Why I Stopped Doing This In My Relationships

by Lecia Michelle
Originally Published: 
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I’m educated, independent, and financially secure.

I’ve also dumbed myself down so I didn’t intimidate men. Albeit, I was in my 30s the last time I performed this “I’m not as smart as I seem” ritual, but I’ve done it. Looking back, I understand why I decided not to focus on my accomplishments when I met and dated guys.

So tell me about yourself.

That’s what they asked me, so I did. I talked about my job and my accomplishments, likes and passions. In my mind, it was pretty normal stuff. I’m not rich, but I do okay for myself. I was always open to hearing about my date’s successes, and I was genuinely happy for them when they talked about what they had accomplished.

I’ve never wanted a man to take care of me. In my past relationships, we took care of each other. There was a give and take to us. Many times, however, I’ve come across the guy who, several dates later, says something like this:

“I don’t know what to do for you. You don’t need anything from me.”

I translate this into, “You don’t need me to take care of you.” Maybe in the traditional sense from the 1950s, I don’t. I’m not interested in spending every evening in the kitchen getting dinner ready for you when you come in the door. Yes, I cook. I cook every well actually. I’m a great housekeeper. I’m also a good provider. And I want a partner who appreciates my accomplishments and supports me when I say I want to keep climbing in my career.

Men who seriously ask what they can do for me are the ones I avoid like the plague now. They’re either looking for traditional male/female roles where the man is the provider and the woman is the caregiver/homemaker or they’re insecure in their own lives. Now, there is nothing wrong with traditional roles, but why can’t the roles be reversed when needed? Men don’t realize how much women love when they do household chores without asking and without expecting a thank you as if what they did is beyond the norm.

Men who are insecure about women more accomplished than they are? That’s a personal problem. No woman should have to dim her successes so a man feels better about himself. And, women, let’s stop doing this. We should be more like men. They take every opportunity to tell anyone who will listen how they won that day. What do we do? We sit there with our ankles crossed acting like their words are music to our ears.

And we say little or nothing about what we’ve won that day. We must stop being afraid that talking about ourselves will run off a potentially good catch. If that’s all it takes for them to hit the door, lock it behind them and move on. Look for a guy who not only wants you to lift him up but also wants to lift you up. This is 2019. No woman should hide the parts of themselves they worked so hard to achieve just because some man can’t handle it.

Look at this way. Say you successfully create a demure, unassuming image of yourself. But neither of these words really describes you. But you got the guy, and he marries you. What on earth do you talk to him about? Do you spend every evening listening to his stories, his day, and his experiences while you quietly sit there never sharing your own? What do you tell him? It will never feel good or natural to parse out your own accomplishments in the hopes you won’t damage his ego. And that will be your life.

So the guys who already see you as some kind of threat to their manhood? Leave them alone. Find a man who dreams with you and wishes success and happiness for both of you. Look for the guy who asks you about your day and rejoices in everything you accomplish. Be with the one who sees your achievements as success for both of you. Don’t give your time and energy to the guy who tries to diminish you. Give it to the guy who loves to watch you shine.

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