100+ Funny Baby Quotes That Will Make You Giggle – Scary Mommy

100+ Funny Baby Quotes That Will Make You Giggle

December 29, 2019 Updated February 23, 2021

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Danny De los Reyes/ Unsplash

Sure, they’re cute, but having a baby can be stressful. There are some days when the crying won’t stop, and you’ve gone through four different outfits and need a little reminder of what makes being a parent so special.

Your baby may drive you crazy, but they’re also freaking hilarious. Having a kid comes with a roller coaster of emotions and moments you will never forget. Some days are better than others, but it’s important to remember the silly times. So, is your baby a strange little human that does the oddest things? Well, you’re not alone, and we’ve got the quotes to prove it. Here are 101 funny baby quotes that will make you laugh and appreciate your time with your little one.

  1. “Having a baby is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.” — Carol Burnett
  2. “They vomit a lot. For a second I thought I needed to rename my first Linda Blair and hire a priest, because she was spitting up so much.” — Jimmy Fallon
  3. “Having a new baby is like suddenly getting the world’s worst roommate.” — Anne Lamott
  4. “24/7. Once you sign on to be a mother, that’s the only shift they offer!” — Jodi Picoult
  5. “I don’t want to sleep like a baby, I want to sleep like my husband.” — Unknown
  6. “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” —Phyllis Diller
  7. “Sleep when your baby sleeps. Everyone knows this classic tip, but I say why stop there? Scream when your baby screams. Take Benadryl when your baby takes Benadryl. And walk around pantsless when your baby walks around pantsless.” — Tina Fey
  8. “I’m a walking zombie and I think I’m going to be like that for a while.” — Tiffani Thiessen
  9. “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” — Milton Berle
  10. “In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on television.” — Erma Bombeck
  11. “A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.” — Maurice Johnston
  12. “The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” —Lane Olinghouse
  13. “Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face.” —  Olivia Wilde
  14. “You never know when you’re gonna get crapped on or when you’re gonna get a big smile or when that smile immediately turns into hysterics. It might be like living with a drug addict.” —  Blake Lively
  15. “None of it is real until all of a sudden they’re standing there covered in slime and crying. You’re like, wait a minute, what is that?” —  George Clooney
  16. “When you have a baby, sleep is not an option. You can’t sleep. Even on vacation, you wake up at 6:30 a.m.” — Jimmy Fallon
  17. “A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” — Jerry Seinfeld
  18. “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” — Erma Bombeck
  19. “People who say, they sleep like a baby, usually don’t have one.” — Leo Burke
  20. “Our baby in particular is, we think, allergic to sleep. We think that she thinks that she’s protecting us from the sleep monsters. She’s like ‘Oh, I gotta keep them up or the sleep monsters will get them.’” — Ryan Reynolds
  21. “Spit up is my new favorite accessory. No outfit is complete without it.” — Unknown
  22. “You’d be surprised how durable babies are. You hold them like they’re Fabergé eggs, and then ― wonk! ― she hits her head on the table and you think, ‘Oh my gosh, did I give her a dent on her head that’s going to be there forever?’ But babies aren’t that precious. Everyone turns out fine. Just love them and make them laugh. I make my daughter laugh every day.” — Jimmy Fallon
  23. “Sleep is like the unicorn- it is rumored to exist, but I doubt I will see any.” — Dr. Seuss
  24. “When I was born I was so mad at my parents that I didn’t talk to them for two years.” — Unknown
  25. “How could something so small create so much of something so disgusting?” —  Steve Guttenberg in Three Men and a Baby
  26. “So, I don’t breathe through my nose, I totally plug my nose, ‘Oh my god, cute baby! So cute.’ And then, I have these wipes and I wipe and I wipe — I wipe too much. At this point they’re going all over the baby, I make sure there’s nothing even around the baby. Then I put this diaper rash thing on that I also use, so I save money.” — Jimmy Fallon
  27. “Babies are always more trouble than you thought – and more wonderful.” — Charles Osgood
  28. “That moment when you go to check on your sleeping baby and their eyes ping open so you drop to the floor and roll out of the room like a ninja.” — Unknown
  29. “Don’t ever tell the mother of a newborn that her baby’s smile is just gas.” — Jill Woodhull
  30. “Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.” — Nia Vardalos
  31. “You know you’re old when you barely do anything all day but still need a nap to continue doing barely anything.” — Unknown
  32. “The only things kids wear out faster than their shoes are their parents.” — John J. Plomp
  33.  “Welcome to parenthood, where your favorite new game will be ‘guess that bodily fluid.’” — Unknown
  34.  “There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.” — Peter De Vries
  35. “That people think they can talk to you about poop. ‘Oh, you have a new baby? Is she sleeping? Is she pooping?”’ Normally I’d be blushing, but as a parent you just get used to it, and pooping is just another verb in your vocabulary.” — Jimmy Fallon
  36. “A baby’s a full-time job for three adults. Nobody tells you that when you’re pregnant, or you’d probably jump off a bridge. Nobody tells you how all-consuming it is to be a mother—how reading goes out the window and thinking too.” — Erica Jong 
  37. “I was on planes [and] when babies would cry, I would be mad at the families. Now I’m like, ‘Let them cry, let them do whatever they want. They can sit on me and poop if they want.’ Now I know more.” — Mindy Kaling
  38. “Sleep? Yes, I have a vague recollection of what that was like.” — Unknown
  39. “Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other.” — Ed Howe
  40. “Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.” – Marshall McLuhan
  41. “At 10 months old, I had her reading foreign language books — Donde Esta Spot? was a big one. ‘Donde esta Spot?’ My voice gets deeper when I read espanol, and I don’t even speak Spanish. But she doesn’t know that. Then I read French like ‘Bonsoir, lune?’, which is ‘Goodnight Moon’ in French, and I definitely don’t know any French. But I just keep saying things as a question? ‘Bonsoir, lune? Bonsoir, balloon? Bonsoir, oatmeal? Bonsoir, tiny mouse?’” — Jimmy Fallon
  42. “You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. — Franklin P. Jones
  43. “They eat, they crap, they sleep. And if they’re crying they need to do one of the three and they’re having trouble doing it. Real simple.” —  Matthew McConaughey
  44. “Having children is like living in a frat house- nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” — Ray Romano
  45. “Babies are cutest when they’re someone else’s problem.” — Unknown
  46. “Sometimes going to bed feels like the highlight of my day. Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.” — Jim Gaffigan
  47. “f olive oil is made from olives then what is baby oil made from?!?” — Unknown
  48. “If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.” – Dave Barry
  49.  “The first night your baby sleeps 8 hours straight, you think you’d celebrate. Instead, you will run into their room thinking ‘Oh my god, are they breathing?!’” — Unknown
  50. “When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: ‘Fetch!’” — Bruce Lansky
  51. “My kid is turning out just like me. Well played, karma. Well-played.” — Unknown

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  52. “Before I got married I had six theories about raising children. Now, I have six children and no theories.” — John Wilmot
  53. “Congrats…you’ll soon live in a madhouse run by a tiny army you created yourself.” — Unknown
  54. “I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.” —  Robert Orben
  55. “Parenthood: the scariest hood you’ll ever go through.” — Unknown 
  56. “No animal is so inexhaustible as an excited infant.” — Amy Leslie
  57. “I [Facetime] sometimes from home. I’m just in the other room going, ’Yeah, daddy misses you, but gotta watch the game.” — Jimmy Fallon
  58. “Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.” – Tina Fey
  59. “A perfect example of minority rule is a baby in the house.”  — Milwaukee Journal
  60. “A crying baby is the best form of birth control.” – Carole Tabron
  61.  “My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid’ll take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time.” — Karen Brown
  62. “I want to teach them everything I’ve ever learned. I’m going to teach them what a vinyl record is, and I can’t wait for them to eat their first meatballs. I look forward to vacations and family time. I’m going to be that nerdy dad, like, ‘Okay kids, let’s back up the RV, and here we go!’ They’ll be like, ‘Dad, leave us alone. You’re such a nerd.’” — Jimmy Fallon
  63. “A child enters your home and for the next twenty years makes so much noise you can hardly stand it. The child departs, leaving the house so silent you think you are going mad.” — John Andrew Holmes
  64. “Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.” — Ray Romano
  65. “Why don’t kids understand that their nap is not for them but for us?” — Alyson Hannigan
  66. “90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” — Unknown
  67. “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” —  Erma Bombeck
  68. “Insomnia: A contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents.” —   Shannon Fife
  69. “If parenthood came with a GPS, it would mostly say ‘recalculating.’” —  Simon Cholland
  70.  “Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit. They hold the baby and I go out.” — Unknown
  71.  “Children are a great comfort in your old age – and they help you reach it faster, too.” —  Lionel Kauffman
  72. “Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.” — Mark Twain
  73. “Ma-ma does everything for the baby, who responds by saying Da-da first.” — Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
  74. “I didn’t know how babies were made until I was pregnant with my fourth child.” — Loretta Lynn
  75.  “Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.” – Ambrose Bierce
  76.  “A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
  77. “Babies don’t need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I’ll go over to them and say, What are you doing here, you’ve never worked a day in your life! “– Stephen Wright
  78. “If your baby is beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time, you’re the grandma.” – Theresa Bloomingdale
  79.  “As the father of two young girls, I have come to the realization that they are just as messy as boys but the dirt that they create around the house is comprised of at least 50% glitter.” — Andrew K. Keller
  80.  “Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage.” — Marcelene Cox
  81. “Raising kids is a walk in the park. Jurassic Park that is.” — Unknown
  82. “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” — Jon Stewart
  83.  “The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing.” — Kin Hubbard
  84. “If you want to know what it’s like to have a fourth kid, just imagine you are drowning and someone hands you a fourth kid.” —  Jim Gaffigan
  85. “You know, it’s incredible. When you first get them, you’re all excited, and you’re, like, ready to do all these things. And then you realize it’s like getting a new cell phone where all the features don’t work yet… but it looks really cute.” —  Ashton Kutcher
  86.  “If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.” — Chinese Proverb
  87.  “Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.” — Fran Lebowitz
  88.  “You will always be your child’s favorite toy.” — Vicki Lansky
  89.  “I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement.” — Tina Fey
  90.  “Babies are such a nice way to start people.” — Don Herold
  91.  “Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.” — Ed Asner
  92. “When kids hit one year old, it’s like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit.” —  Johnny Depp
  93. “Small children disturb your sleep, big children your life.” ~ Yiddish proverb
  94.  “There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age.” — Dr. Benjamin Spock 
  95. “Perfection only exists in babies and pastries.” — Gayle Wray
  96. “Make no mistake about why these babies are here—they are here to replace us.” — Jerry Seinfeld
  97. “A parent is someone who carries pictures where their money used to be.” — Unknown
  98. “A toddler can do more in one unsupervised moment than most people can do all day.” — Unknown
  99. “I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.” — Harry S Truman 
  100. “When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.” ― George Carlin
  101. “The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain’t like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain’t spitting it out.” ― Justin Halpern
  102. Sarabi: Your son is awake.
    Mufasa: Before sunrise, he’s your son. — The Lion King
  103. “Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years, I spent without a child, of course.” — Ryan Reynolds
  104. “No matter which kid’s book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.” — Ryan Reynolds
  105. “When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is ‘Please forget.'” — @SarcasticMommy4
  106. “Mom Pro Tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.” — @SarcasticMommy4
  107. “I love when my kids tell me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time.” — Unknown