50 Hilarious Dick, Penis, And Cock Jokes Hard Not To Love

50 Dick Jokes That Will Make It Hard Not To Laugh

October 30, 2019 Updated September 17, 2020

dick jokes

No matter your age, it’s good to check maturity at the door sometimes, and just laugh at juvenile things. And, truly, is there anything more juvenile than a good dick joke? Nope. So we’ve gone ahead and rounded up the best ones out there. These dick jokes, puns, and one liners are just the tip of the laughter iceberg. You’ll feel cocky when you tell them and get your audience laughing hard. Now that all the puns are out of the way, enjoy these hilarious, perfectly raunchy dick jokes.

1) A dick has it rough. Not only are his closest friends nuts, his backdoor neighbor’s an asshole. And if that weren’t enough, he regularly takes a beating.

2) How do you compliment someone on performing a circumcision?
Tell ’em to keep the tip.

3) Why doesn’t the rooster wear underwear?

Cause he has his pecker on his head.

4) I wouldn’t ask for a discount circumcision…

That’s just asking for a rip-off.

5) Masturbating is for dicks.

6) What’s the insensitive part at the end of the penis called again?

Oh, right, a man.

7) Why are men so thick?

Because they only have that tiny hole in their penis to get oxygen to their brain.

8) What did the elephant say to the naked man?

“How do you breathe through that thing?”

10) Why does the doctor smack babies on the butt after they are born?

To make sure the dicks get knocked off the smart ones.

dick jokes
Saturday Night Live/ NBC

11) ld Edna at the nursing home tells old Harry that if he shows her his penis she can tell him his age.

He pulls down his pants and she looks and says: “you’re 88.”

“Wow,” he says, how did you guess that?”

“You told me yesterday.”

12) There are three naughty boys in a classroom: Zip, Dick, and Pea.

The teacher leaves the room and Zip gets on top of her desk, Dick goes inside a cabinet, and Pea run out the window and waves.

The teacher comes back and says: “Hey!Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!”

13) What did the penis say to the vagina?

Don’t make me cum in there!

14) What happened to the man who built a penis out of Lego’s?

He got cock blocked.

15) Where do bad dicks go?

To the penistentiary.

16) Did you know that men have three knees?

The right knee, the left knee, and the wee knee.

17) What does the sign on a closed brothel say?

Beat it.

18) Why did the dick go crazy?

Someone was messing with his head.

19) What happened to the man who masturbated too much in the summer?

He got heat stroke.

20) What fruit is good for your sperm count?

A kumquat!

Related: These Funny Comebacks And Insults Are What Our Minds Are Really Made Of

21) What’s another name for a diaphragm?

A trampoline for dicks.

22) Where does the penis get his workout outfit?

At Dick’s Sporting Goods.

23) Life is like a dick.

It gets hard for no reason and it is much too short.

24) What does 69 equal?

A couple of mouthfuls.

25) What do you call a man with three legs?

Tom, Dick and Harry.

26) Why are you being passive aggressive, do you have a boner to pick with me or something?

27) Why did the battleship need a deep clean?

It was full of sea men.

28) What do you call a penis on a beach getaway?

Sunny D.

29) Political opinions are like dicks.

It’s OK to have them, just don’t shove them down people’s throats.

30) Why don’t ants have dicks?

If they did, they would be uncles!


dick jokes
Warner Bros.

31) Did you hear about the man with 5 dicks?

His pants fit like a glove.

32)Religion is like a penis.It’s fine to have one. It’s fine to be proud of it. But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around.

33) What did the penis say to the condom?

Cover me, I’m going in!

34) Did you see the statue of a dick?

They just erected it.

35) What do you call a printed dick pic?

A hard copy.

36) What do you call a self-centered penis?


37) My boss told me to stop shortening his name to Dick.

I guess it’s because his name is Matthew.

38) What do you call a bunny with a crooked dick?

Fucks Funny.

39) Rude people are like dicks.

They’re always popping up at inopportune times and they deserve a good beating.

40) Woman: Is having a penis fun?

Man: Oh, it has its ups and downs.

41) The best penis joke ever…

I would tell you, but it’s long.

42) How long is my dick?

I don’t know. I only have one ruler.

43) What’s the best penis joke?

I’ll share it but it isn’t very long.

44) What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?

Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.

45) A pirate walks into a bar with a wheel attached to the front of his pants.

“Isn’t that uncomfortable?” asks the bartender.

“YARR, It’s driving me nuts!”

46) What’s the difference between your jokes and your penis?

Nobody laughs at your jokes.

47) I tried phone sex once. But the holes in the dialer were too small.

48) My penis was in the Guinness book of world records.
Then the librarian told me to take it out.

49) Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Some who?
Some dickhead talking to a knock knock joke.

50) What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis?

A penis