From The Confessional: We Are All Set With Fake-A** Bullsh*t, Thanks

by Karen Johnson
Peter Dazeley/Getty

Ugh, is there anything worse than fake-ass people? Having to fake it with bitchy moms you can’t stand while you’re waiting around at school pickup. Having to make nice on Thanksgiving with your dickwad uncle who makes comments about women’s weight as you all pass the yams. Or even the phoniness some of us have in our own relationships—faking orgasms, or even faking that we enjoy our spouse’s company when we really can’t stand the sound of them breathing.

Being fake sucks. Knowing others are being fake with us sucks. But it’s the game we all play at some point in our lives—with coworkers, in-laws, neighbors, or two-faced Susan from church who acts super Christian but really is a conniving snake who insults everyone behind their backs. Nobody likes Susan.

So here are some truths from the Scary Mommy Confessional about how annoying fake-ass bullshit can really be, even if we’re the ones doing it.

Cancel every gd holiday get together! Never want to see any of you asshats again. Fake as fuck is what you all are!

Confessional #25839517

H won't call out or confront his parents on anything. They are phony & say how much they love me, but then act passive-aggressive, make comments about me, & leave me out of plans when they want to see my kids. It pisses me off so much!

Confessional #25825083

I resent everything about my MIL. I hate how phony she is, asking about me to my DH and the underhanded comments. I wouldn't interfere in their relationship but once family events start again, any bullshit and it's either divorce or no family events.

Confessional #25825026

Sorry not sorry, 99.9% of people are painfully dull, including me. Holiday gatherings are torture rituals. Maybe this year we should all skip the phony pleasantries and delve into the meaningful conversations and deeds, thereby making real connections.

Confessional #25758906

Fake-ass in-laws are the wooooooorst, amiright? I mean, you’re already stressing about your kid peeing in Grandma’s plant or coloring on her white couch, but now you have to pretend to like your phony MLM-candle-eyelash-nail-decals-weight-loss-wrap-toting SIL too? All set.

The pastor's wife throws show-off birthday parties for her children and posts a billion pictures of her food and decorations. What's worse is her phony self deprecating bit when people gush. Get over yourself.

Confessional #22911356

So sick of all the over the top patriotism 4th of July brings. You aren't really interested in the good of the country any other time of the year. Reminds me of the fake ass Christians who go to church but act like assholes the rest of the week.

Confessional #25839419

i refuse to ever go to church again. the politics and bigotry they preach here in texas wears me out. this is not the teachings of christ. the people are fake and cause hurt for others due to their sense of entitlement. still christian but no church.

Confessional #25829587

I fake smile and say I'm fine at church but it's a lie. Inside I'm dying. Feel so left out and unwanted there. "Heathens" at least are up front about who they are. Church folks can be so phony.

Confessional #1661672

The church is often where the fakest of the fake hang out, making it equal parts inauthentic and hypocritical. I mean, isn’t Christianity based on kindness? So how are you a “child of God” if you’re also telling everyone that Mary Ellen is a whore? Hmmm.

Go on pretending via FAKEBOOK that you weren't a total parasitic monster. Move on with your life and pretend that you hadn't emotionally destroyed mine you narcissistic piece of shit.

Confessional #25838280

My partner is a blue check twitter celebrity. He spends most his waking hours "networking" on social media. If only his followers knew that he's just sitting around the house in dirty sweats, eyes glued to his phone like a zombie. It's all a fake show.

Confessional #25835372

Annual anniversary post about how he’s the only one I want to “so life with, only with a quarantine theme this year. Total BS, I wonder how many people realize it’s all fake.”

Confessional #25833959

My make-up selling FB friends always post the same crap. They all JUST DISCOVERED THAT EYELASH BUGS ARE A THING! Or YOU SHOULD GET NEW MASCARA EVERY 2 MONTHS! Or they LOVE WASHING THEIR FACE NOW! I can't stand the MLM lemming culture. It's so phony,

Confessional #23179127

And then there’s the social media phoniness. We all know at least one 100% fake person who thrives on posting those perfect pics of her gorgeous house and well behaved kids in matching outfits and happy husband, but in reality, you know she’s miserable AF and her husband hates her. Social media is where the biggest, darkest lies can be hidden behind a pretty smokescreen.

Stretching late as possible to leave for MIL's b'day lunch & made solid excuse to leave early. Only so many hours of fakery I can do for that nasty, toxic woman who's made my life hell for 25 yrs.

Confessional #25833575

At the crying alone in the shower, trying to take deep breaths to get through the next ten minutes, fake smiling on zoom to my boss, dig my fingers in my palms not to snap when the kids are whining stage of burnout and overwhelm.

Confessional #25831368

So, I'm not allowed to have opinions or ideas without being told why I'm wrong. I know this makes me a fake person, but I'll just agree with everyone from now on.

Confessional #25830859

I'm such a phony. I've gotten so good at faking being happy, having it all together, being good at my job. Inside I'm really a basket-case about to crack at any moment!

Confessional #1674393

Sometimes it’s us doing the faking though. We are trapped in shitty jobs, shitty relationships, or on streets with shitty neighbors, and we have to force smiles while secretly wishing we could yeet these people to Mars on the next billionaire’s spaceship.

I told DH, don't call me for phone sex! It seems so contrived, forced and phony. Not a turn-on at all!

Confessional #15572719

Haven’t had sex with H in 3 weeks. He thinks he’s punishing me because things have been rocky, but I honestly do not care. I don’t have to fake enthusiasm or pretend that I’m in to him anymore

Confessional #25833280

I just want to leave DH. We have 3 kids and I have to keep him until I finish nursing school. This is going to be so hard to fake it til I make it. He’s such an ass. Puts me down any chance he gets.

Confessional #25830638

Having to fake it with your own spouse is truly the stuff of nightmares, because you can never escape it. But it’s the reality for women everywhere.

when all you want is someone to be here for you & no one ever is. i question everything & wonder if or when anyone will really care. it's all fake.

Confessional #25830839

I wish people understood that, if certain family members had been kind and loving like they present themselves to be, I would still have a relationship with them. Things are not always what they seem and some people are as phony as they come.

Confessional #25751775

So sick of mean-mom cliques. One queen-bee mom makes sure my beautiful 9-year-old daughter is socially excluded, then puts on a show of talking sweet to her in front of teachers at school gatherings. How can people be so phony?

Confessional #15310979

It can hurt like nothing else when the people you thought you could count on, the people you thought would be your village—fellow moms, family members, people at church—are actually inauthentic and fake. You can feel lost, abandoned, and unsure if you can ever trust anyone again.

Phony people will never go away, and they’ll likely never change. The best we can do is be as authentic as we can be. Find real, true friendships. Surround ourselves with people who love us for us—the real us. And who show their true selves as well. If we can get enough real, true friends that we can count on in our inner circle, dealing with fake ass bullshit won’t seem as bad.

Because at the end of the day, you know who you truly are.