120 Quotes From 'The Office' That Will Make All The Dunderheads LOL

120 Iconic Quotes From ‘The Office’ That Will Make All The Dunderheads LOL

October 29, 2019 Updated September 16, 2020

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If you’ve ever worked in an office before you know just how depressing, aggravating, and just plain weird, it can be. Which is why The Office remains so consistently funny and its producer has gone on to helm Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Parks And Rec! The U.S. sitcom introduced us to the zany characters at Dunder Mifflin and, in doing so, gave us a reprieve from our sad cubicle jobs. Between hilarious pranks, funny one-liners, and overall craziness, The Office offers up many memorable quotes that still make us laugh. Below are some of the best you’ll ever have…That’s what she said!

RELATED: ‘The Office’ Kids’ Book Is Like Muppet Babies For Dunder-Mifflin – Fatherly

  1. “Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.” – Michael Scott
  2. “I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.” — Dwight Schrute
  3. “Everything I have I owe to this job…this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.” – Jim Halpert
  4. “And I feel God in this Chili’s tonight.” – Pam Beesley
  5. “I normally don’t enjoy making people laugh.” – Angela Martin
  6. “I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to tune myself out.” – Kelly Kapoor
  7. “The Dunder Mifflin stock symbol is D.M.I. Do you know what that stands for? Dummies, Morons, and Idiots. Because that’s what you’d have to be to own it. And as one of those idiots, I believe the board owes me answers.” – Oscar Martinez
  8. “Me think, why waste time say lot word, when few word do trick.” – Kevin Malone
  9. “I’m glad Michael’s getting help. He has a lot of issues, and he’s stupid.” – Phyllis Lapin-Vance
  10. “It’s true. Around this office in the past I have been a little abrupt with people. But the doctor said, if I can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die.” – Stanley Hudson
  11. “I wanna do a cartwheel. But real casual like. Not enough to make a big deal out of it, but I know everyone saw it. One stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.” – Creed Bratton
  12. “A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and my cousin, Mufasa, was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and um, we all took it really hard.” – Ryan Howard
  13. “No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them.” — Michael Scott
  14. “Dwight mercy-killed Angela’s cat.” – Pam Beesley
  15. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott

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  16. “Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are just too flashy.” – Angela Martin
  17. “Look, it doesn’t take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn’t have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?” – Oscar Martinez
  18. “An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… An office is a place where dreams come true.” – Michael Scott
  19. “I run a small fake-ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the Sheriff’s station.” – Creed Bratton
  20. “I got six numbers, one more and it would have been a complete phone number.” – Kevin Malone
  21. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” – Michael Scott
  22. “The man is wearing sandals. I don’t need to see Oscar’s toes at work. Gross! I mean he looks like he just got off the boat.” – Angela Martin
  23. “So this is my life. Until I win the lottery. Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books.” – Jim Halpert
  24. “If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die.” – Stanley Hudson
  25. “Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.” — Michael Scott
  26. “Well, this is what happened. Uh, Ryan’s big project was the website. Which wasn’t doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice. Once as offices and once in the website sales, which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard.” – Oscar Martinez
  27. “The worst thing about prison was the dementors.” – Michael Scott
  28. “Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year.” – Dwight Schrute
  29. “Oh I don’t think it’s blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won’t tell everyone that she’s cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.” – Phyllis Lapin-Vance
  30. “You know what they say about a car wreck, where it’s so awful you can’t look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.” – Pam Beesley

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  31. “Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.” – Michael Scott
  32. “I am proud to announce that there is a new addition to the Martin family. She’s hypoallergenic. She doesn’t struggle when you try to dress her. She’s a third-generation show cat. Her father was in ‘Meet the Parents.’ Needless to say, she was very, very expensive.” – Angela Martin
  33. “I don’t talk trash, I talk smack. They’re totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You’re ugly and I know it for a fact ’cause I got the evidence right there.” – Kelly Kapoor
  34. “I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party.” – Pam Beesley
  35. “Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.” – Stanley Hudson
  36. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” – Michael Scott
  37. “I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” – Kevin Malone
  38. “Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.” — Dwight Schrute
  39. My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m making Dwight up. He is very real.” – Jim Halpert
  40. “No, Rose, they are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs … Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there?” – Michael Scott
  41. “I wonder what people like about me. Probably my jugs.” – Phyllis Lapin-Vance
  42. “Oh you’re paying way too much for worms. Who’s your worm guy?” – Creed Bratton
  43. “Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is ’cause you’re not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers. So gives yourselves a round of applause.” – Kelly Kapoor
  44. “Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.” — Michael Scott
  45. “Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are too flashy, so I’m forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.” – Angela Martin
  46. “Today, smoking is going to save lives.” – Dwight Schrute
  47. “I don’t want to be married in a tent like a hobo.” – Angela Martin
  48. “It is not a good time for me to lose my job since I have some pretty big long-term plans in my personal life with Pam that I’d like her parents to be psyched about. So, I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before: try.” – Jim Halpert
  49. “I have been trying to get on jury duty every year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit it in an air-conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch is paid for … that is the life.” – Stanley Hudson
  50. “The only problem is whenever I try to make a taco, I get too excited and crush it.” – Kevin MaloneRelated: These Funny Comebacks And Insults Are What Our Minds Are Really Made Of
  51. “How is it possible that in five years, I’ve had two engagements and only one chair?” – Pam Beesley
  52. “Yeah, I’m not a temp anymore. I got Jim’s old job. Which means at my ten year high school reunion, it will not say “Ryan Howard is a temp”. It will say “Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm”… That’ll show ’em.” – Ryan Howard
  53. “I guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working.” — Michael Scott
  54. “Who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of a game is that?” — Kelly Kapoor

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  55. “I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.” – Creed Bratton
  56. “Yes, I have a dream, and it’s not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there’s a button that I can press, and launch that lighthouse into space.” – Stanley Hudson
  57. “I’m guessing Angela is the one in the neighborhood that gives the trick-or-treaters toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts.” – Pam Beesley
  58. “I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.” – Michael Scott
  59. “I once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out he’s clean, but I’m glad I did it.” – Angela Martin
  60. “Besides having sex with men, I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.” – Oscar Martinez
  61. “If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.” – Dwight Schrute
  62. “We have a gym at home. It’s called the bedroom.” – Phyllis Lapin-Vance
  63. “If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I’d ever been here. And I’d forget, too.” – Ryan Howard
  64. “I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible.” — Michael Scott
  65. “You guys I’m like really smart now. You don’t even know. You could ask me, Kelly what’s the biggest company in the world? And I’d be like, ‘blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah.’ Giving you the exact right answer.” — Kelly Kapoor
  66. “I am a black belt in gift wrapping.” – Jim Halpert
  67. The people here are amazing debaters. I guess you can say they are master-baters.” – Kevin Malone
  68. “Who is Justice Beaver?” — Dwight Schrute
  69. “I want you to rub butter on my foot…Pam, please? I have Country Crock.” — Michael Scott
  70. “Newsflash: You are not special.” – Stanley Hudson
  71. “When you’re a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.” – Pam Beesley
  72. “And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.” – Michael Scott
  73. “I miss the days when there was only one party I didn’t want to go to.” – Ryan Howard
  74. “Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for.” — Kelly Kapoor
  75. “I am Beyonce, always.” — Michael Scott
  76. “I find the mystery genre disgusting. I hate being titillated.” – Angela Martin
  77. “If I can’t scuba, then what’s this all been about? What am I working toward?” – Creed Bratton
  78. “I say dance, they say ‘How high?'” — Michael Scott
  79. “I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket, in a blanket.” – Kevin Malone
  80. “As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it’s nice to be represented on one.” – Phyllis Lapin-Vance
  81. “Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online.” — Dwight Schrute
  82. “I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They’re always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I’m constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don’t get sore too? Do you think I don’t need to know the fastest way to the hospital?” — Standley Hudson
  83. “I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn’t hate me.” – Pam Beesley
  84. “Tell him to call me ASAP as possible.” — Michael Scott
  85. “I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong, and if you don’t like it, you can leave.” – Stanley Hudson
  86. “Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug and didn’t seem to realize that it wasn’t his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won’t notice?” – Jim HalpertRelated: Treat Yo’ Self To 100+ ‘Parks And Recreation’ Quotes And Classic Leslie Knope Lines
  87. “Ultimatums are key. Basically nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.” — Kelly Kapoor
  88. “I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.” — Michael Scott
  89. “I want to be wine and dined and sixty nined.” – Kevin Malone
  90. “Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed’s brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I’ve read some of it. Even for the Internet, it’s… pretty shocking.” – Ryan Howard
  91. “Dwight you ignorant sl**.” — Michael Scott

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  92. “I already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A baby. And as backup I have a Swiss passport.” – Creed Bratton
  93. “Your body is a temple. You have to respect it. You can’t just whore it out.” – Angela Martin
  94. “I have decided that I’m going to be more honest. I’m gonna start telling people what I want, directly. So, look out world, ‘cuz ‘ol Pamy is gettin’ what she wants. And, don’t call me Pamy.” – Pam Beesley
  95. “It’s like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong, and if you don’t like it, you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I’ll say it to my next one, too.” — Stanley Hudson
  96. “I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage, because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.” — Michael Scott
  97. “I mean, I’m not a slut but who knows.” — Kelly Kapoor
  98. “Michael is leaving. And apparently they’ve already hired a new manager. And we’re meeting him today. It’s a lot to process. Paperwork-wise.” – Oscar Martinez
  99. “Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout.” – Phyllis Lapin-Vance
  100. “I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But on pretzel day? Well, I like pretzel day.” – Stanley Hudson
  101. “Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton.” – Creed Bratton
  102. “Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable.” — Michael Scott
  103. “There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?” – Pam Beesly
  104. “I’ve got a golden-ticket idea. Why don’t you skip on up to the roof and jump off?” — Stanley Hudson
  105. “I’m fast. To give you a reference point. I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.” — Dwight Schrute
  106.  “There are always a million reasons not to do something” — Jan Levinson
  107. “It’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work.” — Dwight
  108. “Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online.” — Dwight
  109. Toby: We should really have the office’s air quality tested. We have radon coming from below. We have asbestos in the ceilings. These are silent killers.
    Michael: You are the silent killer. Go back to the annex.
    Toby: You’ll see.
  110. Toby: Hey Michael, I have an extra twin bed if you want.
    Michael: You are going to be sleeping by yourself for the rest of your life so you should just get used to it.
  111. Toby: Didn’t you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from that e-mail?
    Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?
  112. Toby: Actually, I didn’t think it was appropriate to invite children, since it’s uh, you know, there’s gambling and alcohol, it’s in our dangerous warehouse, it’s a school night, and you know, Hooter’s is catering, and is that- is that enough? Should I keep going?
    Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun, or exciting, you make it… not that way. I hate… so much about the things that you choose to be.
  113. “Who’s the one who didn’t bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and yeah I BMed in the shredder on New Years. But I didn’t bring the lice in. That was all Pam.” — Meredith
  114. “You’re the people’s princess! Diana was nothing!” — Meredith
  115. “Tell ya one thing, I’m not gonna be a good mom tonight.” – Meredith
  116. “Hey everybody, he’s not in the men’s room. Although the seat was warm, so we may have just missed him.” — Meredith
  117. “Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Scheider.” — Creed Bratton
  118. “Let’s put a smile on that face.” — Creed Bratton
  119. “When Pam gets Michael’s old chair, I get Pam’s old chair. Then I’ll have two chairs. Only one to go.” — Creed Bratton
  120. “You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.” — Creed Bratton