Let Me Explain Why Tiger Woods Should Retire From Golf And Become A Comedian

You might have seen this in the news: while playing in the PGA’s Genesis Invitational on Thursday, Tiger Woods played strongly in what many are calling a career comeback. And after outdriving Justin Thomas on the ninth hole, he discretely slipped his competitor a Tampax tampon.

And then they both laughed about it, because it’s obviously the most hilarious prank ever.

Many people, including a lot of women and trans people, don’t get the joke. Most likely this is because women are not as intelligent as men, and all trans people are snowflakes except for Caitlin Jenner. Also, many woman probably have their periods right now, and, as we all know, they get all mean and don’t understand jokes when they become hormonal monsters for a week out of the month. It’s sad.

But don’t worry, I — a woman who is not currently bleeding — will explain the joke so that even the woman with the absolutely heaviest period flow right now understands it. And then we can all have a good laugh together.

OK, ready?

The joke is funny because Justin Thomas is a man who ostensibly doesn’t have a menstrual cycle, and therefore has no need for sanitary products, especially a sanitary product that is inserted into the vagina. Because he doesn’t have a vagina, he has a penis!

LOL, the tampon is useless to him! He doesn’t even need it, but Tiger gives it to him anyway. Brilliant comedic genius.

Once you recover from that, I need to tell you that there is an entire second layer to this joke. It’s also funny because it implies that Thomas does have a vagina. And that his vagina is bleeding! Why would Tiger Woods mistakenly think that his competitor had a vagina? Because he didn’t hit the golf ball with his club as well as he usually does, and certainly not as well as Tiger just did.

If you can’t use your ball and stick as well as usual, you are probably a weak, bleeding woman. Cymbal crash! Close the curtains!

And — this is just the icing on the cake — the joke is also funny because menstruation and period products are still highly stigmatized, even in the modern day United States, largely because of good old sexism and misogyny. It’s funny to even see a man handling a tampon, unless they’re a grocery store checkout clerk, or gay or something. The tampon itself, just out in the open, is worth a laugh. Doubly so because men are touching it, ungloved.

This joke is probably especially funny to the 40% of women and girls in America who have at some point in their lives experienced period poverty — a lack of access to period supplies and facilities. If only Tiger had been there for those 66 million women, who are often forced to use toilet paper, socks, and rags instead of period products to lend a hand and an impish smile!

And let’s not forget the 80% of women who suffer from period pain that keeps them at home for an average of nine days a year and is comparable to a hear attack. Certainly, they all understand that when someone can’t hit a ball as far as usual, it’s funny to think that it’s because of debilitating cramps.

The trans population is also probably having a good knee slap over the joke, since they are constantly having to explain the difference between gender and sex to others, all while fielding completely inappropriate questions about their physical body, mental health, and private parts and trying to avoid harassment and violence. And who are extremely, extremely tired of explaining that, yes, some men get periods and need period products. Some of these men even play golf.

If you still don’t agree with me that the joke is funny, you should know there are a lot of notable people on Twitter right now who agree with me that the tampon joke was just absolutely classic, and not on par (golf pun!) with one-liners told by sixth-grade boys from 1994.

For example, sports writer Mark Harris and his backwards hat would like you to know that you just need to go outside more in order to get the punchline. I agree. Get out in the world and get properly socialized about gender roles and period stigma like the rest of us. It’s out there for the taking.

Another golf enthusiast explains that it was a private joke. You know, just like locker room talk. Our favorite thing. I also like to share my private jokes on national television.

On the other hand, some people, probably all hormonal women, don’t see the obvious humor.

Alex McDaniel mused, “If tiger spent three months a year bleeding and coping with period pain, they'd make a whole-ass documentary about how champions overcome insurmountable obstacles.”

Someone get Alex some Midol! Maybe Arnold Palmer can slip her some.

No matter how you slice it (golf pun!), a man handing another man a tampon is empirically funny. If you disagree, you’re not aware of the joke’s context, which is that women are inferior, trans men are invisible, and periods are shameful. Get with the times, and lighten up!

Now stay tuned for next week’s column, where I will explain why my kid’s knock knock joke about poop (“Poop who?” “Poop poop!”) should win the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor.