
I opened the box and looked in, there was an envelope inside, when I opened it, a folded piece of paper fell out.
I read it, and it said: “Good things are ahead for you. Your lucky numbers are 6, 10, and 13.”
- Why did the little old lady put her money in the freezer?
She wanted cold, hard cash.
- I quit my job at the bank today.
I guess you can say I lost interest.
- The bank must really like me.
They keep telling me that my loan is outstanding.
- Why did the tightrope walker go to the bank?
To check his balance.
- Did you hear about the gold digger?
They enjoy leisurely romantic strolls over to the Bank of America.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t have a bank account.
He just tells the bank how much money he needs.
- What did the bank teller say to the patron?
“Bank you very much.”
- What’s the hardest part about being addicted to banking?
- What did the tree do when the bank closed?
Started its own branch.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist,
He won’t expect it back.
- Why did the banker die?
He cashed out.
- Sign above bank teller’s station: “To err is human,
to forgive is not bank policy.”
- What do fish use for money?
- I went to the bank to apply for a personal loan.
Then they found out I wanted to be a rapper. So they didn’t want to Post Malone.
- What do you call a boy named John who has a lot of money?