55+ Comedian Jokes The Class Clown In You Will Love

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
comedian jokes
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Comedians are a unique breed, and proudly so. They’re the Greek chorus on the sidelines of society, commenting, critiquing, and dissecting culture and morality. They hold up a mirror to our many faults, daring us to question our norms, ridiculous traditions, or just straight-up stupidity. And they do it all while getting laughs. Good comedy is like philosophy, it makes us question and confronts our faults while providing an alternate point of view — and a good comedian plays the role of the ultimate devil’s advocate. It seems not a week goes by without yet another news cycle about what topic is off-limits, and the consensus is usually the same — if a comedian is not offending someone, they’re not doing a good enough job.

Looking for some laughs with a serving of thoughtfulness? We’ve gone ahead and rounded up the best jokes from the biggest comedy stars of our time like Joan Rivers, Chris Rock, Adam Sandler, Ali Wong, Aziz Ansari, George Carlin, Tiffany Haddish, Amy Schumer, and so many more.

  1. “Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.” — Jerry Seinfeld
  2. “The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.” — Joan Rivers
  3. “You know what happened to Oprah at 23? She got fired. Imagine firing Oprah. It wasn’t a mistake. Because she wasn’t Oprah. She was just some 23-year-old punk who needed to get fired so she could become Oprah.” — Leslie Jones
  4. “I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.'” — Chris Rock
  5. “I joined a mom’s group in Los Angeles. Yeah, I don’t find any of these bitches particularly interesting or fun, but when you’re a new mom on maternity leave, it’s like The Walking Dead – you just gotta hook up with a crew to survive.” — Ali Wong
  6. “I went to a place recently I think is one of the most fucked up places I’ve ever been to. I’m convinced this place is the epitome of American excess, of American greed. I’m talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If you have not been there, the basic gist of Cold Stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go ape shit with it.” — Aziz Ansari
  7. “I’ll tell ya, in New York City, where I’ve lived far too long, ‘fuck’ isn’t even a word, it’s a comma.” — Lewis Black
  8. “My name is Adam. My father’s name is Adam. Having the same name as your father, it’s alright until your voice changes. My friends would always call up, “Is Adam there?” My father would say, “This is Adam.” My friends would say, “Adam, you were so wasted last night.” — Adam Sandler
  9. “Advice to children crossing the street: Damn the lights. Watch the cars. The lights ain’t never killed nobody.” — Moms Mabley
  10. “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin
  11. “When I asked my personal trainer at the gym which machine I should use to impress beautiful women he pointed outside and said the ATM machine.” — Trevor Noah
  12. “I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means to ‘put down.'” — Bob Newhart
  13. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” — Bob Hope
  14. “Have you ever watched, like, a cartoon that you used to watch when you were little, as an adult? I was sittin’ there with my nephew. I turned it on Sesame Street. And I was, like, “Oh, good. Sesame Street. Now he’ll learn how to count and spell.” But now I’m watching it as an adult and I realize that Sesame Street teaches kids other things. It teaches kids how to judge people and label people. That’s right. They got this one character named Oscar. They treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right to his face. “Oscar, you are so mean. Isn’t he, kids?” “Yeah. Oscar, you’re a grouch!” He’s, like, “Bitch, I live in a fucking trash can! I’m the poorest motherfucker on Sesame Street. Nobody’s helping me.” Now you wonder why your kids grow up and step over homeless people, like, “Get it together, grouch. Get a job, grouch.” — Dave Chappelle
  15. “I think that I get labeled a sex comic just because I’m a woman. Like, a guy could get up here and literally pull his dick out and people would be like, ‘He’s a thinker.’” — Amy Schumer
  16. “I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.” — Chris Rock
  17. “I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages. That’s a lot of coloring when you think about it.” — Adam Sandler
  18. “With kids it’s so funny because they’re not strong enough to kill you. But they want to kill you so bad.” — Tina Fey
  19. “I’m always excited to see the Kardashians. The family is basically the ‘Star Wars’ franchise. They make a ton of money. A new one is always popping up! And they’re ruled by a bossy overlord who sleeps in a mask and she loves black men.” — Tiffany Haddish
  20. “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re relentless.” — Mitch Hedberg
  21. “I hate Arizona. It always eight hundred degrees outside and everybody’s always saying, ‘But it’s a dry heat!’ So’s the inside of my microwave.” — Joan Rivers
  22. “Breastfeeding is this savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now.” — Ali Wong
  23. “Your twenties are the worst part of your life that you don’t actually know at the time is terrible.” — Julie Klausner
  24. “If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?” — Robin Williams
  25. “I wear the kind of bra where if you put it on the floor, the floor would have boobs.” — Ali Wong
  26. “There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.” — Chelsea Handler
  27. “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.” — Billy Crystal
  28. “Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.” — David Letterman
  29. “Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” — Robin Williams
  30. “Never laugh at your significant other when they’re having an orgasm. That is their time to shine.” — Iliza Shlesinger
  31. “I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right.” — Richard Pryor
  32. “I can’t believe we’re still giving clothing as a gift. Cause whenever you get clothing as a present, you always open it up and you think, ‘Not even close.’ And the person that gives it is always like, ‘You can take it back if you don’t like it.’ ‘That’s alright. I’ll just throw it out.’ Don’t give me an errand.” — Jim Gaffigan
  33. “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life… unless I buy something.” — Jackie Mason
  34. “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” — Chris Rock
  35. “You don’t pay taxes – they take taxes.” — Chris Rock
  36. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” — Ellen DeGeneres
  37. “If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract.” — Jon Stewart
  38. “DIY stands for “you should’ve married someone with more money.” — Ali Wong
  39. “Have you ever dated a sex addict? At first, it’s so much fun. You’re like, ‘Am I the hottest piece of ass in the world?’ And then you’re like, ‘Oh no. He would fuck a mailbox.’” — Amy Schumer
  40. “My wife and I, we fool around pretty hardcore. We go at a pretty good. It’s fun. You know, it’s nice. We love each other, and we fucking go pretty hard and… it gets crazy. It gets pretty fucking nuts in there because it’s only me and her, nobody else. So, we’re like, “Let’s fucking… Let’s do it all,” you know? We do, uh… We do have a safe word. It’s, “Really?” — Adam Sandler
  41. “There was a point in time when we were in (Disneyland) where I lost my daughter. But I knew eventually I would run into her again, so I took that time to get on rides she couldn’t get on. When I saw her she was crying. I was like, ‘It’s not your birthday. Today’s not about you.'” — Kevin Hart
  42. “If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push ’em closer.” — Lewis Black
  43. “Marriage is good, guys. Marriage is good. You’ll like it one day if you’re not married. You just got to keep it mysterious. You got to keep the mystery alive. Like, my wife has no idea where I go for weeks at a time. – It’s fucking… It’s a big mystery.” — Adam Sandler
  44. “Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.” — Lewis Black
  45. “Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollars, we wouldn’t have any innocent bystanders.” — Chris Rock
  46. “Russia, they sneaky. Them some sneaky motherfuckers. Who else would think of those little stacking dolls? What the fuck is that? All those damn nesting dolls. That’s some sneaky shit. “Oh, here’s another one.” “Open it again.” “It’s another one! And another one! And another one! Okay, this is the last one, right? God damn, there’s another one!'” — Wanda Sykes
  47. “I wanna be able to take a stroll on a sidewalk, see a quarter, and just keep on walking.” — Ali Wong
  48. “You know what happened the last time a group of people said, ‘Screw it, we don’t care what you think’? They got hung as witches.” — Iliza Shlesinger
  49. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” — Mitch Hedberg
  50. “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.” — George Carlin
  51. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” — George Carlin
  52. “I heard this guy going around talking about how he was this big rap producer, and he was just going around and boasting and bragging. And in one of those bragging sessions, I heard him just tell somebody, ‘Hey, hey — why don’t you try making four beats a day for two summers?’ What a dangerously specific challenge that is.” — Aziz Ansari
  53. “Before you marry a person you should make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
  54. “My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” — Mark Watson
  55. “Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?” — Mickey P Kerr
  56. “Y’know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores, I’d go to church every Sunday.” — George Lopez
  57. “As long as you’re a tax deduction, you’ll always be safe in my house.” — George Lopez
  58. “Just yesterday you were my little girl on a tricycle. Now you’re a young woman in a car, running over a little girl on a tricycle.” — George Lopez
  59. “I’m a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.” — Gabriel Iglesias

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