When Your Sex Toys Are Discovered
It’s hard to identify exactly how many women own/have owned vibrators, but some statistics suggest it’s about 50%. Then again, who really cares about the numbers? For many women, buying a vibrator (or other sex toys) is a step toward taking control of your own sexual pleasure and demanding that you deserve to have a good time in bed, too.
Chances are, you’ve had a sex toy conversation with your close friends. Talking about sex toys can be really weird at first — especially since we don’t live in the most sex-positive society. And it’s awkward scoping out which friends are safe to share your “top drawer secret” with. We all eventually share it with someone, but it’s nerve-wracking when that secret comes out before you’re ready.
In a perfect world, our sex toys would remain private. In a world where we have kids, we have a little less control.
Unfortunately, there have been times when my adventurous three-year-old has gone through our dresser — or happened to look on the side of the bed — and come down the stairs with an unwelcome surprise.
These experiences remind us that vibrators are normal, but that doesn’t make it any less embarrassing. The following are a few anonymous accounts of women whose sex toys became public knowledge without their permission. And guess what, they all lived to see another day.
Have you ever sent an image that said much more than a thousand words? A close friend of mine did! Back when I worked full time, she watched my kids and would regularly send me cute pictures of him — you know, first-time parent anxiety. And one time in particular, she sent me an adorable picture. But whoops! Her sex toy was visible in the background. It was at that moment I realized we’d be friends for a looong time.
The Dog Ate It
One woman had a particularly hilarious story involving her dogs latest chew toy: “I once plugged mine in to charge, and half an hour later came upstairs to find my pups had taken it off the charger and were wrestling over it.” No, Fido! NO!
A Secret Relief
Chronic pains can be debilitating, but for one person, it made a great cover-up for a special type of massager.
“I kept one of my vibrators in a cabinet and it must have gotten knocked around because it started up and it was VERY loud. You could hear it downstairs. I couldn’t figure out what the noise was. When I finally figured it out, you guessed it — the kids were there. Fortunately, it was a bullet vibrator so it didn’t look like a vibrator. I passed it off as some kind of specific massager to help with pain.”
Apparently, Clifford isn’t the only big red thing you can find in peoples homes.
“I hid my big, red, ribbed and bumped [vibrator] that also fits in a strap-on on top of a huge tall wardrobe in my bedroom. Forgot it was there until the cable guy came to hook up the satellite and stood on the bed to feed the cable up through the wall to the satellite dish on the roof in that corner of the room. I brazened it out with a huge cheeky grin and just left it there so he had to look at it because I wasn’t taking it down at that point and trying to hide it!” recalled one sex toy user.
A Friend In The Wall
For one woman, college memories were a little less than traditional. She said a girlfriend in college was studying for finals and there was an awful sound in the wall. It just wouldn’t stop for more than a day. When she called the landlord, he thought it might be a plumbing issue or an animal. But when the handyman pulled the bed away from the wall, a very large vibrator fell to the floor. Somehow it had become trapped between the bed and the wall and she wasn’t able to see it when investigating the sound.
As if that weren’t embarrassing enough, the landlord had the handyman send her the bill and it just said “dildo.” It was posted to her fridge for a long time!
A Little Help Packing
Have you heard the one about the lady whose in-laws help pack up their house for a move, but happen to find a sex toy? Well, one mom we talked to hadn’t even considered the possibility — until she unpacked the boxes!
Apparently, some of the best sex toy stories happen when we’re passersby.
“When I was waiting to board the plane a few years ago, the TSA folks were searching a woman’s suitcase and the guy found and accidentally dropped her dildo. One of her kids retrieved it while she and her husband looked like they wanted to die.”
Mommy’s Good Friend
This story has to be my favorite. I wonder how that level of openness will impact the kids long-term…
“I’m pretty open about sex with the kids and my vibrator is not hidden, just in the drawer next to my bed. Every once in a while one of my kids finds it, says, ‘WHAT’S THIS?!’ and I reply cheerily, ‘Oh! It’s my vibrator! It’s for making sex feel reeeeally good.’ And every single time they silently replace it in the drawer, and then turn and walk away without saying a word. I think their little minds are just like ‘Welp. That didn’t happen.'”
Please Don’t Eat THAT
Kids put a ton of things in their mouth, but this story is one we hope not to relive.
“My son, who is 6 and autistic and puts everything in his mouth, was literally seconds away from putting my hot pink vibrator in his mouth because I forgot to put away before he woke up and came in my room. Luckily my husband caught him before it went in.”
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to take a ride on a rocket ship, I can’t tell ya. But I have heard a hilarious story about one from a lady.
“I heard a story about a kid who brought his mom’s dildo in for show and tell and said, ‘This is my mom’s rocket ship.’ And the mom worked at the school!”
I would love to tell you that we should all be unashamed of our vibrators and ask, “Who cares if folks find out we’re normal sexual beings?” But it wouldn’t make me ready to handle the embarrassment of my mom coming across our kinky drawer. So, until I’m ready, I won’t ask you to be there either. Long live our dirty little secrets.
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