100+ Most Memorable And Hilarious 'Friends' Show Quotes – Scary Mommy

These Classic ‘Friends’ Quotes Will Have You Saying “How You Doin'”

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Even the most fair weather Friends fan knows some of their more quotable moments. How many times have you bellowed, “We were on a break” at a bud? With ten seasons of comedic excellence, the Central Perk gang offers up quotes that can still make us bust a gut.

We went ahead and curated the very best ones for you broken down by each beloved character.

Monica Geller

via GIPHY

1. Rachel: “I’m not someone who goes after a guy five minutes after he’s divorced.”
Monica: “No, you go after them five minutes before they get married.”

2. “Marriage. It’s not for everybody.”

3. “Damn all the jellyfish!”

4. “And I have to live with a boy!”

5. “I needed a plan, a plan to get over my man. And what’s opposite of man? Jam.”

6. On Ross’ white suit: “I like it even better on you than on Colonel Sanders.”

7. “I got one. ‘Socks. Because your family’s feet deserve the best.'”

8. Monica: “I know of two surefire ways to shut a man up. And one of them is sex.”
Rachel: “What’s the other one?”
Monica: “I don’t know. I’ve never had to use the other one.”

9. Chandler: “Today is the 6th.”
Monica: “No.” [Shows Chandler a calendar]
Chandler: “Yes. It’s also 2003.”
Monica: “That means I may be done ovulating! I may also have served some very questionable meat at the restaurant!”

10. “Yes. Chandler watches shark porn!”

11. Monica: “Still… it’s just such reckless spending.”
Ross: “I think when someone steals your credit card, they’ve kind of already thrown caution to the wind.”
Chandler: “Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.”
Monica: “That was me.”

12. Joey: “It’s never taken me a week to get over a relationship.”
Monica: “It’s never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship.”

Ross Geller

via GIPHY

13. (Reacting to Rachel’s cat): “Why is it inside out?!”

14. Ross: “Well, I sang… I rapped… ‘Baby Got Back’.”
Rachel: “What? You sang to our baby daughter a song about a man who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?”
Ross: “Well… if you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy body image, because even women with big bottoms, or juicy doubles, can… [Sees how angry Rachel is] Please don’t take her away from me.”

15. “We were on a break!”

16. “Can’t hold her own head up. But, yeah. Jumped.”

17. Phoebe: “You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.”
Chandler: “Maureen Rosilla.”
Ross: “‘Cause she doesn’t hate Yanni” is not a real reason.”

18. Phoebe: Ross, why are you all hot and sweaty?
Ross: I just Bamboozled Chandler! …Which isn’t a sexual thing.

19. Rachel: “No, you’re not an idiot, Ross. You’re a guy very much in love.”
Ross: “Same difference.”

20. “You’re over me? When were you… under me?”

21. Joey: “How did the date go?”
Ross: “Great! I’m across the street, having sex right now.”

22. Rachel: “Seriously, Ross, breathe louder, that’s great.”
Ross: “Y’know, We should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that’s half-human, half-pure evil!”

23. “Brussels sprouts? That’s worse than no food.”

24. Ross: “I’m just going to wander around in the rain.”
Rachel: “Uhh… it’s not raining.”
Ross: “I can’t catch a break!”

25. Joey: “Ross, did you really read all these baby books?”
Ross: “Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman’s uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like [snaps fingers] that.”

26. “Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you!”

27. Phoebe: “Have you ever chased someone to the airport before?”
Ross: “Not since my cop show got canceled.”

Phoebe Buffay

via GIPHY

28. Joey (wearing women’s lacy underwear): “Hey, Pheebs. Check it out!”
Phoebe: Hmm, nice. Manly, and also kind of a slut.

29. “They don’t know that we know they know we know.”

30. “Well, you all know that I am a pacifist, which means I am not interested in war — in any way. But when the revolution comes I will have to destroy you all; not you, Joey.”

31. “If you want to receive emails about my upcoming shows please give me money so I can buy a computer.”

32. “I can’t have a mimosa? I’m on vacation!”

33. “Come on, Ross. You’re a paleontologist, dig little deeper.”

34. Monica: “Do you have a plan?”
Phoebe: “I don’t even have a pla.'”

35. Joey: “Could you close that window? My nipples could cut glass over here.”
Phoebe: “Really? Mine get me out of tickets.”

36. “See? He’s her lobster.”

37. “I wish I could. But, I don’t want to.”

38. To Will (Brad Pitt): “Oh, come on, Will. Just take off your shirt and tell us.”

39. “It’s Nestle Toulouse.”

40. Reporter: “I like that. What’s your name?”
Phoebe: “Phoebe. That’s, P, as in Phoebe, H, as in hoebe, O as in oebe, E, as in ebe, B, as in bebe, and E as in… ‘Ello there mate.”

41. Phoebe: “I think the most romantic song is the one Elton John wrote for the guy from Who’s the Boss.”
Monica: “Which one is that?”
Phoebe: “You know, hold me closer Tony Danza”

42. Ross: “I’m not a pervert.”
Phoebe: “Please, that’s the pervert motto. They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand in your pants and say that.”

Rachel Green

Via GIPHY

43. “Oh, are you setting Ross up with someone? Does she have a wedding dress?”

44. Rachel: “I broke up with you because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you.”
Ross: “You still love me?”
Rachel: “…No.”

45. “To Monica and Chandler! And that knocked-up girl in Ohio!”

46. Ross (Discussing baby names): “What about Ruth?”
Rachel: “I’m sorry. Are we having an 89-year-old?”

47. “Well, maybe I don’t need your money. Wait, wait! I said, ‘Maybe.'”

48. Chandler: “Rachel, did it bother you when Ross flirted with other women?”
Rachel: “No, it bothered me when he slept with other women.”

49. Rachel (on her obnoxiously pink dress): “I can’t believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when you’re nauseous!”

50. Rachel (about her crying daughter): “Mon, what am I gonna do? It’s been hours and it won’t stop crying.”
Monica: “‘She,’ Rach. Not ‘it.’ She.”
Rachel: “Yeah. I’m not so sure.”

51. Chandler: “Can you see my nipples through this shirt?”
Rachel: “No. But don’t worry, I’m sure they’re still there.”

52. “Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why I’m not drinking on this date tonight: I’m a recovering alcoholic, I’m a Mormon, or I got so hammered last night I’m still a little drunk?”

53. Rachel: “Well, I found the hardware store by myself!”
Joey: “The hardware store’s just down the street.”
Rachel: “There’s a hardware store down the street?”

54. Phoebe: “There’s five hundred extra dollars in my account.”
Chandler: “Oh! Satan’s minions at work again.”
Phoebe: “Yes, coz I have to go down there and deal with them.”
Joey: “What are you talking about? Keep it!”
Phoebe: “It’s not mine! I didn’t earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing!”
Rachel: “Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!”

55. On her big move to be with Ross: “I got off the plane.”

56. Joey: “I… I think I’m falling in love with you.”
Rachel: “Who you talking to?”

57. “Isn’t this exciting! I earned this! I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally… not worth it. Who’s FICA? Why’s he getting all my money?”

58. Rachel (after Phoebe backs out of getting a tattoo): Phoebe, how could you do this to me? This was all your idea!
Phoebe: I know, I know, and I was going to get it, but then he came in with this needle, and d–did you know they do this with needles?
Rachel: Really! You don’t say! Because mine was licked on by kittens!

59. “Ross! We broke up two years ago. You’ve been married since then. I think it’s okay that we see other people.”

60. Mrs. Green [looks out the window]: “There’s an unattractive nude man playing the cello.”
Rachel: “Yeah, well just be glad he’s not playing a smaller instrument.”

61. Ross: “Look, I just came here to tell you guys something.”
Rachel: “Oh. Was it how you invented the cotton gin?”

62. Ross (with newly whitened teeth): “Hey, Rachel, did you notice…”
Rachel: “Your teeth? Yeah, I saw them from outside.”

Joey Tribbiani


via GIPHY

63. Ross: “Hello? Did you not read the Lord of the Rings in high school?”
Joey: “No, I had sex in high school.”

64. “Okay. So I’m out four thousand dollars and nobody’s boobs are getting any bigger?”

65. Monica: “There are so few genuinely nice guys out there.”
Joey: “Tell me about it. I feel like I’m holding down the fort all by myself.”

66. “It’s a moo point. It’s like a cow’s opinion; it doesn’t matter. It’s moo.”

67. “What’s not to like? Custard – good. Jam – good. Meat – good!”

68. Monica: “You don’t think sharks are sexy do you?”
Joey: “No. Wait a minute… what was the Little Mermaid?”

69. Joey: “Occupation? Dinosaurs.”
Ross: “Actually I’m a paleo…”
Joey: “Dinosaurs is fine.”

70. Rachel: “See? Unisex.”
Joey: “Maybe you need sex. I just had it a few days ago.”
Rachel: “No, Joey, U-N-I-sex.”
Joey: “I wouldn’t say no to that.”

71. Ross: “I’m man enough to play this sport.
Joey: “You are not even man enough to get the channel that carries the sport.”

72. “Joey doesn’t share food!”

73. Joey: “Wait, wait, we have a copy of your keys.”
Monica: “Well then, get it, get it!”
Joey: “Hey, hey, that tone won’t make me go any faster.”
Monica: “Joey.”
Joey: “That one will.”

74. “How you doin’?”

75. Joey: “It was awkward. We were both nervous.”
Phoebe: “Didn’t you sleep together?”
Joey: “Yeah. That really calms me down.”

76. “You can’t just give up. Is that what a dinosaur would do?”

77. “Man, I’m starving. What was I thinking at dinner? ‘Do you want soup or salad?’ Both. Always order both.”

78. Rachel: “Joey, you can’t steal an award.”
Joey: “I’m not stealing it. I’m accepting it on her behalf.”
Rachel: “You don’t even know what behalf means.”
Joey: “I know what it means. It’s a verb. As in, I behalfing it.”

79. “Look at me! I’m Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes?!”

Chandler Bing

via GIPHY

80. “I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”

81. “Oh, I know. This must be so hard. ‘Oh, no! Two women love me. They’re both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet’s too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!'”

82. Joey: “You didn’t cry when Bambi’s mom died?”
Chandler: “Yes, it was so sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer.”

83. “Ah, ‘Hotties of the Paleontology Department.’ There’s a big-selling calendar, eh?”

84. Joey: “My agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives!”
Phoebe: “Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.”
Chandler: “Hey, yeah, we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia.”

85. “Oh, man. In my next life I’m coming back as a toilet brush!”

86. Monica: “Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It’s just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.”
Chandler: “Sounds like a date to me.”

87. [Preparing to break up with Janice for the third time] “There’s no easy way to say this. At least, there’s no new way for me to say this.”

88. Chandler: “From now on it’s gonna be the four of you guys and me and the Mrs. Little Woman. Wife. The old ball and chain.”
Monica: “Old?”
Chandler: “Young hot ball and chain.”

89. Phoebe: “You are not gonna believe this: I have just been discovered!
Chandler: “Now, wait a minute. I claimed you in the name of France four years ago!”

90. Phoebe: “Why would you kill his fish?”
Chandler: “Because, Phoebe, sometimes after you sleep with someone you have to kill a fish.”

91. Monica: “You are so cute. How did you get to be so cute?”
Chandler: “Well, my grandfather was Swedish and my grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny.”

92. Janice: “What a small world!”
Chandler: “And yet I never run into Beyoncé!”

93. Chandler: “I got her machine.”
Joey: “Her answering machine?”
Chandler: “No. Interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up.”

94. Ross: “I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.”
Chandler: “Was that place the sun?”

95. Ross: “Pivot! Pivot! Pivot! Pivot! Pivot!” (while trying to lift his sofa up a flight of stairs)
Chandler: “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”

96. Chandler: “No, no, we’re not together. We’re not a couple — we’re definitely not a couple.”
Saleswoman: “Oh, sorry.”
Joey: “Wow, you, uh, you seem pretty insulted by that. What, I’m not good enough for you?”
Chandler: “We’re not gonna have this conversation. Again.”

97. “Hi. I’m Chandler. I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.”

98. To Ross: “If you’re not careful, you might not get married at all this year.”

99. “Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your ‘cancer’ and your ’emphysema’ and your ‘heart disease.’ The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it.”

100. Joey: “Just because she went to Yale drama she thinks she’s like, the greatest actress since, since…sliced bread!”
Chandler: Ahh, sliced bread. A wonderful Lady Macbeth.

101. Chandler: “I’m getting dressed.”
Joanna: “Why?”
Chandler: “When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me.”

102. Ross: “I can’t believe you two had sex in her dream.”
Chandler: “I’m sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and it was someone else’s subconscious.”

103. (On Rachel’s hat): “Wait a minute, I know that hat. I was taken aboard that hat. They did experiments on me! I can’t have children!”

Related: These Funny Comebacks And Insults Are What Our Minds Are Really Made Of