These days it’s tough to separate reality from fiction. No more so than in the world of beauty and fashion, where it seems that any self-proclaimed Instagram model can claim to be starting the next “trend,” as strange as it may be.
These days I’m lucky if I have the time (or energy) to shower and brush my teeth, let alone put on makeup, do my hair, or get my nails done. But if you’re anything like me, these trends will make you thankful that you barely have time to sport a messy bun.
Here are the strangest beauty trends of 2017:
1. Faux freckles
Yes, FAKE freckles. Turns out the spots I’ve been trying to hide on my face for over a decade are now the new, hot thing. I really wish I could go back in time and reassure adolescent me that my freckles would be considered cool one day.
But not just any fake freckles will do. The trendiest freckles come in rainbow and metallic shades. There are even permanent freckle tattoos (What could possibly go wrong?).
2. Feather brows
I can’t quite put my finger on what bothers me so much about feather brows. Maybe it’s because they look like mine after I’ve just woken up from some Ambien-induced sleep.
It’s like someone took the term “caterpillar eyebrows” as some sort of challenge. It doesn’t get much buggier than these brows. It kind of looks like someone squashed an actual centipede on her face.
3. Squiggle brows
Becky, come get your girl, it looks like she’s turning her eyebrows into sperm for no discernible reason.
4. Squiggle lips
Nothing says sexy like makeup that resembles one of those Day of the Dead skeletons. These lips look like they were drawn on while riding in a car doing 60 down a bumpy road.
I mean, if you want your lips to look like a doily, you do you, but I wouldn’t recommend this look for your next job interview.
5. Lollipop lips
Lollipop lips is lipstick that has been purposely smudged around the edges. I feel like I may have inadvertently started this trend. Next thing I know, you’re going to tell me it’s cool to have lipstick on your teeth. You’re welcome, ladies.
6. Geode lips
Who needs lips that are kissably soft when you can have some that look like they could cut a bitch? This is officially the opposite of DSL.
I actually think these look cool, but my main concern would be how I would be able to eat food. (To be fair, that’s typically one of my top concerns.)
7. Glitter roots
Turns out that glitter (AKA Devil’s Dust, AKA Satan’s Sand), the same substance I try to keep out of my home at all costs, is now purposely being put on people’s roots.
Why? I don’t know. All I can think about is how it’s going to take her weeks to get it out of her hair.
8. Unicorn nails
In case you ever wondered what Hello Kitty’s claws look like, now you know.
9. Neon eyeliner
Oh, how totally rad. This bitchin’ eyeliner will go perfectly with your stirrup leggings, bodysuit, leg-warmers, and blazer from the Designing Women collection (complete with shoulder pads).
10. Terrarium eyeshadow
This look is perfect for anyone who likes to retain a little mystery, and keep people wondering if you’re sporting a new eye makeup trend or if you just took a tumble down a nearby hill. It’s all fun and games until you remember you’re allergic to pollen.
So the next time you find yourself lamenting that you don’t have time to do your makeup/hair/nails, remember that maybe it’s a blessing in disguise, because if these trends prove anything, it’s that less is more.
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