As if carting small children to the beach isn’t hard enough, sometimes strangers like to add another obstacle by offering their unsolicited opinions. Next time they comment on your beach baby, bring these witty comebacks and send them running:
1. ‘Oh, he looks SO hot!’
It’s shocking, isn’t it? I mean, summer in Florida at the beach and my baby has rosy cheeks. I know, it’s horrifying. But, it’s actually just called being outside and being a kid and having fun. Really, it was hotter in my womb. Goodbye.
2. ‘Did you know babies can burn in the shade?’
I’m sorry, and you are? Oh sure, someone I don’t know who appears to have been lying out since 1974. Absolutely, let me justify my parenting decisions to you, complete and total stranger, and explain them in detail. Judging by your dark, prune-like skin, it looks like sun protection is very important to you. But even so, let me explain. Oh wait…no.
3. ‘Is he wearing sunscreen?’
Oh crap! Thank you for reminding me because I totally forgot about being a parent and actually just slathered him in baby oil. Everyone knows a base tan is really important.
4. ‘It looks like he needs some water.’
You know what, you’re right—which is why I have his sippy cup full of ice water right next to him so that he can grab it whenever he’s thirsty. Isn’t it neat how that works? Oh, and you see this Solo cup in my hand? It’s full of vodka, which I’m going to drink right now as you walk away.
5. ‘Did you know he’s in the sun?’
What? You mean to tell me my baby who is covered in sunscreen and wearing a long-sleeved rash guard is now being assaulted with deadly and poisonous doses of vitamin D? This is absolutely horrifying. Oh wait, it’s actually why we’re at the beach.
6. ‘Oh, I feel so bad for him. He looks so hot.’
Um, well, he’s actually laughing with his brothers and eating a sandwich under our umbrella. But yes, you should totally keep feeling bad for him. He’s obviously having a horrible day. Here, you want to hold him so I can take a hands-free swim alone? Thanks. Bye.
7. ‘Do you know he’s not wearing a hat?’
Oh, you mean that accessory that no baby on earth will wear? Yes, I did happen to notice that he’s not wearing head protection, and thus, his sunscreen-covered head is exposed to the sun’s damaging and deadly rays. Just like it is every other day when we go to the park, grocery store, post office, or zoo. How horrifying. Except, not.
8. ‘He’s just SO YOUNG to be at the beach.’
Thanks, well-meaning 80-year-old woman with skin like brown leather. His skin is flushed because it’s 82 degrees outside. But he’s not dying. You see, he’s wearing 200 SPF sunscreen and is covered head-to-toe. He’s not going to die.
So next time you want to share your opinion with a young mom at the beach, take a hike, or at least offer to watch her kids so she can put on sunscreen hands-free.