Celebrating Half-Birthdays is Stupid

I’m sure the concept of the half birthday is not new to some of you, but others who haven’t yet entered the realm of school-age nonsense may be surprise to hear of the term.

I first encountered the half birthday when my kids were in preschool, but back then I thought it was the bizarre notion of some over-zealous, over-parenting, uber-mom who made her own organic baby food and thought her child was too special to have to endure the indignity of a summer birthday.

Simply, I assumed it was the work of a single crazy person. One who would not tolerate her child being denied all the rights and privileges school life had to offer. But eventually I became aware the concept had broad reach, and when I heard it mentioned again recently, I was struck by its staying power and ubiquity.

And its acceptance concerns me.

I don’t know if people know this but… there’s no such thing as a half birthday. It’s made up. You get one birthday – the day of your birth – hence the name.

I know the half birthday designation is for the poor, unfortunate little souls whose perverse fate would doom them to a life of summertime celebrations. Never would they bring several dozen cupcakes to school while their classmates gathered round to adore worship them. Instead, they’d be forced to commemorate the day on lush green lawns under pure blue skies while streams of sunlight sprinkle down upon them through leafy canopies. Clearly, there would be nothing to do but curse this cruel, cruel world.

Until, that is, they latched on to the notion of a half birthday. This was even better than a birthday because they could celebrate themselves twice.

I, however, am calling an end to this excessive, utter nonsense. If you must, bake your kid some cupcakes to bring in at the end of the school year, and call it a day. Consider yourself lucky because some of us would love to be saved from the last-minute scramble of baking 27 cupcakes for the entire class the night before and then juggling them and the paper products the next morning while herding our kids into school, all done, I might add, in addition to the actual party we are planning for our child’s real birthday. Plus, we’d also be able to have the parties in the backyard and save ourselves a considerable sum of money.

It’s not that I’m insensitive to your situation. It’s just that it’s bullshit. My nephew has a birthday in the month of December, which just about any kid will tell you is the worst month in which to have been born, but we don’t move his birthday to another month just so he’ll get more gifts and not have to share with Jesus.

Related post: December Babies Suck: A Call For National Abstinence Month