'As If!' 70+ Of The Best 'Clueless' Quotes That Will Bring You Back to the '90s

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
clueless quotes
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Whether you grew up in the ’90s or discovered the gem that is Clueless on Netflix, you’ve probably caught yourself quoting from the classic 1995 flick more than once. Almost 20 years after Cher and her best friends, Dionne and Tai, hit the big screen, pop culture is still referencing the movie that made Alicia Silverstone and the words, “As if!” super famous. And it’s no wonder: just like the movie’s cool style, the quotes are not only a nostalgic nod to the ’90s but are still totally relatable. For all the Bettys out there, we rounded up the best Clueless quotes.

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  1. “Ugh, as if!” — Cher Horowitz
  2. “Cher’s saving herself for Luke Perry.” — Dionne Davenport
  3. “You’re a virgin who can’t drive.” — Tai Frasier
  4. “She could be a farmer in those clothes.” — Amber
  5. “Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and a shovel. I doubt anybody would miss you.” — Melvin “Mel” Horowitz
  6. “He’s a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I’m saying?” — Murray Duval
  7. “Suddenly a dark cloud settled over first period… I got a C in debate?” — Cher
  8. “That was way harsh, Tai.” — Cher
  9. “I was just totally clueless.” — Cher
  10. “Oh my god, I am totally buggin’.” — Cher

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  1. “Murray, I have asked you repeatedly not to call me ‘woman.’” — Dionne
  2. “Whatever.” — Amber
  3. “Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there’s no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.” — Cher
  4. “Do you prefer fashion victim or ensembly challenged?” — Cher
  5. “She’s my friend because we both know what it’s like to have people be jealous of us.” — Cher
  6. (In regards to losing her virginity) “You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.” — Cher
  7. “Phat!” — Dionne
  8. “I feel like such a bonehead.” — Cher
  9. “Where’s my white collarless shirt from Fred Segal? It’s my most capable looking outfit!” — Cher
  10. “Rollin’ with the homies.” — Tai
  11. “I was surfing the crimson wave. I had to haul ass to the ladies.” — Cher
  12. “Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex. And anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good.” — Cher
  13. “You are a snob and a half.” — Cher
  14. “Dude, what’s wrong. You suffering from buyer’s remorse or something?” — Dionne
  15. “I’m not a prude, I’m just highly selective.” — Cher
  16. “Isn’t my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972.” — Cher
  17. “I would like to say this. Tardiness is not something you can do on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness. I would like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the LA city bus driver who took a chance on an unknown kid, and last but not least, the wonderful crew from McDonald’s who spend hours making those egg McMuffins without which I might never be tardy.” — Travis Birkenstock
  18. “OK, so he is kind of a Baldwin.” — Cher
  19. “I am totally butt crazy in love with Josh.” — Cher
  20. “Cher, I don’t want to do this anymore. And my buns, they don’t feel nothin’ like steel.” — Tai
  21. “Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.” — Cher
  22. “So OK, I don’t want to be a traitor to my generation and all, but I don’t get how guys dress today. I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair and cover it up with a backwards cap and like, we’re expected to swoon? I don’t think so.” — Cher
  23. “I do not wear polyester hair, OK? Unlike some people I know, like Shawana.” — Dionne
  24. “Oh, that’s good. You don’t want to be the last one at the coffeehouse without chin pubes.” — Cher
  25. “Dionne and I were both named after great singers of the past who now do infomercials.” — Cher
  26. “Christian said he’d call the next day, but in boy time that meant Thursday.” — Cher

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  1. “I feel like such a heifer. I had two bowls of Special K, three pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, five peanut butter M&M’s and like three pieces of licorice.” — Cher
  2. “Old people can be so sweet.” — Cher
  3. “OK, so you’re probably going, ‘Is this like a Noxzema commercial or what?’ But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl.” — Cher
  4. “It’s like that book I read in the ninth grade that said, ‘Tis a far, far better thing doing stuff for other people.'” — Cher
  5. “My plastic surgeon doesn’t want me doing any activity where balls are flying at my nose.” — Amber
  6. “I don’t get it. Did my hair get flat? Did I stumble into some bad lighting? What’s wrong with me?” — Cher
  7. “Wasn’t my mom a total Betty? She died when I was young. A freak accident during a routine liposuction.” — Cher
  8. “If I’m too good for him, then how come I’m not with him?” — Tai
  9. “Ladies generally hang on the grassy knoll over there.” — Cher
  10. “That’s Ren and Stimpy. They’re way existential.” — Cher
  11. “You been jeepin’ around behind my back?” — Murray
  12. “No, she’s a full-on Monet. It’s like a painting, see? From far away, it’s OK, but up close, it’s a big old mess” — Cher
  13. “Besides, the PC term is ‘hymeneally challenged.’” — Dionne
  14. “I had an overwhelming sense of ickiness.” — Cher
  15. “Let’s do a makeover!” — Cher
  16. “May I please remind you that it does not say ‘RSVP’ on the Statue of Liberty.” — Cher
  17. Cher: “If it’s a concussion, you have to keep her conscious, OK? Ask her questions.”

Elton: “What’s seven times seven?” Cher: “Stuff she knows!”

  1. “He does dress better than I do. What would I bring to the relationship?” — Cher
  2. “I’m Audi.” — Cher
  3. “This is California, not Kentucky?” — Cher
  4. “Miss Stoeger, I would just like to say that physical education in this school is a disgrace. I mean, standing in line for 40 minutes is hardly aerobically effective. I doubt I’ve worked off the calories in a stick of Carefree Gum.” — Cher
  5. “I so need lessons from you on how to be cool.” — Josh
  6. “Wait a second, what am I stressing about? This is like, Josh!” — Cher
  7. Mel: “You mean to tell me that you argued your way from a C+ to an A-?

Cher: “Totally based on my powers of persuasion, you proud?” Mel: “Honey, I couldn’t be happier than if they were based on real grades.”

  1. Mel: “Do you know what time it is?”

Cher: “A watch doesn’t really go with this outfit, Daddy.”

  1. Mel: “Which reminds me, where’s your report card?”

Cher: “It’s not ready yet.” Mel: “What do you mean, ‘it’s not ready yet?'” Cher: “Well, some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy. And I know how you say, ‘Never accept a first offer,’ so I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations.”

  1. Cher: “Would you call me selfish?”

Dionne: “No, not to your face.”

  1. Dionne: “Hello? There was a stop sign.”

Cher: “I totally paused.”

  1. “OK, but, street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking, but not necessarily in misogynistic undertones.” — Murray
  2. “Some people are not lucky enough to be as naturally adorable as you are.” — Cher
  3. “Everything I think and everything I do is wrong. I was wrong about Elton, I was wrong about Christian, and now Josh hated me. It all boiled down to one inevitable conclusion: I was just totally clueless.” — Cher
  4. Christian: “Do you like Billie Holiday?”

Cher: “I love him.”

  1. Josh: “Hey, James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road.”

Cher: “I am. You try driving in platforms.”

  1. Mel: “Josh, are you still growing? You look taller than you did at Easter.”

Josh: “I don’t think so.” Mel: “Doesn’t he look bigger?” Cher: “His head does.”

  1. Cher: “I’m captain of the Pismo Beach disaster relief.”

Mel: “I don’t think they need your skis.” Cher: “Daddy, some people lost all their belongings. Don’t you think that includes athletic equipment?”

  1. “Girlie, as far as you’re concerned, I am the messiah of the DMV.” — Lucy
  2. Josh: “Be seeing you.” Tai: “Yeah, I hope not sporadically.”

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