The Basic Things That Become Super Sexy After You Have Kids

by A. Rochaun
Originally Published: 

In the early days, relationships are simple. Or at least it was for us. Our relationship was long distance for years. We were there for each other through the hilarity of learning to drive — yea, we were late bloomers — and even our first jobs. We might have been poor as hell, but one thing we never struggled with was intimacy and romance.

But when we had kids a few years later, things got tough. I’ve heard plenty of couples share similar stories of hot and steamy pre-kid sex lives that have crashed and burned as their family grew.

It seems if you’re not careful and intentional, you’ll watch as one-on-one intimacy evaporates completely.

TLDR: sexy makes kids, but kids kill sexy.

The good news though, is that kids don’t need to kill sexy because a shortage of child-free moments has had an unintended effect on the way I see my partner. We’ve been married for half a decade and our thresholds for sexy have significantly decreased. Here are a few things that are suddenly sexy when you’re married with kids:

When they make dinner for you — and then feed the kids

Is there anything better than coming home to a hot meal after a long day’s work? Yes! I’ll tell you what’s better. Being at home all day with the children and having a partner who comes home and feeds the children for you.

It’s enough to make you “lose it” — in a good way.

A well-deserved apology

A lot of us have committed our lives to some stubborn individuals. I’m one of those people. We’re both bullheaded. I never back down from a fight. As a result, it’s rare that one of us directly apologizes when we’re wrong. But few things cause a tingle in my nether region like when my partner is up front and admits that he was wrong or misperceived a situation. Bottom line: maturity is sexy.

Planning Date Night

There are a lot of criticisms on the interwebs about how one partner is more likely to make an effort to plan dates in another. I won’t point any fingers about who that person is in my relationship, but I will say it’s not me. When McHub takes the time to schedule and plan dates for us it reminds me that he sees value in me even though he’s been with me a long time. Which, of course, gives me a reason to jump on him later.

Encouraging a break

It warms my heart when my husband takes the time to consider how much I’ve had to deal with while in mom mode and uses it as an opportunity to suggest I hang out with friends. The support and understanding I need access to a healthy social life make me feel considered and loved.

Checking in on our day

Being home with the kids drives me absolutely nuts some days. And there are plenty of times when I feel like my husband takes for granted just how difficult it is to keep my sanity and my job while full-time mothering. But lately, he’s been showing intentional effort to check in and see how my day has gone with the kids. Don’t get me wrong, they still drive me batshit bonkers. But knowing he cares about whether they’re stressing me out makes me feel a tad bit better.

Playing with the kids

I do most of the groundwork of child maintenance during the day. And unfortunately, they still expect the world from me — even when Dad comes home. The days when he comes home and he’s visibly tired but still takes a moment to interact and play with the children make me so proud to have chosen him as a partner.


Do I really have to explain this one? Who doesn’t love a good round of consensual touching?

When they initiate relationship “check-ins”

I have a lot of free time so I think about our relationship a lot. That causes me to ask lots of questions and conduct relationships “State of the Unions” to check in and see how we can improve.

But on the rare occasion he takes the time to ask the questions and initiate the relationship maintenance, I feel great. And frisky as hell.

Taking candid photos of us with the kids

Remembering that I want to be included in family photos doesn’t happen as frequently as I would like. But when he takes the time to take pictures of me with the kids without being prompted, it makes me smile.

Knowing they’re in it for the long haul

By far one of the sexiest non-sexual things I have experienced while married with kids is the reassurance that he’s in it for the long run. Getting married young is hard; having kids young is harder. Naturally, we have hard times. But the fact that he makes a daily intentional commitment to be here with us makes me love him more than anything.

As weird as it sounds, finding more non-sexual things sexy leaves me with a lot more non-traditional aphrodisiacs than I would have ever expected. Who says romance dies when you’re married with kids? You just gotta be creative and learn to listen and look for the new signs.

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