My F**k-It List Has Replaced My Bucket List

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bucket list
Sapling Press

I have a bucket list, as I am sure you do, but right now my “Fuck It” list takes priority. Sure, one day I would like to visit Italy and eat all the carbs and drink all the wine, as well as revisit all my other bucket items, but I have put that on the back burner for now. I am choosing to focus on the latter list because these days my brain doesn’t have room for both. I have found that saying “fuck it” is the best therapy ever. If I can’t get excited about it, I just say “fuck it.” If I can’t get out of it, then fuck it, I’ll just sleep in that shit. I am proud of my oversized list — the older I get, the bigger it gets and the happier I am. Things that blow are just better when paired with the words “fuck it.” Here are 10 of my biggest fuck-its.

1. The Tupperware Cabinet

Ever since my first child was able to crawl over to it, take out all the things, put them all back and so forth, this cabinet and everything in it has been the biggest time suck. It will always be remembered as his first babysitter, but having kids and a tidy Tupperware cabinet is not something I can handle at the same time — believe me, I have tried. This mama doesn’t pull out her hair trying to find lids with matching containers anymore. Instead, I just ball leftovers in Saran Wrap and call it a night as I pour myself some chardonnay in my special wine glass that has “fuck it” written in bold lettering.

2. Matching and Mating Socks

Life is too short for this assquake, especially since every time I look down at my kids’ feet, they are wearing either just one sock or two socks that don’t match. Let’s just throw them in a drawer and call it “fuck it, I did my best and nobody cares anyway.”

3. Cleaning Out the Junk Drawer

Mmmm, no, not going to happen. It is so much more fun to take out that drawer, dump the contents in the trash so we can make room for more junk, and just be done with the whole thing. Voila— I just saved myself two hours, two Tylenol, and two fucks.

4. Hitting the Drive-Thru

I regularly need a spot of caffeine. I tried to give it up today — for the tenth time this month — but fuck it, I know what is best for my family, and at this moment in time, it’s best for mama to have caffeine. Aside from the coffee, we hit those other drive-thrus, too. If it’s within a few hours of dinner time anyway, I can announce to the kids we are dining out tonight (again), and everyone’s as happy as a mom who says “fuck it” all day — especially after they stuff themselves into a french fry coma and are too drowsy to talk the whole way home. It’s pure bliss.

5. Lying to My Kids

“Mom, was that the Easter bunny hopping around in your room last night? I heard him thumping all over the place!”

I could take the time to have a really educational sex-positive talk here, but it just doesn’t feel right to mix a fictional, fuzzy critter with the all important “birds and bees” talk. Lying just feels right, so fuck it.

“Why yes kids, that is exactly what was happening in our room last night. Now here, go have this extra candy and let me recover from this conversation.”

6. Shopping for a Swimsuit

If I bend over in this bikini top, you’re gonna see my double lattes spilling out. I don’t care; my sweater stretchers look great in this bitch if I don’t move, so we are going to go with this one. Saying “fuck it” at its finest!

7. Letting My Kids Wear What They Want

My daughter loves her fleece pajamas on a hot summer’s eve. My son likes knee socks and shorts in sub-zero temperatures. After explaining to them their body temperature would regulate better if they dressed accordingly, I give them to the count of three to change. By the time I get to two, I think Fuck it, I’m out. Feel free to sweat or freeze yourself silly.

8. Letting My Kids Eat Sugar

While they are frolicking around in the sun, I figure they will burn all of those Popsicles right up. I am a super fun mom, so fuck it — sure they can have a third! I feel really good about myself, until the sugar and artificial dyes catch up to them and they start acting like the devil. This is when another “fuck it” moment arrives and I hand them their iPads so I don’t say “fuck it” and drive far away from them.

9. Buying Myself Something Pretty

Something pretty, something delicious, shoes — whatever, it’s all the same. Moms need vices in order to parent our best. This is also my favorite time to say “Fuck it, I deserve this.” I wiped butts for a living for five years straight.

10. If Someone Doesn’t Like Me

Maybe this is more of a “fuck you,” or a “fuck off,” but fuck it, I don’t care. There are plenty of people who like me and my fuck it attitude. In fact, they love me for it because the more I say “fuck it,” the more they say it, and that “fuck it” breeds more “fuck its” and soon, everyone is happy as a clam — a clam who said, “Fuck it!”

Someday I will get back to the bucket list, although it’s not in the near future and I am fine with that. Right now, I am too busy watching my kids suck back too many Popsicles, dress like the fashionistas they are, and throwing mismatched socks in a drawer so I can spend my time doing things that really matter — like saying “yes” to that third glass of wine, because fuck it.

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