The New Mom's Guide To Decoding The Pediatrician

by Ali Solomon
Originally Published: 

The pediatrician: Champion of sniffles, dispenser of wisdom (and rubella shots), imparter of hard truths about your child and their weird rash. But sometimes it’s hard to read between the lines and understand what the good doctor is REALLY trying to tell you (especially over the cacophony of hacking coughs and newly-immunized babies). Here’s how to crack the pediatric code:

1. Pediatrician: “Very few babies have a negative reaction to the flu shot.”

Translation: “Your baby will react to the flu injection the way Bruce Banner reacts to stress.”

2. Pediatrician: “Breastfeed your baby for as long as you can.”

Translation: “As long as it is for at least a year, or your baby will grow up ugly and be bad at math.”

3. Pediatrician: “Your baby is in the 95th percentile for height and weight.”

Translation: “Stop feeding your baby so @#$% much.”

4. Pediatrician: “The color, consistency, and quantity of your baby’s poop seems perfectly normal.”

Translation: “Please stop saving dirty diapers and showing them to me during the appointment.”

5. Pediatrician: “Your child has a virus that will go away on its own.”

Translation: “It is illegal for me to prescribe codeine for a toddler.”

6. Pediatrician: “It will take me five business days to fill out those forms for school.”

Translation: “I will be in St. Thomas for the next two weeks.”

7. Pediatrician: “If I kept every child home who wasn’t 100% healthy, classrooms would be empty.”

Translation: “You should return the sterile plastic isolation bubble and send your kid to school.”

8. Pediatrician: “Please don’t hesitate to call me if you have any concerns.”

Translation: “If you contact me at 3 am for a runny nose, your future calls will go directly to voicemail.

9. Pediatrician: “Because of your continuing concerns, I recommend that your child see a specialist.”

Translation: “A psychologist who specializes in children of hypochondriacs.”

10. Pediatrician: “See you in two months.”

Translation: “See you in two days when you mistake a mosquito bite for leprosy.”

Related post: Can Every Pediatrician In The World Watch This?

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