What Happens When Dad Watches The Kids

When my husband suggests that I go shopping, get my nails done, or meet a girlfriend for dinner sans my small counterparts, it’s always a real treat. I’m a stay-at-home mom, so when given the chance to put on clothes other than spandex and walk out of my house into civilization, I rarely deny myself the opportunity.

However, the day that follows is always an adventure—an exciting yet confusing scavenger hunt, if you will. I don’t know how things get so crazy once Dad is running the roost, but I have stumbled across some pretty peculiar things.

The most recent “discoveries” I have made after Dad watches the kids are as follows:

1. Both children are clothed, which is refreshing, but all of their clothes are on inside-out or three sizes too small. The most disturbing part: No one freakin’ cares. They are carrying on with their lives as if wearing our clothes inside-out is normal practice. It’s not. It’s not normal.

2. Three plastic balls are floating in my toilet. I’m assuming Daddy was working with our 2-year-old son on his throwing skills. It seems that the child got a few balls past playroom lines—undetected.

3. A pair of my underwear is in the instant oatmeal box. Why the hell was my toddler in the pantry unattended with my underwear? I’ll seriously never know.

4. One of my toddler’s green high-top shoes is next to the milk in the refrigerator. In the shoe was a used, wadded-up tissue. No clue.

5. A small, perfectly folded up dirty diaper is strategically stowed under the couch (with a repulsive odor that stung the nostrils when inhaled). We’ve been working on “being a helper” and asking my son to throw away the diapers after he’s been changed. Clearly, he got distracted.

6. The TV remote wasn’t working. I was extremely agitated because this mama needs her morning news. When I turned the remote over, I saw that the back was open, and there are no batteries. I leave the house for a couple hours and someone steals all of the batteries. Crazy.

7. When transferring my baby vomit and breastmilk-stained clothes from my dirty hamper to the washing machine, I found a lime green truck, a red Corvette and an orange Porsche—all tiny model cars. Now, I know my husband wasn’t attempting to do laundry, so it could not have been him who placed these here. I don’t even think my better half even knows where the dirty clothes hamper or laundry room are.

8. When getting an apple out of the fridge for a snack, I realize that someone, with an extremely miniature mouth, has taken a bite from my apple. In fact, all of my apples have a bite taken out of them. There is also an orange that has what appears to be a bite mark. From the looks of it, my toddler couldn’t quite get through the tough exterior, and it gave up. At least he put it back for all other family members to enjoy. He’s super thoughtful like that.

9. When changing into my workout attire (that I have no intention of working out in), I spot a package of thick-cut smoked hickory bacon in the bin that houses my sports bras. I don’t even know what to think about this one—except that bacon sounds good right now.

10. In one of my shoes lay a bright blue Easter egg containing what appeared to be half of a grilled chicken nugget from Chick-fil-A. It then resembled beef jerky. This would be my firstborn’s personal version of “surprise eggs.” If you are unfamiliar with this term, please reference YouTube. You’ll instantly regret this decision.

11. Pretend play food randomly “hidden” throughout my entire living room. Mostly in candle holders and lanterns. One piece, a plastic bagel, is adhered to the wall with what appears to be hot-pink Play-Doh. Where were ya on this one, dear?

Now, I am very appreciative for my time of freedom, but these great surprises always leave me wondering—where was my husband for all of this? Looking up vintage cars? Working? Playing video games? Or was he right beside my son, coaching him through these acts of destruction?

I’d put my money on the last one. They’re both lunatics.