From The Confessional: We Need To Get These Crazy Breastfeeding Stories Off Our Chest

For many of us, breastfeeding came naturally and we endured those baby days… weeks… months… even years… whipping out a boob whenever a boob was needed. We weren’t really fazed too much—use a cover, or don’t, supplement with formula sometimes, or don’t, drag out the dreaded pump, or leave it in the corner to collect dust. Whatever worked as long as baby got fed.

Because each of us breastfeeding mothers had our own journey and learned, over time, what felt comfortable to us, what baby preferred, and how to make it all work.

But breastfeeding, for all its good antibodies and the amazing fact that it’s free and available on demand, can also be weird. We lactate unexpectedly, like when we’re chatting with our father-in-law on Thanksgiving and later find out there’s a giant wet circle on our left boob and no one said anything. Or when we squirt milk in our partner’s eye during sex. Or when our vagina dries up like the Sahara and we need three kinds of lube before we’ll even begin to entertain the thought of sex.

So yeah, it’s not all beautiful bonding moments. Sometimes breastfeeding is the worst.

Here are some truly memorable stories from the Scary Mommy Confessional about all the weirdness that happens when milk starts coming out of our boobs.

Our bodies are forever changed. We can only hope our nipples are even still there when we’re done.

Also, it doubles as an instant coffee creamer! Women are amazing with the things we produce.

Lactating also provides lots of other… erm… interesting experiences. Like the let-down sensation years later. Or unexpected “dreams.” Or realizing your boobs now roll out like scrolls and you can just get in there yourself if you want to.

And since the human body is all interconnected… we get to experience lots of other bodily effects too! Like sheer pain. And shit cramps. And gas while soaking the sheets. Motherhood sure is glamorous.

So whether you breastfeed for a month or 10 years, whether your milk is reserved for babies only or you share it with a partner, and whether you love all things lactating-related or the whole thing weirds you out and you can’t wait to be done, it’s all good. The point is, the female body is amazing and should be celebrated. Because it can do some pretty cool shit—like keep another human alive WHILE flavoring up our morning coffee.