144 Most Memorable And Hilarious 'Friends' Show Quotes – Scary Mommy

These Classic ‘Friends’ Quotes Will Have You Saying “How You Doin'”

October 24, 2019 Updated September 18, 2021

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Even the most fair-weather Friends fan knows some of their more quotable moments. How many times have you bellowed, “We were on a break” at a bud? With ten seasons of comedic excellence, the Central Perk gang offers up quotes that can still make us bust a gut. Friends is a TV classic show and part of what inspires many to make the move to the big apple. I mean, who doesn’t want to be part of a group of attractive friends who love and support one another all the time? Not only is Friends goals, but it’s also gifted the world with many Friends show quotes you’ll want to make your screen saver or put on a sticky note.

The instant classic went on to inspire countless other group-buddy comedies, including Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Parks And Rec, but there can only be one Friends — not to mention one Rachel Green, Ross Geller, Monica Geller, Chandler Bing, Joey Tribbiani, and Phoebe Buffay.

We went ahead and curated the very best quotes from this beloved show for you, broken down by each beloved character.

RELATED: These Funny Comebacks And Insults Are What Our Minds Are Really Made Of

Best Friends Show Quotes

Monica Geller

via GIPHY

  1. Rachel: “I’m not someone who goes after a guy five minutes after he’s divorced.”
    Monica: “No, you go after them five minutes before they get married.”
  2. “Marriage. It’s not for everybody.”
  3. “Damn all the jellyfish!”
  4. “And I have to live with a boy!”
  5. “I needed a plan, a plan to get over my man. And what’s opposite of man? Jam.”
  6. (On Ross’ white suit) “I like it even better on you than on Colonel Sanders.”
  7. “I got one. ‘Socks. Because your family’s feet deserve the best.'”
  8. Monica: “I know of two surefire ways to shut a man up. And one of them is sex.”
    Rachel: “What’s the other one?”
    Monica: “I don’t know. I’ve never had to use the other one.”
  9. Chandler: “Today is the sixth.”
    Monica: “No.” (Shows Chandler a calendar)
    Chandler: “Yes. It’s also 2003.”
    Monica: “That means I may be done ovulating! I may also have served some very questionable meat at the restaurant!”
  10. “Yes. Chandler watches shark porn!”
  11. Monica: “Still… it’s just such reckless spending.”
    Ross: “I think when someone steals your credit card, they’ve kind of already thrown caution to the wind.”
    Chandler: “Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.”
    Monica: “That was me.”
  12. Joey: “It’s never taken me a week to get over a relationship.”
    Monica: “It’s never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship.”
  13. “I’ve got this uncontrollable need to please people.”
  14. “Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You’re gonna love it.”
  15. “Now, I need you to be careful and efficient. And remember: If I am harsh with you, it’s only because you’re doing it wrong.”

Ross Geller

via GIPHY

  1. (Reacting to Rachel’s cat) “Why is it inside out?!”
  2. Ross: “Well, I sang… I rapped… ‘Baby Got Back’.”
    Rachel: “What? You sang to our baby daughter a song about a man who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?”
    Ross: “Well… if you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy body image, because even women with big bottoms, or juicy doubles, can… (Sees how angry Rachel is) Please don’t take her away from me.”
  3. “We were on a break!”
  4. “Can’t hold her own head up. But, yeah. Jumped.”
  5. Phoebe: “You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.”
    Chandler: “Maureen Rosilla.”
    Ross: “‘Cause she doesn’t hate Yanni is not a real reason.”
  6. Phoebe: “Ross, why are you all hot and sweaty?”
    Ross: “I just Bamboozled Chandler!… Which isn’t a sexual thing.”
  7. Rachel: “No, you’re not an idiot, Ross. You’re a guy very much in love.”
    Ross: “Same difference.”
  8. “You’re over me? When were you… under me?”
  9. Joey: “How did the date go?”
    Ross: “Great! I’m across the street, having sex right now.”
  10. Rachel: “Seriously, Ross, breathe louder, that’s great.”
    Ross: “Y’know, we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that’s half-human, half-pure evil!”
  11. “Brussels sprouts? That’s worse than no food.”
  12. Ross: “I’m just going to wander around in the rain.”
    Rachel: “Uhh… it’s not raining.”
    Ross: “I can’t catch a break!”
  13. Joey: “Ross, did you really read all these baby books?”
    Ross: “Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman’s uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like (snaps fingers) that.”
  14. “Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you!”
  15. Phoebe: “Have you ever chased someone to the airport before?”
    Ross: “Not since my cop show got canceled.”

Phoebe Buffay

via GIPHY

  1. Joey: (Joey wearing women’s lacy underwear) “Hey, Pheebs. Check it out!”
    Phoebe: “Hmm, nice. Manly, and also kind of a slut.”
  2. “They don’t know that we know they know we know.”
  3. “Well, you all know that I am a pacifist which means I am not interested in war — in any way. But when the revolution comes, I will have to destroy you all; not you, Joey.”
  4. “If you want to receive emails about my upcoming shows, please give me money so I can buy a computer.”
  5. “I can’t have a mimosa? I’m on vacation!”
  6. “Come on, Ross. You’re a paleontologist, dig a little deeper.”
  7. Monica: “Do you have a plan?”
    Phoebe: “I don’t even have a pla.'”
  8. Joey: “Could you close that window? My nipples could cut glass over here.”
    Phoebe: “Really? Mine get me out of tickets.”
  9. “See? He’s her lobster.”
  10. “I wish I could. But, I don’t want to.”
  11. (To Will, who was played by Brad Pitt) “Oh, come on, Will. Just take off your shirt and tell us.”
  12. “It’s Nestle Toulouse.”
  13. Reporter: “I like that. What’s your name?”
    Phoebe: “Phoebe. That’s, P, as in Phoebe, H, as in hoebe, O as in oebe, E, as in ebe, B, as in bebe, and E as in… Ello there mate.”
  14. Phoebe: “I think the most romantic song is the one Elton John wrote for the guy from Who’s the Boss.”
    Monica: “Which one is that?”
    Phoebe: “You know, hold me closer, Tony Danza”
  15. Ross: “I’m not a pervert.”
    Phoebe: “Please, that’s the pervert motto. They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand in your pants and say that.”
  16. “Oh, I wish I could, but I don’t want to.”
  17. Mike: “Did you just hit my dad?”
    Phoebe: “Yes. I’m sorry. I’ve never met a boyfriend’s parents before.”
    Mike: “But, I mean, you have met humans before, right?”
  18. Tag Jones: “Phoebe. That’s a great name.”
    Phoebe: “Oh, you like that? You should hear my phone number.”
  19. “Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, it’s not your fault.”

Rachel Green

Via GIPHY

  1. “Oh, are you setting Ross up with someone? Does she have a wedding dress?”
  2. Rachel: “I broke up with you because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you.”
    Ross: “You still love me?”
    Rachel: “No…”
  3. “To Monica and Chandler! And that knocked-up girl in Ohio!”
  4. Ross: (Ross discussing baby names) “What about Ruth?”
    Rachel: “I’m sorry. Are we having an 89-year-old?”
  5. “Well, maybe I don’t need your money. Wait, wait! I said, ‘Maybe.'”
  6. Chandler: “Rachel, did it bother you when Ross flirted with other women?”
    Rachel: “No, it bothered me when he slept with other women.”
  7. (Rachel on her obnoxiously pink dress) “I can’t believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when you’re nauseous!”
  8. (Rachel about her crying daughter) “Mon, what am I gonna do? It’s been hours and it won’t stop crying.”
    Monica: “‘She,’ Rach. Not ‘it.’ ‘She.'”
    Rachel: “Yeah. I’m not so sure.”
  9. Chandler: “Can you see my nipples through this shirt?”
    Rachel: “No. But don’t worry, I’m sure they’re still there.”
  10. “Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why I’m not drinking on this date tonight. I’m a recovering alcoholic, I’m a Mormon, or I got so hammered last night, I’m still a little drunk?”
  11. Rachel: “Well, I found the hardware store by myself!”
    Joey: “The hardware store’s just down the street.”
    Rachel: “There’s a hardware store down the street?”
  12. Phoebe: “There’s five hundred extra dollars in my account.”
    Chandler: “Oh! Satan’s minions at work again.”
    Phoebe: “Yes, coz, I have to go down there and deal with them.”
    Joey: “What are you talking about? Keep it!”
    Phoebe: “It’s not mine! I didn’t earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing!”
    Rachel: “Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!”
  13. (Rachel on her big move to be with Ross) “I got off the plane.”
  14. Joey: “I… I think I’m falling in love with you.”
    Rachel: “Who you talking to?”
  15. “Isn’t this exciting! I earned this! I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally… not worth it. Who’s FICA? Why’s he getting all my money?”
  16. (Rachel after Phoebe backs out of getting a tattoo) “Phoebe, how could you do this to me? This was all your idea!”
    Phoebe: “I know, I know, and I was going to get it, but then he came in with this needle, and did you know they do this with needles?”
    Rachel: “Really! You don’t say! Because mine was licked on by kittens!”
  17. “Ross! We broke up two years ago. You’ve been married since then. I think it’s OK that we see other people.”
  18. (Mrs. Green looks out the window) “There’s an unattractive nude man playing the cello.”
    Rachel: “Yeah, well just be glad he’s not playing a smaller instrument.”
  19. Ross: “Look, I just came here to tell you guys something.”
    Rachel: “Oh. Was it how you invented the cotton gin?”
  20. (Ross with newly whitened teeth) “Hey, Rachel, did you notice…”
    Rachel: “Your teeth? Yeah, I saw them from outside.”

Joey Tribbiani


via GIPHY

  1. Ross: “Hello? Did you not read the Lord of the Rings in high school?”
    Joey: “No, I had sex in high school.”
  2. “OK. So I’m out $4,000 and nobody’s boobs are getting any bigger?”
  3. Monica: “There are so few genuinely nice guys out there.”
    Joey: “Tell me about it. I feel like I’m holding down the fort all by myself.”
  4. “It’s a moo point. It’s like a cow’s opinion; it doesn’t matter. It’s moo.”
  5. “What’s not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good!”
  6. Monica: “You don’t think sharks are sexy, do you?”
    Joey: “No. Wait, a minute. What was the Little Mermaid?”
  7. Joey: “Occupation? Dinosaurs.”
    Ross: “Actually I’m a paleo…”
    Joey: “Dinosaurs is fine.”
  8. Rachel: “See? Unisex.”
    Joey: “Maybe you need sex. I just had it a few days ago.”
    Rachel: “No, Joey, U-N-I-sex.”
    Joey: “I wouldn’t say no to that.”
  9. Ross: “I’m man enough to play this sport.”
    Joey: “You are not even man enough to get the channel that carries the sport.”
  10. “Joey doesn’t share food!”
  11. Joey: “Wait, wait, we have a copy of your keys.”
    Monica: “Well then, get it, get it!”
    Joey: “Hey, hey, that tone won’t make me go any faster.”
    Monica: “Joey.”
    Joey: “That one will.”
  12.  “How you doin’?”
  13. Joey: “It was awkward. We were both nervous.”
    Phoebe: “Didn’t you sleep together?”
    Joey: “Yeah. That really calms me down.”
  14. “You can’t just give up. Is that what a dinosaur would do?”
  15. “Man, I’m starving. What was I thinking at dinner? ‘Do you want soup or salad?’ Both. Always order both.”
  16. Rachel: “Joey, you can’t steal an award.”
    Joey: “I’m not stealing it. I’m accepting it on her behalf.”
    Rachel: “You don’t even know what behalf means.”
    Joey: “I know what it means. It’s a verb. As in, I behalfing it.”
  17. “Look at me! I’m Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes?!”
  18. “I’m a lone wolf. A loner. Alone. All alone. Forever… …. … What’s a lone wolf gotta do to get a hug around here?!”
  19. “So why don’t you be a grownup and come watch TV in the fort?”

Chandler Bing

via GIPHY

  1. “I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
  2. “Oh, I know. This must be so hard. ‘Oh, no! Two women love me. They’re both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet’s too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!'”
  3. Joey: “You didn’t cry when Bambi’s mom died?”
    Chandler: “Yes, it was so sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer.”
  4. “Ah, ‘Hotties of the Paleontology Department.’ There’s a big-selling calendar, eh?”
  5. Joey: “My agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives!”
    Phoebe: “Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.”
    Chandler: “Hey, yeah, we could all sleep together, and then one of us could get amnesia.”
  6. “Oh, man. In my next life, I’m coming back as a toilet brush!”
  7. Monica: “OK, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It’s just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.”
    Chandler: “Sounds like a date to me.”
  8. (Preparing to break up with Janice for the third time) “There’s no easy way to say this. At least, there’s no new way for me to say this.”
  9. Chandler: “From now on it’s gonna be the four of you guys and me and the Mrs. Little Woman. Wife. The old ball and chain.”
    Monica: “Old?”
    Chandler: “Young hot ball and chain.”
  10. Phoebe: “You are not gonna believe this — I have just been discovered!”
    Chandler: “Now, wait a minute. I claimed you in the name of France four years ago!”
  11. Phoebe: “Why would you kill his fish?”
    Chandler: “Because, Phoebe, sometimes after you sleep with someone you have to kill a fish.”
  12. Monica: “You are so cute. How did you get to be so cute?”
    Chandler: “Well, my grandfather was Swedish and my grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny.”
  13. Janice: “What a small world!”
    Chandler: “And yet I never run into Beyoncé!”
  14. Chandler: “I got her machine.”
    Joey: “Her answering machine?”
    Chandler: “No. Interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up.”
  15. Ross: “I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.”
    Chandler: “Was that place the sun?”
  16. Ross: “Pivot! Pivot! Pivot! Pivot! Pivot! (While trying to lift his sofa up a flight of stairs)”
    Chandler: “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”
  17. Chandler: “No, no, we’re not together. We’re not a couple — we’re definitely not a couple.”
    Saleswoman: “Oh, sorry.”
    Joey: “Wow, you, uh, you seem pretty insulted by that. What, I’m not good enough for you?”
    Chandler: “We’re not gonna have this conversation. Again.”
  18. “Hi. I’m Chandler. I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.”
  19. (To Ross) “If you’re not careful, you might not get married at all this year.”
  20. “Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your ‘cancer’ and your ’emphysema’ and your ‘heart disease.’ The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.”
  21. Joey: “Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she’s like, the greatest actress since, since… sliced bread!”
    Chandler: “Ahh, sliced bread. A wonderful Lady Macbeth.”
  22. Chandler: “I’m getting dressed.”
    Joanna: “Why?”
    Chandler: “When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me.”
  23. Ross: “I can’t believe you two had sex in her dream.”
    Chandler: “I’m sorry, it was a onetime thing. I was very drunk, and it was someone else’s subconscious.”
  24. (On Rachel’s hat) “Wait a minute, I know that hat. I was taken aboard that hat. They did experiments on me! I can’t have children!”
  25. Ross: “Gunther! Gunther! Gunther, please tell me you didn’t say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the copy place.”
    Gunther: “I’m sorry. Was I not supposed to?”
  26. (Gunther To Ross) “Thanks for not marrying Rachel.”
  27. “I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work, and/or are sick.”
  28. “I say more dumb things before 9 a.m. than most people say all day.”
  29. “You have to stop the Q-tip when there’s resistance!”
  30. “I mean, sure, I have my bad days. But then I remember what a cute smile I have.”
  31. “I tend to keep talking until somebody stops me.”

Other Iconic Friends Show Quotes

  1. Phoebe: “Good for you. That was really mature.”
    Joey: “What? No. The only reason I am going to their stupid new house is so I can point out everything that’s wrong with it, so they don’t move. I am gonna make them stay here.”
    Mike: “You’re a strange kind of grown-up.”
  2. Monica: “Now, in regards to the toasts, OK, you wanna keep them short. Nothing kills a rehearsal dinner like long speeches. OK. You just get in, do your thing, and get out.”
    Mike: “Is that what you say to Chandler?”
    Monica: “It’s 9:01, and I am not amused.”
  3. (phone rings) Mike: “I’ll get it! Hello? Ross’ place. Mike speaking. It’s for you.”
    Ross: “I don’t understand what just happened here.”
  4. Mike: “Really, I’m a pretty nice guy. Just ask my parole officer. Apparently, I’m not a funny guy.”
  5. Phoebe: “But, just so you know, however, and whenever you decide to propose, I promise I’ll say yes. Whether, you know, it’s at a basketball game or in skywriting or, you know, like some lame guy in a cheesy movie who hides it in the cake. It’s in the cake, isn’t it?”
    Mike: “Where else would lame Mr. No Balls hide it?”
  6. “Ooohh, I’m going to have to blow this one up and write ‘REUNITED’ in glitter.” — Janice Hosenstein
  7. “I’m a young woman, I have needs.” — Janice Hosenstein
  8. “OHH. MYYY. GOOD.” — Janice Hosenstein
  9. “The way I feel about you, it’s like I finally understand what Lionel Richie has been singing about.” — Janice Hosenstein
  10. “Why would you serve food on such a sharp stick?” — Jack Geller
  11. “I want to be buried at sea, it looks like fun.” — Jack Geller
  12. “Son, I had to shave my ears for tonight.” — Jack Geller
  13. “I think there are people in there having sex.” — Jack Geller
  14. “I’m not paying for your wine cellar, you thieving, would-be-speaking-German-if-it-weren’t-for-us cheap little man.” — Jack Geller
  15. “I read about all these women trying to have it all and I thank God our little Harmonica doesn’t seem to have that problem.” — Jack Geller
  16. (Joey has packed an emergency kit with food, Mad-Libs, and condoms.)
    Chandler: “Condoms?”
    Joey: “We don’t know how long we’re gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world.”
    Chandler: “And condoms are the way to do that?”
  17. “I can handle this. ‘Handle’ is my middle name. Actually, ‘handle’ is the middle of my first name.” — Chandler
  18. Rachel: “You know, Ben, I was your daddy’s girlfriend.”
    Ben: “But you’re not anymore because you were on a break.”
  19. Monica: “Now come on, Chandler, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really?”
    Chandler: “They were just giving it away at the mall…” (Monica stares)
    Chandler: “In exchange for money.”
  20. Rachel: “Can you take care of Emma, just for today?”
    Ross: “Sure, just lend me your breasts and we’ll be on our way.”
  21. “Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You’re gonna love it.” — Monica Geller
  22. Julie: “We’ve gotta get some sleep.”
    Ross: “Yeah, it’s really six tomorrow night our time.”
    Chandler: “Well, listen, don’t tell us what’s gonna happen though, ’cause I like to be surprised.”
  23. Chandler: “Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a second?”
    Joey: “Sure.”
    Chandler: “Your tailor… is a very bad man!”
  24. “Guys can fake it? Unbelievable! The one thing that’s ours!” — Monica Geller
  25. “You can’t fire me. I make your decisions and I say, ‘I’m not fired.’ Ha.” — Monica Geller
  26. “That’s how they do pants. First, they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, would you tell him? Isn’t that how they measure pants?” — Joey Tribbiani
  27. (To Monica) “Come on, you’re going to Bloomingdale’s with Julie? That’s like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship.” — Chandler Bing