These Cringe-Worthy Dates From Hell Are A Lesson In What Not To Do

We’ve all been on those dates when we just aren’t feeling it. Either the chemistry is off, or we aren’t interested in the same thing, or the conversation lags. These meh dates are unpleasant and annoying — especially when we realize we’d rather be at home doing a mask while watching the latest This Is Us — and we wonder how we’ll make it through the evening.

But what’s even more terrifying is being on a date from hell. I’m talking about the panic attack-inducing dates where you can’t seem to find a way out, and you wonder if the person sitting next to you has ever been on a date before. You feel as though there’s nowhere to turn, and you are sure to be scared for life from the experience.

As a single mom who is dating again after almost 20 years out of the pool, I needed to hear these stories in order to feel better about my current situation. I’m not going to lie — it totally worked. Let’s share with the class some of our horrific experiences, shall we?

“I drove over an hour to meet an online date,” said 40-year-old Will. “When I got to the bar we agreed to meet at, I found out she had been separated for only a few days. There were a bunch of her friends sitting at the bar watching us, and she kept going up to them to see how she was doing. At the end of the night, she went to pay the tab for all the extra drinks she ordered, and her credit card was declined. It was a mess.”

Will was a gentlemen and paid for his date’s booze, but people should tell the fucking truth about their life. Such was the case with Sheila when a guy she met had kept a secret from her: “I met a guy online and he seemed nice. When we met, he said he had a confession and then proceeded to kick his false teeth loose in his mouth and said the benefit was he gave good face rides. He never understood why I never called him again.”

Hmmmm, somehow false teeth and “face rides” don’t seem to belong in the same conversation. But hold the phone, things were worse for Kathy:

“I met a guy on Match and we went to a bar for drinks,” she said. “He kept excusing himself to go to the bathroom. Each time he came back he seemed weirder…finally a guy who had been sitting next to us ended up in the bathroom at the same time as my date. This guy told me that Mr. Date was doing lines of coke in the bathroom, and he would cover for me if I wanted to take off. I took him up on his offer. Never heard from Mr. Date again…maybe he’s still in that bathroom.”

I’m thinking if you are going to stick around for a date like that, you need to check yourself. But what’s more uncomfortable, having a guy do drugs in the bathroom or have an emotional mess at the end of a date? You decide after listening to Leigh’s experience:

“I got set up on a date with a divorced 26-year-old when I was 18. I learned all throughout the night about his divorce, his ex and his two kids, and all the dating he’d been doing. The extremely uncomfortable drive home was so loooooong. I kept praying, please dear God, do not let him try to kiss me. We pulled up in front of my house, he put the car in park, then got out and walked around the car and opened my door. I got out of the car and he grabbed me, pulled me into him and he started to cry. He started to sob uncontrollably, hugging me and telling me he wasn’t ready, his kids weren’t ready for a stepmom… It went on and all I wanted to do was run in my house.”

News fucking flash: A first date doesn’t equal marriage, someone needs to send that dude the memo. And there are a few dudes out there who need a lesson in manners, like the guy Anna met at a brewery:

“I went to a brewery with a guy I met on Tinder, there was no food and all his friends were there. He ignored me the whole time and I ended up drinking too much. I told him I had to leave and needed to eat. He was mad and when I confronted him about not talking to me all day, he called me a Tinder Nightmare. I was so upset I left my purse in his car and he never sent it back even though I asked him several times. I loved that purse, dammit.”

I would have been pissed about the purse, too. But Kristy has a nightmare of a story no woman wants to get involved in:

“I went out on a date with a resident physician I really liked. We had a great time and he’d left some stuff at my place so I sent him a message letting him know. It wasn’t long before I got a text from his wife letting me know he was married.”

Yikes. That’s is definitely the worst case scenario, well, maybe next to Robin’s horror story:

“I went on a date with a guy who was on Ashley Madison, got a woman pregnant while he was still married, then he got a divorce after he got caught. Then he told me his ex-wife was dating a bank robber. Yes, he told me this on our first date.”

Who wouldn’t want a second date with that shitstorm? But this guy Abby met up with legit makes me want to punch him in the taint. Twice.

“This guy I’d been talking to begged to meet for for coffee after I told him I was in the area visiting a friend,” Abby said. “I finally agreed to meet him after my friend and I spent time together. I walked into the coffee shop and as soon as he saw me from across the room, he walked up to me and said he had a work thing and had to go. I asked if he was just actually bailing on me because of the way I looked. He said, ‘yup’ and walked out.”

I’d be surprised if that guy is still in the dating world. And has both balls in tact after acting like such an asshat. And what would you do if you were in the following situation?

“I met a guy out after talking with him online for over a week,” Meg related. “I was waiting in my car and the place we were going to was closed. He hopped in my car so we could find a new place to go and I noticed his jeans were stained brown and they were filthy. There was shit on the bottom of his shoes from farm manure. He’d been working with goats all day and didn’t change. Don’t get me wrong, I’m an animal lover and adore goats, but the crap was falling off his shoes into my car.”

Please pass the air freshener. I can’t even.

Can you top these? Let’s hear it.