15 Times Showering Is Optional

by Sage K. Penn
Originally Published: 
take a shower
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Feminine grooming is equivalent to the ninth circle of hell. It’s a part-time job to manage the various housekeeping tasks required to maintain the female form, amiright? We could add an hour of productive time to each day if showering wasn’t required. Hot water, shampoo, shave pits, conditioner, shave legs, inspect and maintain lady garden, wash face, exfoliate face, moisturize, and finally spend 10 minutes examining new lines and wrinkles and wondering what a facelift or Botox would look like. It’s such a pain. Sometimes literally.

So, for your pleasure, I present the times showering should be optional:

1. When your kid has a school party, and the teacher “volunteers” you to bring 40 gluten-free cupcakes. If your personal scent overwhelms the wheat-free cupcake aroma, you will never be at risk for forced baking again.

2. When you hate your co-workers. Free yourself from the ninth circle by making those jacknuts take your place.

3. When you’re feeling antisocial, and it’s time for the yearly office party. Your personal space is guaranteed to be people-free.

4. When your husband is trying to get in your pants, and you are not interested. Use words like crust or yeasty or moist.

5. The day after sex—you did the sex, now you get a day off.

6. When you buy stock in baby wipes.

7. When you also buy stock in panty liners.

8. When you know you will use public transportation. You will blend seamlessly into the unwashed masses. It doesn’t pay to stand out on a city bus—trust me on this.

9. Monday. Such a drag. Rub in some dry shampoo and call it a day.

10. Wednesday. Hump day. If you make it to the end of the day, you have been successful. No need to complicate that with hygiene.

11. The weekend. No one needs to know you are rocking a ponytail because you wanted an extra hour to peruse Facebook and catch up on gossip.

12. The infant years. Eh. No one sees you except the clerks at Target and your newborn. The Target dude doesn’t look you in the eye anyway, and the newborn likes how you smell.

13. After swimming. Chlorine is the new soap. You can’t possibly be growing anything funky in your armpits after being immersed in the public pool for an hour, coaxing your tiny one to participate in mommy and me swim lessons. Even if someone pees, it is immediately neutralized by the 5 tons of bleach in the pool water.

14. When you schedule a playdate with your daughter’s best friends, the twins Clover and Sunflower. Hell, you could skip weeks of shaving and not a soul at that playdate would bat an eyelash. You would be welcomed with open pits—I mean, arms—and you could have conversations about no-poo shampoo and coconut oil as a cleanser.

15. The day after a haircut. Why take a shower and ruin the professional styling? Besides, salon products smell great and can cover a multitude of less desirable odors.

You get the idea here? Showering is optional any time you feel like it. It’s your body. That’s right—treat it however you want to!

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