Yeah, you read the title right. All you people calling candy corn “the Nickelback of Halloween” can eff off. I’m not writing this article to say that I like candy corn. I’m writing because I love candy corn and if you can’t handle that, then you can eat a moldy Milky Way.
If you can’t tell, I’m pretty sick of my favorite Halloween candy getting dogged on because candy corn haters can’t accept that it tastes like the witches’ tits. I am not alone here. There are plenty of people who love candy corn. We are sick of living in the shadows. Here are just a few reasons I and my fellow candy corn aficionados love it so much.
1. That amazing one-of-a-kind texture.
All of you people claiming that candy corn is basically wax obviously don’t eat a lot of wax. Okay… I don’t eat wax either, but I can’t imagine it tastes nearly as good as candy corn, because nothing is that amazing except candy corn! It goes down smooth. The texture isn’t too hard, or too soft, with just a small crunch. It slowly melts in your mouth and slides on down like it’s planting little candy cornstalks of yumminess in your body.
2. It actually tastes like honey and not poop, you idiots.
Fix your comparisons: I often see people compare candy corn to actual poop. They say things like “candy corn tastes like sh!t.” Much like the wax example above, candy corn actually tastes like honey. Sweet amazing honey. If my crap tasted like honey, I’d be thrilled. And you would too, so let’s stop putting poop and candy corn in the same category, you uncivilized losers.
3. Nothing brings out the Halloween memories like candy corn.
The flavor, the triangle shape, the smell… all of it is calming, sweet, and familiar. Outside of a jack-o-lantern, nothing brings out fond memories of the Halloweens of my youth like candy corn. Stop taking away everyone’s sweet memories, you candy corn hating extremists.
4. Candy corn doubles as a last moment Halloween costume.
Come on now, try and tell me that you never put candy corn on your teeth to turn yourself into Dracula. Go on, try. You did it because every child has since the moment humanity crawled out from its cave. We created fire, the wheel, and then candy corn so we could scare predators with our scary fangs. It’s a fact. Look it up!
5. Candy corn lets us know who our real friends are.
If you want to know who your real friends are, serve candy corn. Go ahead and do it. If they complain, or criticize you, or never come over again, they can’t handle who you really are. People who judge others for candy corn love are also going to judge you for wearing Crocs and having dirty dishes in the sink. You don’t need candy corn haters in your life. They are some of the worst people.
6. Loving candy corn means you get more candy.
With everyone jumping on the candy corn hating bandwagon, you get more candy corn. It’s left in the candy dish each year, and once this entire Halloween thing is said and done, nothing is more on sale than candy corn. On November 1 last year, I loaded up on candy corn at 90% off. That’s a steal.
7. Candy corn will survive the apocalypse.
Anyone who has visited their grandmother knows this is true. My grandmother raised me, so I have insider information here. In her pantry was candy corn that had seen many, many Halloweens. Sure, it wasn’t quite as chewy as it once was, but once I worked it over in my mouth, it got warm and lovely and tasted like it was fresh from the candy shelf. If you are the kind of person who stores food in case of an emergency, you would be foolish NOT to include something with the extreme shelf life of candy corn.
8. Candy corn doubles as a decoration.
You can literally put candy corn on display in a jar and people will complement you on your ability to decorate for Halloween. I mean, honestly… how versatile is that? With the right minds at work, I am confident that it could be used for cold fusion.
Are eight reasons enough? Because it better be. There is no reason we had to get here. None whatsoever! This list never should have been needed because we all need to love every human, regardless of their love for candy corn, or black licorice, or vegetarianism. Get over yourself, candy corn haters.
Love your brothers and sisters.
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