I’ve worn my hair in a messy bun for as long as I can remember. I like the way it looks, yes, but there’s nothing like coming home and taking off my bra and putting my hair up.
It wasn’t until a few months into my new relationship that I found out my boyfriend didn’t like the messy bun look. He didn’t say it directly but we were watching a show and I said something about how I thought the main character looked better with her hair thrown up and no makeup on than when she was in full makeup with her hair done.
While he agreed with me about the makeup, he mentioned how he didn’t really like buns. His comment made zero difference to me and he sees me wearing my bun all the damn time. I didn’t even bother to ask him if he liked it on me — because while I love him, I don’t fucking care. I like it and that’s enough.
I also get Botox and fillers. It’s something I started doing after we started our relationship and it makes me unbelievably happy. He’s said things like, “Why do you do that, you don’t need to, you are so beautiful,” which is nice and I appreciate but if I’m being honest here, my boyfriend really needs glasses. Like for real, because his sight isn’t the best.
He has to squint when he looks at his phone and more times than not he leaves his readers in the car and I have to read the menu to him.
My point is, it’s my body and my face — and if there’s something I want to do with it, I will, regardless of what he thinks. He knows this about me, doesn’t say a word when I have my hair in a messy bun or make a comment when he sees my bruising from the injections that make me feel like a better version of myself.
I’ve heard stories from friends about how their partners will argue with them about how they look or what they wear. They range from husband’s not talking to them after they get their lips filled saying they “ruined themselves,” to women having a mommy makeover — major surgery with a serious recovery — because their husbands wanted them to.
My sister used to date a man who wanted her to dress a certain way and to grow out her armpit hair — something she didn’t want to do, but she did it for him.
One of my high school friends lives in New York City and says that there are men who schedule all kinds of procedures for their wives after they have kids.
No.
Being married or partnered with someone does not take away your autonomy. I’ve never understood women who keep their long hair because their spouses don’t like short hair on women. I specifically remember my father saying this to my mother when they were married. As soon as they divorced, she cut her hair.
I remember him taking that same tone with me when I was in junior high and wanted to get my hair cut short.
I literally wasn’t allowed to have the hairstyle I wanted. That cast a fire in me and I couldn’t wait to get older and do whatever the hell I wanted to with my body.
People are individuals. We should wear what we want, color our hair the color we want, throw away the razors if we want.
If you ask me, a partner who is trying to micromanage and control what you put in your mouth, how often you go to the gym, or scheduling a fucking mommy makeover for you, needs to be tossed away.
The problem lies within them — not you.
We know what feels right to us. We know what feels good. If you want to have that procedure, or change the way you eat, work out, or have all your body hair lasered off, that’s great.
But it should only be to please one person: Yourself.
I don’t feel the need to tell my boyfriend what to wear. He doesn’t exercise like I do and he has a belly he’s self-conscious about that I absolutely love. He doesn’t like beards or scruff, something that gets me hot. But I have zero desire to try and change him or take away all the things that make him himself.
If you are with someone who wants to control the way you look and patrol your outfits, it’s time to get rid of them already.
Not only is it exhausting to be with someone like this because you feel like you are walking on eggshells, you aren’t being true to your individual style — and there are so many people out there who love you for you, and we need you to be okay.
Wear what you want, eat what you want, shave what you want. Just always make sure you are being true to yourself and not trying to please someone else by conforming to their stupid standards.
Because regardless of how hard you try, people like that will never be pleased … and you are better off without them.
