Time flies when you’re having fun, and honestly, when you’re at work, you need the time to pass as quickly as possible. These office one-liner jokes, quotes, and funnies will bring a little laughter to your workplace. And if your boss catches you slacking, just tell them you’re trying to improve office morale! If you love what you do, that’s great, but everyone could use a breather every now and then. Depending on your workload or profession, chuckles can be few and far between. So, if you need to bring some sunshine and laughs into your work life, you’ve come to the right place.
Finishing your reports for work on time is important, but so is taking some time to laugh and be silly with your coworkers. Finding that perfect blend can reduce your stress and help you manage your work-life balance better. Being the perfect worker bee and a comedian are not mutually exclusive. Not only are these funnies safe for work, but you might even get your boss laughing.
Whether you’re a lawyer, a teacher, or a construction worker, we have a joke for just about everyone. We know work can be stressful, and it’s hard to squeeze a smile into your schedule. So during your break, bust out these jokes for a good time.
1. My boss knew I played hooky and asked me if I missed worked yesterday.
I said, “Missed it? Nah… not really!”
2. I may sit at a desk, but I get plenty of exercise at work…
Jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines is exhausting.
3. My dad was in a dead-end job.
He was a city planner in charge of building cul-de-sacs.
4. Why do construction workers have the best parties?
They raise the roof.
5. What’s blue, green, furry, and swimming in viscous liquid?
Your lunch from last May. Please clean out the office fridge!
6. I love my office! People always leave treats in the fridge for me!
And they put their names on them, so I know who it’s from.
7. He who microwaves fish today will not be employed here tomorrow!
8. My boss saw me walk in and said, “Hey! Have a great day today.”
So, I left and went to the movies.
9. I love going to my job.
I just hate waiting all day until I can come home.
10. It’s so quiet in the office today.
I can hear myself not working.
11. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
12. I used to work in the office at a stationery firm, but I quit.
It just felt like I wasn’t going anywhere.
13. Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
14. I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed to go to the bathroom.
15. “The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley Randall
16. “Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.” — Adam Gropman
17. “Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck.” — Stephen Colbert
18. “I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter.” — Melanie Reno
19. My boss doesn’t have favorites.
He’s mean to everyone equally.
20. My co-workers are so adorable!
They name all of their food! Right now, I’m eating a yogurt named Colin.
21. My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We’ll see about that.
22. Nothing ruins a Friday more than finding out that today is Tuesday.
23. My boss says that I lack enthusiasm.
I guess he’s never seen me with a pint of ice cream.
24. I like my work calendar like I like my coffee:
25. I always use artificial sweeteners at work…
When talking to my boss.
26. I don’t work well under pressure.
Or just, you know, in general.
27. I have a lot of jokes about unemployment…
But none of them work.
28. Hard work never killed anyone…
But I still wouldn’t risk it.
29. Keep the dream alive.
Use your snooze button.
30. I couldn’t work today because I had a problem with my eye.
I just couldn’t see myself working today.
31. To err is human.
To blame it on someone else shows a knack for management.
32. I like work. I mean, it truly fascinates me…
I can sit and stare at it for hours.
33. Busses stop at bus stations. Trains stop at train stations.
And well, we know what stops at work stations.
34. If at first you don’t succeed,
Just change your definition of success.
35. If every day is a gift, can I please get a gift receipt for Monday?
I need to exchange it for Friday.
36. I’ll keep pretending to work as long as they keep pretending to pay me.
37. Anytime you think you can make ends meet,
Somebody moves the ends.
38. An archaeologist is someone whose career lies in ruins.
39. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
40. When it comes to work, change is inevitable,
Except from the vending machine.
41. I have all the money I’ll ever need, as long as I die by 4 p.m. today.
42. If everything seems to be coming your way,
You’re probably in the wrong lane.
43. I just quit my job at the helium gas factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice!
44. What did the mathematician say when something went wrong?
45. Old mathematicians never die.
They just lose some of their functions.
46. There are 10 types of mathematicians.
Those who know binary and those who don’t.
47. My new boyfriend works at the zoo.
I think he’s definitely a keeper.
48. The first five days after the weekend are the most difficult.
49. Middle age — it’s when work becomes a lot less fun…
And when fun becomes a lot more work.
50. Why is the developer broke?
He used up all his cache.
51. The proper way to use a stress ball in the office is to throw it at the last person who upset you.
52. Why did the scarecrow get a big raise?
Because he was out standing in his field!
53. Due to lack of interest,
Monday has been canceled.
54. I don’t mind my long commute.
I do mind that I end up at work at the end of it.
55. My memory has gotten so bad, it made me lose my job.
I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.
56. To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
57. I bet my butcher $100 that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf.
He refused, because “the steaks were too high.”
58 Why is the doctor always calm.
Because they have a lot of patients.
59. A clean desk is a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
60. If it wasn’t for the last minute…
Nothing would get done.
61. If our boss makes a mistake.
It is our mistake.
63. If brains were taxed,
Some co-workers would get a refund.
but at the cellular level, I’m really quite busy.
So, turns out I have a drinking opportunity.
67. Old mathematicians never die.
They lose their grip.
They have all the solutions!
70. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
I just couldn’t concentrate.
My boss has a perception problem.
They just lose their marbles.
They just waste away.
They just cop out.
They just stop developing.
They just get past their prime.
They just check out.
They just buzz off.
83. At a job interview a man asks, “What do you think is your worst quality?”
He responds, “I’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The interviewee says, “I don’t care about what you think!”
It never took off.
But I got tired of the hole business.
But then it folded.
But I got fired for stabbing people in the back.
But then I got sidetracked.
I just didn’t make enough dough.
I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I honestly don’t know what to say about that.
I just couldn’t cut it.
I just didn’t have enough patience.
I was fired.
It just wasn’t a good fit.
I told my boss that “I don’t answer to anyone!”
100. I used to date a steamroller driver.
He was a total flatterer.