80 Best Insults, Good Roasts & Funny Comebacks To Make You LOL

These Funny Comebacks And Insults Are What Our Minds Are Really Made Of

January 5, 2020 Updated January 14, 2021

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Sometimes when we’re peeved, our minds can go to some pretty dark places. If you can dig up some dark humor while you’re there, you’ll feel much better! We’ve compiled a list of over good roasts and comebacks to mutter under your breath the next time someone pisses you off. Whether you’ve gotta deal with kids who just won’t put their crap away or you need an office joke and that coworker who drives you crazy, there’s something on this list for every situation. Repeat as many times as you need until you no longer give AF.

Better yet, why wait until confrontation arises to get a whirl out of these? There’s no better roast than a roast between good friends, and this is most definitely a list from which you can bounce off each other. And if there are no friends available, you can always pull up a chair and get practicing for your special appearance on an episode of Comedy Central Roast. Or pretend you’re on an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race and you just spit back an already iconic burn. A girl can dream, right?

Reminder: while we all need to blow off steam from time to time (moms especially!), bullying or being mean isn’t cool. Save these roasting jokes and comebacks for the privacy of your own home, or for people who’ll understand that they’re just that – jokes. After all, their hilarity will be much better appreciated that way!

Read on to learn some of the best roasts and insults that will get you through a day where you don’t feel like being as sweet as a Georgia peach.

1. You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

2. You’re a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.

3. If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.

4. You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

5. Light travels faster than sound which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.

6. We were happily married for one month, but unfortunately we’ve been married for 10 years.

7. Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.

8. You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.

9. Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.

10. I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.

RELATED: Adults Find These 180+ Jokes For Kids To Be Freaking Hilarious

11. I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies, how silly of me.

12. I only take you everywhere I go just so I don’t have to kiss you goodbye.

13. Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with personality.

14. Our kid must have gotten his brain from you! I still have mine.

15. Your face makes onions cry.

16. The only way my husband would ever get hurt during an activity is if the TV exploded.

17. You look so pretty. Not at all gross, today.

18. It’s impossible to underestimate you.

insults, best comebacks, good roasts: two women are laughing over a beer
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19. Her teeth were so bad she could eat an apple through a fence.

20. I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.

21. I’m not a nerd, I’m just smarter than you.

22. Keep rolling your eyes, you might eventually find a brain.

23. Your face is just fine but we’ll have to put a bag over that personality.

24. You bring everyone so much joy…when you leave the room.

25. I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

26. Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.

RELATED: Best Riddles For Kids That Won’t Be Too Hard To Solve

27. You are the human version of period cramps.

28. If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.

29. You are like a cloud. When you disappear it’s a beautiful day.

30. I’d rather treat my baby’s diaper rash than have lunch with you.

31. Don’t worry, the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.

32. I may love to shop but I will never buy your bull.

33. I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?

34. OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!

35. “Check your lipstick before you come for me.” — Naomi Smalls, RuPaul’s Drag Race

36. “It looks like she went into Claire’s Boutique, fell on a sale rack and said, ‘I’ll take it!’” — Bianca Del Rio, RuPaul’s Drag Race

37. “You are so full of shit, the toilet’s jealous.” — Jinkx Monsoon, RuPaul’s Drag Race

38. “Go back to Party City, where you belong!” — Phi Phi O’Hara, RuPaul’s Drag Race

39. “Where’d you get your outfits, girl, American Apparently Not?” — Trixie Mattel, RuPaul’s Drag Race

40. “Impersonating Beyoncè is not your destiny, child.” — RuPaul, RuPaul’s Drag Race

41. “Don’t get bitter, just get better.” — Alyssa Edwards, RuPaul’s Drag Race

42. Child, I’ve forgotten more than you ever knew.

43. You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.

44. I know you are but what am I?

45. I see no evil, and I definitely don’t hear your evil.

46. You have miles to go before you reach mediocre.

47. When you look in the mirror, say hi to the clown you see in there for me, would ya?

48. Bye, hope to see you never.

49. Complete this sentence for me: “I never want to see you ————!”

50. Remember that time you were saying that thing I didn’t care about? Yeah… that is now.

51. I was today years old when I realized I didn’t like you.

52. N’Sync said it best, “BYE, BYE, BYE”

53. Wish I had a flip phone so I could slam it shut on this conversation.

54. How many licks ’till I get to the interesting part of this conversation?

55. Wow, your maker really didn’t waste time giving you a personality, huh?

56. You cute. Like my dog. He also always chases his tail for entertainment.
57. Somebody you’ll go far… and I really hope you stay there.
58. Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
59. You bring everyone so much joy! You know, when you leave the room. But, still.
60. Oops, my bad. I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.
61. Did I invite you to the barbecue? Then why are you all up in my grill?
62. I’m an acquired taste. If you don’t like me, acquire some taste.
63. Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you. You owe it an apology.
64. Yeah? Well, you smell like hot dog water.
65. *Thumbs down*
66. That sounds like a you problem.
67. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
68. Oh, you don’t like being treated the way you treat me? That must suck.
69. “I’ve been called worse things by better men.”
FUN FACT: This is an old political clap-back from Pierre Trudeau, a Canadian politician when he heard that Richard Nixon insulted him. The shade!
70. Well, the jerk store called and they’re running out of you. (A Seinfeld classic)
71. “What, like it’s hard?” — Elle Woods, Legally Blonde
72. Sorry not sorry.
73. I’m busy right now, can I ignore you another time?
74. If you have a problem with me, write the problem on a piece of paper, fold it, and shove it up your ass.
75. You have an entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?
76. No matter how much a snake sheds its skin, it’s still a snake.
77. Some people are like slinkies — not really good for much but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
78. You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.
79. Of course I’m talking like an idiot… how else could you understand me?
80. Are you almost done with all of this drama? Because I need an intermission.