From The Confessional: Snoring Makes Us Feel Stabby AF

by Karen Johnson
Snoring Is The Worst
Justin Horrocks/Getty

When we take the vows or jump head-first into a relationship, especially with all the newness and the butterflies and good feels, we don’t think about years down the road when the spark has fizzled and you both rip farts without abandon and your significant other snores so loudly you regularly go to the bad place in your head.

But, that’s what happens.

The honeymoon period of a relationship is called “the honeymoon period” for a reason. Because once that cruise ship is docked and shit gets real, that’s when you learn if your relationship can stand the test of time. And one of those tests might include (will very likely include) snoring—you, them, both of you perhaps. But yeah, those early relationship snuggles eventually turn to WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL IS COMING OUT OF YOUR FACE—SHUT UP FOR THE LOVE at 1 a.m.

I’m married to a really good man but his snoring makes me want to suffocate him.

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His handsome face and big dick are the only things that have kept me from MURDERING HIM OVER THIS FUCKING SNORING FOR TWENTY YEARS!

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We aren’t going to actually murder our loved ones for snoring, but let’s just say that if we do sleep in separate rooms sometimes, it’s safer.

DH and I are going to visit in-laws for first time in about a decade. At home we sleep in separate rooms due his snoring and different schedules. It’s gonna be a very long week if I don’t get any sleep if we have to share a bed.

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Yes, honey, I would love to take a cross-country train trip like we did on our honeymoon. But now that you're practically a world record snoring machine, there is no way I could sleep in the same tiny state room with you for two weeks. Damn snoring!

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Travel sucks if your partner snores, unless you’re rich and can get two hotel rooms. But sharing a train car or a bedroom at your MIL’s house?! Hahahaha fuck no.

I need intimacy, actually crave it. Meanwhile H is next to me snoring & farting

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I’m in bed. Every morning, I wish my hot neighbour would bring me coffee shirtless first thing in the morning. Instead, my husband is snoring, stinks of booze and is farting up a storm.

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You might miss intimacy and romance, because there is seriously nothing less sexy than the person next to you sawing wood and passing gas all night.

I truly don't understand how H can snore as loud as he does and not wake himself up.

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I have no idea how it is physically possible for H to make those noises when he snores or how they don't wake him up. The snoring could be the thing that would end our marriage.

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How do they sleep through the horrid sounds that come out of their face-holes? Like how??!!

I'd rather sleep in my children's bedroom on spare matress than sleep in the same bed in our bedroom with my snoring,.forever horny husband.

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DH and I started sleeping in separate rooms because his snoring disturbed me for 25 years and it was time for me to get some solid rest. Now, when he wants to just come lay next to me, I feel like he's invading my space.

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My DH has started snoring LOUDLY every.single.night. He says “the world doesn’t revolve around you and refuses to try to stop it. I GET NO SLEEP. I miss sleeping with him and love him. I sleep in my sons room and move son to the floor mat. I HATE THIS”

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Why is it my boyfriend can fall asleep in the blink of the eye and just as quick snore so loudly that the room shakes? Forget earplugs, separate bedrooms are a must for this to last.

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So yes, the stability of our relationships often hinges on sleeping in separate rooms. Whether it’s in a child’s bed or the guest room or the couch, for many of us, it’s what we need to do to keep living with (and loving) the person we are committed to.

DH & I sleep in separate spaces because I spent 20 years of our marriage struggling to sleep at night with his snoring. Now that he's getting older, I'm worried if something happens that I'm not by his side to hear him and call 911.

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I went to bed before DH last night. The power was out when he came to bed so, since he couldn't wear his CPAP (anti-snoring) machine, he slept out on the uncomfortable sofa where his snoring wouldn't disturb my sleep. One more reason I love that man!

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Got used to having the bed to myself when H was sleeping on the couch because of his snoring (his choice).

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However, in some weird way, our SO’s snoring can sometimes make us appreciate them more, like when they willingly sleep elsewhere out of consideration for us. Or when we realize that we’re at the age of CPAP machines and we need to look for one another.

I can’t escape the snoring. It’s husband and 8 year old. They won’t let me sleep alone with the baby. All I hear at night is sawing fucking logs!

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Dh, I love you. But seriously, stop snoring because I CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP

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Seriously though. We’re fucking tired and need some sleep so we’re gonna you need to fix this shit like STAT.

Angry that H's sleep study appointment on March 30th that we had been waiting months for has been pushed back to June. His snoring is a real problem & now we have to wait even longer to get it addressed.

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Now that the weather has gotten colder and I don't have my fan going full blast, my husbands snoring is driving me FUCKING CRAZY!

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Because yeah, our spouse’s snoring actually affects our marriage.

My black lab is sleeping next to me snoring loudly and farting. I adore her and she is the best company I could ever ask for.

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Best sound ever? My dog snoring.

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Snoring is the worst. Except when it’s the dog. Then, it’s the cutest, sweetest thing ever and makes us burst with love. (Sorry, husbands.)

So if you’re a snorer and love your life partner, FFS, see a doctor, get a nose strip, or a snore canceling machine, or move yourself into another room. Your marriage (and your personal safety) may depend on it.