Our bodies are amazing and majestic. They perform the unthinkable. They carry life and then birth that life and then nourish that life for months or even years and then they do it all over again. They start a cycle in our adolescence that repeats itself every month until we’re grandmothers. They are strong AF and keep going even when every bone and muscle is tired beyond measure.
But they also do weird, gross things. The sprout gray hairs unexpectedly in places we didn’t know we’d be getting gray hairs. Boobs deflate, then deflate some more. Gross things appear on our butts that necessitate the true test of a relationship—bending over (and not in a good way) and asking your SO to “check this thing out.” And vaginas… well, they change too.
So here are some confessions about all the unexpected, embarrassing, and frankly odd things our bodies do, especially as we age. After reading through these confessions, you might feel better if you can say, “Hey! I’m not the only one with a boil on my asscheek!” and now your day is better. You’re welcome.
Confessional #25786904“I had a fart go straight up my vagina today and it was the weirdest feeling ever!”
Confessional #25752008“I didn’t know vaginas age too smh now it’s all wrinkly like a raisin! I want my full luscious pussy lips back. I regret every moment I had sex with the lights off I wished I showed it off more before it turned to this. I’m really sad”
Confessional #4653579“I always wonder if my OB compares my vagina to other vaginas, and I wonder how it rates.”
Confessional #1713762“I googled ugly vaginas. I'm happy to say that even after 3 kids, I don't have one. I may be fat, but my vagina still looks just like it did prekids! (I had no idea there could be that much hanging skin on a vag).”
The vagina is an amazingly resilient part of the female body. It gets stretched to the size of a dinner plate in order to squeeze out a human head. Then it retracts back to its original form. It can take a pounding (thankfully) but also needs some TLC now and then. It might give us grief on occasion (thanks yeast infections!), but we’re mostly grateful for it.
Confessional #25782824“Quarantine made my body forget how good fast food tastes. But McDonald’s reminded it how bad it makes it feel today. Holy shit. Literally”
Confessional #25779302“On top of everything else that's happened: I have a boil on the top on my butt crack. Like, really body? You just had to?”
Confessional #25775188“I have a cyst on my butt cheek and I get to be stabbed in the butt with a scalpel on top of all of this bullshit”
Butts can be sexy. But they can also be gross. Grossness comes out of the butthole. Grossness can grow on the buttcheek. You’ve got to take the good with the bad when it comes to butts. So you can do your squats and fight gravity and have some good old anal fun, but you’ve also got to deal with that weird boil and diarrhea after indulging at a questionable food truck too. Sh*t happens.
Confessional #25785360“It's really starting to piss me off how my boobs end up in my armpits when I lay down.”
Confessional #25754389“I had a very realistic dream that my breasts started producing milk. When I woke up I squeezed my boobs and there is actually milk coming out. I stopped breastfeeding 5 years ago. WTF??”
Confessional #25751075“My tits are so big that no matter what bra I wear, my underboobs are swampy wet. I have to stuff a dry washcloth under them in addition to the bra in order to contain the sweat. I wonder if dude would think they were so sexy if they knew?”
Confessional #25750773“My boobs hang over and cover my vagina when I take my bra off.”
And then there are boobs. Some of us can’t wait to get them when we’re tween and teens. Others get them way too early and try to hide them in mortification. We deal with engorgement and mastitis and mammograms and we deal with sagginess and boob sweat and the inability to ever find a damn comfortable bra. Boobs, like butts and vaginas, are great. But boobs, like butts and vaginas, are also a PITA.
Confessional #25784324“I just found the whitest pube. My first white hair of any description. Those things are like wire!”
Confessional #25784245“I can deal with the grey hairs and wrinkles and stretch marks and weight gain, but the nipple hair put me over the edge.”
Confessional #25777566“Can’t get a wax and with family all home struggling for a private moment to Nair my facial hair- post pregnancy. Quarantine mustache?!?”
Confessional #25771049“I gave birth six days ago. Hadn’t seen the underside of my belly for months. Now that it’s visible again, I’ve got sooooo many hairs to pluck. Yuck! I really did try but some angles are just impossible in the third trimester...”
And finally, hair. Particularly of the graying kind. And in more places than our heads. No one can prepare you for the rogue gray nipple hair or your first gray pube. Oh, and mustaches and chin hairs and belly hair too. The truth is, humans are hairy beings. We’re made that way. We all have hair—some more than others. But if you find out you’ve been living your life with an inch-long gray sprouting from a mole on your chin for Lord knows how long and you didn’t notice, just know you’re not the first. Pluck that sucker if you want (or embrace it!) and continue on living. You’re beautiful with or without that stubborn gray or with our without a million stubborn grays.
Part of loving your body is loving alllll of your body. Love your butt, even if there’s a cyst growing on your ass. Love your boobs, even if they roll out to your stomach as you rip that bra off at the end of the day. Love your beautifully graying hair because it makes you look wise, and also, because aging is beautiful. Love the body you’re in because it’s the only one you’re getting. Nourish it and enjoy it—even if your vag looks like a wrinkly raisin. (It probably still works! *wink)