45+ England Jokes So Funny Shakespeare Could Never

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
england jokes
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If Mr. Bean and Queen Elizabeth are the only things you know about England, then chalk this up as your (comedic) education on all things English, British, and the U.K. Think being English precludes one from being funny? Ha! After all, the Brits gave us Monty Python, Shakespeare’s comedies, and all the rain jokes in the world. (They also gave us the treasures that are Doctor Who and The Office!) British humor is tongue-in-cheek, witty, and satiric to a fault. It is no wonder since it has a wealth of topics to tap into, between the British royal family, Brexit, and a snooty posh accent. Oh, yes, and also a troubling history of England leaving destruction and ruination behind wherever it went.

So grab a spot of tea, blast some Beatles hits, and get in the mood for the funniest and corniest England jokes and puns. We’ve got something for all tastes, with a healthy smattering of London, William Shakespeare, Manchester, and Brexit jokes. Honestly, it’s the best British jokes collection this side of the pond. Cheerio!


England Jokes and Puns

  1. How does every English joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.

  1. What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?

A referee.

  1. What do you call London without electricity?


  1. What does the Loch Ness monster eat?

Fish and ships.

  1. My father is a bus driver that circles Big Ben in London.

He works around the clock.

  1. Did you know that Shakespeare once made a performance about puns?

It was a play on words.

  1. Remember when Britain was still part of the EU?

I still remember it like it was yesterday.

  1. What did Shakespeare eat for lunch?

Caesar salad.

  1. A woman just fainted whilst riding The London Eye.

She’s slowly coming round.

  1. I bought some new “London Bridge Jeans.”

They keep falling down.

  1. What’s the largest export of Great Britain?

Independence days.

  1. The past tense of William Shakespeare

Wouldiwas Shookspeared.

  1. What did America say to Britain when it fell over?


  1. Why does Britain like tea so much?

Because tea leaves.

  1. Why don’t Americans spell “color” like “colour?”

It was their way of telling Great Britain that they don’t need u.

  1. Brits prefer brooms over vacuum cleaners when it comes to cleaning their floors.

But that might be a sweeping generalization.

  1. What do you call someone who is only kind of from Britain?


  1. How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?

No Brussels!

  1. What did Britain say to its trade partners?

See EU later.

  1. What do Great Britain and bad houseguests have in common?

They take forever to leave…

  1. What do the Brits eat for breakfast?

Cheerios ‘ol chap.

  1. What do you call a restaurant that only serves pancakes?

All Day Brexit.

  1. Knock, knock!

Who’s there? Doctor! Doctor who? That’s a great T.V. show, isn’t it?

  1. “What is black and white and red all over? An English steak hideously overcooked and ruined further by the addition of ketchup and mayonnaise.” — Marcel Lucont
  2. What do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation?

Returning to the scene of the crime.

  1. A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.

She must be exhausted.

  1. What is the longest word in the English language?

‘Smiles.’ Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.

  1. What do people like to wear in England?


  1. What do you call a Dollar Store in England?

Pound Town.

  1. Why did pirates never sail down the River Thames?


  1. The inventor of the Oxford Comma has died.

Tributes have been lead by J.K. Rowling, his wife and the Queen of England.

  1. An English man was left in a vegetative state after being hit by a car, bus, tractor and trailer.

It was an Oxford Coma.

  1. What did Shakespeare call his shower?


  1. To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.


  1. What did Shakespeare’s dog say to him when he was taken to the vet?

From the windows To the walls Till the Vet Cuts off my balls.

  1. Do you know what the difference is between Shakespeare and Eminem?

Eminem had no ghostwriter.

  1. What do British women call their menstruation cycles?

A bloody mess.

  1. How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

  1. What’s the difference between Google Chrome and Manchester City.

Chrome has history.

  1. What’s the difference between a triangle and Manchester United?

A triangle has three points.

  1. The Beatles all walk into an orange underwater vehicle.

Oops, wrong sub.

  1. What did Ringo say before the Beatles broke up?

“Hey, guys! Can we try some of my songs?”

  1. What would Sir Paul McCartney sing to an octopus?

I wanna hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand.

  1. Why did they name it Brexit?

They should have gone for the Great British Break Off!

  1. What do Brexit and my dog have in common?

They beg to be let out, but just sit at the door when they finally are.

  1. What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup? Stop playing FIFA and go to bed.
  2. Why is England the wettest country? Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

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