From The Confessional: We Need To Get These Crazy Breastfeeding Stories Off Our Chest

by Team Scary Mommy

For many of us, breastfeeding came naturally and we endured those baby days… weeks… months… even years… whipping out a boob whenever a boob was needed. We weren’t really fazed too much—use a cover, or don’t, supplement with formula sometimes, or don’t, drag out the dreaded pump, or leave it in the corner to collect dust. Whatever worked as long as baby got fed.

Because each of us breastfeeding mothers had our own journey and learned, over time, what felt comfortable to us, what baby preferred, and how to make it all work.

But breastfeeding, for all its good antibodies and the amazing fact that it’s free and available on demand, can also be weird. We lactate unexpectedly, like when we’re chatting with our father-in-law on Thanksgiving and later find out there’s a giant wet circle on our left boob and no one said anything. Or when we squirt milk in our partner’s eye during sex. Or when our vagina dries up like the Sahara and we need three kinds of lube before we’ll even begin to entertain the thought of sex.

So yeah, it’s not all beautiful bonding moments. Sometimes breastfeeding is the worst.

Here are some truly memorable stories from the Scary Mommy Confessional about all the weirdness that happens when milk starts coming out of our boobs.

Breastfeeding is ruining my life and sucks up all of my time and energy and what’s worse than that is it has caused my vagina to dry out like a prune!! Fuck Breastfeeding!

Confessional #18472716

DD 8 (walks in while I am in the bath): “Mom what happened to your boobs they are different!? Me: you bit off this nipple while breastfeeding at 2 months old. DD 8: I am never breastfeeding! Me: yeah, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.”

Confessional #23137410

Breastfeeding ruining my nipples. I lost all its sensitivity and can't feel any sexual arousal from them. Which is a big lost, bc they used to be highly effective. Sex life going lower and lower...

Confessional #18473074

Our bodies are forever changed. We can only hope our nipples are even still there when we’re done.

This morning I realized after making my cup of coffee, that we didn't have creamer or milk. Well thank God for these lactating boobs! ..fuck it...there's still milk in my coffee, now isn't there?

Confessional #1771050

My DH pissed me off one day so I put breast milk in his coffee and waited until he drank it all, then asked him how he liked it (which he said it was good). Then I asked him "how'd you like my breast milk you jerk?..."

Confessional #3873377

Also, it doubles as an instant coffee creamer! Women are amazing with the things we produce.

Today I kept having a sensation that I was lactating and leaked on my shirt. I’m not pregnant. Haven been for 6 years. Not chance of being pregnant. Not trying to get pregnant. Wtf?

Confessional #25788891

Woke up with a boob in my mouth because DW was having a dream she was lactating. Win or weird?

Confessional #1637477

I just tasted my own breast milk by sucking on my own boob. Not sure if I'm more horrified that I drank my own milk or that my boobs are so long and flexible that I could actually do it.

Confessional #1774454

Lactating also provides lots of other… erm… interesting experiences. Like the let-down sensation years later. Or unexpected “dreams.” Or realizing your boobs now roll out like scrolls and you can just get in there yourself if you want to.

Was breastfeeding 15 week old, when sudden shit cramps hit. Hurt so bad I was seeing stars. Now stuck on the toilet when all I want to do is sleep. Motherhood is so glamorous

Confessional #22039312

Breastfeeding hurts like the frickin’ dickens. I wanted to go for one year, but after three and a half months I just want my boobs to be LEFT ALONE!

Confessional #21323358

I farted while giving DH a BJ last night. Then I leaked breast milk all over the sheets when we had sex. Neither of us could stop laughing. Who knew that sex could be such a disaster?

Confessional #6739990

And since the human body is all interconnected… we get to experience lots of other bodily effects too! Like sheer pain. And shit cramps. And gas while soaking the sheets. Motherhood sure is glamorous.

So whether you breastfeed for a month or 10 years, whether your milk is reserved for babies only or you share it with a partner, and whether you love all things lactating-related or the whole thing weirds you out and you can’t wait to be done, it’s all good. The point is, the female body is amazing and should be celebrated. Because it can do some pretty cool shit—like keep another human alive WHILE flavoring up our morning coffee.