I Want Another Baby, But My Husband Doesn't, And It's Killing Me

by Karen Millan
Originally Published: 
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When my husband and I disagree, the most logical solution is to compromise, meet in the middle.

Sometimes that isn’t always easy but in the end, bending and sacrificing just a little bit for the person you love, to see them happy, is the only way to make things work.

Here we are completely at odds, on total opposite sides of the fence and there’s just no compromise. There’s no middle to meet in, not this time.

He won’t give me a child.

I love this man, I’ve loved him since our very first date (though I won’t admit that to him). He is without a doubt my soul mate. He drives me crazy and works every single nerve that I have, but at the end of a long day all I desire is to join him in our big comfy bed and feel his body next to mine. He is my very best friend in the entire world. There have been times I’ve told him I didn’t want to be with him during a fit of rage, but the truth is, if we ended things today I don’t think I would ever fully recover from it; he’s part of what makes me who I am.

In the early months of dating we discussed how we weren’t “kid people” (even though we have three children total from previous relationships), we laughed at the thought of having more children and pitied friends welcoming new babies. Children would never be a part of our plan, we agreed.

But that was before….

Before we gained custody of his two children, before we got engaged and then married, before we started this amazing yet exhausting life together. Honestly, it was before I could even imagine living the life I have today. I didn’t want a baby because my life style wasn’t suitable for one. I was still adjusting to starting life over after a few very rough years, I was having fun with little responsibility while still searching for who I was. When I met my husband he was a weekend dad, at most. His house did not have beds for his children and very few toys toys, if we hadn’t had discussions about his children and weren’t from the same small town, there would be little evidence that he was a father. My daughter was living close to full-time with her dad while I went through my adjustments and put the pieces of my life back together. The first few months I shared with Cody were fun, reckless, and carefree. We consumed our lives with each other, went on tons of dates, ate take-out in bed daily, and came and went as we pleased.

Then it all changed all at once, in a one-week period.

We gained joint custody of his two children, moved in together, and he started a third-shift job. My daughter was also spending a lot of time with us. There was a big adjustment period to say the least. Through the tears, learning, accepting, and all that other emotional stuff that comes with change, I dove right in. Cooking meals, buying clothes, doing homework. I went from zero responsibility to putting every ounce of my energy into my instant family of five.

I will say, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Here it’s a year and a half later and I won’t say everyday is easy, but we have all found our groove. We’ve adjusted, we’ve thrived. During that year and a half, Cody and I got engaged then married. I also enrolled in college full time, and he’s joined the Army reserves. All of which were more adjustments, more learning, more stress but we have made it. On our very worst days I can easily look back and see how far we have come in such a short amount of time. I didn’t kill him while planning our wedding, though I came close. The first month of marriage was HARD, I cried nearly everyday but we made it through that too. College was a nightmare in the beginning. Work, kids, and school is a lot, too much at times but then I found my groove like always.

So here I am asking for this baby, the baby that he has the power to give me but he doesn’t have the heart to give it.

His reasons are valid.

Kids are expensive, kids are annoying, kids don’t let you sleep, he likes our alone time together, our three kids are older, kids weren’t part of his plan. Like I said, all valid reasons.

But here I sit, searching for understanding because no matter how valid his reasoning is my heart still aches.

And this is why…

Two step-children are expensive. Whether they live with us or he pays child support, kids of all ages are pretty annoying at times, and believe it or not, even at ages six and ten, they are still a factor in our lack of sleep, whether it’s because they are sick, or I’m up late finishing personal things like school work or bathing because I spent normal daylight hours at their soccer games or helping with homework, or cooking dinner or curling hair. I like alone time too and, yes, we only have them 182 days a year, but between work, school, the reserves, and their unstable mother switching the schedule, alone time is already a thing of the past. Step-kids weren’t part of my plan, especially step-kids with an unbearable mother I have to deal with for the next 18 years. But here I am.

So yes, all of his reasons are valid, but the very same reasons he has for not wanting to give me a child are things that I didn’t let stand in the way of us becoming the beautiful family we are today. I took the challenges and obstacles as they came. During becoming a step-mom and wife I’ve had highs and lows, success and failure. There’s been days I’ve cried because this life wasn’t my plan and truthfully it’s harder than I could have ever imagined.

But then I look at the positive impact I have had on my step kids, knowing God put me in their life for a reason. I can literally feel how much they love me and let me tell you it’s a lot. I see the bond I have helped them build with their father, the dad who was at one time only a weekend dad. Then there’s the little things like, sweet notes addressed “to mom,” or the “I get that from April” comments the little one makes when she does something silly and her dad asks her where she learned it. A sleepy head laid comfortably in my lap, or a heartfelt “I love you”as they run out the door, and just like that my “plan” is no longer valid, my life now is bigger than any plan I could have ever imagined because this is what life is about. This is what makes the hard days and long nights worth it, and its what gives me purpose.

That’s the thing about life.

Nine times out of ten you aren’t doing what you planned. That’s what life is, a bunch of adjusting and learning and doing things you don’t want to do, that sometimes turn into things you love doing or couldn’t imagine life without. Those same things that you had to learn or had to adjust to or simply didn’t want to do are the every same things that define you and make you the person you are.

This is my fear.

This choice, this baby, is absolutely a glitch in Cody’s plan. He’s already gone through that season of life with his wife, weather he feels the first experience put a bad taste in his mouth or simply because he’s already been there done that, it’s something he doesn’t want. I am not resentful; I am hurt. Having a baby will put Cody’s plan off track, it will require some adjustment, but never less, we will adjust and thrive just as we have with every other unplanned, life changing event in our lives. My fear is not having a baby will define who I am, and quite possibly break me and I’m not sure any of us can adjust to that.

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