Sometimes when we’re peeved, our minds can go to some pretty dark places. If you can dig up some humor while you’re there, you’ll feel much better! We’ve compiled a list of over 35 good roasts and comebacks to mutter under your breath the next time someone pisses you off. Repeat as many times as you need until you no longer give AF.
Better yet, why wait until confrontation arises to get a whirl out of these? There’s no better roast than a roast between good friends, and this is most definitely a list from which you can bounce off each other. And if there’s no friends available, you can always pull up a chair and get practicing for your special appearance on an episode of Comedy Central Roast. A girl can dream, right?
There’s one for every situation. There’s one for the kids who just won’t put their crap away. There’s one for the dude who keeps hitting on you and refusing to get the message. There’s one for the coworker who drives you crazy. Just take your pick and get roasting.
Reminder: while we all need to blow off steam from time to time (moms especially!), bullying or being mean isn’t cool. Save these roasting jokes and comebacks for the privacy of your own home, or for people who’ll understand that they’re just that – jokes. After all, their hilarity will be much better appreciated that way!
Read on to learn some of the best roasts and insults that will get you through a day where you don’t feel like being as sweet as a Georgia peach.
1. Your baby is so ugly, you should have thrown it away and kept the stork.
2. You’re a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
3. If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.
4. You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
5. Light travels faster than sound which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
6. We were happily married for one month, but unfortunately we’ve been married for 10 years.
7. Your kid is so ugly, he makes his Happy Meal cry.
8. Child, you have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
9. Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
10. I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
11. You’d think this baby was born on the highway since that’s where accidents happen.
12. I only take you everywhere I go just so I don’t have to kiss you goodbye.
13. Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with personality.
14. Our kid must have gotten his brain from you! I still have mine.
15. Your face makes onions cry.
16. The only way my husband would ever get hurt during an activity is if the TV exploded.
17. You look so pretty. Not at all gross, today.
18. It’s impossible to underestimate you.
19. Her teeth were so bad she could eat an apple through a fence.
20. I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
21. Did you get a fine for littering when you dropped your baby off at daycare?
22. Keep rolling your eyes, you might eventually find a brain.
23. To teenage daughter: “Learn from my mistakes. Use birth control.”
24. You bring everyone so much joy, when you leave the room.
25. I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
26. Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.
27. You are the human version of period cramps.
28. If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
29. You are like a cloud. When you disappear it’s a beautiful day.
30. I’d rather treat my baby’s diaper rash than have lunch with you.
31. Don’t worry, the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.
32. I may love to shop but I will never buy your bull.
33. I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
34. Your face is just fine but we’ll have to put a bag over that personality.
35. I’m not a nerd, I’m just smarter than you.
36. I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies, how silly of me.
37. OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!
38. You’re the reason God created the middle finger.