Let’s be honest; lawyers make easy targets when it comes to humor. If this just so happens to be your chosen profession, don’t take it personally (sidebar: no litigation necessary). In fact, take it as a compliment. This is why, well, we sometimes like to kick back and enjoy a little laughter at your expense, also known as lawyer jokes. Guilty as charged! Consider these jurisprudential jests exhibits A through, uh, 101.
The path to becoming a lawyer isn’t easy, but Marshall Eriksen from How I Met Your Mother sure makes it look like fun. Law is such a rewarding career even Kim Kardashian has taken it up. (Kim actually isn’t a lawyer yet. She takes the bar exam in 2022.) So, if your knowledge of legislation begins and ends with Law and Order, that’s OK. You don’t need a law degree to get these jokes.
You may not need a lawyer, but everyone can appreciate a good joke about one. These counselors of law lead pretty serious lives and sometimes handle grave situations. So, if you know a lawyer or a law student, text a couple of these jokes their way. It’ll put a smile on their face so big, everyone will think they won their case.
1. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
2. The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is 130.”
3. A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
4. How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.
5. Someone mistakenly left the cages open in the Reptile House at the zoo, and there were snakes slithering all over the place. Frantically, the keeper tried everything but couldn’t get the slippery animals back into their cages.
Finally, he yelled, “Quick, call a lawyer!”
“A lawyer? Why?”
“We need someone who speaks their language.”
6. A defendant who had pleaded guilty saw the jury that had been empaneled, and he announced that he was changing his plea to guilty. When the judge asked why, the defendant pointed to the eight women and four men in the jury box. “When I pleaded ‘not guilty,’ I didn’t know women would be on the jury. Judge, I can’t fool even one woman, so I know I can’t fool eight of them.”
7. A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Sure do,” replied the bartender. “Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my gator.”
8. Arguing with a lawyer is like wrestling with a pig in mud — sooner or later, you realize they like it.
9. Two lawyers are in a bank when, suddenly, two armed robbers burst in.
While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall and proceeds to take their wallets, watches and other valuables.
The first lawyer shoves something into the other one’s hand.
“What is this?” the latter asks without looking.
“It’s that $100 I owe you.”
10. A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having sex with a beautiful woman.
“What a rip-off,” the man muttered. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman.”
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
11. What happened to the banker who went to law school?
Now she’s a loan shark.
12. A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, “Is there a criminal attorney in town?” To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, “Yeah, but we can’t prove it yet!”
13. A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”
The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”
The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”
14. What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.
15. Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. “Look,” said one, “let’s be honest with each other.
“Okay, you first,” replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
16. How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture?
Just say, “Fees!”
17. A personal injury lawyer was on vacation in a small rural town. While walking through the streets, he spotted a car that had just been involved in an accident. As expected, a large crowd gathered.
Going by instinct, the attorney was eager to get to the injured, but he couldn’t get near the car. Being very clever, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
18. Prosecutor: What were you doing on July 15 at 9 o’clock in the evening?
Prisoner: I was eating a hamburger.
Prosecutor: What were you doing at 9:30 p.m.?
Prisoner: I was taking bicarbonate of soda.
Prosecutor: Do you expect us to believe you?
Prisoner: You would if you had eaten one of those hamburgers.
19. What’s the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
20. A lawyer was so large that, when he died, the undertaker couldn’t find a coffin big enough to hold the body.
So, the undertaker gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
21. A millionaire informs his attorney, “I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death.”
“Why such an odd stipulation?” asked the attorney.
“Because I want someone to be sorry I died!” came the reply.
22. “You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?”
“Well, your Honor,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”
23. If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take to keep a lawyer away?
24. A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
“You are the lawyer,” says the policeman.
“Exactly, so where’s my present?” replies the lawyer.
25. What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law.
26. Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.
“You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?”
The client replied that he did.
The lawyer then asked, “Do you know what will happen if you don’t tell the truth?”
The client looked back and said, “I imagine that our side will win.”
27. Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been there eight hours.
28. How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?
Other lawyers look interested.
29. A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he’s had enough.
The bartender said, “I’ve got to ask you — what’s with the pocket business?”
The man replied, “I have my lawyer’s pictures in there. When he starts to look honest, I’ve had enough.”
30. Why did the lawyer’s chicken cross the road?
He had an easement.
31. A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, dear,” replied the mother. “Why would you think that?”
“The tombstone back there said, ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'”
32. What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A whine cellar.
33. Lawyer: Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.
Judge: And what is the nature of the new evidence?
Lawyer: Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.
34. The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
35. Mrs. Applebee, the 6th-grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest of the charity. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, “A lawyer!”
36. Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
37. What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?
38. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.
39. How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
40. Lawyer: Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly: Did you steal the car?
Client: After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning. I’m beginning to think I didn’t.
41. Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site?
Because the plumbers might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
42. A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it,” I’m sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I’m not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I’ll have to get back to you then.” He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, “Now, what can I do for you?”
“Nothing,” replied the man. “I’m here to hook up your phone.”
43. Why is it so common for attorneys to be lost in thought?
44. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three: One to climb, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
45. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
46. An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer.
“Mr. Peterson,” she says, “Would you say you’re honest?”
“Honest?” replies Peterson. “Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.”
“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
“Dad sued me for the money.”
47. Know how copper wire was invented?
Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
48. Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
Not enough sand.
49. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
50. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
51. Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: “Justice prevailed.” The senior partner replied in haste: “Appeal immediately.”
52. Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz and, after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day, Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
“Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.”
“Why?” asked the judge. “He won your acquittal. What do you want him arrested for?”
“Well, your honor,” replied Carlson, “I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the care I stole.”
53. “I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.'”
54. What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
Both have a big head that consists mainly of mouth.
55. A lawyer, who was talking to his son about entering college, said, “What go into your head that you want to be a doctor instead of lawyer?”
“Well, Dad,” answered the son, “Did you ever hear anybody get up in a crowd and shout frantically, ‘Is there a lawyer in the house?'”
56. What’s the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? . . . With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
57. “You’re a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?
“Absolutely! What’s the second question?”
58. What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them, but you never see them.
59. Two lawyers walking through the woods spot a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opens his briefcase, pulls out a pair of sneakers, and puts them on.
The second lawyer looks at him and says, “You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!”
“I don’t have to,” the first lawyer replies. “I’ only have to outrun you.”
60. An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. “All set back here, Captain,” came the reply. “Except for one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”
61. When an attorney gets married, they don’t say, “I do.” They say, “I accept the terms and conditions.
62. Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
63. What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
All the information you need, but you can’t understand a word of it.
64. A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. “Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor. “Sure… after the police leave,” replied the lawyer.
65. Why don’t lawyers play hide-and-seek?
Nobody will look for them.
66. A young lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself. “I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm.
The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, “So, what’s the catch?”
67. Why are there no Irish lawyers?
They can’t pass the bar.
68. Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny.
Lawyer: He’s in a cent.
Judge: You’re going to jail with him.
69. What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
Accountants know they’re boring.
70. How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
71. My wife accused me of being a terrible lawyer.
I couldn’t defend myself.
72. What do lawyers do after dates?
They lie still.
73. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can’t understand.
74. Lawyers be like: I wish you a happy day but in no way guarantee you one. *escapes liability*
75. I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.”
“You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.
76. My attorneys have advised me I not yell timber, even if it’s going down.
77. *in court* Lawyer: Did u kill him?
Lawyer: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
Me: *lips on the mic* Much less than murder.
78. Having just moved to a new home, a young boy meets the boy next door.
“Hi, my name is Billy,” he says. “What’s yours?”
“Tommy,” replied the other.
“My daddy’s an accountant,” says Billy. “What does your daddy do?”
“He’s a lawyer,” Tommy answers.
“Honest?” asks Billy.
“No, just the regular kind.”
79. Lawyer: *whispers* I did the murder. *loudly* Read that back?
Stenographer: “I did the murder.”
Judge: Omg the stenographer just confessed.
80. Me, as a lawyer: BUT, your honor, I Googled it twice.
81. During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, “Just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox.” The doctor decides he’ll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
82. What’s the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture doesn’t take its wingtips off at night.
83. What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t chase ambulances?
84. Lawyer, speaking to a dog on trial for murder: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I am.
Lawyer: Your honor, I rest my case.
85. A paralegal, associate, and partner walked to lunch through a city park. They found an old lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted each of them one wish. The paralegal said, “I want to be in the Bahamas on a sailboat with Brad Pitt!”
Poof, she was gone.
The associate said, “I want to be in Hawaii on the beach with a Mai Tai and a hula dancer!”
Poof, he was gone.
The partner said, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
86. If a lawyer is talking in the forest and there is no one around to hear him, can he still bill for it?
87. A group of dinner guests was blaming all of America’s troubles on lawyers when a woman said, “They aren’t all so bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1,000.”
“I don’t believe it,” the host responded.
“It’s true, I swear it,” said the woman. “I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyer’s fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.”
88. Lawyer: May I approach the bench?
Judge: You may.
Lawyer: *walks up and whispers* The other guy is being, like, super mean right now.
89. What do lawyers wear to court?
90. What’s the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture doesn’t get frequent flyer miles!
91. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty-four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
92. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It’s called Sosumi.
93. A lawyer calls his client to tell him about the fee schedule.
“Alright,” the lawyer says, looking through his papers. “You owe me $1,000 down and $417.58 each month for the next 36 months.”
“What?! That sounds like a car payment schedule,” retorted the client.
“You’re right,” the lawyer replied. “It’s mine.”
94. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
Only one in two million does any real work.
95. What’s the difference between a cat and a lawyer?
One is an arrogant creature who will ignore you and treat you with contempt unless it can get something out of you. The other is a household pet.96. Warning signs you might need a different lawyer:
– Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
– When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
– Your lawyer picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
– Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
– A prison guard is shaving your head.
97. Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”
The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.
98. What happens if a lawyer uses Viagra?
He grows taller.
99. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course — the other three are mythological creatures.
100. A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.
“Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units.”
“And for you, sir,” he said to the lawyer, “the keys to our finest penthouse suite.”
“This is unfair!” cried the minister.
“Listen,” Saint Peter said, “ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we’ve ever seen.”
101. A lawyer, a used car salesman, and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, “In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there.” They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred-dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same.
The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.